To say DH is being unreasonable?

[TheLostNights]

Looking to hire a sitter and found a guy who looks great on one of the childcare sites. The problem? DH.
He doesn't want a guy looking after our school aged girls. Only open to female sitters which we have had in the past. I am really fed up at his attitude. Aibu to say he is being totally unreasonable?

No one has said that. But the vast majority of predators are men. That’s a fact.

What a very odd point. Your daughter could develop a crush on ANYONE, so to lessen the odds you'd rather steer clear of male babysitters.
You'd better start building the Rapunzel tower now then ...

Just as a counter to all this "all women have experienced sexual abuse from men"

The only time I've ever been touched without consent that I can recall was by a drunk woman touching my boobs after making a comment about how big they were. Maybe I'm just really good at suppressing all the memories of all the men assaulting me though...

I also know of blokes who've had women grab and touch them at an event "as a joke" who said after "If I'd acted like that around them, grabbed them whilst laughing and acting like it was a joke, I'd have been arrested"....

Women aren't saints either. The only way to absolutely make sure you're child isn't going to be harmed or assaulted it for you and you alone to looked after them, not even another member of family, male or female.

That is true and I wondered if someone would bring it up. The difference is trust, and of course it can be misplaced and shattered. I do know that statistically speaking I'm more at risk going home to my male partner than from stranger attack but I also know that I feel completely safe with him. There is nothing in the world that is risk-free. But it's because I don't believe that all men are predators that I do have men in my life. I'll still take precautions though, because I know from experience that some of them are.

I wouldn't put myself or my daughters in the position of being alone and vulnerable with an unknown man. I am happy for us to know, love, trust, respect and adore men - in our lives we will work with them, be friends with them, have sex with them - but that doesn't mean pretending there is never any threat. Hiring a male babysitter is an unnecessary risk so I won't take it. For a heterosexual woman, having a relationship with a man feels a lot more worth it.

This was never going to go down well on a predominantly man-hating site.
Hope you manage to find someone that ALL the family are happy with, OP.

I wasn't sure how old the children were
My friend once had a crush on her teacher... He then slept with her

A lot of misogyny here for someone pretending to be progressive.

Women expressing our opinions aren’t hysterical, that’s a misogynistic trope.

Theres a vast difference between a teacher or nursery worker and someone alone in your home with your children. But you know that. You just think you’re not like all those crazy women who unfortunately know almost all sexual predators are men. You know that too, you’re just pretending to be puzzled as to our reasoning. Goodness me you’re so much smarter and better than these stupid women, you’ve really shown us.

But that's the thing... its men who build up trust who are ones who then hurt children and women

Dads, uncles, older brothers, grandads. All people who you trust. Until they do something.

A random man who has decided his calling is to be a child care provider is no different. You work to build that trust and confidence with them but they could still turn around and hurt the child. The same with a female provider.

I wouldn’t, for all the reasons listed by others already. It cuts both ways though. I wouldn’t be keen to have another woman repair my boiler or something. It is just what it is and why some professions are heavily gender biased.

There is always someone on these threads who will say they've only ever experienced sexual harassment from women. As though the women reading will be convinced that all the harassment from men they and their friend have experienced from men on a spectrum from catcalling to unwanted touching, sexual aggression, coercion and abuse isn't the reality for girls from primary age upwards. As though we'll dismiss the fact that every week we see in the news women being raped, abducted and killed by men and we don't see it the other way around. As though by acknowledging this reality, we are saying that women are perfect and never offend. As though by acknowledging this reality we are saying we hate men. It's pretty transparent.

But the male provider is more likely to harm that child than a female provider.

I would happily have a woman repair my boiler @DonnaBanana . It's not the same thing at all!

Actually I mentioned it to make the point the women can sexually assault other women and that is relevant.

Depends how you mean harm

Women are more likely to kill children, even ones that aren't their own. Plenty of stories of nurses harming babies in their care...

I wouldn't offer my children up to experiment with the notion that men are being unfairly stereotyped as far more likely to commit sex crimes. I'd recommend that you listen to your husband and do the same.

It’s not some random man off the internet !

Time you found a dictionary.
Random - an unknown, unspecified, or odd person.
Unknown or unexpected.
Something that’s random is lacking in order, plan, or purpose. It happens totally by chance.

Having a male carer in a public setting is not the same as one in a private home, away from other people. But you know that.

Also
There are stories of women sexually abusing others. Of female teachers sleeping with male pupils (these usually have a lot of comments like "Good on ya lad" below).

But equally males being assaulted, sexually or physically, by women are still a long way off being believed in the same way women are when they report abuse. So you wouldn't hear as much. Because the men are either too embarrassed and ashamed to report it (because how could they let a weak and feeble woman assault them) or they weren't believed (you probably wanted her. Who wouldn't? Look at her)

I'd rather we acknowledged that we can all harm and hurt each other and work towards anyone who harms or assaults another being punished than get so caught up in the narrative of men are evil that we allow women to get away with the same crimes....

Interesting that the person who absolutely didn't want a male babysitter in this scenario was the DH also a man.

So all this MN are man haters seems irrelevant.

But women are far less likely to sexually assault than men are.

In answer to your other point about causing other types of harm, well I have never and would never hire babysitters online and this is a reason why. If I had to do it, I'd choose a woman but I don't. I can't make my children's world entirely risk-free. I do have to let them go on playdates and be looked after by people I trust but can never fully know and that's part of life. We can't eliminate every possibility of harm. But we can reduce it as best we can while balancing the need for a normal life. Not hiring male babysitters is one way in which I choose to reduce the risk; I do accept that risk of harm still exists and always will.

Exactly.

He might be personally lovely and completely professional, or he might be a paedophile who has worked his way into a role that gives him access to children. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

Hiring a man puts your child at more risk.

I would personally do anything to lower risk to my child, because I love my child more than anything and frankly fuck the woke people that think I should blindly put my faith in a man to be kind. But OP you're a cool progressive mum and you think putting your kids at a higher risk is worth it. You do you.

Or you've written a goady post to make mum's who weigh the risks of childcare options out to be sexists.

@EdwardianTable you could not be more right. There's always someone who comes along, totally ignoring the statistics around sexual violence to tell us all that women are bad and a threat too so don't be so nasty to all the men. They totally ignore the power dynamic between men and women. Honestly it's so disingenuous and predictably boring, and let's face it, it won't give 99 per cent of women pause for thought because they know exactly where danger lies and it isn't in being sexually assaulted by other women. It's like the ridiculous male stripper thread all over again.

Male victims of assault are still more likely to have been assaulted by men. I wouldn't hire a male babysitter to look after sons either.

Thank you for highlighting this point too bro her DH- very very relevant. Men have the measures of other men than women would ever have.

My brother was so strict with the care his two daughters got, unlike his son. Swimming pool, proper supervision etc etc . I even thought it was a bit excessive at times, but I respected his views. So I knew I wouldn't make them travel to me to a foreign holiday with other adult kids without an adult accompanying them. It opened my eyes.

*iro not 'bro'

Sorry but I find it conferencing that any mother would even consider hiring an unknown male babysitter for their young children, qualifications and references or not. It is a huge and unnecessary risk. And no, I don’t believe ‘all men are predators’ but the vast majority of predators are men and it is your job as a mother to protect your children from any harm. Inviting a man into your home to have unsupervised access to your children is just bizarre. I know it isn’t a very modern view but it is, unfortunately, reality.

Torn as we’ve had a male babysitter (he was a teacher in my children’s school) and 2 of my friends have male nannies - they are amazing and every single child I know wants to go to theirs to play as they are so engaging.