To say DH is being unreasonable?

[TheLostNights]

Looking to hire a sitter and found a guy who looks great on one of the childcare sites. The problem? DH.
He doesn't want a guy looking after our school aged girls. Only open to female sitters which we have had in the past. I am really fed up at his attitude. Aibu to say he is being totally unreasonable?

You need to look at this from your behind your daughters eyes and take a step away from your crusade to think about the impact on them when you make this decision.

You may want to prove a point about make equality, but, how do you think they will feel being alone in the house with a man they don’t know?

I’d imagine they’d be terrified.

I wouldn't use anyone from the Internet sorry. I wouldn't leave my young children alone, in the house with someone I didn't know. It would take a long time for me to build trust with someone and I'm assuming someone from an agency wouldn't be up for that.
My view may be skewed by working with victims of CSA for a long time.

It's probably different posters saying those things; aren't there some like a million unique MN users a month? I personally don't use childcare sites and I have never told anyone else they should either. But clearly a lot of people do use those sites, hence they keep going and those people will recommend that others do the same.

It’s not some random man off the internet ! He’s a professional qualified person! Pretty outrageous the level of sexism
sbd discrimination

tjete Are not enough men in the childcare / nursery/primary school settings and this attitude is why! My daughters best nursery worker and school teacher were both male and were brilliant

There is a difference @millymollymoomoo between a babysitter in the home and a nursery worker or teacher.

Someone being professional and qualified doesn't mean they aren't a risk; some people pursue professional careers that will give them access to victims. A nursery or school setting has other layers of protection whereas a person alone in the home with children is a different and more dangerous scenario.

You talk about sexism and discrimination, but the vast majority of women have personal experience of sexual harassment and/or assault throughout our lives, starting from a very young age and the perpetrators of it are overwhelmingly men. Most of us take precautions in our lives to avoid vulnerable situations with men. We might not walk home in the dark, stay away from unlit streets, text a friend when we get in a taxi, hold our keys in our fist, change carriages if we find ourselves the only passenger with an unknown man late at night. Is that because we're so sexist and discriminatory? Or is it because we've learned from experience what can happen? And that experience feeds into other decisions we make, like choosing not to leave our children alone with an unknown man just because he has certificates.

How old are the children? I wouldn't have a problem if it was a properly vetted site, kids get a lot out of being with engaged men.

Why would they be terrified? Have they never met a man before?

I have a husband and three sons. I'm far from a 'hysterical' man-hater.

Hell would freeze over before I invited a solo male stranger into my home, to be left with my primary age dc unsupervised though. Regardless of what pieces of paper they had or what website they were on showing their suitability.

No one with even an ounce of common sense or the loosest grasp on statistics or risk assessment would even consider it.

I'm extremely level headed but I wouldn't risk it. Not all men are predators but 99 percent of predators are men. Therefore by not hiring one you have reduced the risk to your children by 99 percent.

It's just mathematics OP.

Why are you assuming her daughters would be against it?
Why would they be terrified if that wasn’t pushed onto them.
Presumably they have a male father and male teachers in their life?

Male teachers have nothing to do with this; why do people keep dragging them into it?

I have plenty of men in my life, personally and professionally. I still take precautions - most of them so automatic and ingrained I hardly notice them anymore - to avoid being in a vulnerable situation alone with a man I don't know. Don't most women?

I can't think of a more vulnerable situation than a sleeping child alone in a home. So I wouldn't leave mine with a man I don't know, any more than I would walk home alone at midnight through a park for example. Chances are, I would be fine but it's still not a risk I'd take.

So, all fathers and brothers should be kept away from children?

No male teachers?

Doctors or nurses?

What age are all your sons when you you sit down with them and accuse them of being sexual predators?

How do you word it?

Should we keep male teenagers away from their siblings?

No wonder there is a mental health crisis amongst young males.

What an utterly fucking toxic way to write off half the people on the planet.

Imagine being branded a sexual predator just for existing!

And as for that fear being 'pushed onto' the children; I learned to be wary when I was primary aged and men would shout sexual comments from their car windows. Secondary age, when even those trustworthy professional men in suits stared and rubbed up close to girls in school uniform on the bus. I don't need to outline all the instances of aggression and predatory behaviour; I'm assuming all women have experienced it in every sphere of their lives. The fear doesn't have to be manufactured and forced onto us. We learn it from what happens to us. I'm not advocating a fear and distrust of all men all the time. But we all take care to try to keep ourselves safe and we all know how a lack of risk assessment is used against girls and women later. What were you wearing, how much did you drink, why were you alone in that place at that time etc etc. If a woman does leave her kids with a male sitter who abuses them, be sure she'll get castigated for having done it. So it's not unreasonable to just not hire him in the first place.

Which part of any of my posts advocate keeping men segregated from women? Why would not hiring a male babysitter equate to exiling fathers and brother from the family home or stopping men from becoming teachers?

Your post is a wild extrapolation of what I've said. I am happy for my kids to have male teachers; I wouldn't hire a male babysitter. Because statistically it's riskier than hiring a woman. That's not really something anyone can deny! It doesn't mean I think all men are a threat.

Then you're a saying one thing and doing another.

If you think a male babysitter IS going to abuse children, then you can't also say that a male teacher won't.

You ARE branding all man as sexual predators, but you won't admit it because you can see how unreasonable it makes you sound.

What a really stupid thing to say.

yeah…..being left alone in their house at night with a man they’ve never met before is “just like meeting a man.”

How ridiculous are you?!

Well no. I've explained how a school is a very different environment to a home, and that a male teacher - for his own protection - won't be alone one on one with children (you always, male or female, keep a door open or have another adult in the room so you can't be accused of anything). So a male teacher doesn't pose a risk in the way a male babysitter alone in a house with children can.

I also never said a male babysitter WILL abuse a child. There are lots of precautions I take in life against things that MIGHT happen.

I wonder if you misread the phrase in my post about 98% of sexual offences being committed by men? I said it doesn't mean all men are sexual predators, but it means almost all sexual predators are men. So a female babysitter is less likely to be a sexual predator than a male one - that isn't the same thing as saying a male babysitter is likely to be one or definitely is one. But the risk is lower with a woman.

A child alone with a a babysitter is in a vulnerable position. It's a situation in which I would be extremely careful.

She didn’t say a male babysitter is going to abuse children. She said a male babysitter is more likely to abuse children than a female babysitter. The vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by men. My daughter had a male teacher last term; she was never alone with him. If I hired a male babysitter to come into our house, she would be alone with him. Therefore, a higher risk situation. Most rational people take steps to reduce risk. Not hiring a male babysitter to be at home with my child is one of those steps.

You're asking MN where all men are evil sex pests. Don't expect a balanced view...

As if some random woman off the same site couldn't also be a risk. As if women haven't been used to mask child exploitation. As if they may be less risk sexually (and let's be honest, figures regarding sexual abuse are skewed by the fact we still don't believe women could sexually assault anyone) but they are statistically more likely to kill a baby. As if there aren't numerous cases of female nurses who've hurt and injured babies in their care.

He has glowing references, a DBS check (which is, yes, only valid on the day its made but is the only way we have to do these checks at the moment and every childcare provider from teachers to Scout leaders to childminders has them and its usually enough), qualifications... he sounds great.

My mother wouldn't even leave my then toddler double orphaned niece with my male adult cousin whom my mother brought up in our house as her son. As mum was retired but in a choir, she didn't go away with the choir for 2 hours at a town nearby because of that.

I admired my mother. Statistics are clear that it is male in close contact (not talking nursery/ school teachers here) who are likely to abuse women, especially those in position of trust to them.

Yeah, those who won't hire babysitters/minders off the Internet- where do you find them?

FAOD I have not hired anyone off the internet.

Yes, almost as if this is a massive site with thousands of different people with different opinions!

Lots of MN is based on all men are predators

I think equating a male babysitter to a male teacher is like asking a woman why she's happy to go into the office all day with male colleagues but not for a run in the woods alone at 11pm. Ok, either situation you might get sexually assaulted and most likely you won't. But one is more likely than the other.

I would say that virtually all women have experienced sexually predatory behaviour from men. So we don't think all men are predators, but we know that some are and we take steps in our lives to protect ourselves against it. It doesn't mean shunning all men or living in constant fear, but it does mean we might avoid certain situations or plan in some protection. So if put the chain on a hotel bedroom door while I sleep in there alone, it's not because I'm hysterical or convinced the male receptionist is a rapist. But just in case, I do it anyway.

Statistically, since we like to use that without any evidence or showing the statistics, it is family members who are the most risk to children

So by that logic, yes male family members should be kept apart from female ones....