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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH is being unreasonable?

111 replies

TheLostNights · 23/07/2023 22:04

Looking to hire a sitter and found a guy who looks great on one of the childcare sites. The problem? DH.
He doesn't want a guy looking after our school aged girls. Only open to female sitters which we have had in the past. I am really fed up at his attitude. Aibu to say he is being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 23/07/2023 22:36

It wouldn't even enter my mind to consider a biological man for childcare purposes and I don't feel bad about that either.

Maiden2021 · 23/07/2023 22:45

bed time here, but quickly needing to vote. I agree with your DH. no ifs or buts.

greetings to your dh from those of us on here agreeing with him.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/07/2023 23:00

Yeah I am with your DH, I do feel bad saying that, but I would never leave my young children in the care of a male stranger. I know it's sexist and not very progressive but I don't care.

threelittlescones · 23/07/2023 23:05

I wouldn't hire anybody off the internet, male or female, to look after my children. I don't have anybody local who can just pop over to babysit either but I still wouldn't hire a stranger.

I don't think your husband is being at all unreasonable. Of course not all males are predators but the chances of a male doing something is much higher than a female. It's just a fact. A police check and good references mean nothing. It just means they've never been caught.

BettyRoodBoy · 23/07/2023 23:05

Being male does not automatically make someone a predator.

No-one thinks that, and obviously there are great male childminders - it'd be very odd if there weren't! My youngest went to nursery with male staff. It's slightly different from being left alone at home with them.

elfx · 23/07/2023 23:07

I wouldn't hire anyone off the internet to look after my daughter, let alone a male.

WeWereInParis · 23/07/2023 23:18

I wouldn't hire any babysitter over the internet. But my DDs go to a nursery that has a male member of staff and I'd have no issue with him babysitting.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 23:24

I would feel concerned if something were to happen to one daughter that would mean close physical contact, eg first aid, or an accident that requires bathing
Depending on age of daughters, I also wouldn't want a crush to develop

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 23:32

Then let him find one himself. When he has a short list, he can present you with the choices. You can let him know if you just don't like someone he's chosen. You don't need to give a valid reason, maybe because you're not comfortable with her freckles...anything.

WhatBloodyNow · 23/07/2023 23:32

The thing is: if you're a predator wanting access to children, you don't go and become an architect or an accountant. You become a teacher, or a sports coach or a priest.

Not at all saying that every person who does these professions is predatory. But that those professions do attract predators, for obvious reasons.

And I know I'm going to get a load of 'not my Nigel' responses, but the overwhelming majority of predators are men. So would good enough qualifications make me want to take the risk? Unfortunately, probably not.

whatever1980 · 23/07/2023 23:43

As @Name99 said - your police check is only as good as the moment it was done.

Is it every 3 years it is renewed? So during that - who knows what the person has been up to.

Also you'd want to see evidence of the check and the date of it.

I wouldn't let an unknown male look after my children alone. Not a chance.

I worked on the police in the early 2000s and came across a number of cases of kids being abused my male sitters (mainly neighbours and family)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2023 23:48

Oh, I’m surprised, especially following on from your update about qualifications and references.

We had a male au pair who was fantastic. I guess he was a random man from an agency?

Buninthecorner · 24/07/2023 00:26

Nope wouldn't do it. Your DH is right. Of all the things in life you could be cautious about, this is the top one.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 24/07/2023 07:04

Is his name Sandy and is your husband's name Ross?

All these hysterical responses are ridiculous. The op has gone through a well respected official website (sitters.com) to find a qualified childcare expert. Who's sex doesn't matter does it? Come on people. What on earth would you do if your child had a male teacher?

Acunningruse · 24/07/2023 07:11

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag my children have had male teachers and had a great relationship with them. But presumably this babysitter would be bathing and putting the children to bed, which a teacher would not. Absolute no for me.

pizzaHeart · 24/07/2023 07:15

Im with your DH in this situation.
and of course it’s not the same as a having a male staff at school or nursery.

Brightandshining · 24/07/2023 07:15

If he was DBS checked and had great references and I liked him when I met him.. and my children were old enough that they could express any discomfort to me.. then yes I'd consider a male babysitter. I am surprised at the responses here.

Hibiscrubbed · 24/07/2023 07:23

TheLostNights · 23/07/2023 22:20

And if I hired a woman from the sitters website, she would be a 'random woman off the Internet'. Not all of us have neighbours or extended family to call on. I would rather a qualified and experienced person come to look after the kids also.
I've left it to DH now. He can find someone.

I’ve used Childcare. They’re not all DBS checked, they just have the option of saying if they are or not, though they can upload documents if they have them. Plenty just tick the box and It’s up to you to check that. You cannot assume based on what they said. Same for quals. I wonder if Sitters is a similar set up.

I arranged to meet several for interview and went from there.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 24/07/2023 07:29

I also wouldn’t use a stranger from the internet of either sex but if I did, and if there was a male babysitter with great references etc, I don’t think I’d be against him per se.

I agree that these sorts of attitudes are a bit sad. We don’t want to see women the only ones in low paid caring roles but we also don’t want to give those roles to men?

One of the best members of staff at one of my DC’s nursery was a man. I had a male au pair as a teen… he was a terrible au pair but not a predator of any sort.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 24/07/2023 07:30

Acunningruse · 24/07/2023 07:11

@Mommasgotabrandnewbag my children have had male teachers and had a great relationship with them. But presumably this babysitter would be bathing and putting the children to bed, which a teacher would not. Absolute no for me.

Why would he be bathing anyone?

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 24/07/2023 07:32

Hibiscrubbed · 24/07/2023 07:23

I’ve used Childcare. They’re not all DBS checked, they just have the option of saying if they are or not, though they can upload documents if they have them. Plenty just tick the box and It’s up to you to check that. You cannot assume based on what they said. Same for quals. I wonder if Sitters is a similar set up.

I arranged to meet several for interview and went from there.

Show quote history

No, sitters personally check all qualifications and interview childcarers.

They are a proper agency.

Zanatdy · 24/07/2023 07:36

I agree with your DH, sorry and not accusing all men but I just wouldn’t do it. He’s not being unreasonable no

StressedToDeathhhh · 24/07/2023 07:37

I wouldnt hire any random stranger (male or female) off the Internet, regardless of qualifications, to mind my children unless it was an absolute dire emergency. I'm single and family live in another town but it still wouldn't occur to me to do that. If it was absolutely life or death and I had to leave them with a stranger then it would definitely not be a man

EdwardianTable · 24/07/2023 07:41

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 24/07/2023 07:04

Is his name Sandy and is your husband's name Ross?

All these hysterical responses are ridiculous. The op has gone through a well respected official website (sitters.com) to find a qualified childcare expert. Who's sex doesn't matter does it? Come on people. What on earth would you do if your child had a male teacher?

I'm very happy with male teachers. Because they are in a school, with 30 children and another adult in the room and (hopefully!) robust safeguarding policies that protect both children and staff. It's a completely different scenario to a babysitter in the home alone with children. I'm surprised you can't see that?

Nice use of the word 'hysterical' to characterise the responses by the way.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 24/07/2023 07:41

All the people saying ‘I wouldn’t hire anyone off the internet to look after my child’ but the amount of threads on here where people are mocked and castigated if they can’t get a babysitter because ‘you can just go on sitters.co.uk and hire someone’ 🤔