All those dreams disappeared so quickly

[Hatethatboredfeeling]

Had Dd later in life due to infertility. Adore her so much, but thinking lately..what happened to my dreams, everything I liked, what I dreamed of for the future..it just went ‘Poof’ into thin air when I had her. That’s so sad.
I loved travelling and dreamed of new places, new people etc, now it just feels bleurgh…by the time I can stroll the streets bt the Amalfi coast, or do a road trip around California, I’ll be 57/58 and unlikely to hook up with some Italian guy.
LIfe just went so very FAST..anyone else feel like this?

I'm 59, had my oldest at 29 and my youngest at 39. We've done loads of travelling with 4 kids. It's just different. More recently (luckily pre-covid) youngest dd and I did a few half term city breaks to places she didn't get to go to or was too young to remember - Marrakech, Berlin, Barcelona, Amsterdam. Fantastic! I still owe her a trip to NY - she was very young when she went (tied into a work trip for DH while I did loads with dcs aged 10,8,7 and 5 weeks).

I found myself unexpectedly a single parent with a 5 year old and 9 year old in tow.

We have travelled the world together - even greyhounding, backpacking and camping across the USA with them as preteens - and encountered snakes abs bears!

So glad I got to do my travels with the kids.
It has given them both the travel bug.

Wait so were you're dreams to be single and hooking up with guys on travels? Why can't you travel and hook up with your husband at 57/58? Did you specifically want some random italian guy?

i'm in my early 60s, my DH late 60s and. we're still travelling 4-6 times a year, walking 20k+. steps a day exploring. Yes, time is running out for us so we are making the most of it.

It is possible to visit interesting places with children . We did with ours, with the compromise that we'd ensure they had plenty of pool time at the end of the day and visited places we thought they'd enjoy.

Why have children then complain because they restrict your?
poor kids

I can’t believe it took you til your 40s to have these thoughts! I felt like this in my 20s when I realised I would never get to go to an American high school like the ones I’d grown up watching. Along the way I’ve had to make peace with not becoming a world-class surgeon/writing bestselling novel/winning an Oscar/living in Paris etc, all while backpacking the world. Life did feel full of possibilities when I was younger but even back then, it was an illusion. You never could have done everything you wanted, mainly because many choices are contradictory. You can still travel of course, but I don’t think your post is about travelling necessarily.

And by the time you're that age you think you won't meet a man? Noone will be interested in you?

Get over yourself. People older than that meet, fall in love etc.

Getting old is not a right of passage none of us are promised a tomorrow, so if you make it to old age, that's a blessing all of its own.

Ref travel, get on with it now. You have summer holidays from school. Take your DD with you. Having children doesn't stop us living, it gives us a different purpose and perspective!

This is why it’s good to live a bit and flirt with rando Italian waiters before you have children. When children become older teens then life can be more about what you want to do.
As politely as I can say it, you sound a little self-absorbed. We all have things we didn’t get to do in life. You have a beautiful child….live in the present and enjoy them - the time passes very quickly and Amalfi will still be there in the future for your, ahem, indulgent fantasies.

I genuinely don’t understand this. I have two kids age 2 and 4 and they travel with me all over the world, and have been to two festivals this year! They also enjoy camping and centre parks and caravans too. They been to the Carribean twice and Spain/ France/ Ireland too.

Just get on with it and make some memories with your daughter. I find travel even more amazing now through the eyes of my little ones.

You are very lucky. My children's grandparents have never looked after my children overnight. In fact it caused a row and a huge amount of tension when I had to beg my parents to look after my first child to go be induced have my youngest. My mum felt that I could just go alone (despite a hugely traumatic late miscarriage in-between my children). My mother in law is much better but refuses to travel by herself (she lives in another part of UK and journey would involve only a short flight by herself) and has only ever offered to look after our children for an hour once they are in bed. It's not just a mumsnet thing, I have several friends with minimal family support too.

Where do you want to go travel? At 5, you can take the car into Europe. Try to combine children friendly places with city breaks so it's not just all about you or her. They are pretty good at 5 if you take it slower. We did Efteling and then Belgium when DC2 was 5. She loved Efteling and loved the chocolates and waffles in Belgium too.

I had DS at 38, DD at 40. Single mother since DD was 2 ( no child support from their father.) I took them out of school when they were 8 and 10, bought a 25 year old camper van for £3500, and went to Morocco and round the continent for 5 months (budget was 70 euros a day including petrol and camping, we lived cheaply.) Later we did a summer holiday in it to the Hebrides, an Easter on the south coast, and another Easter in Ireland. It is possible - you just so it. I've felt much more restricted in the last 5 years due to working full time instead of 4 days a week, but I had to get the kids through secondary school. Once my daughter's out of A levels I'm changing things up again and going hiking. A friend of mine cashed in a small pension to go with her son to Madagascar for 5 weeks. She's broke now, but she doesn't regret it. The campervan trips cost me what could have been a new kitchen, but stuff the kitchen! We had a blast. You decide what your priorities are and spend your money on those. We are lucky though- we bought a place to live back when they were cheap, although it didn't seem so at the time.

OP, one of my favourite things to do is to read the Times online Obituaries. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out...

So often I learn about a really interesting person I never heard of before, who achieved things (big and small) all throughout their long life. It's really common to read about people who had sort of 'second lives' in their 40's, 50's, 60's and beyond where they retrained in something, went on a big adventure, published a novel, or just did something totally out of the ordinary. I find it fascinating and inspiring. There are people from all walks of life doing things they always wanted to do and not letting age or sometimes difficult circumstances hold them back.

Life isn't over because you are 40+ with a child, it's just different for a while. You can still make plans and have adventures with her, and it can still be great. If you keep comparing it to being in your 20's and carefree you are only going to be disappointed, because you are different, but that doesn't mean it's bad, you may need to make some adjustments but you can travel with your family and it can be wonderful. But it's a mindset.

Here is a video I saw recently about 4 women who rowed 3000 miles across the Atlantic together. They are all mothers, and their average age is 47. Yes it's an extreme example, but they decided to do something and made it happen.
(Annoyingly, they are just referred to as 'the mum's' throughout this documentary which I think is a bit bollocks, but hey ho).

I think this is very natural OP. I think what you said about meeting some Italian man is telling - I think you are describing youth more broadly; the feeling that every door is open, possibilities are endless, you are at your prime and a new adventure with a new person is there for the taking if you put yourself out there. We all have to say goodbye to this kind of existence. Having a child will of course close some of these doors, but nothing stops the passage of time and with or without a child we all need to face the doors closing as we age.

I really don’t mean for this to sound miserable. What I’m really trying to say is that I think you are facing a profound struggle we all go through - I think perhaps having a child puts some things into starker focus. But you say your dreams vanished - it sounds like this is a matter of perspective as what sounds like one dream to have a child has been realised. Perhaps the regrets and losses in life are standing out more to you now for some reason.

I think psychodynamic psychotherapy is a good space to explore these themes but it’s not for everyone.

I hope you feel better soon!

I get it OP. I’m 56 and my DC are now early 20s / late teens and I am just starting to get my pre kids life back. But of course now I’m very different. And I’m not quite there yet, though the end is in sight, younger child has A levels next year. It is a bit weird, I’m starting to think about things for me, which I haven’t done for 20 years. And that mid30s person , who did want kids, and who has loved bringing them up, also had loads of other things to do, which now are unlikely to happen. I’ve a few joint issues that make walking something to take into account when planning holidays, days and evenings out. I have quite a few menopause symptoms and considerably less energy. So that tour of the US I’ve always dreamed of, hmmmm, perhaps not. And as for the senior professional position I was going to get to, hmmm, it’s middle management for me until retirement I think! However I made my choices and I love my kids. It’s not all bad, I have really enjoyed my life, but sometimes I do wonder what if?

I’m 59. I could go off and walk down a street in Amalfi tomorrow.

And l think as you get older you’re less inclined to hook up with anyone.

You will do it again. I took my DC on road trips round California and to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas and also to Iceland. We had lots of adventures. But when they're small it's harder. But nothing stays the same forever.

Maybe granny would like to go travelling for the summer. She's done her bit you know.

I'm a bit confused....you have a DH, but want to 'hook up with an Italian guy' Does DH mind about this bit?!

I have my GC lots, one lives with me. It isn't having the kids that is annoying it is the assumption that mum and dad want to do this that or the other so just send the kids to granny who obviously has no plans or dreams of her own. Granny might be 40 and keen to go on a roadtrip and find a nice Italian herself.

I've just turned 50 and my dd is 17- We've always travelled with our dd- Rome, Sorrento, Cyprus, Spain, Florida etc. and DH and I are now beginning our life as a couple again. 50 is not too old to travel and live your dreams. We've been to rock concerts, strolls to the pub, weekends away together and just about to fly off to Greece for a summer holiday alone for the first time in 18 years.

You had plenty of time to do all the hooking up stuff. I don't think you'll ever be satisfied in line of this out your outlook on things.

You're going to miss out on some on those things whatever age you had children. I'll be in my 30s when I can go travelling without them. Other parents will be in their 40s.

I don't get it.

Enjoy it while you can, before you know it DD will be dropping off the GC for 2 or 3 months so she can enjoy travelling (or picking up Italian men.)

I love the idea of sending children to grandparents over the summer (or being the grandparents and getting to have LOs for 6 weeks)!

Unfortunately not gonna happen with most families in the UK😂😂

My parents do a lot of travelling and love having my daughter for the summer. In fact, they keep asking for her to come (they live in Germany) but she's now a teen and competes in a very time-consuming sport, so I'm usually the one saying "no" to them. This year they were asking to have her for all of August, but she can only go for 10 days and it caused a row because they were so disappointed. And they would take her travelling with them if they travel around Europe. I guess it depends on the family set-up and temperament and age of the kids and location of grandparents.