All those dreams disappeared so quickly

[Hatethatboredfeeling]

Had Dd later in life due to infertility. Adore her so much, but thinking lately..what happened to my dreams, everything I liked, what I dreamed of for the future..it just went ‘Poof’ into thin air when I had her. That’s so sad.
I loved travelling and dreamed of new places, new people etc, now it just feels bleurgh…by the time I can stroll the streets bt the Amalfi coast, or do a road trip around California, I’ll be 57/58 and unlikely to hook up with some Italian guy.
LIfe just went so very FAST..anyone else feel like this?

Currently on holiday with DH and DD(6) in a big European city, you do need to make adjustments (time to play in/find a play park, where to eat) but I see no reason why you can’t travel with her. We stay in air bnbs to make sure she can go to sleep and that we can have a wine/play cards. Why not plan a trip to Amalfi for next year? I’d suggest not going when it’s super hot, which is hard with school holidays. We’ve all struggled with the heat this week.

We never bothered going far when DD was tiny. She didn’t sleep, and we live in a different part of the country to most of our family, so we had to spend time off doing all that within the UK. We were about to book a trip away when she was 3 then it was covid. We started going away properly again last year.

My parents took me all over Europe when I was in primary school. It's probably the easiest time to take DC abroad tbh.

I had my DS late in life. I am now 57 and he is 14. My dreams have changed but I can still travel either with or without him. But he is my priority. As I had him late I did a lot of things in my 30’s because I was child free then. And actually 57 is NOT old. I can do just as much with more confidence and wisdom - it is great 👍

Obviously you didn’t choose infertility, and no one really knows it’ll affect them till it does, but you did choose to go on and have a child when you were older, so there are consequences to everything. You’ll have been able to do things in your 20s, 30s and early 40s that I couldn’t do because I was caught up with young children and elderly parents, but I’m doing them now in my 50s…it’s all choices and repercussions 🤷🏼‍♀️

They don’t revoke your passport when you have a child.

Op, I’m 65 and for reasons I would rather not go into I only started wandering around different countries on hoIiday when I was 55. But that’s not to say I hadn’t seen anything of the world prior to that because I had done.

Your time will come and very enjoyable it will most certainly be.

Just to echo some of the other comments here, if you had your DD later on in life didn't you have more opportunity to travel and do interesting things beforehand? And if you suffered from infertility and were able to have a DD, surely she is also part of your dreams? I think it sounds like you might be a bit burnt out, which is understandable.

I am currently pregnant with my own IVF baby and am acutely aware that my own life will change a lot and we won't be as footloose as we were, but I wanted this baby so desperately I really don't care. It is a price I am very willing to pay in order to be a mum. If you were unsuccessful and not able to have DD, you may not have felt that being able to travel freely was that much of a blessing in comparison - I say this as someone who has been in the position of facing not having children (not by choice) and talking myself through the pros of that situation. Although there are many lovely pros, it didn't change my ultimate dream to have a child, but that's a personal decision. I'm going to make an assumption that you feel the same as I also assume you went through infertility treatment but are just going through a hard patch right now, especially after the first 5 tough years of parenthood!

Plenty of my friends still go on interesting holidays with their babies and toddlers, my in laws travelled loads with DH and his sisters when they were small. As DD grows you can do so many fun and amazing things with her and share these experiences with her.

OP, I get it and I often feel the same. My youth was so carefree and it felt like the world was my oyster. I travelled a lot , lived and worked overseas, slept with lots of exciting and unsuitable men and generally felt like anything could happen and I could do anything I wanted. It was all so exciting.

I'm now married (happily!) with three young kids. I still live overseas and by all standards, have a very 'nice' life. I am doing well in my career, I have great friends and importantly, have no real health or financial worries. But I still get that nagging feeling that the best bits of my life are over.

Yes, I can travel. Yes, I could change job or live in another country etc etc. But it's not the same and it will never be the same again.

For all the posters, saying of course you can travel with kids! Well, yeah of course you can. But maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't take my 6, 4 and 1 year to old to a rave with a load of randomers in a field in rural Spain. I wouldn't pack us all a rucksack and get on a random boat with someone I met the night before. I wouldn't chuck my job in on a whim, because I need the salary and I need the health insurance that comes with to cover my son's speech therapy. At at 36, 10 kilos overweight and with a steretypical 'mum tum', I know that I will never be considered sexy or desirable again. The chances of me moving to New York now, writing an award winning play and hosting amazing drinks parties in my loft apartment are also pretty remote now.

Maybe it's rose tinted glasses, maybe it's nostaliga. But it's true. Youth really is wasted on the young.

I'm a little baffled by this post tbh. Even if you didnt have a child, how could you "hook up with an Italian man" if you're already married? and why cant you travel with your child?

Life isnt over in your 50s fgs, thats a horribly negative mindset. Yes, having a child does curtail life when they're young but presumably if you battled with infertility, having a child was also a dream of yours which you now have?

I think you need to reframe your thoughts and stop imagining some perfect carefree existence because life isnt like that for anyone. Its very easy to imagine this perfect, grass is greener life because you arent actually living it, its a fantasy in your head that you are viewing through rose tinted glasses so of course its perfect. If you were living it, it wouldnt be perfect at all.

I get it OP. I feel the same at the moment. I have a 2 and 4 year old and spend so much on nursery fees I can't really afford to travel like I used to (or at all with school holidays prices - still can't believe the price hikes.

Even if we had the money I have zero energy because one of them doesn't sleep and I just don't have the energy for even a short plane ride with two wriggly kids, let alone a trip to California (which is the dream). The 4 yo is going through a phase of saying no and kicking up a fuss and not being able to sit for more than 10 mins when we eat (even with an iPad).

I'm hoping next year we might be able to save enough to go abroad but I'm also hoping to have a week off by myself next year too!

I know how you feel. When I was younger I'd look at holiday brochure covers of white sands and turquoise sea and promise myself that "One day..."
Then university happened, then straight into a job and saving for a house so spending anything as frivolous as sand and water would have led to self-flagellating guilt. Then children arrived, and all the money now goes on helping them through life... and I'm suddenly the wrong side of 55. Never been to a festival, never travelled - only debt is house and (DS's) car, thanks to this frugal existence, but where are the memories?!?

Xelam not sole charge for months at a time though which is what a pp was suggesting.

Travel with her. Might not meet the Italian guy but no need to put the kibosh on adventures. I do what I’ve always done, my life didn’t change much, they just come with me for some of it.

Just take her with you OP, sure it’s a bit of an adjustment but life isn’t over.

We so mostly the same stuff as before, it just takes a bit more planning. We would tone down any really adventurous stuff (eg drop a multi stop holiday into a two stop to make it easier on the kids)

I also don’t enjoy holidaying with other children so we do adjusted adult style holidays in nice hotel and expect our children to be well behaved. It doesn’t all have to be buffets, kids shows and the dreaded Sani.

So you had DD late in life - therefore had plenty of time for those road trips and meeting italians before you had her. If you didn't do it then, I think it's quite unfair to now blame your DD for ruining your dreams.

Why aren't you travelling with your family? Yes, it's different from when you were 20 and happy to do all kinds of crazy things. But the main reason it's different is that I'm no longer 20 and don't want to sleep in a random bus station in Spain or get into questionable adventures with men I just met.

And having a DH is surely more of an obstacle for hooking up with other men, at least generally frowned upon, unless you have an open marriage?

OP you are still young- have 30/40 years of life left.
That's an awfully long time to feel old.
You have a lot of time for dreams, travel, whatever.

I am in my 60s, have done yoga all my life, but ramped up during covid and now attend an intermediate/advanced yoga class every day. I have never been so fit in my life.

I also started a small business in my late 50s, it has been hugely successful, I earn more than I need.
I have travel plans too- my DD ( 23 ) and I love going on holiday together ( I have an OH but he is not quite so adventurous) we are planning a trip to Machu Picchu in Peru in the next year or two, The Acropolis and the Alhambra too.
I look forward to my future.

Two thoughts - I’ve heard stories of people with toddlers going off and touring Africa in camper vans so I’m sure something in Europe or North America should be possible if that’s what you want.
Also, have you watched any of the “Race Across The World” series on television? If you’re not
familiar with it you will see it involves pairs of people travelling under difficult, competitive conditions and at least one series was won by two mature women (don’t recall exact age but definitely 50’s, possibly 60’s). If they can do that, then travel with more budget, more planning etc when you are older will be a piece of cake! Available on I-player.

Didn't you get to do all that travelling as DD can later in life?

So you had DD late in life - therefore had plenty of time for those road trips and meeting italians before you had her. If you didn't do it then, I think it's quite unfair to now blame your DD for ruining your dreams

This. Why didnt you do it during the years you had no responsibilities? That would have been the perfect time, but I'm guessing you didnt because life got in the way which is no different to whats happening now! Its easy to place blame on other things/people for us not following our dreams but we have to look at our own actions for that, we are all responsible for our choices and if you didnt choose it back then, what makes this period of your life suddenly different?

I think when you get to a certain age those dreams change, but you're slap bang in the middle of having a different lifestyle to your dreams. I had my dd late and I'm in my 50s and can just see light at the end of the tunnel (Shen a teen and about to finish school, and off to either post 16 or collage) I'm fortunate I've got a good pension so will hopefully retire at 60 with enough money to travel, but you're right, I'll be travelling with a 60 yr old man, and won't be hooking up with some athletic Italian guy

For 2 months full time?

Bit of an odd thread. If a man came on here saying his child was preventing him travelling and hooking up with an Italian woman (and he was married) he'd have his arse handed to him on a plate....

This is exactly why after a year of working after uni, I went travelling for a year! I could see that once you got into employment, buy a house, have the children, you are essentially stuck! A 2 week holiday is not comparable to getting a one way ticket to the other side of the world and moving wherever you want, whenever you want.

Now I'm happily 'stuck' but I'll always have my memories 🤣 You have to embrace and be grateful for what you do have, not what you haven't. I watched a YouTube video on this unfortunate man who's been stuck in an iron lung for decades poor chap, he'd love an ordinary sort life I'm sure!

For reference, I'll be 50 when my youngest turns 16 so hopefully I'll have plenty of life in me yet! As will you.

By 5 my youngest had driven through Europe 3 times (stopping in Holland, France, Switzerland, Austria, Germany, Italy, Belgium), taken an overnight train to Italy, flown to Iceland and Cyprus, been to euro Disney. If my budget stretched to long haul they’d have been much further!
By 9 he’d been canyoning in the south of france, swam with turtles in the med,ridden horses through the camargue, been on a gondola in Venice….
Take DD along on your dreams.

I’m travelling Europe with my four year old this summer. You’re never as young as you are now and I feel like if I don’t go out and do things while I can then I might never do it (grandparents and a parent who got quite ill in their early 50/60s and had regrets of things they wishes they’d done has given me the fear to get out and live in my 30s). Don’t wait for when your dd is grown, or x y z. You never know what’s round the corner.

Try and find some things to look forward to, whether you can do a solo weekend trip yourself or with your DH or plan things with your DD. The world is still out there waiting!