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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger child takes your toddler to the toilet

128 replies

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:09

I had a really unsettling experience today and I wanted to gauge opinions.

My husband and I took our 3 year old daughter to soft play today. We were sat on a couch, between my husband and I we were playing/watching our daughter. A father and his 2 daughters sat near us. I struck up conversation with the father. His 2 daughters were 12 and 13. His 12 year old started to interact with our daughter straight away. At first I was a bit surprised as she was very forward and stroked/picked our daughter up which our DD responded to, seeming at ease. The 12 year old then asked if she could play with our daughter and I said yes. I was watching them but the soft play was fairly large. I thought there was only one entrance/exit so wasn't too anxious as I could see if my DD left and continued to chat with the father. After about 5 minutes I got up to look for my DD and I couldn't find her. I came back to my DH to get him to go into the soft play to see if he could find her (I have a mobility/pain disease which limits my movement). He couldn't find her either - I got up straight away and as soon as I got to my DH I saw my DD come out of the toilet with the 12 year old. The 12 year old said she washed her hands. I asked whether my DD asked to use the toilet, the 12 year old seemed a little guarded. DD seemed fine showing me she washed her hands. DD wanted to go back to play with the 12 year old. I restated to the 12 year old that if my DD needed the toilet again to come get me or her dad. My DH and I took it in turn to then watch them both. I then went to the toilet and when I came back I could hear my daughter saying mummy, I came out and saw my DD was looking for me. The 12 year old was trying to encourage her to continue playing but I could see my DD wanted to leave. So I scooped her up, said bye to the father and his 2 daughters and left.

This happened about 8 hours ago and I still feel very uneasy about it all. Effectively for roughly 10 minutes I had no idea where my daughter was.

So AIBU and overthinking it or AINBU?

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 23/07/2023 01:31

HairMb · 23/07/2023 00:48

No you lot are ridiculous.

A random 12 year old should not be taking a toddler they don’t know to the toilet.

Not a single person has said that the 12 year old should have brought the OP's child to the toilet, of course she shouldn't have. Most of us have just pointed out that the likelihood is that there was nothing sinister to it.

MucozadeOnLucozade · 23/07/2023 01:51

Your child wanted toilet and as you weren't around the teenager kindly helped on your behalf. You're overthinking this.

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 04:15

I'm sorry but your child came to no harm, the 12 year old did a good job and you should have been watching your child!

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 04:18

Stop talking about the 12 year olds lack of boundaries and think to yourself that you left your child unattended for at least ten minutes. That's not normal at soft play. The mums I know wish that soft play could be a relaxing experience, but have to constantly watch their child. All of this is on you.

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 04:19

Why didn't your child ask you to go to the toilet?

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 04:21

Fireroselily · 23/07/2023 01:04

For those saying 12 year old girl unlikely to be an abuser, I unfortunately know of 2 around that age that were (both were also being abused) it's a sad cycle and you really just never know. Hoping no lasting damage has occured and you and your family can move forward with some lessons learned OP

Well then the mother should have been more attentive.

Newshoess · 23/07/2023 05:05

Struggling to believe this I've never see 12 year old in a soft play and 15 year old would certainly not be allowed to join in. I've been to several different ones also, surely as a parent why would you be taking your child to soft play at this age?

I won't comment on the rest... because I don't quite believe it.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 23/07/2023 05:17

Honeychickpea · 23/07/2023 00:09

Indeed. This thread is bordering on the ridiculous.

Show quote history

This.

I also find it incredibly distasteful to bring Jamie Bulger in to it.

TRexTara · 23/07/2023 05:18

This whole thread is odd.

bakewellbride · 23/07/2023 07:26

I would've nipped that in the bud and not let any of that happen at all. The second the 12 year old started to touch the 3 year old I would've been straight in there "no thanks, we don't let people she doesn't know pick her up!" in a brisk, breezy tone with a smile then I would've picked the 3 year old up and just 100% not let anything else happen. You were too passive op.

MinnieTruck · 23/07/2023 08:00

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:56

The dad was there when I spoke to his daughter (he got up when he realised I couldn't find mine, so therefore he didn't know where his daughter was either). He did ask whether I would feel better if his daughter played nearer... I said no it's ok as they seemed to be having fun together and I would move closer to watch them (so see them at all times).

Show quote history

His response is even weirder! It’s like he didn’t see the problem with his daughter accompanying yours to the toilet.

Like you said, it’s a lesson well learned

Enoughnowbrandon · 23/07/2023 08:26

Honeychickpea · 23/07/2023 00:09

Indeed. This thread is bordering on the ridiculous.

Show quote history

I agree. I don't see it as inappropriate taking her to the toilet either. I am a woman in my fifties and If I took a child to the toilet, I would just wait outside. It would never occur to me anyone thought I would hurt the child. And the same would go as a 12 year old.
OP, I'm sorry you had such a fright, it must have been awful not knowing where your daughter was, but I'm sure she wasn't at risk.

cyncope · 23/07/2023 08:56

This wouldn't really bother me, sounds like the 12 year old was just enjoying looking after a toddler.
The chances of a 12 year old girl being an opportunistic child abuser are so low it wouldn't cross my mind to be honest.

dottiedodah · 23/07/2023 09:11

I think she in all likelihood just loves children and wanted to help.However it was strange she didnt ask you or DH first.Hopefully just thought she was being kind.Maybe avoid play areas so large in future ? It must be difficult with so many age ranges .Just stick to under 5s in future

Un7breakable · 23/07/2023 09:13

Lots of teenage girls like to play mum/dolls with little kids. I think the odds are this is what happened, and either the teen belatedly realised the toilet was a bad idea or more likely read your body language was was worried about getting into trouble. In future try to keep a better eye and remind your dd if she needs the bathroom to come and ask you.

Freesideofcringe · 23/07/2023 11:00

Pebstk · 23/07/2023 00:48

So much panic and scaremongering here.

How many young children in UK in last 30 years killed by another child? I can think of little Jamie Bulger and that’s it. A very small number of children seriously attacked by other. It is not a routine, common, likely or even rglegilsf thing.

Children are not waiting in soft play to abduct and/or abuse other children.

Predatory abductors do not routinely frequent soft play and sit with numerous other people who recognise them, with likely security cameras inside and outside (well if they did they would be very thick).

I think this is misguided. James Bulger is not the only reference point. There are plenty of stories of soft play incidents which are not widely reported. I remember a terrible incident a few years back. Child on child abuse if common and it would be naive to assume it doesn’t happen.

the bottom line is watch your child and then you don’t need to worry what random 12 year olds are doing.

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 11:08

I'm from a different generation to you and at 12 I was babysitting or looking after or out for much younger children as in the 70s children of all ages were allowed out to play with older children.

I suppose there was an element of being bossy but I loved looking after little children.

I don't think the girl who took your daughter to the toilet was being untoward such is the fear of those things nowadays but more likely to enjoy playing 'mum' and the element of telling others how responsible she is.

The problem in all this is that you and your husband were not keeping an eye on your daughter.

blacknredsweeties · 23/07/2023 11:17

The 12 year old being harmless isn't the point.

She was sat chatting to a random dad and didn't know where her 4 year old was.

Hannahsbananas · 23/07/2023 11:27

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 23/07/2023 00:09

I don't know if soft play businesses have safeguarding policies and procedures, but it might be worth contacting the company to log it?

I agree with others that this is a 12 year old playing mum. But on the incredibly unlikely chance that these people had ill intentions, would the business keep an eye out, as if these people are regular visitors that would be a bit of a red flag.

Why would the business keep an eye out?! Op’s daughter had TWO parents with her, it was on them to keep her safe.
Instead of watching her, they sat gasbagging away to a random stranger having let another random stranger (albeit a 12 year old) take charge of their child!

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 23/07/2023 15:48

Freesideofcringe · 23/07/2023 11:00

I think this is misguided. James Bulger is not the only reference point. There are plenty of stories of soft play incidents which are not widely reported. I remember a terrible incident a few years back. Child on child abuse if common and it would be naive to assume it doesn’t happen.

the bottom line is watch your child and then you don’t need to worry what random 12 year olds are doing.

Show quote history

How did you hear about the stories if they aren't widely reported?

Negligent parents are statistically (as the OP has amply demonstrated) far more common than any kind of stranger danger.

2bazookas · 23/07/2023 16:31

Creeps can be anywhere but very, very few of them are 12 year old girls.

OTOH, a creep could pay a couple of girls to take small children to the toilet where he's set up a camera.

Daddy ,12 and 13 all in soft play area, sounds very odd to me.

RedHelenB · 23/07/2023 16:39

Mountains and molehills. Your dd was fine, probably loved having a big kid at her beck and call. But I agree, 2 parents should really hqve had more awareness of whqt was happening.

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 23/07/2023 17:41

Hannahsbananas · 23/07/2023 11:27

Why would the business keep an eye out?! Op’s daughter had TWO parents with her, it was on them to keep her safe.
Instead of watching her, they sat gasbagging away to a random stranger having let another random stranger (albeit a 12 year old) take charge of their child!

Show quote history

Yes, the parents should be supervising.

At the same time, businesses like soft plays have some duty of care to ensure that predatory sex offenders are not hanging round on the premises. So if the same guy keeps turning up with his teenage daughters....and they keep befriending young children and taking them secretly to the toilet, I'd expect the business to ban him and contact the police to investigate.

Soft plays I have been to don't allow an adult in unless they are with a child for safeguarding reasons.

Zwellers · 23/07/2023 20:51

Mummy08m why are you scaremongering and insisting the 12 years old father must be a wierdo.

Zwellers · 23/07/2023 20:56

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne/2bazookas. Are you for real in your made up fantasy now all men who take children to softplay are abusers and theres cameras set up in the toilets by him. Seriously.

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