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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger child takes your toddler to the toilet

128 replies

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:09

I had a really unsettling experience today and I wanted to gauge opinions.

My husband and I took our 3 year old daughter to soft play today. We were sat on a couch, between my husband and I we were playing/watching our daughter. A father and his 2 daughters sat near us. I struck up conversation with the father. His 2 daughters were 12 and 13. His 12 year old started to interact with our daughter straight away. At first I was a bit surprised as she was very forward and stroked/picked our daughter up which our DD responded to, seeming at ease. The 12 year old then asked if she could play with our daughter and I said yes. I was watching them but the soft play was fairly large. I thought there was only one entrance/exit so wasn't too anxious as I could see if my DD left and continued to chat with the father. After about 5 minutes I got up to look for my DD and I couldn't find her. I came back to my DH to get him to go into the soft play to see if he could find her (I have a mobility/pain disease which limits my movement). He couldn't find her either - I got up straight away and as soon as I got to my DH I saw my DD come out of the toilet with the 12 year old. The 12 year old said she washed her hands. I asked whether my DD asked to use the toilet, the 12 year old seemed a little guarded. DD seemed fine showing me she washed her hands. DD wanted to go back to play with the 12 year old. I restated to the 12 year old that if my DD needed the toilet again to come get me or her dad. My DH and I took it in turn to then watch them both. I then went to the toilet and when I came back I could hear my daughter saying mummy, I came out and saw my DD was looking for me. The 12 year old was trying to encourage her to continue playing but I could see my DD wanted to leave. So I scooped her up, said bye to the father and his 2 daughters and left.

This happened about 8 hours ago and I still feel very uneasy about it all. Effectively for roughly 10 minutes I had no idea where my daughter was.

So AIBU and overthinking it or AINBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:40

3dogsandarabbit · 22/07/2023 23:36

15 in soft play? normally it is 12 or a height restriction for safety reasons.

Just took this bit from the website...

Only children who are under 4’10 or 148cm in height may play. Children over this height may be allowed to play at the discretion of the supervising staff.

OP posts:
Whichclubisittonight · 22/07/2023 23:40

It seems more likely the 12 year was enjoying playing "mum" to your DD and may have said "do you need the toilet" and your DD just said yes.

My cousin's DD was a bit like that at this age, quite forthright (and bossy) and would go up to random strangers and very boldly ask if she could stroke their dog or some such. I can totally imagine her enjoying taking over looking after a 3 year old but not really knowing appropriate boundaries.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:42

Hannahsbananas · 22/07/2023 23:35

Why did you strike up a conversation with a random stranger in the first place, op?
Seems an odd thing to do when you were already with another adult and were supposed to be watching your 3 year old?

Just being friendly. We were sat on a sofa/chair area. My husband and I one side and the other family the other side. Both parties shared a coffee table so it happened quite organically.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:42

angelikacpickles · 22/07/2023 23:38

Oh for goodness sake! I understand what you are saying, I just don't agree. Your implication is that the girl is an abuser because she has been abused herself. My point is that regardless of how creepy or otherwise her father may or may not be, she herself is very unlikely to have done anything to the OP's child. But hey ho, scaremonger away.

Show quote history

Um, no. Please read what I am actually saying? I don't think the 12yo has done anything to op's dd. That's why I have said the phrase "near miss" twice in this thread.

I'm implying that the 12yo's behaviour is a possible indication that, perhaps, her father is a weirdo. It could be him or another strange man next time who leads her toddler away. Therefore op needs to review her supervision technique and her dd's stranger danger.

I've repeated this twice already on this very short thread.

No idea why you're attributing idiotic ideas to me that I haven't said and I've directly contradicted. Maybe you're not reading well because it's late...?

Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:44

Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:15

You really must watch... imagine if it had been the dad rather than the 12yo girl.

Also I recommend sticking to 0-5yo soft plays so there are no older kids.

Don't beat yourself up because no harm done probably, but just like at work you have to reflect on "near miss" events.

@angelikacpickles

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:45

TappingTed · 22/07/2023 23:36

🤔 it’s a weird one but statistically it’s highly unlikely a 12 year old girl is a predator… rather that she was overly involved and overstepped her boundaries in taking a child to the toilet. Isn’t your daughter able to say whether she “helped “ her at the toilet ? My under-3 could definitely give a good account of an event like that… enough to put my mind at ease anyway.

I was babysitting at 13 and I don’t see any big issue out of this, other that what you’ve realised already and that is you cannot be so lax in future with people befriending your child that you don’t know where they are for 10 minutes. A different 12 year old might have just lost interest and abandoned your wee one up a big slide or opened a door out of the building etc

Good point about lost interest scenario - I hadn't actually thought of this one. It would have been difficult to leave the building though as you have to sign in and out and only staff can buzz you in/out.

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 22/07/2023 23:45

Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:42

Um, no. Please read what I am actually saying? I don't think the 12yo has done anything to op's dd. That's why I have said the phrase "near miss" twice in this thread.

I'm implying that the 12yo's behaviour is a possible indication that, perhaps, her father is a weirdo. It could be him or another strange man next time who leads her toddler away. Therefore op needs to review her supervision technique and her dd's stranger danger.

I've repeated this twice already on this very short thread.

No idea why you're attributing idiotic ideas to me that I haven't said and I've directly contradicted. Maybe you're not reading well because it's late...?

Show quote history

I'm reading fine, thank you. You were scaremongering. You made up a back story where the child's father is a creep who is abusing his daughter to explain something that most likely has a much more innocent explanation.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:45

TappingTed · 22/07/2023 23:36

🤔 it’s a weird one but statistically it’s highly unlikely a 12 year old girl is a predator… rather that she was overly involved and overstepped her boundaries in taking a child to the toilet. Isn’t your daughter able to say whether she “helped “ her at the toilet ? My under-3 could definitely give a good account of an event like that… enough to put my mind at ease anyway.

I was babysitting at 13 and I don’t see any big issue out of this, other that what you’ve realised already and that is you cannot be so lax in future with people befriending your child that you don’t know where they are for 10 minutes. A different 12 year old might have just lost interest and abandoned your wee one up a big slide or opened a door out of the building etc

Also good point about the babysitting - I was also babysitting around the ages of 12/13.

OP posts:
IhaveanewTVnow · 22/07/2023 23:46

I have an 18 year old and a 21 year old. Looking back at their childhood there were occasions where in hindsight I now think bloody hell that could have gone very wrong. It didn’t. Don’t dwell on it, learn from it and move on. However three year olds should not be out of your sight. Ever. Safe situations can change very quickly.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:47

Whichclubisittonight · 22/07/2023 23:40

It seems more likely the 12 year was enjoying playing "mum" to your DD and may have said "do you need the toilet" and your DD just said yes.

My cousin's DD was a bit like that at this age, quite forthright (and bossy) and would go up to random strangers and very boldly ask if she could stroke their dog or some such. I can totally imagine her enjoying taking over looking after a 3 year old but not really knowing appropriate boundaries.

Thankyou for this insight. I feel a little more balanced with this scenario in the mix in how it played out as my mind has gone to worse case scenario.

OP posts:
DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/07/2023 23:47

Did you ask your DD what happened? Maybe she could shed some light as to why they went to the toilet?

MinnieTruck · 22/07/2023 23:48

Hannahsbananas · 22/07/2023 23:33

Maximum age allowance was 15?
In a space suitable for 3 year old’s? That sounds like utter carnage.
Even assuming a 15 year old would actually been seen dead at soft play.

Not unusual where I am. There’s a huge family zone with soft play and rock climbing. Anyone from age 0-16 can enter.

It’s weird that the girl would randomly take your child to wash her hands but I really can’t understand how you weren’t watching her like a hawk. I take my 2 year old to our local family zone and I literally follow my daughter everywhere.

Getting distracted and not knowing where she is for a few minutes is somewhat understandable. Not knowing where your child is for 10 minutes and there’s 2 parents is odd

Freesideofcringe · 22/07/2023 23:48

I am suspicious of everyone, at all times due to my own experience. All I’d say is, and you know this now, don’t let your child out of your sight again, and express that toilet time; they don’t go with strangers.

We impress upon our older kids, if a little one near you/playing with your little brother etc needs the toilet, you ask “who is looking after you?” and send them that way.

Mummy08m · 22/07/2023 23:49

angelikacpickles · 22/07/2023 23:45

I'm reading fine, thank you. You were scaremongering. You made up a back story where the child's father is a creep who is abusing his daughter to explain something that most likely has a much more innocent explanation.

Show quote history

You are misquoting me again. I didn't say "is a creep" and most certainly never said the poor 12yo is. I just said it was a possibility. And even if not that dad, some other soft play dad could be a creep. So you have to watch your child doesn't go off with one.

I'm trained in safeguarding and it's a possible red flag if a child that age has poor boundaries around toileting and other other children toileting. It is really quite unusual for a 12yo, that's y7 or y8, wants to help a toddler they've just met go to the toilet, and is even pushy about it. Really very unusual.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:50

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/07/2023 23:47

Did you ask your DD what happened? Maybe she could shed some light as to why they went to the toilet?

She said she went for a wee and washed her hands (she seemed more focused and happy about the washing her hands bit). What unsettled me is how the 12 year old seemed anxious about it.

OP posts:
MinnieTruck · 22/07/2023 23:52

angelikacpickles · 22/07/2023 23:45

I'm reading fine, thank you. You were scaremongering. You made up a back story where the child's father is a creep who is abusing his daughter to explain something that most likely has a much more innocent explanation.

Show quote history

100%.

She sounds like an overly eager pre teen who was playing mum. She overstepped the boundaries and clearly had no one to tell her. I wouldn’t let a kid get so friendly again in future OP

MyGuineaPigIs007 · 22/07/2023 23:52

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:50

She said she went for a wee and washed her hands (she seemed more focused and happy about the washing her hands bit). What unsettled me is how the 12 year old seemed anxious about it.

Show quote history

Possibly the 12 year old seems anxious because she realised belatedly that may not have been the appropriate thing to do? Or anxious because you, understandably, were anxious.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:52

@MyGuineaPigIs007 this is my thought too

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:53

@MinnieTruck completely agree that this is the most likely scenario. Lesson definitely learnt.

OP posts:
MinnieTruck · 22/07/2023 23:53

Did you not say anything to the dad? Nothing confrontational but something along the lines of, ‘oh your daughter just took mine to the toilet. Could you get her to let me know next time so I could take her instead’

MyGuineaPigIs007 · 22/07/2023 23:54

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:50

She said she went for a wee and washed her hands (she seemed more focused and happy about the washing her hands bit). What unsettled me is how the 12 year old seemed anxious about it.

Show quote history

There have been cases of child in child abuse (James Bulger case comes to mind and Mary Bell) but it's not common, thankfully. Maybe time to talk with your DD about going off with strangers? Apologies if this sounds patronising, it's not meant to be.

NewNovember · 22/07/2023 23:55

All three of my older girls had rush of hormones at 12 that made them want to "mother" their younger siblings and friends toddlers and babies it's very normal at that age.

angelikacpickles · 22/07/2023 23:55

Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:50

She said she went for a wee and washed her hands (she seemed more focused and happy about the washing her hands bit). What unsettled me is how the 12 year old seemed anxious about it.

Show quote history

Probably because you were in a panic and she realised she had done the wrong thing in bringing your DD to the toilet.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 22/07/2023 23:56

MinnieTruck · 22/07/2023 23:53

Did you not say anything to the dad? Nothing confrontational but something along the lines of, ‘oh your daughter just took mine to the toilet. Could you get her to let me know next time so I could take her instead’

The dad was there when I spoke to his daughter (he got up when he realised I couldn't find mine, so therefore he didn't know where his daughter was either). He did ask whether I would feel better if his daughter played nearer... I said no it's ok as they seemed to be having fun together and I would move closer to watch them (so see them at all times).

OP posts:
OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 22/07/2023 23:57

I think that's quite disturbing. I really don't like soft play from a safeguarding perspective - young children out of sight in a soft play frame with other random children and adults does not sit well with me as a mother.