Stranger child takes your toddler to the toilet

[Sparklybutold]

I had a really unsettling experience today and I wanted to gauge opinions.

My husband and I took our 3 year old daughter to soft play today. We were sat on a couch, between my husband and I we were playing/watching our daughter. A father and his 2 daughters sat near us. I struck up conversation with the father. His 2 daughters were 12 and 13. His 12 year old started to interact with our daughter straight away. At first I was a bit surprised as she was very forward and stroked/picked our daughter up which our DD responded to, seeming at ease. The 12 year old then asked if she could play with our daughter and I said yes. I was watching them but the soft play was fairly large. I thought there was only one entrance/exit so wasn't too anxious as I could see if my DD left and continued to chat with the father. After about 5 minutes I got up to look for my DD and I couldn't find her. I came back to my DH to get him to go into the soft play to see if he could find her (I have a mobility/pain disease which limits my movement). He couldn't find her either - I got up straight away and as soon as I got to my DH I saw my DD come out of the toilet with the 12 year old. The 12 year old said she washed her hands. I asked whether my DD asked to use the toilet, the 12 year old seemed a little guarded. DD seemed fine showing me she washed her hands. DD wanted to go back to play with the 12 year old. I restated to the 12 year old that if my DD needed the toilet again to come get me or her dad. My DH and I took it in turn to then watch them both. I then went to the toilet and when I came back I could hear my daughter saying mummy, I came out and saw my DD was looking for me. The 12 year old was trying to encourage her to continue playing but I could see my DD wanted to leave. So I scooped her up, said bye to the father and his 2 daughters and left.

This happened about 8 hours ago and I still feel very uneasy about it all. Effectively for roughly 10 minutes I had no idea where my daughter was.

So AIBU and overthinking it or AINBU?

I think it is overfamiliar and likely because someone has taught her to be overfamiliar/bad boundaries.

My dd is only slightly younger and still needs help wiping her bum after a wee. As in she will just wait and expect me/whichever responsible adult to do it.

I maintain that it's very very odd for a 12yo to be willing and eager to wipe a toddler's bum for them.

I don't think op's dd came to any harm (just reiterating that for the hard-of-comprehension) but I think it's one of those situations that remind you that a toddler is vulnerable and there are weird people out there (reiterate: I'm not calling the 12yo herself a weirdo, but something is very odd).

@MyGuineaPigIs007 sadly you make a good point that a stranger danger conversation is needed. As soon as I realised her dad couldn't find her (as I thought they were just buried deep in the soft play somewhere) my first thought was JB.

Probably nothing to be concerned about and it's easy to lose track of where the child is in a large soft play but it's a bit odd to take a 12 and 13 year old to a soft play. Nephew age 9 would be outraged to go to soft play! Maybe it's exceptional and good for older kids. Don't think mine at 3 would go with another person to toilet but you never know. I've noticed many people (men more than women) sitting at tables on phones and laptops paying no attention to what the children are doing whereas I'm practically injuring myself following the children up rope ladders, going down twisty slides and trying to negotiate obstacles!

@Sparklybutold I would talk to her. I agree, a 12 year old girl is likely not to be an abuser but may have inappropriate boundaries if they have been abused.

The dad was working on and off. His older daughter had just come from football practice. It was raining today, the soft play has an indoor football area, small but enough to play against a small team.

@Whichclubisittonight has got it spot on - I'd imagine the girl was loving being "Mother".

Probably the chance she is waiting for to be in charge of someone younger, especially as she has an older sister who probably bossed her.

One of my friends was like this with me as a child, she was 2 years older and loved nothing more than fussing over me, brushing my hair, telling me what to do, and pretending to be in charge. It was infuriating! It sounds very similar and although it must have been terrifying for those 10 minutes as you searched for your DD, my guess is nothing bad happened. Lesson learned.

@Sparklybutold ignore the poster going to the very worst (highly unlikely) conclusion.

@PlinkPlonkFizz

Thankyou 💐

It’s always best not to assume when it comes to safeguarding.

I don't know if soft play businesses have safeguarding policies and procedures, but it might be worth contacting the company to log it?

I agree with others that this is a 12 year old playing mum. But on the incredibly unlikely chance that these people had ill intentions, would the business keep an eye out, as if these people are regular visitors that would be a bit of a red flag.

DD (11) loves to dote on little ones. She actually enjoys playing with them,making them laugh etc. She's also quite touchy feely with them, but not kids her own age/adults. I think it's just the cuteness factor.
Possible scenarios:

The older girl needed the toilet and didn't want to leave your DD "unattended " or your DD wanted to go too.

Your DD asked to go/said she needed a wee or did the wee dance and was asked if she needed to go.

The awkwardness could be either because she realised it was inappropriate or read in your voice/body language that you weren't happy about it. Tbh , since you let her off with your DD and weren't watching closely, she probably felt a certain degree of responsibility which is why she did what she did.

Little ones do need watching in places like this, not just because of worst case scenarios, but the more likely accidents,bumps, getting stuck somewhere, arguments, bumping into people/tables/hot drinks etc. In a way you did make that girl responsible for all of that ,albeit for a short period of time, so it's not that out of the ordinary that she took that responsibility a step forward. Hence the reassurance that your little one did wash her hands.

Indeed. This thread is bordering on the ridiculous.

My kids are 11 and 13 and haven't been in a soft play for about 4/5 years.

I imagine mothers who were sexually abused as a child would be much more anxious about situations like this one and see threats everywhere.

It's good to be careful though, statistics show that child sexual abuse is not rare.

Thanks for sharing your insight 💐

Very weird to have girl that age in a soft play area for 3yo.

As pp say it’s v unlikely she had bad intentions and was v quick in the toilets. Most likely she doesn’t have good boundaries. My 9yo loves little kids but would know not to take a child to the toilet like that and can understand a parents perspective.

I would not let a 3yo out of my sight in a public area.

I was horrifically abused/raped - this is why I wanted to gauge opinions. Although not demonstrated here by my lack of judgement, I am hypeevigilant, especially with my daughter. I feel nauseous about it all tbh. I hate feeling so on the guard about it all the time.

How do you know who's turn it is to watch? Very bizarre. Just watch your child instead of talking to strange men.

How do I know who's turn it is to watch? My husband and I tend to ‘tag’ each other - as in if DD goes behind me, and DH in front of me then I will ask him to watch her so I don't need to crane my neck.

Your the second poster who's mentioned about talking to people (or strange men as you put it). Do you not talk to people when you're out? I'm genuinely curious as the way you've phrased it implies you don't talk to people? What constitutes a strange man?

I'm so sorry to hear that was your experience @Sparklybutold.

There is something seriously wrong with your thinking.

At 12 I was helping out at the crèche at my church. Always with adults present, but I loved “looking after” the little ones. I babysat my way through uni so wiped loads of bums then. I bet this girl was just being helpful - or thinking she was.

It’s funny because the other day my colleague’s little girl told me she needed the toilet and I said we would get her dad to take her - I definitely didn’t want anyone asking questions about why I brought her to the loo.

Thank you for sharing your insight 💐 I know the chances are much more likely it was just the 12 year old being super lovely and helpful.

Girls can be predatory too. I know this from personal experience. Rare perhaps but definitely possible. No one is above suspicion in my eyes.
On this occasion it was likely an innocuous situation but you’re right to feel unsettled. She’s a stranger and a possible threat.

I have a niece like this. She’s really overbearing with smaller children & has to be told to stop picking up, attempting to feed, change nappies etc. Her parents think she’s just “great with kids” but it’s actually very annoying & inappropriate .Part of it is that she’s bored which they often are at that age because they’re too young for lots of things and too old for many more. Soft play is definitely one of them. Perhaps she was just looking for a way to entertain herself.

Has your DC said anything? Are they able to coherently relay a story?