Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
ShinyDysonHereICome · 27/02/2008 13:57

I'd text back asking about when she is going to pay you

morre · 27/02/2008 14:02

oh gosh I just realise you have 6 DS!! Why take on more, just tell her it's too much for you and give her an end date, maybe Easter or so if it's not too long for you to wait, defo ask for the money!! I used to deal with these issues by email, sooo much easier!!!

morre · 27/02/2008 14:05

I meant DC!

cupsoftea · 27/02/2008 14:06

largegin&tonic - I've just read your first post so might be repeating the other posters.....

I've been in a similar situation. I would say that next time you see her you or you could call her just say - "It's been great looking after your child for Xnumber of after schools but now it's not possible. I can take him home tomorrow but after that you'll have to explain to him he wont be coming to our house after school" Big smile, cheery tone. Just say no to all requests. Then you have to go or the doorbell rings... Good luck with this - stand firm. She's crossed the line that separates you helping her to her just using your good nature. You are now a NO person.

Kewcumber · 27/02/2008 14:06

"I feel all free" just imagine ..... it could be like this all the time....

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 27/02/2008 14:07

Give her immediate notice tmw. I am sorry if it inconveniences her but you are enabling her to earn money and you are not working for her so don't have to give notic imho.

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2008 14:10

Changed my mind - I would call her as you're not seeing her today, you've probably now geared yourself up for it - waiting until tomorrow will be unbearable (as well as for us hangers on!)

finknottle · 27/02/2008 14:11

Ha! See how we can't keep away?
Savour tonight. Once you've sorted this you will enjoy every afternoon and doubly especially Fridays. Remind yourself.

Er, G&T, at:

she said "oh sorry i forgot to phone you, i am poorly today and i got a neighbour to collect him as i dont have the childminder children!"

You've been collecting her ds every day since after Christmas, for weeks - and she was ill and didn't even think to call you? Not ill enough to think of asking a neighbour to go the school...

If you give her a warning she may come tomorrow armed with "The dad says she'll def have a place after Easter" blah blah and you'll be stuck with it for a whole MONTH more.

cupsoftea · 27/02/2008 14:13

g&t - check out the thread for my problem -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/466850
some people just take more than they should. I've redefined my boundaries and my first word is NO to people like this!!

cupsoftea · 27/02/2008 14:18

just read the part about being off sick - sooo annoyed for you. I'd just text her that you can't collect from today end of story plus let the school know in case she claims she didn't know. Reclaim your family afternoons, free yourself from this awful person.

terramum · 27/02/2008 14:32

G&T...I've just skimmed this so apologies if it has been mentioned before but you might be in a bit of trouble if she does pay you, even in kind, for looking after her LO...

From the NCMA website:
"Anyone who looks after other people's children in their own home for more than two hours at a time for payment or reward must, by law, be registered as a childminder."...I think it sounds very that she has said she will pay you for the arrangement. As a childminder herself she will know full well she is not allowed to pay you unless you are a registered childminder herself.

morre · 27/02/2008 14:39

So what about nannies then? I used to pay a friend for 2 years for collecting my DD with her kids from school, if she makes a fuss, even more reasons to end it!

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 14:46

Wish i could do it today and get it all over with Bugger, bugger.

Will keep it till tomorrow morning before school. If her ds is not in school tomorrow then i may be tempted to phone.

Hate talking on the phone, much better in person.Dont even like talking to British Gas am useless arent i?

Must do the 'free from' school run now. Sound like a Sainsburys aisle

Thank you all, will keep you posted

OP posts:
terramum · 27/02/2008 14:51

Difference between Childminders, nannies etc from the NCMA website:

"What's the difference between a childminder, a nanny, a nursery nurse and a babysitter?
Childminders

Anyone who looks after other people's children in their own home for more than two hours at a time for payment or reward must, by law, be registered as a childminder. And anyone who looks after children from three or more families on any domestic premises for payment or reward must, by law, be registered as a childminder.

Childminders must be registered in England by Ofsted or in Wales by the Care and Social Services Inspectorate Wales (CSSIW). Most childminders work in their own homes, sometimes with a partner or assistant. Childminders are self-employed and negotiate a fee with parents for the service they provide. Childminders must have had basic training and hold public liability insurance.
Click here for NCMA's popular leaflet about how to become a registered childminder.
Nannies

Nannies generally work in the child's home and are employed by the child's parent(s). From April 2005 any family using a nanny and wanting to claim the childcare element of the Working Tax Credit will have to ensure that their nanny is approved under the Government's voluntary approval scheme.

NCMA has membership designed especially for nannies, which includes

  • The support of a professional, not-for-profit childcare charity
  • an enhanced Criminal Records Bureau disclosure
  • public liability insurance
  • two handbooks full of useful information
  • a risk assessment checklist
  • free NCMA information line
  • money off products and services.

Find out more about being an NCMA Nanny here.
Nursery nurses

Nursery nurses usually work in nurseries or cr&ecircches, which must be registered by the CSIW or Ofsted, and insured. You can find out more about nursery nursing from the Professional Association of Nursery Nurses (PANN).www.pat.org.uk
Babysitters

Babysitters generally work in the child's home and do not need to be registered, insured or trained, although some may have done first aid training. You can find out more about babysitting from the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA). NCMA members holding NCMA public liability insrance can complete a babysitting checklist to ensure that they are covered by their insurance. Buy a copy here.www.rospa.co.uk"

morre · 27/02/2008 17:07

wuaw thanks Terramum, very elaborate!
must save this somewhere. Everyone back from schoolruns yet?

Mrsjaffabiffa · 27/02/2008 18:01

Go lg&t........ Good Luck for tomorow, hope she's there, she needs to know and your are absofreakinlutely NOT being ureasonable!

You are so lovely, have 6 of your own, have asked for nothing in return and she is now taking the michael, she should know all of the above and be completely apologetic and understanding if she is at all decent.

Janni · 27/02/2008 18:15

Was she a friend of yours before you had children?

Over the years, because I am quite
accommodating like you, I have found myself being regularly landed with other people's children. My DH couldn't understand it either.
It was only a house move and a third child that helped me put a stop to it. Now I'm VERY guarded about new 'friends'. Those so called friends, once you stop being useful to them, often melt away and you realise they weren't much interested in you as a person, only in how you could make their life easier.

I hope you find the strength to set limits - life is much better when you can do so. Good luck x

cupsoftea · 27/02/2008 20:34

good luck g&t - you'll feel so good when you've said NO to her

Feisty1 · 27/02/2008 20:44

Can I just add that I had to have a 'confrontation' with someone recently and it went like this;

I took a deep breath and went and said what I had to say.

It was scary and I was a bit miserable beforehand, but I was so glad I did it. The person was very easygoing about it, which made it easy, but I did think ' I have had sleepless nights over this '

I felt so much better once it was done.

I don't think you should ask for money, but I do think that you should say you cannot do it anymore. Also start serving dinners that you all eat if you carry on. Bugger doing special meals for someone elses child.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 06:42

No Janii i only met her ayear ago. We moved here in August 2006 and i have only really started to make 'good' friends. This particular one is someone i wish i had not

Am attempting to gear myself up for today and will be putting my pith helmet with spike, tipped in poison on after my shower to further 'get in the mood'

OP posts:
finknottle · 28/02/2008 06:57

Cheery good morning LG&T
Came on to help you don your armour.
Tell me about how you enjoyed yesterday afternoon?

Agree with Feisty and the meals. The boy may well act up regardless of what you offer (and go to an effort to offer) as he just sounds uncomfortable there. The more you actually look at what she expects you to do, the more astonishing it becomes.

I have also steeled myself to be more assertive over the years and that first blurt is decisive. Once it's out - no going back so make sure it's apt: "Look, this isn't working" is pithy enough and once you start, it'll all follow.
"I can't do it any more and to be honest, I don't want to, it's too much."

"It's too much" could be your repetitive sentence as you can add:
"It's too much, I have enough to do with my 6"
"It's too much, and when one or more of them is ill, as NOW, it's not fair on them either."
also: "don't honestly think your son enjoys it, once or twice is OK but this has been (how many?) weeks"

Am partial to the:
"We want our afternoons and Friday evenings to ourselves again" line

We've got your back, as the Americans say.
You're too bloody good-hearted

Kimi · 28/02/2008 07:20

good luck

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 28/02/2008 08:15

Am all ready and armoured up Bet she wont come now and i will be all deflated again.

Post as soon as i am home so you can all laugh celebrate with me.

OP posts:
kitbit · 28/02/2008 08:41

ooh I got here late this morning, how are you G&T? Did you see her and did you kick ass?

finknottle · 28/02/2008 08:54

kitbit - your rinse & repeat technique is v good, have adopted it instead of twisting myself in grammatical knots explaining the same thing in different words.
It's multo bueno

Swipe left for the next trending thread