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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I seem to have backed myself in to a corner...

416 replies

largeginandtonic · 26/02/2008 10:32

I am collecting my friends ds for her from school every day and on a Friday every other week he stays for tea until 630-7. She has asked me to keep him overnight, i have made excuses so far.

She is a child minder and has taken on a little girl that goes to another school to her ds. This means she is not able to do 2 school runs at once. The situation should be temporary as the little girl is on a waiting list for the same school as her ds attends.

I collect my ds and her's at the same time, 3pm. I then sit in my car with them (and my 2 younger children age 3 and 9 months) and wait for the twins to come out from the junior school. I get home the children shoot upstairs with a snack (starving after school) and play\fight\drive me insane.

She arrives about 445ish, i then have to invite her in and chat while i am busy doing lunchboxes etc... and she yells for her ds to get his shoes on, pick his stuff up.

The Friday situation is because she drives over to Surrey to take her mum and Nan shopping. Neither can drive and her Nan is quite poorly.

This has been going on since the children went back to school after Xmas. She mentioned at the time we started this that she would pay me, particularly for the Friday. It has never been mentioned again.

I know he is not in the house for a long time and i do the run anyway but i am just a bit miffed that she is getting paid to have this little girl and i have her ds for nothing.

It is becoming an issue as my dh really does not like the situation at all. He is not really fond of her ds as he causes extra fights between the children and a HUGE issue for us is he does not eat! We always try to plan tea time to be very child friendly if we have him, chicken nuggets, chips and veg. Mine think it is Xmas as we are so careful with their diet food like that is treat. We also always make sure the children eat everything on their plate before pudding. He never does and moans as soon as he sits down at the table Pushing his food around and looking like we are torturing him.

He is never happy to be picked up after school and clearly dislikes the way we parent.

I would have to stand next to her everyday at school, i see her most mornings too.

What have i done!!! How do i change it? DH is threatening to speak to her as he is so annoyed with it all. Gah!

Apologies for length of whinge

OP posts:
JaneHH · 27/02/2008 11:00

Yes Fink and I have to go to lunch now (or at least I do)... I'll be back later on for an update!!

You go girrrrrl

ShinyDysonHereICome · 27/02/2008 11:02

I would write her a letter, hand it to her and run

Far easier than trying to have a conversation with hundreds of kids hanging around.

I would also ask when she is planning to pay you for the work you've done so far

Don't ask IF, ask when.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 11:02

Oh my hero...IDBIF Now if you lot think i have alot on my plate this woman has 8 children

OP posts:
kitbit · 27/02/2008 11:07

wow !!

Me too, I'm off for lunch, didn't want you to think we were all bailing out! Keep re-reading this thread of you feel your strength wavering!
Back later

Idobelieveinfairies · 27/02/2008 11:09

lol..what are ya like!

Not much different between 6 and 8 IMO!.....your hasseled already...so you don't notice a couple more..lol (of your own of course)...

Now woman...you'd better tell this lady at 3 ok!!!!!!!! You have done your good deed for the year.

We don't want you all stressy.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 11:10

I am off to curl up with ds pox boy, the baby will be awake soon too.

Will keep checking and re reading

OP posts:
hifi · 27/02/2008 11:19

l g+t, if i log on at 4.30 will it be done?

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/02/2008 11:20

G&T - sorry of this has been raised in the thread, but have you got this woman's phone number? If you have, do it over the phone, a lot easier that way!

AMumInScotland · 27/02/2008 11:23

Keep strong LG&T! We're all sending assertive vibes your way

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2008 11:30

lol at this thread
Right...I'm really assertive (when I have time to think it through, not in RL
I agree - don't apologise and don't explain, you don't owe her explanations. If you want to start the sentence with "I'm sorry, but...", start it "I'm afraid this isn't working..." - sounds better too IMO.
JaneHH gave some fantastic advice, if you give excuses she will counter them (well maybe I could be back 10 mins later / we'll get him to eat normal food etc). Also giving excuses will strengthen her belief that this is something you should be doing, that you are getting out of.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 11:50

Hifi it will all be over by then, i will

a) be cowering in the corner afraid to log on to MN and share the news of my diabolical failure.

or

b) necking the G&T congratulating myself on new found assertiveness while hugging all on the thread.

I do have her phone number but dont really want to do it over the phone, will have to see her afterward anyway and it will be all awkward and weird. Although it is going to be all awkward and weird anyway i suppose

OP posts:
jellies · 27/02/2008 11:54

Just allow her two weeks to find other care she can't complain she's not paying for the care he's getting now!
Be strong, be brave!!! and do it before your hubby does and mortifies you all together!

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2008 12:03

Yeah you're right, don't do it on the phone, that makes it a big deal...it's not...you're just mentioning that it's no longer working.

AMumInScotland · 27/02/2008 12:33

I would totally hate doing something like that over the phone - not exactly fun to do it face-to-face either, but it's more direct.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 13:16

Aaaarrrgghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
She has just sent me a text to say the her ds is not at school today as he is not wel (wondered why i didnt see her this morning) Now i wont be able to speak to her until tomorrow.

Nice of her to text though i suppose, the other week i waited for him to come out and he never did! I started to panic and asked his teacher, she said he had already gone! Can you imagine the desperation in my voice as i wailed at his teacher "noooooooo, it is supposed to be ME that gets him" I phoned her on the spot and she said "oh sorry i forgot to phone you, i am poorly today and i got a neighbour to collect him as i dont have the childminder children!" I nearly died

Good grief, why is it when you make a decision about something the world seems to go all out to thwart my careful plans.

Sorry everyone, this is dragging now. I am soooo miffed.

Must keep up mantra and stay strong

OP posts:
Idobelieveinfairies · 27/02/2008 13:20

Would it be an idea to text her back saying

'oh thats a shame i wanted to have a chat with you today about it all'

?

just a thought....

jellies · 27/02/2008 13:23

I wouldn't give her the chance to prepare.. just wait till tomorrow, keep her on the door step and just tell her..

JaneHH · 27/02/2008 13:25

Yes, do text her back, LG&T (still striking while the iron's hot etc ). Perfect opportunity. You've paved the way for the conversation which will make things a LOT easier...

JaneHH · 27/02/2008 13:30

mmhh Actually I think you're right, Jellies.

Assertiveness in the conversation and NO indication that it's coming until it hits her like a two-ton truck. YESSSSS. Taste of her own medicine etc.

Don't let my dithering put you off, LG&T... am dithering about whether you should give her any warning or not, NOT about whether you should be in any doubt that you're going to KICK SOME ASS

[go LG&T] [go LG&T] [go LG&T]

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 13:31

She couldnt read a long complicated text and i really dont want to do it over the phone

Oh ffs. Am crunching my beetroot savagely

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 27/02/2008 13:43

You are an adult.

You aren't about to do anything wrong, mean or illegal.

You have been doing her a BIG favour and now it is time you stopped.

Good luck.

Kewcumber · 27/02/2008 13:47

your beetroot is not cooked enough if it is crunchy btw...

morre · 27/02/2008 13:53

i haven't read it all, but I would just ask her when she will settle the ... amount she owes you as promised since X-mas for taking care of her son, bet you she will change the arrangement very quick!

Idobelieveinfairies · 27/02/2008 13:54

Like jane says though it's giving her a bit of warning...you won't be telling her over the phone.....at least then she might think over-night about it and it won't be a shock for her to hear it tomorrow...not that it is a shock......if you know what i mean.

You don't want to have her dc anymore, and their is nothing she can say that will make you feel guilty and change your mind about it, as it is causing probs with your family and you will always put them first.

Any realistic person will realise this.

Original poster
largeginandtonic · 27/02/2008 13:57

Kewcumber i like it crunchy

Nowt i can do till tomorrow now, hey ho. Still i do have the night off from him! I feel all free

OP posts: