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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People coming over unannounced

82 replies

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 21/07/2023 15:31

AIBU to absolutely HATE people coming over unannounced?
Is this normal?
Like it literally enrages me.
Just let me know. How hard is it! I would never just turn up at someones house without checking with them first.

OP posts:
Tidsleytiddy · 21/07/2023 15:34

Loathe it. One of my pet hates. Call ahead.

GalileoHumpkins · 21/07/2023 15:36

I don't love it but it doesn't enrage me, that seems a bit extreme.

kayserah · 21/07/2023 15:36

Yeah I agree, it’s rude to not ask if you’re OK for visitors first.

Toobusytoocare · 21/07/2023 15:37

Am absolutely not fussed . If I am busy I say so 🤷‍♀️

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/07/2023 15:38

Not keen either, but I now live somewhere where few people know me. Close friends, fine though.

orangeyeahthatsright · 21/07/2023 15:39

I'm exactly the same OP - in this day and age checking whether it's convenient first is the easiest thing in the world - but be prepared for a volley of snarky comments about people expecting their friends and family to make an 'appointment' to see them. (Bonus points for an 'only on Mumsnet do people not answer the door' if anyone suggests this course of action.)

SamW98 · 21/07/2023 15:42

Exactly the same OP but thankfully it never happens as my circle all polite enough to check first.
Turn up unannounced here, the door doesn’t get opened.

SamW98 · 21/07/2023 15:43

orangeyeahthatsright · 21/07/2023 15:39

I'm exactly the same OP - in this day and age checking whether it's convenient first is the easiest thing in the world - but be prepared for a volley of snarky comments about people expecting their friends and family to make an 'appointment' to see them. (Bonus points for an 'only on Mumsnet do people not answer the door' if anyone suggests this course of action.)

And more bonus points for ‘socially inadequate’ ‘ or diagnosis of ND.

changeyerheadworzel · 21/07/2023 16:01

Absolutely HATE it, It's rude to just arrive on someone's doorstep without as much as a text. I have, on numerous occasions not answered the door. I entertain if I WANT to entertain or if you do me the courtesy of sending a message beforehand to let me know you are coming, no way on God's earth will I be forced to have you visit because you have no manners. Not a chance. My time is too precious to me for that carry on and I won't be "called to on the off chance I am in". Check with me first to see if it is ok with me for you to call. By the same token I would NEVER just turn up at someone's door unannounced. So fucking rude.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/07/2023 16:07

I love unexpected visitors but people on MN barely answer the door it seems !

PeloMom · 21/07/2023 16:08

Can’t stand it. Everyone has a phone on them these days! Zero excuse not to at least give heads up (although even that isn’t ok; wait to be invited for gods sake!)

Silverbook · 21/07/2023 16:10

I posted about this once too. I absolutely hate it. I frequently pretend to be out and have zero guilt about doing this.

2bazookas · 21/07/2023 16:13

If I don't want unexpected visitors I just turn them away.
"Sorry, I'm not going to ask you in, I'm in the middle of something . "
V ; "could I just"
"No, I'm working "
V "it won't take a minute.."
" No, I don't have time just now. I can hear my phone."

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 21/07/2023 16:17

I HATE it and would always just say no. DPs family all lived within a quarter mile radius so it’s very normal in their circles. I wouldn’t even go to my mums without asking if she is free

BlibBlabBlob · 21/07/2023 16:20

HATE it. Fortunately it rarely happens to me, my friends and family know better.

What if it's mid-afternoon and I'm not showered and properly dressed yet? Embarrassing, I don't want to be judged by unexpected visitors or have to explain myself.

But equally I really resent the idea of getting washed and dressed first thing, even if that doesn't suit my schedule (anyone else stay in PJs until they're done cleaning the house on a Saturday, for example?) just in case visitors turn up and judge me.

Not fussed about delivery drivers though, I don't care if I look rough as fuck to them as they're not coming in and I don't know them. I just open the door, take the parcel with a quick 'thank you' and get back to whatever I was doing.

And I know it's a MN favourite trope but yes, I am neurodivergent. My home is my safe space and I like to know well in advance if anyone is going to be coming in that doesn't actually live here.

vdbfamily · 21/07/2023 16:21

I love it. No expectations. No worries about getting house ready or preparing food. Just make a cuppa and have a nice chat. If there are biscuits in the house that is a bonus!

LlynTegid · 21/07/2023 16:21

There are these things called mobile phones. So no need to be unannounced at all.

Curseofthenation · 21/07/2023 16:23

It's a hard no from me, but then none of my friends or family would dare try to turn up uninvited. They know I like to organise meet-ups and have busy weekends.

Onedownonetogooo · 21/07/2023 16:37

MIL normally amazing but has twice turned up on a Saturday morning at 9am with her son my BIL and my niece .We have a newborn and a toddler and both times I’ve been in my dressing gown breastfeeding!

MIL was shocked I was in dressing gown . I had been up since 6 am and Jugging the children . I found it beyond rude she didn’t text and say they were going to come over .

JaninaDuszejko · 21/07/2023 16:40

I grew up in a remote rural community where it's completely normal to turn up unexpectedly at someone's house. This is of course partly because the farmhouse is basically the reception to the farm. But what it means is a lot of work for the farmer's wife who has to constantly keep the house in a fit state for visitors. My Mum to this day cannot leave her house unless it's 'visitor ready' in case someone pops in when she is out and she always has baking in tins ready to distribute to anyone who comes to the house.

I now live in a town where nobody would pop past your house unexpectedly, even my neighbour who I've been friends with for 20 years would send me a quick text before popping in. My childhood best friend and her DH once turned up at my house uninvited (and very unexpectedly, she lives hundreds of miles away) one Sunday morning when the DC were preschoolers. DH was out, I was cleaning the house, hadn't showered and was wearing my scruffiest clothes and not 'guest ready' at all (in the way only a sleep deprived mother of small children can be). I then had to toddler wrangle for several hours while also trying to entertain unexpected visitors. It was so embarassing but I was also so annoyed that they hadn't phoned ahead to arrange a meet up so DH could have been there as well and we could have had a nice time. The DC got increasingly fractious (they didn't know my friends) and started demanding lunch and asking where DH was. It was terrible and then I felt guilty for being a bad host because they never did it again!

xogossipgirlxo · 21/07/2023 16:44

I prefer them much more than overnight guests.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 16:45

Unless it's a true emergency, just showing up at someone's home expecting to be let in to socialise is totally unacceptable.

There will be posters along shortly who will insist that if you're not 100% thrilled to have people pop in unannounced whenever they feel like it, you're a cold-hearted sociopath.

DinoMummsy · 21/07/2023 16:50

Yanbu, I also hate people just turning up without asking first 😬

countrygirl99 · 21/07/2023 16:50

Most of my friends have horses so they know there's a good chance of wasting your time if you don't check where someone is before calling in.
ILs used to be bad at this despite living 40 minutes away. One Saturday they turned up and waited in the car for an hour before giving up. We'd gone on a last minute weekend camping trip with friends.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/07/2023 16:51

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2023 16:45

Unless it's a true emergency, just showing up at someone's home expecting to be let in to socialise is totally unacceptable.

There will be posters along shortly who will insist that if you're not 100% thrilled to have people pop in unannounced whenever they feel like it, you're a cold-hearted sociopath.

Absolutely agree. There's no excuse in this day and age.