"Fatist" Friend

SusanBetty · 2023-07-20T22:03:44+00:00

I have a friend I see every month for coffee. She's lovely, apart from one thing, she's very unkind and judgemental about anyone overweight. I'd feel awful even repeating things she says, so I won't, but every time she says something I do call her out and say 'that's unkind/that's judgemental/I'd rather you didn't say that' but she's getting worse - this past year I've noticed she's almost venemous with her comments. She's always been a lovely friend, but increasingly I'm uncomfortable. Any advice for what I can say? Or AIBU and it's none of my business what she thinks? I'm not that slim so goodness knows what she secretly thinks about me!

Bluesheeps · 20/07/2023 23:09

I just wouldn’t hang out with someone who makes me feel uncomfortable

takealettermsjones · 20/07/2023 23:13

If you've already tried calling her out on individual comments I think I'd have one last try at doing a general calling out... i.e. "you keep going on and being really rude about fat people, even though I've asked you to stop it, what gives" type of thing. If she keeps on then I'd stop seeing her.

Sunsetandsunrise · 20/07/2023 23:17

YANBU. You mention you’re not even that slim so sadly some of her comments might be slyly aimed at you tbh. I had a friend who made a few too many fatphobic comments and tbh I should have pulled her up on it but instead I just did a slow fade because of that and other nasty things she’d say about people.

I think you could say to your friend that you find her words overly harsh and people become overweight for all sorts of reasons including poor mental or emotional health /medication /injury etc . And even if someone is overweight through greed or laziness there are also thin people who are greedy so it’s unfair to target fat people.

Lastly,if she persists or tries to argue with any of the anbove ask her why it bothers her so much and does she think her comments are helpful to anyone fat who overhears?

BounceyB · 20/07/2023 23:21

It sounds a bit much. I had a friend that did this with poor people. Many heated discussions later, I realised she was a pain and left her to it.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/07/2023 23:42

Tell her she’s a fat fascist and it’s really unkind. She will either shut up or, if not, you know she doesn’t care, in which case, dump!

PixieLaLa · 21/07/2023 00:33

You could try asking her why she makes these comments next time she does it

Original poster

SusanBetty · 21/07/2023 06:21

Sunsetandsunrise · 20/07/2023 23:17

YANBU. You mention you’re not even that slim so sadly some of her comments might be slyly aimed at you tbh. I had a friend who made a few too many fatphobic comments and tbh I should have pulled her up on it but instead I just did a slow fade because of that and other nasty things she’d say about people.

I think you could say to your friend that you find her words overly harsh and people become overweight for all sorts of reasons including poor mental or emotional health /medication /injury etc . And even if someone is overweight through greed or laziness there are also thin people who are greedy so it’s unfair to target fat people.

Lastly,if she persists or tries to argue with any of the anbove ask her why it bothers her so much and does she think her comments are helpful to anyone fat who overhears?

That's how she's become worse, she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

She's been extremely slim all her life, no eating disorder but just isn't bothered about food, hates cooking, lives alone so she mostly just eats yoghurt and salad.

So she thinks being overweight is greedy/lazy. I've told her that's not the case, that she has no idea about someone's life and what they're going through.

I will try one last conversation with her! Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:

malificent7 · 21/07/2023 06:28

She sounds like a boring fun sponge. Are you sure she's "lovely?"

Original poster

SusanBetty · 21/07/2023 06:38

malificent7 · 21/07/2023 06:28

She sounds like a boring fun sponge. Are you sure she's "lovely?"

She's brilliant company apart from this! As well as coffee, we go on day trips a lot to London, have the same interests in theatre, art galleries, she's helped me move, always gives the best advice when I ask. She's a lot older than me and is definitely a mum figure, so I look up to her.

It's just this one thing!!

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 21/07/2023 06:45

Your friend definitely has "food issues " her eating sounds similar to an eating disorder.

Hence why she's judging others.

personally I'd have to say to her " why are you bothered about other people's eating habits " see what her response is .

Maray1967 · 21/07/2023 06:48

itsmylife7 · 21/07/2023 06:45

Your friend definitely has "food issues " her eating sounds similar to an eating disorder.

Hence why she's judging others.

personally I'd have to say to her " why are you bothered about other people's eating habits " see what her response is .

Spot on. Sounds like she has a problem herself.

But if you hear her saying hurtful things in people’s hearing, why haven’t you spoken up - loudly enough for those people to hear? You’ve colluded with her via your silence. Find your voice.

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2023 06:52

What's she actually saying? Nasty things randomly about people near? Not acceptable.
Not agreeing re current trend that models like those for snag tights/other currently celebrated morbidly obese people are fantastic and absolutely healthy?

Motnight · 21/07/2023 06:52

She sounds horrible. I hope that one of the people that she makes nasty comments about challenges her.

Honestly I can't see how you look up to a person like this Op. She is being deliberately nasty.

DiamanteFan · 21/07/2023 06:56

I'ld be very wary of opening up too much too her about your life from now on OP, sounds like she has a very nasty streak if she's happy to deliberately upset people.

WandaWonder · 21/07/2023 06:58

I would just ask her if those opinions are covering up an eating disorder, doesn't justify it but she seems to have issues

romdowa · 21/07/2023 06:58

She lives on yogurts and salads? Yeah your friend is definitely suffering with some issues around healthy and normal eating

Mayhem3 · 21/07/2023 07:09

That's how she's become worse, she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

I don’t understand how you can be friends with someone like this.

I would definitely not meet up with anyone who was going to be so disrespectful about others because of the way they look.

She obviously had very deep issues which usually stem from jealousy but regardless I would not be meeting up with her again and I’d be telling her the reasons why.

marblesthecat · 21/07/2023 07:11

My first thought was an ED (not that it's an excuse ofc) but I've read your updates and she sounds really awful. I'm sure we all think unkind things but saying them so the other person can hear you is really horrible.

Sunsetandsunrise · 21/07/2023 12:14

SusanBetty · 21/07/2023 06:21

That's how she's become worse, she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

She's been extremely slim all her life, no eating disorder but just isn't bothered about food, hates cooking, lives alone so she mostly just eats yoghurt and salad.

So she thinks being overweight is greedy/lazy. I've told her that's not the case, that she has no idea about someone's life and what they're going through.

I will try one last conversation with her! Thank you for the advice.

Show quote history

She sounds deeply unhappy, and dissatisfied with her life because irrespective of her personal opinions if she was happy and content she wouldn’t go out of her way to make cruel comments designed for randoms to hear and be hurt by.

You’re welcome and good luck with that conversation!

ManateeFair · 21/07/2023 12:18

That's how she's become worse, she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

She's an absolute bitch who enjoys hurting people.

She is not, as you seem to believe 'lovely'. She might be lovely to you, but she is not lovely in general. She's horrible.

Anyotherdude · 21/07/2023 12:20

Any “IST” friend is not a friend, really - but you already know that!

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2023 12:24

If you think she can stop you owe it to everyone to tell her to knock it off. If you think she can’t help herself you owe it to her to tell her she has developed a serious social/psychological issue, like uncontrollable farting, and should see a medical specialist about it.

Enfys1982 · 21/07/2023 12:41

She has an eating disorder by the sounds of it and is projecting her own issues onto other people to make her feel superior. Either way she sounds a twat.

JoeyRamoney · 21/07/2023 12:44

Your friend is a nasty bully. I just could not bring myself to be friends with someone like that?

5128gap · 21/07/2023 13:16

I think some of the escalation in behaviour like your friend's is linked to the growing numbers of women who appear confident at a larger size. As long as OW women know their place and creep around apologetically in tents, all's well with the world. As long as they know they look awful you can be kind and not point it out.
To see OW women being confident in their appearance and even daring to show their flesh seems to really trigger some women who 'do all the right things' to not be fat, and feel the reward of percieved superiority might be slipping away.
If you really want to wind you friend up, praise these women to the skies. Tell her how lovely you think larger bodies look.