"Fatist" Friend

[SusanBetty]

I have a friend I see every month for coffee. She's lovely, apart from one thing, she's very unkind and judgemental about anyone overweight.

I'd feel awful even repeating things she says, so I won't, but every time she says something I do call her out and say 'that's unkind/that's judgemental/I'd rather you didn't say that' but she's getting worse - this past year I've noticed she's almost venemous with her comments.

She's always been a lovely friend, but increasingly I'm uncomfortable. Any advice for what I can say? Or AIBU and it's none of my business what she thinks?

I'm not that slim so goodness knows what she secretly thinks about me!

THIS. Its called 'Thin tokens.' Because society promises you the world if you JUST lost those extra pounds - work hard on that diet and kill yourself at the gym and you will magically be popular, asked out on dates, do well at work, have lots of confidence. To see fat women happily living their life undoes the whole system.

Why would you be friends with someone like this?

I don't understand this. How can someone be so absolutely lovely... except for the fact she's really mean, venomous, and hurtful to other people.

It's a pretty massive exception to her otherwise "lovely" personality.

I simply couldn't be friends with this person. Fatphobia is a dealbreaker for me.

I've known her 20 years, I'd say the first 15 years she never made any comments, but then maybe a few years ago they started. She's been a great friend and genuinely lovely, kind, generous person.

Only more recently are they saying the horrible comments loudly, it's definitely not been a part of her character before in any way.

She's very happy, positive, definitely no eating disorder, she has wonderful relationships with her adult kids and their families - she's the sort of hands-off, laid back and respectful MIL (only has kind words to say about her daughter in law and both son in laws) you'd wish for. She travels a lot, has no money concerns or health troubles (even at 77!) she's never come across as judgemental apart from this.

It's just overweight strangers that seem to trigger these comments.

She is not nice or lovely. Diminishing strangers based on how they look is a vile way to behave and you are enabling her.

You’d sure as he’ll be outraged if she were making comments about disabilities, people’s intelligence, general appearance.

Being hateful about something that has literally zero effect on her in earshot of the subject of her derision is vile. Those are not the actions of someone lovely inside.

I could literally not be around someone like that.

I’m a fat person btw.

I’m depressed. My father abandoned me, my mum died in my teens, I had a series of failed family homes after that. I was sexually abused as a child. I have two disabled children. I have two jobs.

I’m coping brilliantly and yer your friend feels I’m not worth being respected, not deserving of kindness, just because I’m fat. And you and all of the people with her sitting in silence as she makes people feel ashamed are complicit in her abuse of strangers.

Let’s hope your friend runs into someone me one day and I’ll tell her what type of person she is - but plenty of people will be broken by her horrible behaviour.

She says these things because she needs somebody with her to make her 'brave'. I bet she doesn't utter a peep when she's on her own.

I would give it one last try - tell her that it's annoying you and to stop - or she'll not have your company as you don't want to listen to it and nobody else should either.

One day this stupid woman will say it to the wrong person and will get a short, sharp lesson in keeping her mouth shut and her vapid thoughts to herself.

If she only eats yoghurts and salads she most definitely has an eating disorder! You must know that is not a healthy or normal diet!

She has a problem with food and that's why she's being such a bitch about overweight people.

She isn't caring about hurting others - in fact she's making real efforts to do so.

I would have a straight talk with her and if she won't pack it in I'd stop seeing her.

she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

One day she'll make a snide comment about the wrong person and she'll get a smack in the mouth for her trouble. As a rule, I don't support violence in any situation... but I also can't say I'd be saddened to hear of that outcome.

It seems so at odds with her personality, and how kind and caring she's been - she's always been on a pedestal for me with how positive her outlook is. I'll see what she says when I bring it up again!

Does she make the comments about men and women?

I think I may say something like ‘friend you really do not seem a nice person when you make these comments’ and go from there. You may realise her behaviour bothers you too much to see her regularly if at all.

My mum started doing this when she got old and a bit demented. It was like going out with the oldest toddler in town; no social filters at all.

Not saying this is the case for your friend but complete disregard for social correctness is not OK.

Be very firm with your friend in your next conversation that she understands how offensive her openly judgemental opinion of others is. She may have every private right to her own ( outdated) opinion but may not realize that in today's world it is morally indefensible and you will no longer tolerate another word in public or private.

This. Honestly OP, you can't just sit there while she makes comments that could really hurt people. It's not on.

Hmmm without wishing to sound too ageist, I wonder if at 77 she’s just thinking ‘fuck it’ and turning the filter off a bit? Or not even realising she’s doing it. My mother is the same.

If she's 77 and this is new, socially inappropriate behaviour, is there any chance she has alzheimers? A couple of thr older cohort in my family had it, these are not unfamiliar symptoms.

Oh blimey I hope not :(

She doesn't cope with driving much anymore, but assumed that's just a normal age related thing.

Is being more intolerant a symptom, do you think? As I say, it is out of her normal character that is getting worse.

She sounds hard work. I couldn't be doing with being around that kind of thing. Life's too short.

@Merryoldgoat I hear ya, I had a very abusive childhood and disordered eating from an early age. I have P COS and some disabilities which mean I'm very hefty. I can't understand why the world has such hatred and prejudice against the obese.

She'll probably see this. Mn is full of fatists 😆

At 77 she might be losing her filter - also her appetite; it's common for older people to want to eat less so that might also explain why she's eating only yoghurt and salad. I would find it so hard to be out in public with someone who makes loud, rude comments about other people whether it's about their weight or anything else! It must make you feel very awkward, but I'm not sure what you can do about it if it is age-related. As you say it's a new behaviour, that does make sense as an explanation.

There is a reason why she has lived her life alone eating salad and yoghurt. She’s a nasty person.

How old is she? My grandmother became like this and was diagnosed with dementia (mum says she would never have said things like that before!)

I was going to suggest dementia

I don't know whether being more intolerant is always a symptom, but more rigid thinking and an inability to remember what is or is not appropriate is, I think.

I hope it's not that, but if you've had no luck asking her to moderate her tone and abusive words in your presence at least, maybe asking her whether she has considered a check up might be kind.

I always think there’s something wrong with people who need to make negative remarks about the appearance of others.

I think there’s something lacking in them. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that, more than anything it’s just embarrassing and mean.