"Fatist" Friend

[SusanBetty]

I have a friend I see every month for coffee. She's lovely, apart from one thing, she's very unkind and judgemental about anyone overweight.

I'd feel awful even repeating things she says, so I won't, but every time she says something I do call her out and say 'that's unkind/that's judgemental/I'd rather you didn't say that' but she's getting worse - this past year I've noticed she's almost venemous with her comments.

She's always been a lovely friend, but increasingly I'm uncomfortable. Any advice for what I can say? Or AIBU and it's none of my business what she thinks?

I'm not that slim so goodness knows what she secretly thinks about me!

In my experience someone with an ED is more likely to be sympathetic towards someone else with an ED (like compulsive overeating) so I'm surprised. I have BED and the person who was most helpful to me in seeking help was a recovering anorectic.

Love this, totally agree

obesity costs the tax payer money - like people who smoke and drink too much.

Except tax on cigarettes far outweighs the associated healthcare costs.

Tobacco tax revenues are about £12bn and NHS treatment costs are estimated to be about £3bn with some data suggesting £3-£6bn.

Apparently, it sometimes costs the NHS less if somebody dies earlier from smoking related diseases than if they lived another 10-15 years and needed loads of other treatments.

Did you manage to speak to her? I’m going to gently push the message others have given re potential dementia. This was the first thing in my grandmother - racist comments though. Out of nowhere. Could not be further from who she was. And it got progressively slowly worse.

Sorry I voted the wrong option AGAIN! You’re Not being unreasonable xxx

Just change your vote.

I have - my previous vote will remain in the percentage

No, you only have one vote (per Mumsnet account) and, if you change it, the tallies and percentages change.

Agree with this. My Sil (no longer see her) used to make terrible comments about larger people, yet had an eating disorder.

I don’t use mums net much so I am not up to date with all the runnings.
but thanks 😊

I'm a size 10 but she is scum

If she wasn't like this previously and is usually a nice person this could definitely be the onset of dementia!

Thx for sharing this article. It was very interesting reading, as was the comment section.

I'd respond with "You think that woman is lazy or greedy? Noooo. She's probably larger just because she has many happy family get-togethers. You know, like baby showers and holiday parties"
It's possible some women are just overweight because they're around happy family food events. And yes, friend has an ED and she's projecting.

She's not lovely then. She's mean and a bully and a cruel.

I would tell her what I think of her behaviour and ditch this one and invest in people who share my values and treat others around them with respect. I'd be worried people would think I share her views by association. And I'd worry that I couldn't trust her to badmouth me if she's that nasty about/to others. And I'm not friends with people like that.

If she eats only salads and yoghurt she has a problem with food (eating disorder)

How old is she? Maybe this cruelty is the start of some form of dementia? If it's completely out of character it might be a brain issue of some sort

Even without dementia, the frontal lobe shrinks with age, which is why elderly people have reputation for saying awkward and rude things - they have less desire and ability to hold back.

I am a lifelong slim person, like your friend. It's a possibility she has a lifetime of resentment from negative comments from overweight people, accusing her of starving herself, telling her to eat, insulting her appearance, or whatever.

For whatever reason, she thinks fat people deserve to be insulted because of her belief they are lazy and greedy.

There is no use telling her that being fat is not their fault, she'll never believe it. It's a simple and uncomfortable fact that obesity is caused by over-eating. So in her mind, she's factually correct, so trying to inspire empathy for her victims by talking about their lives and experiences will just sound like ridiculous nonsense to her.

However, other people's bodies are absolutely none of her business, and insulting appearances is never, ever acceptable. I think it would be more productive to complain about her generally involving herself in and insulting other people's bodies and appearance, than specifically complaining that she does it to fat people.

Already I can see comments on here that this woman has an eating disorder. She's probably been dealing with insulting armchair diagnosing for decades. I have dealt with such comments my whole life.

Also don't ditch your friend. Typical mumsnet extremism.

Another idea is to gently apologise to people on her behalf whenever she does it, maybe your friend will get the message that it's atrociously bad behaviour.

That's how she's become worse, she says things now intending the person she's talking about actually hears it, hence me being so uncomfortable. It's painful to see someone physically flinch when they hear her say something cruel.

This is more than fatist, it’s calculating and cruel and completely negates any nice qualities she may have because it suggests she’s putting on an act at other times but she feels safe in revealing her true character to you becwuse you have her on a pedestel.

A half-hearted ‘stop that’ won’t work, glad you’re having a seriously conversation with her.

I think she actually does have an eating disorder.

As well as your description of her diet, the relentless focus on other people's bodies is something I recognise from experience with a person I know who has bulimia.

I'm afraid to say that this was one of the first signs of Dementia with my Mum. She became fixated with anyone carrying any extra pounds, and often commented loudly.

Hi OP, this sounds like a really hard situation for you to be in. I work with people with dementia. Bearing in mind her age and that this isn't her usual personality, becoming more disinhibited (losing that filter) and not feeling able to drive anymore would definitely prick my ears up and could fit with dementia. If this is the cause then sadly addressing her hurtful behaviour with her is unlikely to have any impact.

However... It there could be multiple other things too. As some pp have said, it's also common for people to drop some of that filter with natural aging either due to natural frontal lobe atrophy or having a different philosophy with age ie "life's short so might as well say it as it is". And some also choose to stop driving for other reasons than cognitive impairment (such as my husband's nana who is cognitively bright as a button at 92 years old but hasn't driven for 20 years).

Maybe healthy eating patterns are something she struggles with herself and has led to her becoming very preoccupied and judgemental about it in others.

Or maybe she just truly doesn't like seeing overweight people and has a cruel streak.

All you can do is gently raise it with her and ultimately decide whether you want to continue to have a friendship with her if this behaviour continues. It's ok to let that friendship go if that's what you want. X

@SusanBetty did you speak to her again?

I agree Alzheimer's crossed my mind.