"Fatist" Friend

[SusanBetty]

I have a friend I see every month for coffee. She's lovely, apart from one thing, she's very unkind and judgemental about anyone overweight.

I'd feel awful even repeating things she says, so I won't, but every time she says something I do call her out and say 'that's unkind/that's judgemental/I'd rather you didn't say that' but she's getting worse - this past year I've noticed she's almost venemous with her comments.

She's always been a lovely friend, but increasingly I'm uncomfortable. Any advice for what I can say? Or AIBU and it's none of my business what she thinks?

I'm not that slim so goodness knows what she secretly thinks about me!

So, her attitude to fat people is appalling but she has adult children who she has a good relationship with so not sure if she’s lived her life alone, and if she has it might be her preference but I don’t think that’s relevant either way.

It just irks me a bit when people are quick to conclude being single or alone is additional evidence of some kind of character deficiency when we know there are equally unpleasant people in lifelong relationships.

We all have our secret non-pc opinions, she’s just a bit more open with hers. Also it sounds like you like seeing her. I’d suggest ditch the cafe and take her to a Wetherspoons or a football match where she will find a large and welcoming crowd of sweary, rude chanting lads and lasses with whom she can finally be herself and shine. She’ll forever cherish you for it and may even leave you a large legacy of muller corners when she pops off (though let’s hope not for some time).

99.5% of people who are overweight are just eating too much. Before anyone says it DS and I both have that fat gene and we are very careful with what we eat. DS has lost 3 stone over the last 6 months by not eating crap and exercising.
It's unhealthy and obesity costs the tax payer money - like people who smoke and drink too much. So it's annoying, but so is going on about something constantly.

She may not be the fattest but she's definitely fatist!

If you are dead set on maintaining a friendship with this woman, who sounds awful, the next time she makes a hurtful comment loud enough for someone to hear, I’d tell her that her actions are making you embarrassed to associate with her in public and, if she does it again, that you’ll have to confine your catch ups to each other’s homes. Then follow through on that.

What does this have to do with the thread?

It would be interesting to know if she makes these comments when out with her adult children and in laws. Or her grandchildren if she has any. If she doesn't then she knows exactly what's she is doing and does have a filter.

Is it the OPs friend?

Well someone had to, can't have a thread about fatties without that reminder!

By the way if she only eats salad and yoghurt because she lives alone it's her that's bloody lazy.

We got so far without it though, it must be a record. How long now before someone says we've lost sight of what a healthy weight looks like though? Never mind it's not relevant to the OP, it's a thread about fatties so we have to have it!

I'm thinking cognitive issues

Hold on while I get my bingo card. I didn't realise we were playing. 😉

So you think her nasty comments are justified?

Yes it would be (interesting to see) - I only see her 1-1 unfortunately.

This thread isn't about being overweight, hence why I did not write any of the comments my friend said, but about my sadness in an otherwise enjoyable 20 year friendship.

I hadn't considered cognitive issues, this could explain it perhaps.

"she's the sort of hands-off, laid back and respectful MIL (only has kind words to say about her daughter in law and both son in laws) you'd wish for."

As long as you're not a fatty and don't dare become one at any point. I wonder if she says this shit to any grandchildren she has, and if they'll have such a "wonderful" relationship if she does.

Come on, OP. You know she's being a shit and you need to grow a spine and stand up to her. You are the company you keep, either directly by sharing their views or passively by being too cowardly to stand against them.

I wouldn't say everyone in her family is lean/thin, but she never comments on that- she is only very proud of them all.

It seems to only be strangers that trigger the comments.

I do pick her up on every comment, but now I think a more serious convo needed as a PP suggested.

I think her opinion is pretty common. If you haven't been overweight, it's easy to see it as a result of being greedy / lazy and think fat people are making excuses when they talk about other reasons.

What isn't normal is making nasty comments, especially in ear shot. That's not a nice thing to do:

Aged 77, I agree that she might be losing her filter. Or could be the start of dementia.

https://theconversation.com/do-we-really-lose-our-filter-as-we-age-176248

I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

However, if you intend staying friends, could you try saying "oh I think she looks great. I really admire people who are happy and confident in themselves"!

But this friend of OP's doesn't actually know the situation of the person she is commenting on when she does this. It could be someone with an ED. And it's not as if fat people don't already feel a huge amount of shame and self loathing and anxiety around other people.

sounds fun not.

Tell her to tell you some jokes, or some funny stories, why would you want to meet someone like that?

and just to add that figure is obviously not proven but even if we do accept 99% are eating too much there are multiple reasons why someone could be eating too much.

Let me list a few:

1. insomnia - this leads to daytime cravings and increased hunger
2. medication for depression - some make you very hungry.
3. childhood or adult trauma - many who have experienced this have disordered eating as adults which can lead to bouncing between excessive restrictive eating and binge eating and weight gain.
4. stress at work, grief, money worries, loneliness following family estrangement, divorce, bereavement etc.

I think someone else said it’s laziness - I know a lot of overweight nurses who are on their feet for long shifts 4-5 times a week. They’re not lazy but they are stressed out and too tired to cook sometimes.

The point is that fat person you are making digs at and making feel even more bad because they are “obviously over eating” is likely to over eat more as a result of poisonous comments. You’re not helping them and it’s not showing compassion!

OK tell your friend that opinions are like arseholes. We all have them but we don't need to show them in public.

My MIL makes lots of comments and is extremely judgemental of people she considers fat. I should also point out that she also has disordered eating, is extremely thin, and at an age where osteoporosis could become an issue. If she had a fall she'd have no 'padding' and would surely break bones. Try as we might, we can't change her mindset so we shelter the grandchildren from her messed up eating, although the older ones are now noticing. She makes great food but barely eats any herself and it has gone on for years. Even FIL couldn't change it.

Comments like the ones your friend is making are often a reflection of something going on with them personally, in my opinion.