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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend a dear friend's funeral

91 replies

Mamabear04 · 20/07/2023 14:43

A really good friend was in an accident a couple of months ago and passed away at the beginning of this month. I've been grieving really since the accident happened as it was almost always going to have the inevitable conclusion (although I was praying for a miracle). I've just found out her funeral will be next week and it's a 4 hour drive away (no other transport options). I'm returning to work next week after maternity leave and so I don't feel I could take the day off as I'm required to teach a specific lesson. On top of that I would have to ask my DP to look after my toddler and baby (DH was also very good friends so we would go together) which I feel is a lot for them and my baby has never been left with them for more than a couple of hours. There's also a celebration of life service that I could attend where I live a few days later. I'm not sure what to do. Would it be awful to not go to her funeral? I'm in bits, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 20/07/2023 14:44

Go to the celebration of her life instead.

Hufflepods · 20/07/2023 14:46

It's up to you.
Personally I would go because funerals have always been important to me but they aren't to everyone.

Why do you think it is a lot to as your DH to mind his own baby and toddler for a few hours?

ClawedButler · 20/07/2023 14:48

Oh bless you, that's awful. I would agree that going to the celebration of life is much more viable.

If your friend were able to talk to you now, what do you think she'd advise?

ClawedButler · 20/07/2023 14:49

Oh I think OP meant her parents would be looking after the toddler and baby because her DH would be coming with her

Circumferences · 20/07/2023 14:54

It's tricky, and very very sad, but unfortunately I'd prioritize direct family funerals over friends funerals.
As sad as this is, if a direct family member had a funeral I'd stop the world to go but in this case it does sound difficult for you to go, so attend the other event instead with sympathy gifts.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Mamabear04 · 20/07/2023 14:54

Yes DH would come to the service and DP would look after the kids. I'm worried it would be a lot for them especially if the baby is upset because he sets our toddler off and then it's mayhem.

Funerals have always been important to me so I guess that's why I'm so stressed about it. I'm wondering if it would be a disservice (I can't think of the right word to use here). I've never been to a celebration of life before so not sure if that would be enough to show respects?

If I'm honest I don't think my friend would care. She was so easy going and would probably say to live life and not to focus on what's happened. Maybe the funeral would be more for me...

OP posts:
Sewingdufus · 20/07/2023 15:16

I suspect that they are having both a funeral and a celebration of life due to the distance between locations. I would attend the celebration of life as it sounds easier logically. Your friend sounds lovely, I think she would want to be remembered more than expect your presence at a particular service.

Mirabai · 20/07/2023 15:24

I didn’t go to the funeral of one of my best friends as it was far away and clashed with something very important that couldn’t be re-arranged or repeated. I knew my friend wouldn’t mind as neither of us really believe in rituals. The real send off is between you and her. I talked to her a lot in my head and said goodbye.

heckmuffin · 20/07/2023 15:34

You could say that funerals are for those left behind – to accept what has happen and grieve together with others.

I think it would be equally acceptable to attend the celebration of life. Do what you think you'll be glad you did.

NoSunNoSun · 20/07/2023 15:35

I’d go on my own and DH can look after the DC.

Hazelnuttella · 20/07/2023 15:39

If they are having a celebration of life event as well I’m assuming that’s because they understand that not everyone will be able to attend the funeral.

I think it would be okay to go to the celebration and not the funeral. It doesn’t sound like you can miss work, and that’s an acceptable reason.

theleafandnotthetree · 20/07/2023 15:39

If it weren't for the chance to attend the celebration of life, I would urge you to go, absolutely and regardless of difficulty. But I think in this instance, you are probably OK to just go to that which is closer to you. And I'm Irish so grew up in a culture where funerals are huge and fairly non negotiable in terms of expectations to attend. If you are in the UK I don't think anyone else would judge you if you are OK with your decision.

Ilikewinter · 20/07/2023 15:40

I think you need to be kind to yourself. To be honest, im not reglious and take no comfort from funerals, so for me I wouldnt feel any guilt about not going. BUT you are obviously struggling. It sounds like it would be difficult to go, if you did would you then be feeling constant panic about the kids?. I would miss the funeral but go to the celebration of life.

luckylavender · 20/07/2023 15:42

Hufflepods · 20/07/2023 14:46

It's up to you.
Personally I would go because funerals have always been important to me but they aren't to everyone.

Why do you think it is a lot to as your DH to mind his own baby and toddler for a few hours?

She said DP. Presumably parent. DH would go with her.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 20/07/2023 15:45

You've said you think you know what friend would say so just accept that, contact her family if you can and say that then go to celebration of life.

maximist · 20/07/2023 15:45

Is the funeral being live streamed? Could you manage an hour to watch it, rather than a full day with travel? If not, you could ask for a link to watch it later.

malificent7 · 20/07/2023 15:47

Do whatever you think will give you closure. A celebration of life sounds lovely.

morelippy · 20/07/2023 15:47

Your friend would probably say stay at home with your family, your job and don't give yourself any extra stress. I know I would.

ManateeFair · 20/07/2023 15:51

I'm so sorry about your friend.

Ultimately, funerals are really for the people still living, not for the person who has died, so I personally think that you don't need to go to the funeral if it would be difficult for you. Her family are probably very well aware that, if the funeral is a long way from where her friends lived, there will be people who can't make it and that's why there's the additional celebration of her life at a later date.

WildUnchartedWaters · 20/07/2023 15:52

I dont know why but it sounds like you dont want to go. Do you feel you cant face it?

I think you should go. The celebration of life near you is a red herring.

Childcare and a lesson is not a reason to miss a good friends funeral.

doitwithlove · 20/07/2023 15:54

Are the funeral organisers offering a zoom link or similar for you to watch the service online. If they are, I would go to the celebration of life.

Libraryloiterer · 20/07/2023 15:56

Your friend would want you to do whatever is best for your wellbeing, I'm sure.

Viviennemary · 20/07/2023 16:03

In view of the circumstances I think it would be fine just to attend the celebration of life service.

theleafandnotthetree · 20/07/2023 16:04

Libraryloiterer · 20/07/2023 15:56

Your friend would want you to do whatever is best for your wellbeing, I'm sure.

I'm not sure about this argument. Like, if everyone said this then no one might turn up which I'm sure no one would want that. Obviously amd most importantly, it would be dreadful for the family of the deceased. It's like the famous Yogi Berra quote 'Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours'. Ones individual well being is not always and every day the main consideration.

babyproblems · 20/07/2023 16:13

I don’t think you are obliged to go.. I personally find funerals a very negative experience and they don’t ‘help’ me grieve at all. I just find them very very sad and awkward- I always feel worse after. I know for some people they are really meaningful and important but I don’t share that sentiment. I think it’s a personal choice and no one should be expected to go x

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