To not attend a dear friend's funeral

[Mamabear04]

A really good friend was in an accident a couple of months ago and passed away at the beginning of this month. I've been grieving really since the accident happened as it was almost always going to have the inevitable conclusion (although I was praying for a miracle). I've just found out her funeral will be next week and it's a 4 hour drive away (no other transport options). I'm returning to work next week after maternity leave and so I don't feel I could take the day off as I'm required to teach a specific lesson. On top of that I would have to ask my DP to look after my toddler and baby (DH was also very good friends so we would go together) which I feel is a lot for them and my baby has never been left with them for more than a couple of hours. There's also a celebration of life service that I could attend where I live a few days later. I'm not sure what to do. Would it be awful to not go to her funeral? I'm in bits, I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss - how awful x

I hope this isn't controversial but the older I get the more I feel as if funerals are actually kind of horrible. I have never found a sense of closure, or particularly taken comfort from the services and it just seems to be a festival of pain and anguish and sadness.

So in your position I'd probably send a thoughtful card and attend the remembrance if you can but not worry about the funeral. They're for the living not for the deceased after all. You know the importance and significance of your friendship and hopefully your friend did too.

I say this understanding that everyone is different and you have said funerals are important but just to offer my perspective x

Sorry for your loss

Can the funeral be live streamed ?

As there is also a celebration of life , I would go to that instead as it's closer

Your friend would not want you stressing over this

Your friend might not care but how about their parents/siblings/partner etc? Is your absence likely to be noticed?

I assume the P in this case is parents not partner.

Can your DH represent you both?

Would your friend want you to be so conflicted?

It's crappy timing but I think if you can get to the celebration of life more easily then I'd do that. Unless you were very close to your friend's family as well and they need you there for them?

I'd go. You could always take the baby with you and your dh pop out with them if they cry?

Explain the situation to your work - they would understand.

Your friend might not have cared but a full church/crematorium would mean a lot to her family?

The rules for time off for funerals is pretty brutal. I think it's husband, children, parents, siblings - I recall a colleague really having to push for an Aunt!

I would speak to the family and tell them you have had your absence request denied by work, send flowers and then go to the more local service.

You're not letting her down, OP. I'm sure she knows how much you loved her.

I meant the rules for TEACHERS for funerals, OP. Sorry.

That's so sad about your friend.

Does she have family members who would take comfort from your presence at the funeral?

TBH though I can barely remember who was and who wasn't at my parents' funerals.

I had a similar situation some 25 years ago now. A friend passed in horrible circumstances, while we were at uni. Her family lived several hours away, I had never met them. The funeral was on my birthday, my then dp had bought tickets for an event, planned a weekend away etc. I felt awful for my other friends who travelled as I chose not to but went to the vigil held in the uni city. I know there were people who judged me for that decision, but I also know my friend was so excited about my plans as we had talked about it, and at the time we could not afford to change the tickets. Maybe I made the wrong call, but I was ok with it and haven’t ever regretted it. Her parents would not have known me even if I had attended tbh.
Only you know how this is likely to be viewed by an employer and how you will feel leaving the kids - I didn’t have those issues, but more to say, sometimes we have to make these choices and either option is ok.
I hope you find peace op x

Personally. I’d go to the celebration. If you want to mark the day of the funeral, perhaps you could take a few moments out of your day, and do something that is meaningful to you.

That could be lighting a candle in a church, climbing a hill and have a glass of something at the top, watch a certain tv program you both enjoyed, have Chinese takeaway if that was her favourite food - anything that works for you.

And you could always send a message to her family on the day of the funeral, or flowers (but appreciate many don’t like too many flowers at funerals) if you feel that is appropriate.

If there was no celebration, I would say go to the funeral, but I’m sure her family would understand due to the distance.

My mum died in March. She had friends all over the country, and obviously we invited them all to the funeral - but we absolutely understood that a significant number wouldn’t be able to make it - some lived too far away, some were either too elderly or too infirm to make the journey, and some were busy because it was a week day.

I am sure your friend’s family will understand if you can’t make it to the funeral, @Mamabear04. To be honest, the day went past in a bit of a blur, and I didn’t have much time to talk to people, and I got as much, maybe more, comfort from the lovely things people wrote in the cards they sent us.

This is also what I would do.

If it is a dear friend you should absolutely go.

I didn’t go to the funeral of one of my best friends as it was far away and clashed with something very important that couldn’t be re-arranged or repeated. I knew my friend wouldn’t mind as neither of us really believe in rituals. The real send off is between you and her. I talked to her a lot in my head and said goodbye.

I did something similar in similar circumstances. A very kind mutual friend made it a little bit easier for me by saying that it really would have been a long way to travel, probably too long. So I think maybe give yourself permission to say it's too far. Do something else so you can feel you've said goodbye in some form.

I’m so sorry for your loss! Your friend sounds wonderful and I am sure she would hate that you are stressing yourself out about it all. Do what suits you best, she would want that! Sending love

@babyproblems

yeah it’s not really about you and making you feel
better though is it?
it’s about honouring the deceased and paying respect to them

Why can’t you go to the funeral and DH and you both go to the life celebration event locally? That way you can still attend rather than both missing the funeral.

I'd turn up for my friends funeral. It might mean a lot to her parents and partner to see she had a good turn out.

Due to covid, my husband died and there was no funeral. He was cremated, alone, and his ashes returned to me. I know that he would not have thought any lesser of me. The family gathered to scatter the ashes, with no spoken words, but all our own deep, deep thoughts. My family all now know that this is what I also wish to happen.. I hope you find some peace. Guilt is also a stage of grief. xxx

I agree. This is a very selfish view.

Op- it sounds like a you are a teacher? It’s by no means a given that your request for leave would be approved anyway/ our school has very stringent criteria for funeral leave. It’s rubbish but perhaps you are worrying about something that is beyond your control/ ability to do anyway? Xx

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I think the only viable option for you is to attend the Celebration of Life ceremony.@PeppermintTea2021 I totally agree with your perspective on funerals. I feel exactly the same way as you do.

It’s a tough call and I understand why you’re conflicted. Work or childcare may make the decision for you.

My view is that funerals are for the living. Often close relatives take great comfort from a “good” turnout. When I lost a close friend during covid, not all being able to come together to grieve and remember was so hard. You may be able to do that at the Celebration of Life.