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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend a dear friend's funeral

91 replies

Mamabear04 · 20/07/2023 14:43

A really good friend was in an accident a couple of months ago and passed away at the beginning of this month. I've been grieving really since the accident happened as it was almost always going to have the inevitable conclusion (although I was praying for a miracle). I've just found out her funeral will be next week and it's a 4 hour drive away (no other transport options). I'm returning to work next week after maternity leave and so I don't feel I could take the day off as I'm required to teach a specific lesson. On top of that I would have to ask my DP to look after my toddler and baby (DH was also very good friends so we would go together) which I feel is a lot for them and my baby has never been left with them for more than a couple of hours. There's also a celebration of life service that I could attend where I live a few days later. I'm not sure what to do. Would it be awful to not go to her funeral? I'm in bits, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 20/07/2023 17:09

OP,

Your situation is genuinely complex. I think attending the celebration of life is fine, if not ideal.

Bit I am shocked by PPs who bow out of funerals because they don’t feel good. We don’t attend funerals to feel good. We attend them to honour the dead and support the living. You aren’t more sensitive than the rest of us

I love the Yogi Berra quotation.

calyxx · 20/07/2023 17:11

What about her family? It can make a difference to them for you to be there.

Blackcountryexile · 20/07/2023 17:13

I think the distance and your family and work circumstances are good reasons not to attend the funeral but to go to the Celebration of Life instead.
I would send a condolence card or short note as you wish and make a charitable donation or send flowers as requested by those closest to your friend.
I think the suggestion of doing something meaningful and comforting on the day of the funeral for you to say goodbye to your friend is a very good one.
Please accept my condolences. Your concern is a measure of how much your friend means to you.

theresnolimits · 20/07/2023 17:16

I would write a personal message to her family explaining how much your friend meant, recalling her best qualities and detail why you can’t attend and that you will be at the Celebration of Life.

I’m sure they will understand as would your friend. If you were a good friend to her in life you have nothing to feel guilty about.

runningonberocca · 20/07/2023 17:19

theleafandnotthetree · 20/07/2023 16:04

I'm not sure about this argument. Like, if everyone said this then no one might turn up which I'm sure no one would want that. Obviously amd most importantly, it would be dreadful for the family of the deceased. It's like the famous Yogi Berra quote 'Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours'. Ones individual well being is not always and every day the main consideration.

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I agree with this. I’d be gutted if I thought that a long-standing good friend of mine wouldn’t attend my funeral for the sake of an annual leave day and a babysitter.
it’s different if you really feel unable to go due to the impact on your mental health - that’s a very valid reason to not go.
But otherwise I’d do anything I could to be there - it’s not just for the sake of those grieving . It’s a mark of respect for her life and what that meant to you

NotSorry · 20/07/2023 17:21

I went to a celebration of life service last year. The funeral was in the morning for very close family and in the afternoon everyone else went to the celebration of life service, it was lovely. I’d do that OP

LunaLula83 · 20/07/2023 17:27

Funerals are for the living (which is why I think Bowie was selfish for stating that no friends or family or wife should attend his funeral)

There are other ways to have closure find tour and make peace with it.

stayathomer · 20/07/2023 17:29

I once missed a funeral for a smilier reason. When I told my boss later she was horrified and said the most important thing is that if you feel you'll regret not going, you HAVE to go.It's literally a life or death thing because it affects your mh x The people there will understand you not going, it's literally if you feel you'll get something from it. (If you won't you just visit the grave or whatever you feel you need to do afterwards.) Hugs op x

Threeboysadogandacat · 20/07/2023 17:33

I’m fairly sure I know the funeral you are speaking of @Mamabear04. I think it would be fine to attend the celebration of life instead of the funeral. If it is who I’m thinking of then I expect the funeral will be very well attended locally and that the celebration of life is being held to encompass the many friends who won’t be able to travel.

Dss died recently. His half brother, my son, was starting a new job the day of the funeral. He didn’t go and two close relatives abroad didn’t travel but watched the live stream. We were all fine with that. Dh and I are having direct cremations to avoid the need for a funeral. Less hassle for everyone.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 20/07/2023 17:38

Sorry for the loss of your friend.

It's 8 hours (assuming return journey), with a new baby, on the work you return from maternity paternity leave. That's a lot to juggle even if you are granted the day off. It's completely understable why you can't make it.

I strongly suspect that the Celebration of Life ceremony has been organised as your friend had connections with both areas and her family wanted the second option available for those who can't travel.

I think it's completely reasonable not to attend given you will be attending the COL ceremony. However, only you know if you will be happy with that or regret not going to the funeral too.

You can honour and respect your friend in so many other ways too. The funeral is only a small part of grief and bereavement.

Luxell934 · 20/07/2023 17:49

Sorry about your friend OP

I think if you'd rather not go due to work, distance and childcare then just don't go. Just go to the celebration of life. You have grieved for your friend in your own way.

But I would personally want to go. Work, distance or childcare wouldn't be a big enough reason not to go and pay your respects to her family if she was a very good friend.

diddl · 20/07/2023 17:50

How do you feel about not going?

When I thought that I wouldn't be able to attend a fiend's funeral I burst into tears as I was so upset at the thought of not being able to do this last thing for them.

daisychain01 · 20/07/2023 17:52

Don't give yourself a moment's unhappiness about this, especially with all your family logistics to worry about.

cut yourself some slack, reclaim your peace of mind, and definitely don't feel you need to justify the reason to yourself or others.

sounds like there's no pressure of expectation from anyone which is very helpful, so grieve and remember in your own way.

38andtrying · 20/07/2023 17:55

I think you should go, its a one off event and something you should make every effort to attend, worth all the inconveniences for one day to do the right thing.

secular39 · 20/07/2023 17:56

This is only for one day. Your final chance to say goodbye to her. All your above reasons are excuses. No way would I miss a very good friend's funeral.

1983Louise · 20/07/2023 18:01

I wouldn't go, your friend knew you loved her, which is what life is really all about. I'd light a candle for her on the day of the funeral and remember all the good times you had together 😊

EmmaPaella · 20/07/2023 18:02

I would probably not go in your situation. A relative of mine died young and while most of his friends were there, some weren’t and I am sure they had good reasons as they were good friends.

Arabels · 20/07/2023 18:17

I think if I was close to the community or family of that friend, I’d go regardless. There’s something so important about that collective experience that has really helped me grieve in the past. I’d take the baby with me.

Spanielsarepainless · 20/07/2023 18:17

I have missed close family funerals from being a five hour drive away. I really couldn't justify it for half an hour. It's horrible to have to make these decisions but sometimes it's a fact of life, unfortunately.

babyproblems · 20/07/2023 18:27

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 16:57

@babyproblems

yeah it’s not really about you and making you feel
better though is it?
it’s about honouring the deceased and paying respect to them

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@LuckySantangelo35 See I’m not sure about that… I am not religious and don’t believe in any kind of post life. I think funerals are to help those who are left as an act of closure; I don’t see the point in respect as a notion when someone has passed. I think the time for that is during life, and I do still think you can pay your respects to your friend or relation in your own way, grief is different for everyone and to me it’s about the relationship you shared with the person and I think it’s ok to honour that however you feel is best. A friend of mine passed away last year and I didn’t go to her funeral, but I did plant a tree where we used to walk our dogs together. I just felt horrible at the thought of going to her funeral. It might be doing something specially for them or remembering them however you like, I don’t think you have to do it at a funeral. x

CapEBarra · 20/07/2023 18:30

I’d go. I’d want to grieve with her family and friends, and I’d want to show them my support.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 18:35

babyproblems · 20/07/2023 18:27

@LuckySantangelo35 See I’m not sure about that… I am not religious and don’t believe in any kind of post life. I think funerals are to help those who are left as an act of closure; I don’t see the point in respect as a notion when someone has passed. I think the time for that is during life, and I do still think you can pay your respects to your friend or relation in your own way, grief is different for everyone and to me it’s about the relationship you shared with the person and I think it’s ok to honour that however you feel is best. A friend of mine passed away last year and I didn’t go to her funeral, but I did plant a tree where we used to walk our dogs together. I just felt horrible at the thought of going to her funeral. It might be doing something specially for them or remembering them however you like, I don’t think you have to do it at a funeral. x

Show quote history

@babyproblems

what if everyone took that attitude though?! There would be no one there !
they are not really supposed to be enjoyable

ididntwanttodoit · 20/07/2023 18:36

I'm sorry for your loss. You shouldn't feel you have to go to the funeral - you have other, more urgent, things pressing. Go to the celebration of life instead.

Emmamoo89 · 20/07/2023 18:47

So sorry for your loss x

IveHadItUpToHere · 20/07/2023 18:47

Like a PP, I think you don't want to go the funeral so are piling up 'reasons'. It's perfectly fine not to go if you can't face it. You just need to be sure it's not something you'll regret. If you'll be happy with attending the celebration of life, then do that.
No-one here can really advise because funerals and grieving are so individual. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers