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Original poster

To not attend a dear friend's funeral

91 replies

Mamabear04 · 20/07/2023 14:43

A really good friend was in an accident a couple of months ago and passed away at the beginning of this month. I've been grieving really since the accident happened as it was almost always going to have the inevitable conclusion (although I was praying for a miracle). I've just found out her funeral will be next week and it's a 4 hour drive away (no other transport options). I'm returning to work next week after maternity leave and so I don't feel I could take the day off as I'm required to teach a specific lesson. On top of that I would have to ask my DP to look after my toddler and baby (DH was also very good friends so we would go together) which I feel is a lot for them and my baby has never been left with them for more than a couple of hours. There's also a celebration of life service that I could attend where I live a few days later. I'm not sure what to do. Would it be awful to not go to her funeral? I'm in bits, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 20/07/2023 18:49

what if everyone took that attitude though?! There would be no one there !

But not everyone will take that attitude though, will they? Some funerals I've managed to go to, others I haven't. It depends on a host of individual circumstances. I couldn't go to my PhD supervisor's funeral because it would have cost hundreds of pounds to get there and I didn't have the money. Hundreds of people did go, because their situations were different.

I think it's OK to acknowledge that people will vary in what they can do and how they respond to a death. There won't be a blanket response.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 18:56

WisherWood · 20/07/2023 18:49

what if everyone took that attitude though?! There would be no one there !

But not everyone will take that attitude though, will they? Some funerals I've managed to go to, others I haven't. It depends on a host of individual circumstances. I couldn't go to my PhD supervisor's funeral because it would have cost hundreds of pounds to get there and I didn't have the money. Hundreds of people did go, because their situations were different.

I think it's OK to acknowledge that people will vary in what they can do and how they respond to a death. There won't be a blanket response.

@WisherWood

yours was a totally different situation than not going cos it will make you feel sad!

babyproblems · 20/07/2023 18:59

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 18:35

@babyproblems

what if everyone took that attitude though?! There would be no one there !
they are not really supposed to be enjoyable

Show quote history

But for some people they are sacred and meaningful so those people would attend! Like on this thread there’s many saying I would go and many saying they wouldn’t.. it’s just a personal choice and either is fine imo x

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 18:59

Does she have family you could write a letter to explaining?

Allthings · 20/07/2023 19:31

Given your circumstances it wouldn’t look awful not to attend the funeral. Due to the location of the celebration of life service, it sounds like it has already been anticipated that travel may be an issue.

If it is purely the childcare that is preventing you from going and your parents are happy enough to have them, leave your little ones with them. They will muddle through having them for a longer period of time than usual. As an alternative is there anyone else or nursery who could have one or both of them for a period of time, so care is shared and your DP don’t have them for so long.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/07/2023 19:44

I would not skip the funeral of a really good friend. I know things are different in England and it might be that the family aren't even inspecting friends at the funeral, but for me it would be important.

fruitypancake · 20/07/2023 19:51

Realistically are you going to cope at work knowing that the funeral is happening . Go to the funeral, your DP will manage , work will understand x

WTF475878237NC · 20/07/2023 19:56

I took my ebf baby to two funerals not sure the issue there. Your parents can cope with a toddler if they've had toddler and baby before. But the real issue is you can't get the time off work it seems so it's ok to just go to the celebration of life.

verabarbleen · 20/07/2023 20:05

I'm sorry for your loss how awful . I haven't read every reply but could you, dh and both children go? Maybe one wait outside with the children at the service?

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 20/07/2023 20:31

I haven't read every reply but could you, dh and both children go?

It's a four hour drive. So there and back eight hours in a car in one day. Not the best thing for a baby and toddler. And the overall journey time will be longer, due to more frequent or longer stops to sort out the children.

Threenow · 20/07/2023 21:15

I am sorry to hear about your friend Flowers

If I were in your position I would go to the celebration of life service, with no feelings of guilt.

blackpear · 20/07/2023 21:18

What would your friend think? I missed the funeral of my mentor, whom I loved as much as anyone really; I’ve thought of her every day for 44 years. I knew she would think my work with students that day was where she would expect me to be and I donated the money I’d have spent on travel to her favourite charity. There are lots of different ways of honouring someone.
I am so sorry for your loss.

LlynTegid · 20/07/2023 21:19

In your shoes I would go to the celebration of life service, and let the friend know now.

asleeponthetable · 20/07/2023 21:23

Could they be streaming it? It’s very common these days - I have been able to watch two virtually this year due to distance making it difficult to attend in person.

WisherWood · 20/07/2023 21:27

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/07/2023 18:56

@WisherWood

yours was a totally different situation than not going cos it will make you feel sad!

Show quote history

But that's my point - people's reactions to funerals will be different. Some people would see my practical reasons as just an excuse. Maybe I should have lost work by taking leave. Maybe I should have run up hundreds in credit card debt to go. I didn't think that was a good idea.

And funerals will evoke different emotional responses. I don't like religious funerals. It doesn't stop me going, but I don't like them. I don't believe in a god. Others may take great comfort in the idea that they will see someone in heaven, or that a relative is with the angels. Both of these things are OK, but they do illustrate that the emotional experience, and consequent difficulties in going or not going, will be different.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2023 10:07

poetryandwine · 20/07/2023 17:09

OP,

Your situation is genuinely complex. I think attending the celebration of life is fine, if not ideal.

Bit I am shocked by PPs who bow out of funerals because they don’t feel good. We don’t attend funerals to feel good. We attend them to honour the dead and support the living. You aren’t more sensitive than the rest of us

I love the Yogi Berra quotation.

I think those people might be atheists so they're sure the deceased person can't see who is at their funeral. I'm not sure so for me it is important to attend funerals. I think it's also important for OURSELVES as a way to grieve. I've missed quite a few funerals due to being abroad and regretted a lot of that.
OP can consider whether going to the funeral might help her, but in this case there is also the celebration of life, which might be a good alternative.

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