AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

@MrsDooDaa I think that’s very true and answers the question of why women go part-time after having children; I don’t think it’s as simple as “to spend time with the children” as pp have suggested, like that’s the choice being made. It’s much more likely, to me, to be about burnout and mental/physical health and women who are taking on more of that mental load being unable to maintain the pace of full time as well as the demands of home.

For me, though, anecdatally, I personally don’t frame it as impacting my work performance – I’m shit hot! My reviews say so! I can maintain the work pace, and do the home stuff, but the impact is my personal time/happiness/health/sense of self because once work and the house/kids are sorted, I don’t have the energy or capacity left for me. And I think that might be true for lots of women: how many threads on here are about DHs who carry on their fulfilling (and outing; it’s cycling) hobby 3-4 times a week, or for whole weekend days. I wouldn’t have the energy to do a hobby 3-4 times a week!

@bussteward

I think that's an excellent point. I am a sahm, 3dc, toddler twins and an elder disabled child, and I have huge mental load. However, I don't complain about it, it's just a factual statement that I have it.

My issue is indeed the same as you. Once I've done what I need to do, there is no time left for me. And I'm no victim, I'm by no means pretending my life is awful drudgery then bed. I enjoy organising, I get great fulfilment from knowing my family admin is sorted. Just that I physically can't fit in any time for a hobby, because I would have to neglect something else, and it would be playing constant catch up even more than I am now.

When we decided to have children, I desperately wanted to stay at home. I've a career but it meant nothing, relative to my desire to spend every day with them. I loved every minute of it.

This invariably meant that I did all of the kids planning but my OH still managed all of the other administrative aspects of the house, like bills, insurance, the cars, home maintenance etc etc. It was divided up as best as we could, given the circumstances and who was best placed to do what. The work isn't invisible but some men sure as hell make out like it is.

We effectively had a 'traditional' set up and whilst it's evident that people bemoan men, one aspect I never quite appreciated was the sheer stress of him being the financial rock of our family for the entire time I stayed at home. He was happy for me to do what I wanted and accepted this meant shouldering the responsibility of keeping us all afloat. He didn't initially earn much money and we were piss poor but over the years he worked his socks off and fought for every promotion he could to bring in more money, all whilst helping with night time feeds, doing bedtime routines, housework where possible and doing stuff at weekends so I could have a few days to myself. Yes, parenting his own kids and organising their weekend schedules but sounds like a rarity on here.

The point I'm trying to make is that we can sometimes overlook the burden each party has when we jointly make family decisions. He's never outwardly moaned or admitted but he's been close to mental breakdown when trying to figure out our finances and how the next pay rise might alleviate some area of our lives that needs it most. Or the threat of redundancy. It's a burden I've been shielded from entirely. We now have a pretty good lifestyle due to his drive to constantly improve. Something I've helped facilitate but the progress has been on him. Obviously now I'm back full time, we share that responsibility but we now share everything else, now the kids are adults.

I've noticed on Mumsnet that some people do like to wallow in misery / woe is me mentality.

For example, there was a woman who's son was choosing to soil himself at school, rather than use the toilets. He was apparently fully toilet trained at home. Various people made practical suggestions, such as trying to get the boy to move his bowel movements to the evening. That was immediately declared to be 'impossible', as were all the other suggestions.

I think 'mental load' is just an excuse to moan for some people, but a massive thing for others.

In our house, things are split fairly evenly. My wife refuses to drive because she doesn't like it and I get stuck with all lifts. I also do all the 'adulting' and my fault share of laundry, washing up, cooking, etc. I work full-time and my wife is still part-time due to young children. She obviously does the childcare while I'm working, but she's currently sleeping off a hangover and I've done swimming classes this morning and I'm now preparing the kids' lunch.

In contrast, a mum we know does absolutely everything. And I do mean everything. Her husband is out drinking after work most evenings. I expect she's a mum that would find her workload reduce if she was sans husband.

To summarise, I think you can hate the phrase, but it's very much real for some people - but it's also massively over egged by many.

From your updates it seems it's not the phrase "mental load" you object to as such, it's more that you're annoyed by other people finding something difficult or draining that you don't. If you personally don't relate to the concept of the mental load then that's fine, but you not personally being impacted by it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that no one else should be allowed to talk about it. Telling people to "wise up" and stop "whingeing", calling them "pathetic" and "irrational" just because they struggle with something you don't happen to struggle with seems a bit extreme.

PP had got the whole thread in a nutshell:

'person without much mental load/life admin/shit to do, doesn’t understand mental load/life admin/shit to do’

Why assume I haven't got much to do?

Because you don't think you've got much to do.

I just don't turn tasks into 100s by overthinking them

Don't you think she's got a good idea given her son wasn't born a young adult?

There's a lot of people suggesting she has no idea but I'm sure her son was young once upon a time and had some organising to do.

As others have said OP has misunderstood the term. It's not about the tasks, it's about the thinking work that makes the tasks happen eg remembering that it's time for jabs/dentist appt/new shoes/SIL's birthday present etc.. And it does sometimes lead to mental health issues because it can be overwhelming on top of all the normal bits of every day life like having a job.

Good for you.

But you're missing the point. This is how you've chosen to organise your lives as it works for you. Great. Some women are working either FT or 4 days (often by necessity not choice as they need two incomes to meet basic outgoings) and still doing all the domestic thinking and task work you're doing, while their partners only have to think about their paid job.

This is when the mental load becomes a massive emotional and physical toll. And this is v v common.

Not missing the point at all.

The discussion's been round the block and went onto male/female abilities and all sorts. I'm just highlighting another aspect that never receives any consideration by women (or it is and just isn't spoken of on MN).

Yes I'm well aware of the emotional toll. I just have no time for it.

What I'm getting from this thread is that a large number of women think women should put up and shut up regarding the second shift.

No wonder its 2023 and we still have a problem.

MrsDooDaa
Agreed, especially when mixed with the fairly stupid suggestions like "just don't do it" as if any responsible parent is going to allow their children to wallow in filth, be unhygienic, not have required medical/dental appointments, have disgusting clothes, not have opportunities at school etc just because the adults were busy point scoring.

Can you imagine a safeguarding meeting where a parent says "I understood we haven't adequately looked after our children, but what you have to understand is that my husband is a lazy fucker who doesn't do domestic responsibilities and I decided to take advice from Mumsnet and stop doing everything. Some strangers on the internet told me that if I just stopped martyring myself and stopped calling it mental load then I'd be magically free from the responsibility. It's not ideal that the children are grimy, stink, and haven't seen the dentist since we got booted off the NHS dental list for not attending, but I really needed to prove a point to my husband".

maybe I'd be less unpleasant and snarky if someone else knew when things needed washed and figured out what to make for dinner

well yea exactly , because being the one who is responsible for remembering/ planning/ organising everything is exhausting.
What is arguably even worse than being alone is having a partner who is supposedly doing his “fair share” but only if you remember to allocate tasks to him and instruct him on what needs to be done, and often how it needs to be done, otherwise he’d never think of doing it himself and it simply wouldn’t happen. That’s the mental load.

Yes, a whole one child.

I had one child once. I was as clueless to mental load as OP is now.

Mental load, whilst single, with one DC, virtually didn't even exist. That's why OP can't fathom it. She has never experienced it.

I mean, people have explained why so, about 50 times and she still can't understand. Just insists it's not a thing, because she thinks she's inherently doing the same. She's not.

Are you not reading the thread either? This has been explained multiple times.

To repeat my earlier post, I thought the same as OP when I was in OP's scenario. What a song and dance some people make.

Then I got married and now have 3dc. Now I have experienced what a mental load really is. It's not a myth. Or a song and dance.

OP isn't being an arse. She really can't understand what she does is so different.

As I said before, to put it into quantifiable terms, if my mental load now is 100%, my mental load as a single mum with one DC was 15%. It's that much of a difference.

One person's molehill is another person's mountain. Everyone is different and it's a bit patronising to suggest otherwise. There's still stuff to do, perhaps less but obviously depends on what your child does, their state of health etc. A one parent family with one special needs child, or child that requires constant care may well be more difficult than a larger family that doesn't do much.

Of course the continuous elephant in the room is that people need to be in more balanced relationships. Not carry on until breaking point.

being the one who is responsible for remembering/ planning/ organising everything is exhausting.
What is arguably even worse than being alone is having a partner who is supposedly doing his “fair share” but only if you remember to allocate tasks to him and instruct him on what needs to be done, and often how it needs to be done, otherwise he’d never think of doing it himself and it simply wouldn’t happen.
That’s the mental load.
This ^^

I don't feel like I have a high mental load because DH and I share it equitably most of the time, and times when one of us is low on reserves the other steps in.

Some things are my area and DH doesn't have to worry about those areas because I carry the load. I don't even think about some areas because he carries the load there. We're a team and that's how it should be.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that in a partnership things should be shared and the load on one partner is huge if they're always the default adult and have to organise another adult every day.

The exception doesn't make the rule.

My one DC had special needs. And my mental load was still far easier then.

We're talking about general situations, not finding reasons that don't apply to the standard situation and suggesting that makes the vast majority invalid.

There's a massive difference between a chore/task and mental load though. Mental load is psychological, it's you doing all the thinking and taking on all the responsibly. You are often the family Project Manager. Cook a meal.....task; menu plan, buy order the food oh and defrost those chicken breasts for tommorow's dinner...mental load.
Drive to the airport.. task, ensure the kids, you, OH have everything they need and let Mollys mum know they won't be at Brownies this week....ML....go to Argos to pick up order, task....plan, select, order cmas presents ML

Here's a naughty skit to demonstrate. It's funny coz it's true!

https://fb.watch/lXLIk1Vv1l/

Safe link to BBC

I think this demonstrate the difference between doing something, and mental load

https://twitter.com/BBCTwo/status/1174643133033963520?lang=en-GB

I'd suggest those interested in the gender pay gap read the book "The Authority Gap". There is actually a gender pay gap.

Transmen get paid like men do.

Transwomen get paid like women do.ed*

Big surprise to me!

Anyway the best way not be oppressed as a woman is earn your own money then you can tell a deadbeat partner to bog off. Yet so many think they are being virtuous for giving it all up for the kids. No, if you are in your 30s and having your first child, do not give up work.

The fact so many women seem to manage adequately without domestic help if any kind while many men can’t seem to take their eye off their careers for a couple of minutes a day leaves me to conclude that one of two things are true. Either women are biologically far more capable than men on many levels or men invent the need for all this “facilitation” because they are lazy and entitled

I suspect both can be true.