AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

1. As you've stated here, there are multiple tasks that have to be done when parenting. Every task requires time, even if that is only 5 minutes.
2. As you've recognised here, other people's circumstances are different to yours which may make their lives harder - multiple children, younger children, SEN needs, disabilities, more demanding job, living on the breadline - the list as to how other people's lives and stresses differ to yours is endless.
3. You work full time (let's assume 40 hours per week with an hour commute a day) and have one teenage child (let's assume they require your undivided attention 2 hours a day). Thats 35% of your week taken up with employment and parenting. So you have 65% of your time to spend on those multiple tasks as well as whatever else you choose to fill your time with.
4. As you've accepted, other people have different circumstances. It is not uncommon for parents to drop their children at childcare to go to work to then pick their children up and repeat. So they are spending 100% of their time on employment and parenting. So even a 5 minute job becomes difficult to fit in. And as you have mentioned, it's not just one 5 minute task, it's many.
5. Before you say you can parent/work and do tasks, remember point 2 - maybe you can but the term 'mental load' was not created specifically for you and your circumstances.

Ok sorry to derail but how do you do it? How do you manage 4 kids with two in high level sport? Isn't it a logistical nightmare getting them to their practices? I say this as someone with 3 kids who wants a 4th, but can't cope with life admin shit already.
Sorry as you were...

It's not shouting down anyone with a different experience, it's trying to explain it to someone who hasn't had the experience, and keeps insisting "it really can't be that different" , that it really really is. Huge difference.

I was a single mum to one. With the same views as the OP. Quite smug, and "you're just doing what I do, stop making such a song and dance". Now, having experienced an alternative, I realise that the mental load in that situation, is almost zero. People in that situation don't want to hear that. They like to think they're doing the same, but they're not a martyr, dontchakno.

To be more objective, if my mental load now, as a mother of 3 and wife, is running at 100%, the comparable percentage to when I was a single mum of one, would be a mental load of around 15%.

So it's very easy to have never experienced anything other than the 15% and genuinely think, FFS what a bunch of whining martyrs, "it's just called life". The two really are not comparable by a huge margin.

It’s an absolute logistical nightmare…..I’m allowed to admit that because it’s not the mental load, right! At this stage, one of my 4 is still a preschooler, so they don’t have their own activities. No idea how it will be managed once they do! We don’t have family around, but I’ve struck up a lot of good relationships with the families of their friends/sports mates. It’s not unusual for at least 1 of them to be hitching a ride with a friend, or waiting around with a book at their activity until we arrive. Fortunately where the train has this as a safe option, unlike an oval or something!

It’s fine that you don’t get it, and it’s fine that you don’t like or get annoyed at the phrase mental load.

What is not fine though is your complete disregard, your mocking and lack of empathy for the many posters who have told you that it is an issue for them and that they do indeed have a tough mental load.

Why can’t you just accept that people cope differently instead of time and time again making out they are weak and belittling them because it is a big deal TO THEM!

you are so ignorant

It's frustrating that several posters are so quick to poo-poo it as not a thing or whinging about nothing ...or "just doing adult life" ....when it's not something a few MN are making up. Google it. There are lots of articles, reports, books on it.

Is the pay gap between men and women made-up shit as well ....or women doing more whinging...?

I think it's a good way to describe it. It's not chores it's more about organising EVERYTHING! This morning I had to remember 21 things to take on the school run. Money for this, that and the other, teacher gifts and cards, PE kits, packed lunches, homework, signed forms etc etc etc. Other things I had to organise all before 9am include putting the 5 different types of bin out for the binmen, change the milk order, ring the drs to try to book a blood test for my son (booking line only open before 9.15am), take meat out of the freezer for tea... it just never ends!!!

I also think technology has made things more difficult for many parents. When my eldest was in the first year of primary school, you transferred money termly for school lunches and they would choose what they wanted each day when they got to the dinner hall. That changed the next year. Now you need to log into a system, transfer money, book specific meals for each DC for every day, and regular system errors mean this isn’t straightforward. And this is the same for many tasks. Before emails were a thing you’d get the odd letter about important things. Now emails are a thing the requests and information being thrown at you is constant!

Pretty much yes!

I can’t get past two loads of washing a week. 😂

“So, because I too am a woman with ADHD in my 30s who isn't getting all wound up by mental loads…”

…You previously said your DC is in full-time employment. If you were only 14 when you had him it’s no wonder you didn’t have to shoulder the mental load, because your parents or social services would’ve had that role.

🤔

This thread is starting to have goady bull-shit all over it now. Can’t be arsed any longer. Bye OP. Good luck with your two loads of washing for your adult son, and your weird demeanour. 👋

I’ll just point out as a psychologist that we use the term ‘cognitive load’. It is a thing. I find it odd that you can’t understand or comprehend the term OP. It’s the sheer amount of life admin, planning etc…required in modern life. You may wish to use a different term, but that doesn’t negate the meaning to those who use it.

YABU
This phrase finally encapsulated the difference in our roles as parents.
No other phrase could describe it. None

And by that token people reserve the right to dislike the term and stick to the OG verbs like life admin or planning.

I'm sure you're more qualified than anyone to appreciate the influx of psychobabble that has proliferated modern language. It's ok to find it annoying or to air one's disapproval.

Of course, being a psychologist requires you to categorise things. That's your bread and butter but us laypeople don't have to adopt these terms (although I appreciate the origins of mental load came from a comic).

I do the washing twice a week I don't do 2 loads.

Show me where I said he worked full time...

The gender pay gap isn't real... The wage disparity between men and women is caused by maternity leave/pay, women working less, women taking more time out of work for other things... A man and woman doing the same job, in the same place for the same number of hours would get paid the same, it's illegal otherwise

That's the second time you've said you're done... You might feel have to repeat things to your partner over and over but you don't gotta do that with me, just bugger off, don't even need to mention it. Your failure to properly read things and insane ability to just make stuff up make your posts kinda silly anyway. Toodle pip

Erm….. the gender pay gap has been statistically analysed and is a little more complex than you suggest.

While it may be illegal to pay a woman less than a man on an hourly basis for the same role, hours, qualifications etc, the gender pay gap refers to the disparity of overall earning and progression of women because they are currently disproportionately affected by the fact that child rearing and other caring responsibilities hinders them over the course of their working life.

Of course women can choose not to have children, but that does rather screw up society in general, as eventually we’ll just run out of people.

If you think about it, the current economic climate makes it nigh on impossible to avoid both parents working, preferably full time.

Quite often women pay a disproportionately high percentage of their earnings in childcare costs, so saving for their future is impacted.Of course the idea is that women keep working through the years when childcare is necessary in order to keep their place on the career ladder etc. In practise, outsourced child care can be hit and miss for a variety of reasons, and workplaces may only have so much patience when plugging the gap left by female employees to whom the majority of childcare falls.

Nothing in this thread is as black and white as you would like. Because humans and society are messy, complex creatures affected by culture, bias, and a dog eat dog capitalist society.

A gender pay gap, or if you prefer, disadvantage, does exist, whether you like it or not.

https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2019/apr/05/gender-pay-gap-figures-debunking-the-myths

This is an interesting article.

The supposed pay gap has been analyzed repeatedly and found to be non existent in people who put in the same time and effort.

There is a distinction between what one is PAID, and what one EARNS. One earns when one shows up to the job.

Obviously those who choose to take time out of the workforce for other lifestyle pursuits will EARN less. That's only fair.

But you have just given some of the reasons for the gender pay gap? That’s the point. Society makes many women take low paid, part-time jobs. It’s expected that some mothers will take time off to be sahms. Thus women end up with less money.

In many organisations, the people at the top are men. And the people in lower paid roles are women. Partly because of the reasons you mention.

That’s the gender pay gap. It’s not just about the hourly rate for men and women being different. As you say, that’s illegal. Like mental load, the gender pay gap is more complex than it first looks. Not everyone understands it.

It is explained here:
‘The gender pay gap is calculated as the difference between average hourly earnings (excluding overtime) of men and women as a proportion of men’s average hourly earnings (excluding overtime). It is a measure across all jobs in the UK, not of the difference in pay between men and women for doing the same job.’

https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/earningsandworkinghours/bulletins/genderpaygapintheuk/2022#gender-pay-gap-data

I would love to see some stats on this. Do you have a link ?

A gender pay gap, or if you prefer, disadvantage, does exist, whether you like it or not.

It exists, but the method of arriving at that statement is somewhat dubious. Extracting any kind of meaningful conclusion is so elusive that it renders it almost useless.