To want DH to understand the mental load

[Bongbingboo1]

Background
We have 4 kids. 3 are teenagers and 1 5 year old. Both work full time with me working from home.

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment and the plates are falling down and no longer spinning.

We moved house 6 months ago and I feel completely disorganised and the house is a mess as I haven't had the opportunity to actually organise anything.

Husband works long hours and he is away 2-3 nights a week. I do all the house admin/child admin etc. he literally works and then thinks about his own hobbies.

I am trying to get him to see that I am overwhelmed but he keeps saying I'm making choices. I gave him the example of DDs birthday next week and how it won't even occur to him to think about anything until I ask something of him. It's the end of term and there are a million things to think about for each day of school, again he said my choice. I get it's a choice to buy teachers a gift etc or arrange play dates and have birthday parties.

I said I need you to understand that they are not choices all the time and he responded by saying 'I call bull shit on your examples'.

I am talking myself down by thinking it will be easier in the holidays as I can ask the older kids to help out more and life will slow down a bit without the school run but it's not a solution to his attitude.

So my question is. Have you ever got you DH to see the mental load and take some of it on without the kids suffering/missing out etc? What works well in your homes to split the work?

I don’t want to go away. I don’t need a break from my family, I just want more of a partnership when it comes to day to day life. I’m hoping the summer will be a good opportunity to reset and get everyone on board for taking some ownership for our home and themselves. My Teens could do a lot more and i’m going to have a chat with them over the weekend.

Thank you for all your messages. I’ve reflected on them all.

It’s also given me a reality check. If I was a single mum with 50% custody of our children my life would be easier and his harder. That surely isn’t right so things definitely to change. He is like a stroppy teenager rather than my husband.

Hi OP, I wasn't suggesting you need a break from your family; a few days away would give your DH a taste of how it feels to be you.

Your DH is unlikely to change his ways unless he experiences what you do on a daily basis. The only way he would get that experience is if you weren't there, otherwise you will always be the default.

Drastic times and all that...

I spent 4 years asking/telling son's dad to sign up to any of the systems school uses for relaying messages to us. He didn't and I stopped relaying messages to him. He didn't pick son up twice after school because after school clubs were cancelled. School rang me, I said ring dad. The only slack I had to pick up when he left was putting the bins out and emptying the dishwasher. That was his sole contribution to our family. I got so much time back when he left.