To want DH to understand the mental load

[Bongbingboo1]

Background
We have 4 kids. 3 are teenagers and 1 5 year old. Both work full time with me working from home.

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment and the plates are falling down and no longer spinning.

We moved house 6 months ago and I feel completely disorganised and the house is a mess as I haven't had the opportunity to actually organise anything.

Husband works long hours and he is away 2-3 nights a week. I do all the house admin/child admin etc. he literally works and then thinks about his own hobbies.

I am trying to get him to see that I am overwhelmed but he keeps saying I'm making choices. I gave him the example of DDs birthday next week and how it won't even occur to him to think about anything until I ask something of him. It's the end of term and there are a million things to think about for each day of school, again he said my choice. I get it's a choice to buy teachers a gift etc or arrange play dates and have birthday parties.

I said I need you to understand that they are not choices all the time and he responded by saying 'I call bull shit on your examples'.

I am talking myself down by thinking it will be easier in the holidays as I can ask the older kids to help out more and life will slow down a bit without the school run but it's not a solution to his attitude.

So my question is. Have you ever got you DH to see the mental load and take some of it on without the kids suffering/missing out etc? What works well in your homes to split the work?

How women get decent men to listen won't help you.

I'm the default organiser in our family. I have always been a good project manager so I genuinely don't mind ringing around booking appointments or sourcing things we need or working my way though lists. He hates those kind of things so would rather clean out the sewer and launder every item of clothing in the house than listen to hold music for the dentist.

I am however listened to and the thing gets done when I want it done, willingly. And when too much stuff is piling up, it's very much a "lets all do a blitz for a couple of hours" from him, roping in DS and it helps a lot.

If he was calling bullshit on my mental load, I'd go through him for a shortcut though. And once or twice, I had to lose my shit, but now they both are very aware of all that I do, and are very grateful and helpful.

I mean honestly, this is n it do it for him territory. just message him and say I do not want to see you in this house again until this is done. This is basic healthcare for our pet and it is cruel and neglectful not to do that. If you are cruel and neglectful to animals I don’t think we want you here to be honest. Fix it. Send evidence before walking in this door again.

In fact try and do nothing for him which will not adversely affect the other family members in the home. So his laundry, definitely, if he has his own car/other vehicle tell him verbally and via email you will no longer be arranging insurance, etc for him, not buying clothes for him, packing for him etc. Small steps OP - I'm sure you can think of many more. Also, unsure how you feel about this, but having sex with him is also "a choice". 🌹

Yes, men can absolutely understand the mental load if they're not selfish jerks.

The "it's your choice" thing is an absolute red flag for me. I'd say it's a real sign of a misogynist. Basically, these men are straight up selfish: they define everything they want to do as necessary and all the social niceties that are important as optional. Because you are less irresponsible than they are, and see the importance of the latter, you end up shackled with the work while they are off having a joyous time playing golf or cycling or whatever other stupid thing they're invested in.

I was with a guy like this for years. The best thing I ever did was dump him. Not all men are like that. It isn't fair. It's unequal and wrong, and the sign of a man who just doesn't value you. LEAVE!

@Mischance well sure, except you say, Men often look on bewildered from the side-lines at the mass of activities/ parties/play dates etc. as these things might not occur to them as being necessary

OP's H hasn't even bothered to worry about the actual health of their dog. I think her problems go WAAAAAY further than whether or not 3 play dates a week is necessary vs 3 a year.

I'd tell him "I'm no longer doing your half of the childcare. I'm taking every Saturday to myself, you can sort the kids. I'm only doing half the school/childcare drop offs, you need to sort out how to manage your half. I'm doing my laundry only, sort your own. We can take turns doing the 5yos"

That sort of thing. He should be doing half of everything so all the extra you do is actually his work you are taking on.

And then men complain about lack of sex

Unsurprisingly, I don't feel like sleeping with the underling

Basic rule of thumb is would his life get easier or harder if you left him and he had 50% custody would his life get easier or harder?

If his gets harder and yours gets easier then he needs to do more to level things up or else why would you stay?

seriously u would be better off by yourself wirh someeone that actually a fk about u and what's important to u. he really sounds like a selfish person. yes u an be getting the kids to help out more now they are teens etc, but this doesn't tackle ur husbands refusal to see what he is doing to you. i would honestly rather be on my own than live with your hubby and i mean this kindly. u are meant to be in a partnership. he is taking the piss out of u and he's not even caring. i think u could
do with a wee week away, take the little one and go and chill someplace by urself and let him see exactly how much you do that he doesn't care about.

It doesn't sound to me like he'd sort the kids. He'd leave them to feed themselves, go to bed whenever they liked, not bath/shower etc. At BEST she might get him to stay in the house so that the 5 year old is supervised.

All this advice is well meaning, but a man who seems to think birthdays are "her choice" to celebrate is not someone who gives a rats ass about mental load.

My Husband was the same. He had no idea of the mental load but was always up for criticising how much (or little) I did in comparison to him in the house. He actually viewed him cleaning the toilets once a week as some kind of god sent activity that made my life easier when in fact he was the one who messed them up in the first place & I was cleaning them everyday

So one day I just stopped everything. I stopped cooking. I stopped reminding him of what we needed household shopping wise. I stopped taking the laundry out (because he only ever put it in), I stopped putting DC to bed. I let my period blood run, quite literally (I have heavy periods) and then didn’t clean up. He became overwhelmed but it wasn’t until I stopped doing the schoolrun that he realised — He forgot to pick up DD, she has SEN and was hysterical for days afterwards. Even now, years later, she insists on me picking her up.

After an epic showdown, we have split things more equally in that he does all the day to day housework and childcare & I do all the planning / coordination. No arguments now.

It's his attitude that is the problem. I do all the life admin, I do everything for the kids (in terms of thinking stuff like organising hobbies, parties, school stuff, bags packed etc) I also do all present/card buying, organising, holiday planning, meal planning, cooking etc. I'm just much better at it.

However.....DH does all clothes washing/sorting, washing dishes, sorts bins, does house/cars insurance etc He does at least 50% of physical care of the children including school runs/pick ups and anything else I ask him to do he does without question.

We're a team and do anything we can to make the other person's life easier but also happy to play to our strengths.

OH totally takes on the mental load, and it does make life so much easier.

He moved into my house and I had been a single parent for many years so used to doing it all alone but he did step up

Lots of things are shared ie we may discuss an outing or holiday and either one of us would book it.

Oh also works shifts so is frequently home in the week. If DS came home and something needed sorting for school OH would do it , if he needed new clothes uniform etc it would be ordered

These are things that should be shared, but how you go about changing someone who doesn't see a problem I don't know

Buy presents for your kids and say they are from you only and their Dad will be getting something from him.

Just say to him I'm not doing x anymore, I don't have time so you need to organise this. Tell your kids their dad is organising it. If school moan it's not done then tell them it was their Dad's responsibility, nothing to do with you.

When the kids start moaning at him like he's a disorganised idiot he might get the picture.

Whose choice was it to move?

Why isn't he helping to get the house in order?

Would he notice if you stopped everything that was for him?

Your DH is horrible to you and is acting like he has no children. Yes you’re making choices, but these are choices to be a good parent and partner. He’s choosing to opt out of being a father and to be a shit partner. So his point of “but you’re choosing to do x, y,z” is simply a deflection.

I couldn’t put up with his attitude or laziness when it comes to parenting and household work. I think it’s time to tell him straight to shape up or ship out. Don’t you leave, he would be the one leaving.

😅😂 hilarious.

HRTWT….and perhaps someone has shared this. My DH really got it.

Your DH is contemptuous of you and of domestic life. Mine did the same - would airily dismiss anything that didn’t fit into his world view (which conveniently allowed him to do what he wanted when he wanted with me running around to enable it). I had an affair, he found out and our marriage blew up and in the ashes (read: when he realised I was ready to leave him not for the affair partner but because I wanted to be by myself) he radically changed both his mindset and behaviours.

I don’t recommend an affair as a course of action but I don’t think anything less seismic would have resulted in this radical change. So a word of warning OP - don’t do what I did, but you do need to recognise how utterly dreadful and non sustainable his attitude is.

I wouldn't stop doing stuff for the kids, they will suffer. But I would stop doing anything for him. No washing, cooking, nothing for his birthday or father's day. No organising anything with his family or facilitating stuff for him. When he asks or complains use his own comments right back at him.

I'd be doing fuck all for him and just look after the kids. What a nasty pos

i Don’t agree that if you separate or divorce, he will suddenly come to and start doing all the wife work. In all likelihood he will just not do it and the kids will have to fend for themselves on his time.

having said that, a) it is a much better example to set your kids, not to tolerate that shit and b) mothers’ resentment is best ditched for everyone’s sake, not least of all yours. It’s actually so much easier to do everything that needs to be done and even also a full time job.

Resentment consumes so much time and energy even if totally righteous and justified, which yours absolutely is. I work a 48hr week, have 2 teens, elderly parents and a needy pet and never ever feel as overburdened as I did when married to my ex.

When I shared this with my EXDP he refused to read it, on the grounds that it was feminist claptrap.

I left him the following year.

He's gone away for 2 days on a non work trip.

I'd do the same when he gets back OP, but maybe you should be gone for a week, leaving no instructions or preparation and just let him get on with it.

You need to give him jobs that directly affect him

Menu planning, food shopping and cooking

Laundry, washing, drying, folding, her kids to collect theirs, putting 5 year old clothes away. Presumably he does his own already?