To want DH to understand the mental load

[Bongbingboo1]

Background
We have 4 kids. 3 are teenagers and 1 5 year old. Both work full time with me working from home.

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed at the moment and the plates are falling down and no longer spinning.

We moved house 6 months ago and I feel completely disorganised and the house is a mess as I haven't had the opportunity to actually organise anything.

Husband works long hours and he is away 2-3 nights a week. I do all the house admin/child admin etc. he literally works and then thinks about his own hobbies.

I am trying to get him to see that I am overwhelmed but he keeps saying I'm making choices. I gave him the example of DDs birthday next week and how it won't even occur to him to think about anything until I ask something of him. It's the end of term and there are a million things to think about for each day of school, again he said my choice. I get it's a choice to buy teachers a gift etc or arrange play dates and have birthday parties.

I said I need you to understand that they are not choices all the time and he responded by saying 'I call bull shit on your examples'.

I am talking myself down by thinking it will be easier in the holidays as I can ask the older kids to help out more and life will slow down a bit without the school run but it's not a solution to his attitude.

So my question is. Have you ever got you DH to see the mental load and take some of it on without the kids suffering/missing out etc? What works well in your homes to split the work?

I tried everything to get him to understand. He said I was being a martyr. I tried stopping his washing, buying stuff for his family etc. I just got the grief and negative comments.

I am finalising the divorce.

The problem is op, and you haven't once alluded to this, is that your husband is horrible, rude, selfish and lazy.

So asking wives who have decent husbands how they do it, isn't going to help.

He's not doing it, and calling bullshit, because he is lazy and unkind, and knows that since it is children who will miss out, you won't do it to them and will carry the whole burden.

Mental load is a thing. Every family is different but for me it was easily an hour a day. Due to number of children and number of extra curricular a day. If you are also doing the cooking, cleaning and childcare, plus the mental load - work out how many hours a day that is. For me it's 4. Others would be different. So, to make it 'fair' if my husband had an 8 hour a day job; is you working 4 hours.

I’d be calling bullshit on his attitude frankly.
Write down the things you see as tasks and ask him which of those things are optional.
It may well be that some of the things he sees as optional ARE optional but get yourself a core list and split them down the middle.
he can’t just opt out of things that need doing, it’s not how a partnership works. Are they your joint children?

@Bongbingboo1 you say there are "a million things to do" on a school day

That's just not true. And over-egging the pudding is counterproductive. If your DH thinks you are exaggerating, he won't change

I'd suggest preparing a list of what you both do, with realistic timings, and sit down to discuss fair allocation of chores

The mumsnet advice is always to just stop doing things. But as PPs said - the odds of him noticing let alone stepping up are small unless in impacts him negatively. He's obviously too selfish to care about the children.

I stopped buying gifts and cards for DH's family (except his grandmother who was in her 90s) because he didn't appreciate it and they would always make a point of thanking only him, not me.

No prizes for guessing how that went. He just didn't do it. They didn't get anything ever again. They got massively offended and angry, everyone inexplicably blamed me, not him.

Stop doing any cleaning, laundry, food preparation or grocery buying for him.

It's a choice.

You do not have a problem with him not seeing the mental load.

Your problem is that he does not care enough about you and your DC. Sorry.

I had to get DH to acknowledge the mental load, take it on more etc... but the starting point was that he completely agreed that the DC needed birthday gifts, a party, and a fuss made of them. Your H doesn't seem to think that's important or relevant so how on earth are you going to get him to see the effort it takes?

I am not usually straight to LTB but in this instance, I'd be taking a long hard look at the rest of your life together? I'm guessing he does nothing, but also doesn't care - so he's certainly not organising birthday gifts for you is he? or turning up to support his children at their events? I suspect his view is that the DC can miss their school play as it's not important, and certainly not as important as his golf or whatever it is?

Time to consider moving on and out.

Well if everything is a 'choice' and he's going to be rude about shit. I'm assuming he can become self sufficient completely? You choose to just take care of yourself and what needs your kids can't do

3 teenagers should have a fair bit of responsibility going on to help run the house. What do they do?

I get you! Mental load in my house is just stuff that my dh doesn't think about. He does his fair share of chores, pick ups and bill paying. This is something as lots done even do that. But it's the other things, like our social life, our kids social life, holidays, birthdays, school choice, exercise, kids activities. If it were up to him, we would spent every day not ar work/school in the house watching tv or doing chores.

Like you say, the hardest thing is that he doesn't notice those things. He will enjoy doing something like having a bbq with friend but never initiate it. It's a lot!

Does he put in any effort when it comes to your birthday or Mothers Day?

Well, in future, if you ever wonder why your teens treat you with contempt, you know where to look. His attitude toward you is shocking.

The mumsnet advice is always to just stop doing things. But as PPs said - the odds of him noticing let alone stepping up are small unless in impacts him negatively.

I stopped cooking. He definitely noticed that.

I have tried that, he didn’t do it. I gave him a basic job of making sure our Labrador vaccinations/worming/flea treatment was done. I rang them recently to check when vaccines were due for our dog walker and they hadn’t been collected for 6 months.

Yes, he’s very generous. This is what he uses though as an excuse to get out of being a useless husband.

Walk out 1 weekend and don't come bk until Sunday. When you come back wall him round the house pointing out everything he didn't do. Washing, dishes, food, general cleaning. Ask him why he didn't do it all. Leave a nice long awkward silence while he chats shit. Head tilt him and then go for a shower.

He is taking the piss and you're letting him.

With a caveat to say that I still carry the larger mental load (in my opinion!) ......

My DH and I have clear divisions of "responsibility", with complete responsibility for the whole of each thing, from start to finish. For example, I don't give a moments thought to the bins (completely - from emptying the inside bins into the outside bin, to putting the bins out, to arranging a new bin when one gets stolen, to paying the fee for an extra bin, to dealing with the rubbish when it doesn't get put out and the bins are too full etc etc etc) or garden maintenance (I plan pretty things when it suits me, but not the grunt work of mowers and strimmers and tree lopping and hedge cutting and and and). While it is my job to read school emails/newsletters and update the family calendar with the details, sort food/laundry, plan and book holidays etc etc.

We obviously sometimes ask for help with each of our tasks, but it works primarily because each task has a default adult responsible for ALL of the process.

We really struggle on the jobs that neither of us feel responsible for, because it leaves opportunity for us both to leave it to the other, or we do half the job in a way that annoys the other person etc etc. Splitting "whole jobs" makes most sense to is!

Divorce was the only ay my exh 'got' the mental load as he had to look after himself.

I still hold 95% of the mental load for the dc. He literally has them 2/3 nights a week and feeds them (usually takeaway) while I tell him who needs to be where at what time and sort all the behind the scenes stuff such as appointments, paperwork, clothing, washing, etc.

But, at least I am not living in hope he will finally step up and washing his underwear at the same time.

So many men are like this IME. My DH is fairly good in comparison because he does do his fair share of childcare and cooking. However he does zero life admin and will only do household chores that require no mental bandwidth. His rule of thumb seems to be that he is happy to do things that can be done whilst listening to a podcast. He never ever volunteers for things like sitting on the phone with the insurance company trying to negotiate a reduced renewal, emailing the school, sorting out summer holiday childcare, arranging play dates etc etc.

In your shoes I’d issue an ultimatum. Step up or leave.

Stop doing his laundry, don't cook for him! Don't buy him anything. "It's a choice".

If my husband came back at me with 'I call bullshit' to anything I said, I would be seriously considering divorce. That's no way to talk to your spouse.

I think you've got a more basic issue here - he's unlikely to take a mature attitude and understand anything about your 'mental load' with that sort of attitude.

I think the only way to show him what the results of your "choices" could be are - unfortunately - by changing what you choose to do.

So for example you no longer choose to sort food every night for anyone except you (I would secretly stash enough for the 5 year old too but not tell him). Friday to Monday he's in charge of food for himself and the kids.

Not arranging the kids playdates etc and presents for the teacher, well everyone will survive and if they complain tell them to go to daddy about it as he's in charge of that now.

I would do the birthday as that would be remembered forever but other than that I'd be dropping a lot of the non life or death stuff, writing a list of it (just headings e.g. playdates, travel to clubs, food Friday to Monday) and pinning up in the house and drawing your kids attention to the fact that any questions or complaints or enquiries about that are to be directed to dad.

The comic explains it so well!

Mine doesn't see it and I doubt we'll be together much longer.

Weren't you cooking for yourself though?

My DH would just waste our money on takeaway if I did that.

So what's your bottom line? You can't make someone change. Do you get enough out of your relationship to continue living this way or do you think you would you be happier if you split up? I guess you'd be doing all the things you do now, but without the frustration and irritation, there would be one less person to look after and you might meet someone else who was interested in a partnership with you.