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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset over a 3 year lie by omission

110 replies

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 16:45

Just to premise I do feel I am at fault for being as upset as I am but I really am not sure if the hurt I feel is reasonable or I am just an insecure wreck.

I married DH at the start of 2020 and we have a son 13m together. Recently since returning to work I have been struggling being away from my son and returning to a demanding role and taking on others emotional burdens, which comes as standard in my line of work. This I feel has led to me having minimal sleep and horrific nightmares that feel so real and are often relating to loss, death and infidelity (this is not something I find myself ever really thinking about consciously).

The reason I mention the dreams is I had a dream I found a ton of photos of my husband and a stripper, which felt so real as in the dream I was upset and went to bed so when I woke up for a moment i thought it was real. This was odd to me as when we married he went to a stag trip skiing abroad and I went to a cheesy club in Brighton, nothing seedy and no strippers. I mentioned this to be husband and we laughed about how silly it was. He then made a comment later in the day saying he never said to me he did or didn't have a stripper at his stag do. This confused me as at the time I asked what they got up to and he told me drinking and skiing. When pushed he admitted to going to a strip club and having a private dance.

I feel really bothered that he never told me. Is it normal for husbands to hide this to avoid upsetting their wives? I ask as all my married friends told their partners if they had strippers and were open. Also, every one of them had strippers in group settings, none had a private dance which is also messing with my head.

I am hoping I'm just over reacting but I can't shake this feeling that I should be upset and this is a red flag. He has apologised and promised he didnt enjoy it and he's not hiding anything else.

For context he has lied by omission a few times but nothing serious, I'm not sure he considers it lying.

OP posts:
YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 18/07/2023 16:51

YANBU. The stripper wouldn't overly bother me, but the private dance is verging on cheating as far as I'm concerned

SweetAndSourChick3n · 18/07/2023 16:55

The private dance would be a dealbreaker for me. I would think it's fairly common to hide it from the wife though, the whole 'what happens in vegas stays in Vegas' mentality on stag dos etc wouldn't surprise me.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 16:55

To me, “hiding” or “lying by omission” the fact a stag do included a strip club & lap dance would take more than simply not volunteering the information. So I don’t really agree that he hid or lied about it. Most stag/hen dos have a don’t ask, don’t tell vibe about them. It’s why DH and I never did them. And culturally, if you’re going to have a stag/hen do, you also imho accept the don’t ask and don’t tell vibe. It appears he admitted to it when asked a direct question- which again isn’t hiding or lying by omission.

And frankly, I would not judge the success or failure of a 3yr marriage on the basis of a 30min lap dance that predated the marriage.

Has he been a good husband and father the past three years? Has he upheld his side of things day in and day out? Are you happy together? That’s what really matters.

AngleofTheNorth · 18/07/2023 16:56

Just to premise I do feel I am at fault for being as upset as I am but I really am not sure if the hurt I feel is reasonable or I am just an insecure wreck.

Why is this all on you? It's your husband's behaviour that is the problem, you are reacting to it. Listen to what your reaction is telling you.

wutheringkites · 18/07/2023 16:56

Setting aside the fact he didn't tell you at the time, how do you feel about the private dance?

I don't think I'd be able to look at my partner the same way again if he did that.

missmollygreen · 18/07/2023 16:57

Did you speak about it before the stag do and he agreed to having no strippers or lap dances?

Seems a bit daft to get upset if you had not mentioned it before the stag

Qbish · 18/07/2023 16:59

*He has apologised and promised he didnt enjoy it and he's not hiding anything else.

For context he has lied by omission a few times but nothing serious, I'm not sure he considers it lying*

Yeah, you're not overreacting.

BeeHappy12 · 18/07/2023 17:01

I don't think you should judge a 3 year marriage on the stag night but, personally... the private dance would be too much for me. I don't think i would think the same of my DH if he did that. I also don't think that's usual for stag nights.

Janella · 18/07/2023 17:07

Whilst I personally wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over this, I would say that I felt hurt by his actions. And say why eg it's sleazy/a betrayal etc.

It's an opportunity to be clear from now on that this crosses a line (or whatever the line is for you eg no strippers whatsoever). And if you're hurt, you're hurt. You don't have to just get over it. It might take some time as it sounds like you are at a minimum disappointed. His behaviour is the problem here - both the concealment and the private dance.

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:07

The private dance I think was done in a corner paid for by the other stags but away from everyone which is how is explained it (sectioned off as oppose to a room) not sure if that's better?

I dont think he would have organised it himself or paid for it and I've never been to a strip club so I'm unsure of the standards of what's normal.

He's a good husband, he has not told me things before to I think protect my feelings. I think I have always been really open and honest and would have told him if our situation was reversed so that's where I'm stuck thinking that its my fault for assuming.

The dance does upset me but I do understand people do that I feel more upset he never told me which then i worry means it wasn't normal or a bit worse than it should have been if that makes sense (sorry tying on about 2 hours sleep so excuse spelling/grammar).

OP posts:
MIBnightmare · 18/07/2023 17:14

What do you want OP ?

Is this something that you are prepared to be a single parent for ? Do you want your son 50/50 or do the lions share whilst working full time and somehow working out childcare .. whilst he has the child every other weekend ?

If you are prepared for that then go for it ! xxx

VeridicalVagabond · 18/07/2023 17:17

Oh yeah, I'm sure he didn't enjoy a slim, hot, naked woman rubbing her arse up against his dick. I'm sure that was just the most boring thing that happened to him on his trip. Probably sat there the whole time thinking about skiing.

GameofStrife · 18/07/2023 17:19

Actually there's no touching in a private dance in the uk. Unsure where it took place though.

mrstiggytinkle · 18/07/2023 17:20

God. Poor you. Difficult.

Probably a dealbreaker for me. But I have very strong feelings about this type of behaviour, honest, dishonest or omitting.

mrstiggytinkle · 18/07/2023 17:21

GameofStrife · 18/07/2023 17:19

Actually there's no touching in a private dance in the uk. Unsure where it took place though.

Haha!

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:23

wutheringkites · 18/07/2023 16:56

Setting aside the fact he didn't tell you at the time, how do you feel about the private dance?

I don't think I'd be able to look at my partner the same way again if he did that.

I never thought he would agree to it in that situation but apparently I was wrong.

OP posts:
ReachForTheMars · 18/07/2023 17:24

I think it's really cruel that he chose to tell you years later and after thinking about it all day, so it wasnt a spur of the moment or a genuine effort to come clean. He made a calculated decision to tell you now because he is counting on you feeling like you need to shrug it off because of how long ago it was.

I'd be more angry at that and seriously wonder what his motivation was to tell you. It's a nasty thing to do.

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:24

GameofStrife · 18/07/2023 17:19

Actually there's no touching in a private dance in the uk. Unsure where it took place though.

It wasn't in the UK it was in Austria, not sure on the rules, to scared to Google it.

OP posts:
catsgoldfishandtoomanypets · 18/07/2023 17:26

Its was only a private dance. He wouldn't have been allowed to touch. I don't care if my dh did this and vice versa. Its not cheating.

YABTU

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/07/2023 17:26

My advice is to put this away for a time when you’ve had more than 2 hours of sleep.

I’m not minimizing anything, telling you it’s not a big deal, or anything like that. But life decisions generally should not be made when you’re exhausted.

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:27

These weren't the "yup perfectly normal" responses I was hoping for😥

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/07/2023 17:27

Who told it was a cordoned off area and not a separate room? Him?

Not at all sure what I’d do, but I’d be heartbroken and not sure if I could regain trust.

LizzieSiddal · 18/07/2023 17:28

You’ve every right to be upset, and I suggest you have a serious talk with your H and tell him how much this has upset you and it’s making you not trust him.

And as a PP has said, what do you want to happen next?

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 18/07/2023 17:28

ReachForTheMars · 18/07/2023 17:24

I think it's really cruel that he chose to tell you years later and after thinking about it all day, so it wasnt a spur of the moment or a genuine effort to come clean. He made a calculated decision to tell you now because he is counting on you feeling like you need to shrug it off because of how long ago it was.

I'd be more angry at that and seriously wonder what his motivation was to tell you. It's a nasty thing to do.

She literally mentioned it first.

It's more likely she brought it up, he laughed about it but then thought about it, felt bad and decided to come clean rather than some evil, calculated move!

MaryBeardsShoes · 18/07/2023 17:30

It doesn’t matter if it’s normal or not. It matters what you decide your boundaries are. Personally I wouldn’t be keen on anyone who thought this was ok, but that’s my boundary. If you’re ok with it, that’s ok too.