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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset over a 3 year lie by omission

110 replies

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 16:45

Just to premise I do feel I am at fault for being as upset as I am but I really am not sure if the hurt I feel is reasonable or I am just an insecure wreck.

I married DH at the start of 2020 and we have a son 13m together. Recently since returning to work I have been struggling being away from my son and returning to a demanding role and taking on others emotional burdens, which comes as standard in my line of work. This I feel has led to me having minimal sleep and horrific nightmares that feel so real and are often relating to loss, death and infidelity (this is not something I find myself ever really thinking about consciously).

The reason I mention the dreams is I had a dream I found a ton of photos of my husband and a stripper, which felt so real as in the dream I was upset and went to bed so when I woke up for a moment i thought it was real. This was odd to me as when we married he went to a stag trip skiing abroad and I went to a cheesy club in Brighton, nothing seedy and no strippers. I mentioned this to be husband and we laughed about how silly it was. He then made a comment later in the day saying he never said to me he did or didn't have a stripper at his stag do. This confused me as at the time I asked what they got up to and he told me drinking and skiing. When pushed he admitted to going to a strip club and having a private dance.

I feel really bothered that he never told me. Is it normal for husbands to hide this to avoid upsetting their wives? I ask as all my married friends told their partners if they had strippers and were open. Also, every one of them had strippers in group settings, none had a private dance which is also messing with my head.

I am hoping I'm just over reacting but I can't shake this feeling that I should be upset and this is a red flag. He has apologised and promised he didnt enjoy it and he's not hiding anything else.

For context he has lied by omission a few times but nothing serious, I'm not sure he considers it lying.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 18/07/2023 18:21

I don't like the implication from a few posters that if you don't specifically say that you aren't happy about this, it shouldn't matter. That seems to imply that anything you haven't thought to mention is fine.

Further, since he has a spotty track record with telling the full story, I don't know how confident I'd be that he hasn't made a tactical decision about how much to reveal.

neilyoungismyhero · 18/07/2023 18:26

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:27

These weren't the "yup perfectly normal" responses I was hoping for😥

At the end of the day it's not what random people on the Internet think. I guess you want validation for your feelings which you've got aplenty. Only you know what you are prepared to tolerate but as someone else said you've been married for 3 years you have a child and a decent life, is it worth giving it up for what was a drunken seedy 5 minutes of your husband to be's life? Egged on by his scuzzy mates.
People make silly mistakes.

Alibaba87 · 18/07/2023 18:37

I wouldn’t be bothered. But then I trust my husband, so to me it would just be a bit of fun and something to joke about a bit. I wouldn’t have expected him to tell me every detail of the trip either, so wouldn’t be bothered if it came up years later.

As others have said, this is your decision as to how you feel. Obviously people are different, some are bothered by this and others aren’t. I don’t think you should feel persuaded to feel ok or angry about this either way by comments in here.

DMLady · 18/07/2023 18:39

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:33

I dont want to throw our marriage away and I don't feel he flat out cheated but I'm worried I can't shift the feeling of being lied to and disrespected. Im embarrassed to admit but I feel if I has been enough at the time he would of said no.

OP, please, please, please don’t think it’s because you weren’t enough. It’s because it was his stag do and that’s the kind of thing that often happens on stag do’s — and I’m guessing it would be near impossible to say no due to peer pressure etc. However, like you, I’d be really hurt by this revelation if my DH made it (more so, I think, than if he’d told me about it at the time) and he’d go down in my estimation as a result — for being that sleazy and for lying by omission (even if he’d done it to spare my feelings).

Didimum · 18/07/2023 19:21

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 18:11

It would be nice that it was a given you didn’t want your partner to be involved with strippers etc on his stag do, rather than you have to expressly say something to them for them to know

This.

Didimum · 18/07/2023 19:23

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 18:00

“Sexual contact” 🤣
It’s not like he got a hand job or a dry hump.

You do know what private dances often entail, right?

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 19:26

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2023 17:38

I find it hard to believe that people would break up their marriages over a lapdance that happened three years ago.

I find it hard to believe women would happily stay with a man who prioritised his friend's opinions of him over a woman they supposedly love and respect.

Spacecowboys · 18/07/2023 19:44

I wouldn’t break up my relationship over this personally. The whole stripper thing is a bit of a cliche. Friends organise this for their stag/ hen with laughter in mind, not for anyone’s sexual gratification.

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 19:52

@Spacecowboys you could go to a comedy club instead.

For those who don't find a stripper/lap dance an issue on a stag do, is there any behaviour on a stag do that would be a deal breaker, or can anything go? If the stag slept with someone, prostitute or otherwise, would that be a problem, or not if his mates had paid for it so he was obliged to go along with it

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2023 19:52

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 19:26

I find it hard to believe women would happily stay with a man who prioritised his friend's opinions of him over a woman they supposedly love and respect.

Show quote history

You're advising the op to get a divorce when you don't even know what actually happened.

Alibaba87 · 18/07/2023 19:59

Come on now, you know it’s not the same thing.

BalletBob · 18/07/2023 20:00

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 18:00

“Sexual contact” 🤣
It’s not like he got a hand job or a dry hump.

So naïve. But sure, do your silly laughing emoji.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 18/07/2023 20:08

He didn’t tell you as he didn’t want to upset you and he knew having a private dance was a step too far.
I’d be ok with DH going to a strip club but would draw the line at private dance.
The fact he lied to you is the worst part.

LolaSmiles · 18/07/2023 20:08

In his defence I never specified no to strippers I just don't understand the culture so wasn't sure if the dance was concerning/normal
I don't think it's really a case of lap dances being normal or not on stag dos. I suspect it's more common than people think, but that doesn't mean everyone has to be on board with it.

What matters is the boundaries you set in your relationship and whether you overall feel respected and valued.

If you're happy in the relationship, not happy with his disclosure then you probably need to talk about it, get to a point where you can move on, and set very clear expectations for other trips.

If you're unhappy with the relationship, feel he lies by omission a lot on various topics, and you don't feel you could trust him to respect your relationship boundaries on any future trips then that's probably a situation where the future of the relationship is rocky.

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 20:15

@Nightlystroll I haven't advised her to do any such thing.

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2023 20:19

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 20:15

@Nightlystroll I haven't advised her to do any such thing.

Well, yes, you have. You're saying you don't see how anyone would stay with a man who did that. So if you're not staying with them, you're divorcing them.

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2023 20:20

“It’s such a shame people have such a low bar when it comes to men’s behaviour. Why is it absolutely fine for them to treat women’s bodies as commodities especially when many women in the sex industry are trafficked. People need to raise their standards”

totally agree. It would be a deal breaker for me.

MadKittenWoman · 18/07/2023 20:31

Going to strip clubs and having lap dances is not normal behaviour in my world. This would give me the ick and I couldn't get back from it.

OhmygodDont · 18/07/2023 20:34

A man who doesn’t tell you things to protect your feelings isn’t a loving caring man. His just lying is the bare bones.

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 20:50

@neilyoungismyhero I said I find it hard to believe. Personally, I couldn't stay, but I understand that it's not a dealbreaker for plenty of people.

Grapefruit7 · 18/07/2023 21:15

Op, I think you are stressed and have become fixated on this as an issue. I do think it’s sleazy but I also think it happens on stag dos all the time! I don’t consider it unusual or cheating as a one off.

namechangenacy · 18/07/2023 21:30

Op do you trust your husband ? Do you get the feeling he's genuinely trust worthy?

My friend married a guy fairly young, he didn't tell her he went to see strippers on stag( not that she would have minded) but something niggled at her and she had a gander at his internet browser and found he had been looking at a site called adult works ( prostitutes) and other really not great things. She thought it was a one off but checked and it was regular and consistent. She divorced him because of this and he went around calling her a gold digger.

The moral of the story, your gut is often right and sees things your brain doesn't want to.

mosiacmaker · 18/07/2023 21:37

It’s not the most pleasant thing to imagine but I can also imagine a world where I went on my hens do and my girls organised a private male dancer for me, I wouldn’t necessarily spell this out to my DH but might mention it years later. Please don’t imagine a private lap dance in a corner to be anything delicious and intimate, there isn’t any touching and it’s really all for a laugh in a group setting. I wouldn’t see him mentioning this a few years later as a red flag at all or see him in a different light. Especially at his own stag do when his mates are setting him up etc. It’s not like he is visiting strip clubs as a leisure activity in his daily life!

MySoCalledWife · 18/07/2023 21:40

The pathetic lie about not enjoying it would make me lose more respect than anything

that’s just so wet

Sleepydoor · 18/07/2023 21:44

MySoCalledWife · 18/07/2023 21:40

The pathetic lie about not enjoying it would make me lose more respect than anything

that’s just so wet

The OP has made it clear she doesn't want anyone telling her what the private dance entailed, but I don't understand why there are so many people rushing in to pretend it's not sexual! Do you need privacy for the real lols to start at a strip club? Yeah...no.