AIBU for being upset over a 3 year lie by omission

[SheNeedsSleep]

Just to premise I do feel I am at fault for being as upset as I am but I really am not sure if the hurt I feel is reasonable or I am just an insecure wreck.

I married DH at the start of 2020 and we have a son 13m together. Recently since returning to work I have been struggling being away from my son and returning to a demanding role and taking on others emotional burdens, which comes as standard in my line of work. This I feel has led to me having minimal sleep and horrific nightmares that feel so real and are often relating to loss, death and infidelity (this is not something I find myself ever really thinking about consciously).

The reason I mention the dreams is I had a dream I found a ton of photos of my husband and a stripper, which felt so real as in the dream I was upset and went to bed so when I woke up for a moment i thought it was real. This was odd to me as when we married he went to a stag trip skiing abroad and I went to a cheesy club in Brighton, nothing seedy and no strippers. I mentioned this to be husband and we laughed about how silly it was. He then made a comment later in the day saying he never said to me he did or didn't have a stripper at his stag do. This confused me as at the time I asked what they got up to and he told me drinking and skiing. When pushed he admitted to going to a strip club and having a private dance.

I feel really bothered that he never told me. Is it normal for husbands to hide this to avoid upsetting their wives? I ask as all my married friends told their partners if they had strippers and were open. Also, every one of them had strippers in group settings, none had a private dance which is also messing with my head.

I am hoping I'm just over reacting but I can't shake this feeling that I should be upset and this is a red flag. He has apologised and promised he didnt enjoy it and he's not hiding anything else.

For context he has lied by omission a few times but nothing serious, I'm not sure he considers it lying.

I'd be angry he didn't tell me but not sure it would be something to end the marriage over. I'm guessing he didn't want to rock the boat in lead up to wedding. Not technically a lie but definitely not honest. He probably saw this as an opportunity to let you know.

‘Like I’ve told you’ 😂
I think you are very sure that your interpretation of the definition is correct I think otherwise. It’s not for you to tell me. It’s a discussion. TBH it’s also pretty irrelevant. Non of us really know what happened but we do know men often minimise the events and the OP should be aware of what the possibilities are.

Yeah, but he had kept silent for years.

After that long, what possible good would come from telling her? He got away with it.

Telling someone to ease your own guilt is poor judgement. Guilt is his punishment and he should have lived with it rather than told her so long after. Thre is literally no benefit to OP knowing. He wasnt feeling guilty all day every day for years. He lived with any guilt back then in the aftermath. Why? Because he thought he had something to lose. He has now decided that risk is lower now and worth offloading. Thats why its cruel.

Yeah, OP should be made aware of the possibilities from women like me who have been there and done that lap dancing gig. Not from other women who have never been there and never done it.

You said lap dances are dry humping
Im saying we do not dry hump the customers.
That’s not part of a bog standard lap dance.

So I did update but thought I'd add one to this. My husband assumed I had something at mine and didn't say anything. When I bought up the dream I explained about it and how weird as he never had one. His mind set was this at the time he felt I wouldn't have told him if I had a stripper so thought we were omitting details. When I directly made a statement his options were to tell the truth or lie. He did not want to lie to me.

He has been very understanding of my hurt and I'm not going to throw it all away over a 3 minute topless dance he barely remembers. I fixated on this so I didn't have to think about my health or the outcomes of my current tests.

I think we can all agree he maybe should have potentially admitted to it 3 years ago, said no to a lapdance at the time or given me a chance to book tickets to magic Mike before we got married to even it out 😁

I feel happy with the outcome and if it was a brothel his friends apparently didn't fork out for the full package so we are all good 🤭

Thank you your responses and your experience really helped me feel better about the whole thing! X

Fair enough OP. His explanation does make sense, to be fair, and it sounds like his not telling you wasn't him trying to be deceitful.

I'm glad you spoke properly about it.

"promised he didnt enjoy it"

And you believe this?

Had he gone alone I imagine its intimate and sexy. I imagine she looked incredible and danced amazingly. But let's be honest 3 minutes with your friends laughing at you round the corner probably isn't the most turned on he's ever been. I also watched tutorials as I'm still determined if I'm cancer free to learn to do one it's mainly visual and teasing and the instructors explained how to dance without sitting on his privates (I imagine a lot of strippers aren't attractive to the man and would rather not). I feel better now and I do believe he found it embarrassing and awkward.

Also directly questioned he's not the best liar and he was really honest so not sure what else to tell you except I believe him x

In response to all of this you're going to learn how to lap dance for him too.

Mind boggles.