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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset over a 3 year lie by omission

110 replies

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 16:45

Just to premise I do feel I am at fault for being as upset as I am but I really am not sure if the hurt I feel is reasonable or I am just an insecure wreck.

I married DH at the start of 2020 and we have a son 13m together. Recently since returning to work I have been struggling being away from my son and returning to a demanding role and taking on others emotional burdens, which comes as standard in my line of work. This I feel has led to me having minimal sleep and horrific nightmares that feel so real and are often relating to loss, death and infidelity (this is not something I find myself ever really thinking about consciously).

The reason I mention the dreams is I had a dream I found a ton of photos of my husband and a stripper, which felt so real as in the dream I was upset and went to bed so when I woke up for a moment i thought it was real. This was odd to me as when we married he went to a stag trip skiing abroad and I went to a cheesy club in Brighton, nothing seedy and no strippers. I mentioned this to be husband and we laughed about how silly it was. He then made a comment later in the day saying he never said to me he did or didn't have a stripper at his stag do. This confused me as at the time I asked what they got up to and he told me drinking and skiing. When pushed he admitted to going to a strip club and having a private dance.

I feel really bothered that he never told me. Is it normal for husbands to hide this to avoid upsetting their wives? I ask as all my married friends told their partners if they had strippers and were open. Also, every one of them had strippers in group settings, none had a private dance which is also messing with my head.

I am hoping I'm just over reacting but I can't shake this feeling that I should be upset and this is a red flag. He has apologised and promised he didnt enjoy it and he's not hiding anything else.

For context he has lied by omission a few times but nothing serious, I'm not sure he considers it lying.

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 18/07/2023 17:33

I would be very concerned about his regular lying. The fact that he keeps things from you as standard would make me question what kind of man he is and I wouldn’t trust him.

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:33

I dont want to throw our marriage away and I don't feel he flat out cheated but I'm worried I can't shift the feeling of being lied to and disrespected. Im embarrassed to admit but I feel if I has been enough at the time he would of said no.

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/07/2023 17:33

FWIW OP, though this is an educated guess, I doubt your DH would randomly confess like this if anything badly untoward happened - he’d most likely try to take it to his grave unless his hand was forced.

Obviously for many (me included) a lap dance is badly untoward, however a private dance leading to sex is where most people’s minds would go as the ultimate betrayal.

INeedAnotherName · 18/07/2023 17:33

Normally I would say a private dance is too far, however you said later that the other stags organised and paid for it. I think that makes it different in this particular case.

So I would let this omission go unless it follows a pattern of other omissions throughout your marriage. Only you know if there are more that make you uneasy.

CatsForeverAndEver · 18/07/2023 17:37

Hi Op, I really get how you're feeling. I'm in a similar line of work to you by the sounds of it and its hard to snap into a lighter state of mind after, so something like this would bother me too. That being said I really do think it's normal. Some posters won't agree or like it which I totally understand but in terms of stag culture I think it's the last bit of peer pressure they give into before they get married tbh. I'm engaged and if my fiancée did this I'd know it was on a do with plenty of his friends who are already married and did the same on their stags ( he's even told me some of them have ). If it were a woman he knows and even so much as a kiss I'd be horrified but a private dance in this kind of situation and setting with a woman he'd have no connection with at all isn't worth thinking about anymore, I don't really think it's even indicative of his character, it's almost cemented in the culture of the British stag do. Gross as it may be it's true and it's happened now, hope you're OK and can move on from it x

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 18/07/2023 17:37

I’d be annoyed but the situation is definitely not a marriage ender!!

So YANBU to be annoyed but you would be unreasonable to let it affect your marriage…. it was his stag do and he would have likely been peer pressured into it.

If it wasn’t his stag do and instead was a friends stag, I would be far
more angry 🤷‍♀️

LolaSmiles · 18/07/2023 17:38

On it's own and in an otherwise healthy and happy marriage I'd leave this one be if you (as in plural) didn't communicate set boundaries.

I'm always a little sceptical of how many mumsnetters think they know for sure what happens at every stag do their DH/DP has ever been on, and suspect some of them are kidding themselves.

If there's a trend of lying by omission then that would bother me more, depending on the topic he lies by omission on.

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2023 17:38

I find it hard to believe that people would break up their marriages over a lapdance that happened three years ago.

CatsForeverAndEver · 18/07/2023 17:40

LolaSmiles · 18/07/2023 17:38

On it's own and in an otherwise healthy and happy marriage I'd leave this one be if you (as in plural) didn't communicate set boundaries.

I'm always a little sceptical of how many mumsnetters think they know for sure what happens at every stag do their DH/DP has ever been on, and suspect some of them are kidding themselves.

If there's a trend of lying by omission then that would bother me more, depending on the topic he lies by omission on.

Agree with this also, I know for a fact loads of my brothers, fiancées brothers and their friends have been on stags where this has definitely happened as they've spoken about it infront of me. I don't know their wives but would out money on it they don't know and tbh do they really need to know? It isn't cheating and more hurt than its worh admitting to.

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:40

CatsForeverAndEver · 18/07/2023 17:37

Hi Op, I really get how you're feeling. I'm in a similar line of work to you by the sounds of it and its hard to snap into a lighter state of mind after, so something like this would bother me too. That being said I really do think it's normal. Some posters won't agree or like it which I totally understand but in terms of stag culture I think it's the last bit of peer pressure they give into before they get married tbh. I'm engaged and if my fiancée did this I'd know it was on a do with plenty of his friends who are already married and did the same on their stags ( he's even told me some of them have ). If it were a woman he knows and even so much as a kiss I'd be horrified but a private dance in this kind of situation and setting with a woman he'd have no connection with at all isn't worth thinking about anymore, I don't really think it's even indicative of his character, it's almost cemented in the culture of the British stag do. Gross as it may be it's true and it's happened now, hope you're OK and can move on from it x

Thank you that really means a lot! X

OP posts:
ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 17:42

Nightlystroll · 18/07/2023 17:38

I find it hard to believe that people would break up their marriages over a lapdance that happened three years ago.

Me too. Especially since it was his stag do and so he would have been expected to go along with whatever was planned as a surprise for him.

LizzieSiddal · 18/07/2023 17:42

Nightlystroll · Today 17:38
I find it hard to believe that people would break up their marriages over a lapdance that happened three years ago.

I agree.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 17:45

SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:33

I dont want to throw our marriage away and I don't feel he flat out cheated but I'm worried I can't shift the feeling of being lied to and disrespected. Im embarrassed to admit but I feel if I has been enough at the time he would of said no.

Enough of what? OP this has nothing to do with his love or respect for you. It’s just a seedy stag do tradition that is declining but many stags are subjected to it even today. It’s not uncommon at all- in fact Amsterdam has recently banned British stag and hen dos because they’re (yes thousands of men and women) are always going to the red light district completely pissed, gyrating with strippers and getting up to no good.

Didimum · 18/07/2023 17:45

CatsForeverAndEver · 18/07/2023 17:37

Hi Op, I really get how you're feeling. I'm in a similar line of work to you by the sounds of it and its hard to snap into a lighter state of mind after, so something like this would bother me too. That being said I really do think it's normal. Some posters won't agree or like it which I totally understand but in terms of stag culture I think it's the last bit of peer pressure they give into before they get married tbh. I'm engaged and if my fiancée did this I'd know it was on a do with plenty of his friends who are already married and did the same on their stags ( he's even told me some of them have ). If it were a woman he knows and even so much as a kiss I'd be horrified but a private dance in this kind of situation and setting with a woman he'd have no connection with at all isn't worth thinking about anymore, I don't really think it's even indicative of his character, it's almost cemented in the culture of the British stag do. Gross as it may be it's true and it's happened now, hope you're OK and can move on from it x

Yeah, no - you can and should expect more of your partner than to engage in activity they know breaks your boundaries because of the infantile and poor excuse of ‘British culture’.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 17:49

Didimum · 18/07/2023 17:45

Yeah, no - you can and should expect more of your partner than to engage in activity they know breaks your boundaries because of the infantile and poor excuse of ‘British culture’.

Show quote history

You’re assuming they know the activity is a deal breaker.

Dotcheck · 18/07/2023 17:49

He's a good husband, he has not told me things before to I think protect my feelings
Or because ultimately it’s easier for him?

I would tell him that you consider a lap dance and the lying by omission to be a betrayal, and if it happens again, you can’t guarantee you’d have any respect for him.

Poppysmom22 · 18/07/2023 17:49

The dance wouldn't both me the hiding of it would bother me massively

Original poster
SheNeedsSleep · 18/07/2023 17:49

In his defence I never specified no to strippers I just don't understand the culture so wasn't sure if the dance was concerning/normal.

I like the different view points it helps me gather my feelings. Guess I'll try and explain to him. thank you all (ps please no one tell me if there's a difference in Austria please)!!

OP posts:
Didimum · 18/07/2023 17:52

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 17:49

You’re assuming they know the activity is a deal breaker.

Show quote history

Yes, of course!

BemusedBrenda · 18/07/2023 17:56

I think it's a sign of shockingly low standards in a relationship to just say it's "British stag culture" to have sexual contact with another person on a stag do, so that makes it ok. My partner has declined to go a strip club on a stag before. He has been on stags where there was no question of going to a strip club because none of the men involved would be comfortable doing that. It is definitely not a given that all stags involve the sliding scale of strippers, lap dances, private dances, cheating, or that the partner left at home should be ok with it just because it happened on a stag do.

Having said that, OP only you can know how much this bothers you or changes your view of your husband. There is no right or or way to feel about it - you're entitled to feel whatever you do.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 18:00

“Sexual contact” 🤣
It’s not like he got a hand job or a dry hump.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 18/07/2023 18:00

If you didn't discuss it and say No then you can't be angry he engaged, at the encouragement and cost of his fellow stags, in an activity which is considered fairly common for Stag and Hen Dos

It sounds more to me like the subject of strippers never came up pre nor post stag until this time. He never mentioned because you never asked and he worked on "what happens on Stag". When you mentioned it, he laughed but later realised it was obviously upsetting you and decided to come clean and clear the air.

This would fit with what you've said about him trying to protect your feelings before. Are those things like "I forgot to do the shopping but didn't mention it, hoping you wouldn't notice before I had chance to do it later" type lies or "I've been texting this girl and I wasn't going to say anything, even though its innocent, but you just saw her name" type lies?

And this is MN. Any man who even thinks about a strip club is evil, you weren't going to get a balanced view here.

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 18:08

It’s such a shame people have such a low bar when it comes to men’s behaviour. Why is it absolutely fine for them to treat women’s bodies as commodities especially when many women in the sex industry are trafficked. People need to raise their standards

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 18:11

It would be nice that it was a given you didn’t want your partner to be involved with strippers etc on his stag do, rather than you have to expressly say something to them for them to know

Paintedocean · 18/07/2023 18:17

I f you’re upset you’re upset and IMO it’s reasonable to feel disappointed in his behaviour and also possible to understand that the situation may have got out of control. I know several men who have been to strip clubs and found the whole thing uncomfortable but gone along with it - we’d all like to think we won’t go along with things but it does sometimes happen and stag nights are highly charged. I think it’s important to explain how you feel - especially about lying by omission. You’re still relatively early in what will hopefully be a long life together and it’s only by being open about your feelings while also really trying to see things from their point of view that your relationship can strengthen.