Who is being unreasonable - gift

[ThatFraggle]

Not about me, but friends. Person's partner bought them a gift set for a birthday. Think of something like a 'star sign' bundle. (The bundle is bought complete, and it was not someone shopping for different things to make a bundle).

Some of the things were bath bombs etc, which say things like 'grapefruit scented for a feisty Leo' or whatever, but can of course be used by anyone, but other things are, e.g. a Leo candle, a card that says strong Leo etc.

Except - 1.
They got the date wrong somehow and it's for the wrong starsign.

And - 2.

The person receiving the gift thinks horroscopes are a load of bollocks.

The person giving the gift says that they should be grateful/thankful to have been given a gift, and they spent like £50 on it.

The recipient says that the gift shows how little they think of them, and know them so little, that they are thinking of ending things. No kids involved. A couple of years relationship.

I think that DH does show me he cares in lots of ways, but I will admit that I have been upset in the past because for me (and I do believe everyone is different) I feel that dh doesn't always put any effort into actively thinking about what I'd like. So he is loving, supportive, kind. If I ask for something or want to do something he is 100% there and happy to accommodate it.

But I personally would love it if he would sometimes think ahead.

I also understand that this is simply not something he's capable of. In fact, it's something his entire family is incapable of and as a result, every single DC birthday, I start receiving frantic requests for ideas the day before. Because not one of them can a) think ahead or b) actually come up with ideas.

But it is not a deal breaker for me because DH IS a good husband and if I do spell something out to him, he will make it happen.And this is one thing I would prefer to be done differently in a whole host of things that he does do brilliant.ly.

I mean, honestly, I don't think I could see a future with a partner who thought a 'star sign bundle' was a good birthday present, period....even if they got the start sign correct. That's a pretty rubbish gift. Maybe something you'd get your kooky great aunt or a 12 year old. But not your partner.

Present buyer is at fault. That's such a crap gift, honestly getting nothing (or just giving her the fifty quid to buy something herself) would be less insulting.

But to me the fact that he doubled down when she said it was crap and told her she should be grateful is even more of a red flag. If he had got the right star sign but she just didn't like the gift that's one thing (and tbh I think she'd still be entitled to be annoyed) but he clearly made a mistake in getting the wrong sign so any decent person would apologise even if just for that part. Same as if you bought an outfit the wrong size or spelled a name wrong -its bare minimum basic manners.

Ultimately if everything else in ghe relationship was great I doubt she'd be thinking of leaving over one crap birthday gift. It sounds more like he's generally thoughtless and uncaring and this is a last straw situation.

This thread is quite amusing because mumsnet is always full of “I need ideas for a gift for a 8 year old girl” type posts and you then get completely random suggestions that some children will love and others be completely baffled by.
Why is ok to buy a kid a completely random gift but not an adult?

Random presents for a friend are one thing, but it's very different with a partner.

Gift giver is in the wrong.

The only appropriate response to being called out for giving a shit gift is to apologise for your lack of thought, return it for a refund and IMMEDIATELY while the refund is still processing, take the recipient shopping (online is ok) to get something double the shitty gift's value as a way to show you really are sorry for messing up.

Getting gifts should be a lovely experience, and the giver here has ruined it with their lack of care and then doubled down to call their partner unreasonable for not being grateful? DARVO behaviour.

I never say this but in this case I'd advise she LTB.

I don't value gifts myself and hate getting them for other people but I don't understand all these excuses for all the poor men apparently in the same position- if you're someone who doesn't value getting gifts or knows you're crap at buying them, but that your partner/friend/child DOES like gifts why wouldn't you just ASK "is there anything you'd like for your birthday?"

All these discussions about "dropping hints" and the useless dhs running down to the supermarket to buy a load of crap would be solved by taking ten seconds to put a miniscule amount of effort in. They can order something online and even get it wrapped and delivered. For someone who you're supposed to love (whether that be a partner or otherwise) it really is the absolute bare minimum of effort so I can understand why people get upset if someone can't even manage to do that. Let alone make the almost equally as easy step of just asking someone who knows the recipient well and is good at buying gifts. Or taking their head out of their arse and paying bare minimum attention to their partner "oh she uses x perfume I will get her another bottle of it." "She likes drinking x wine I will get some of that."

Like anything else if its not something that comes naturally to you there are (particularly in 2023) lots of ways to work around it, rather than just giving up.

Of course if someone asks and the recipient says "surprise me" or "I don't know" and then expects someone who has previously demonstrated thst they are crap at present buying to magically mindread their innermost desires and get something amazing then that's on them.

@WildUnchartedWaters

Of course I'm on Ann's side. I have received lovely gifts from her and I think her DP's behaviour is a bit shit. As pp's said. 1. For the generic, bland gift; which was carelessly chosen both in subject and execution, then 2. The doubling down afterwards.

I don't know all the ins and outs of their relationship, but I know my friend was really hurt.

Some here think it is unreasonable to be upset. Some recognise the contempt behind the gift.

If you ended a relationship over this, then there are other issues at play. It's good pisstaking fodder for years but I wouldn't necessarily end things over it. A chat would be had though!

Hmmm.

Did partner even realise it was a star sign gift?
I would think there must be other issues if your friend is thinking of ending a relationship over this. It's very superficial. I have had some terrible presents from my DP over the years I wouldn't think about ending the relationship because of it!

You seem very invested in their relationship. It is a load of fuss and drama about nothing and certainly not worth splitting up over. Or is that what you are hoping will happen?

I agree with PP saying that the brilliance of 'Ann' the recipient at choosing thoughtful gifts isn't actually relevant here.

It is for her to decide if the present was unsuitable because her DP couldn't be arsed or because they are crap at choosing gifts. Either way, she has to decide if it's a deal-breaker as they are unlikely to change much on this.

It's a close friend, and they were upset. I'm not going to talk about it to anyone else irl, am I?

Her last ltr was someone who was particularly unkind, so I suppose sniffing hints of the same would put one off.

@JenniferBarkley the OP said her friend likes bath bombs etc so what’s wrong with giving those as a gift? It just seems the starsign thing was the wrong thing - which could have been a genuine error.

It’s such a lazy gift to get your partner, it’s like a basic Avon gift set you’d give a great aunt. I would feel very unsure of the relationship if I was given that.

This

DH travelled the world for work. Decades ago I had to explain that on NO ACCOUNT should he ever buy me a clothes gift. Again. Puhlease.

He's a lovely guy and meant well so I didn't bother to add " I am not a size 8/ harlot/ peasant/ Greek/ African/ Asian and you have no fashion sense whatever".

Wrong sign aside, getting someone a horoscope themed present when they’ve shown no interest in star signs before is a massive no.

I can’t think of many people I know who are into star signs. And if you’re not into star signs, then anything zodiac-y is going to be incredibly cringe.

@ThatFraggle

Are you Ann?

I've got problems of my own, but a different flavour.