Who is being unreasonable - gift

[ThatFraggle]

Not about me, but friends. Person's partner bought them a gift set for a birthday. Think of something like a 'star sign' bundle. (The bundle is bought complete, and it was not someone shopping for different things to make a bundle).

Some of the things were bath bombs etc, which say things like 'grapefruit scented for a feisty Leo' or whatever, but can of course be used by anyone, but other things are, e.g. a Leo candle, a card that says strong Leo etc.

Except - 1.
They got the date wrong somehow and it's for the wrong starsign.

And - 2.

The person receiving the gift thinks horroscopes are a load of bollocks.

The person giving the gift says that they should be grateful/thankful to have been given a gift, and they spent like £50 on it.

The recipient says that the gift shows how little they think of them, and know them so little, that they are thinking of ending things. No kids involved. A couple of years relationship.

Exactly this. I'd say 'don't bother taking it back, they've probably just packaged the same stuff with 12 different signs', and, as you say, look at the rest of the relationship.

1. Knows gifts are important to the recipient and the giver has themselves received lovely, thoughtful gifts in line with their interests.

Like I said, high maintenance.

I think you're unreasonable here. If you're going to buy into the whole love languages thing, then you shouldn't expect gifts year round from someone whose love language isn't gifts - you should expect him to show you care and attention in his own way.

However, YANBU to think that a gift that shows he doesn't know your birthday or that you don't believe in the bollocks of astrology is hurtful. But YABU to expect something meaningful just because you enjoy going all out when you give presents to others.

The recipient doesn't mind bath bombs, candles, etc. but they are more of a meh, stocking filler sort of gift requiring little thought.

To her, they require little thought. But if she likes that kind of thing generally and has been pleased with them in the past from other people, then how was her boyfriend to know she thinks they're 'meh'? In his eyes, it's a nice gift.

Not to drop feed, but the recipient (Ann, fake names obvs) is known for getting people very thoughtful gifts, not necessarily expensive, but things which require a lot of thought. E.g. one friend (Jill) is a midwife. Jill kept in touch with the family of the first baby they delivered (Bonnie). So when Jill retired, Ann got a photo card of that first baby Bonnie with a nice message.

So, she's good at gifts, and her boyfriend isn't. Different skillsets, that's all. Just because she has a talent for thoughtful gifts, that doesn't mean everyone else is going to acquire that same talent.

But does anne do (you) do that for her partner?

This example.is bizarre.

But it's not a 'magical talent'. It's listening when people talk about what they like, then choosing a budget, and spending ten minutes online deciding what a person who likes ___ might appreciate.

@WildUnchartedWaters

Why so het up? Do you give shit gifts or receive them?

I'm not het up, I'm asking you a question you seem unable to answer.

I agree that a thoughtless gift shows a level of laziness and potentially contempt for the relationship. If it was part of a wider picture it might well be the final straw.

'Shit gifts' say it all in terms of a self-reveal. Whoops. If I gave my partner a £50 book about steam engines, and he got in a strop because it was about the wrong railway, or the wrong time period, and threw a flounce, I'd be really upset. In fact we have an institution in our relationship, where we 'write a note' to Santa (there are two, Santa Claus and Santa Birthday). That's partly because we don;t want to be setting traps, or hoops to jump through, because that's totally 100 per cent not what we want to be for each other. Still, I must not be judgmental. Different strokes for different folks, as my mum says. My partner was so pleased with a £60 Schuh voucher last birthday. He loves to choose shoes.

The recipient should just return the gift unused and suggest the donor save it for some future relationship.

DH is shit at buying gifts but he does really try. For example he's bought me things related to something I love, but are just a bit crap ie a game of thrones clock. I love clocks, I loved GOT, I did not want a GOT clock.

This sounds like the partner has tried (you say she likes bath bombs and candles etc), and tried to make it relevant to something (star sign) and got it wrong.

I can understand being a bit sad, but if Ann doesn't believe in star sighs she probably hasn't told him what hers is before, so he tried and got it wrong.

She gave it away pages ago when she started on about strange cards of babies. It's been clear throughout she thinks herself far superior than us mortals at gift buying.

I totally get why your friend is upset. DH is, quite frankly, mostly shit at gifts. And sometimes it does upset me. He means well and often buys things he genuinely thinks I'll love, and other times buys things because it's 10 minutes until the shops close the day before my birthday.

But in the bigger scheme of things, I let it go.

Although I DO also drop more than large hints when it's a birthday or event I really care about!

@GerbilsForever24

Although I DO also drop more than large hints when it's a birthday or event I really care about!

Well, this. Either that, or make it clear at the start of the relationship that mind-reading is a required ability.

Really shit gift and the fact that it was expensive actually makes it worse.

Buying a thoughtful gift is not about being a "mind reader".

Let me give you an example: for DH's 50th, DD and I worked on making him a personalised key ring and I had a special picture done. Neither of these are things he had ever thought about, but he absolutely loved them. What I DID do is think ahead.

If I don't specify that I want him to give it some thought, there is a 90% chance that DH will pop down to our local supermarket superstore, with the DC, the day before my birthday and come back with a selection of random items.

I do not think I should have to make major HINTS to ask him to put real effort in.

However, if I do want a very specific type of gift, then yes, of course I need to spell it out. As I did last birthday and he did, in fact, come through.

I'd probably be a bit miffed it was a LOT of money to be spending on something I can't keep, like not a physical object, but just 'bits'. I'd rather have a gift card or the money then random bits to make up an arbitrary total.

As for the wrong starsign I'd think that was hilariously inept, I wouldn't end a relationship over it. For the past 2 years I've got a lesbian Valentine's card (I'm a she and he's a he!) and a birthday card that was 3D pop up thing, but he didn't realise and thought the outer wrapper showing the 3D model was the actual card. He's a complete Muppet, but he loves me and wants to make me happy - its just that he misses the mark every time by a mile!

I really think there is a split between people who in a relationship, expect their significant others to performatively 'make an effort' and those who are easy going (not 'poor boundaries' by the way). My partner and I show each other that we care, and are genuinely interested in what the other thinks, wants, likes, etc, every minute of every hour of every day. Not just birthdays and Christmas. Are we so weird? Or is it the other type that are the weird ones? or is it just that everybody's different? I don't want to seem smug here.

My son is dead keen on astronomy, and when he was 13 my mother got him a big book about astrology! It didn't cost £50. I was a bit taken aback and worried that he'd take it amiss, but he took it well, thanked her very nicely, and actually read it right through. He said it was full of 'interesting beliefs'.

OK well 'Anne' seems quite pompous about her own gift giving and needs to relax about other people's efforts. What is missing that you think you need to get something off someone as a way of expressing love.

Hang on-let me get my Mumsnet reply hat on. "He's obviously amazing and wonderful and caring. Men just don't think about birthdays and presents- you should be grateful he got you anything at all. And anyway, surely grown ups don't celebrate birthdays." Did I tick all the boxes?

You ticked all my boxes, (and a few more) but I shall not say what they are.

You failed on that front.

It's a poor gift. It is highly rude to point that out as it is also a decent gift in that some people would love it and it cost a good amount. A poor gift is a silly reason to end a marriage. If the gift reflects a general lack of consideration or understanding in the relationship she should end the relationship because of the quality of the relationship. Not because she wanted a better gift.