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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP & time off work

96 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 19:34

DP & I been together 10 years. Don't currently live together as both have children from previous relationships and blended wouldn't have worked for us. Plan was to move in once youngest left college (in 2 years) but due to the following I'm not so sure.

Recently, one of my parents was diagnosed seriously ill and needed life threatening surgery that involved a period of rehab and recovery. They live 3 1/2 - 4 hour drive away. I arranged for my kids to stay with their Dad so I could go stay for a week to help during recovery. I asked DP about taking some time off work to come with me for practical and emotional support. DP said he couldn't take time off work as due to change jobs next month so in his notice period. He didn't even consider asking.

I think this is pretty crap tbh. When one of his parents was ill I used my flexible working pattern and lieu time to help take them to appointments and whatever else needed doing as, as far as im concerned, they needed help and i was able to provide it. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported. I think he could've at least asked - most half decent employers (which his boss is) would be considerate in the circumstances.

So - WIBU? DP for not being open to taking time off to support me and my parent? Or Me for expecting my partner to be there to support me and my family in the same way I would support them?

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/07/2023 19:40

If he is in his notice period, I think it's fair enough tbh. He might not have any accrued leave left, or he might have specific projects that he has agreed to finish for his employer before he goes.

I'm sorry that you're feeling unsupported in what sounds like a stressful situation, but I don't think he is necessarily being unreasonable.

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 19:46

Sorry - didn't mean to drip feed - he hasn't taken any leave this holiday year so has 8 days owing when he leaves

OP posts:

RunningOutOfZzzzzzs · 16/07/2023 19:47

If he was in his notice period he wouldn’t be able to use holiday, they’d be unlikely to give compassionate leave so would it be unpaid?

you taking his loved ones to appointments was a useful and needed service, he wouldn’t be doing anything similar, so I do understand him staying tbh. Wishing your parent a speedy recovery.

Coolhwip · 16/07/2023 19:49

He has 8 days leave, of course he can take leave in his notice period.

He is choosing not to.

He is happy to take but not so willing to live.

Take this as a warning and be very careful about moving in with him.

How does it work when you see him, does he come to yours? Do you cook for him? Does he contribute?

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 19:49

I think, to clarify, my issue is that he wouldn't even ask his boss, who is a reasonable and decent guy. If his boss said no that's different but he wouldn't consider asking.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 16/07/2023 19:50

Yes there is a small chance employer could have said no but he couldn’t even be bothered to ask a company he won’t be working for anymore. Because it was an easy excuse for him.

Denimdreams · 16/07/2023 19:53

Coolhwip · 16/07/2023 19:50

Yes there is a small chance employer could have said no but he couldn’t even be bothered to ask a company he won’t be working for anymore. Because it was an easy excuse for him.

I think there is a fairly big chance they would say no!
It would be close relative not partners parent.

I'm not sure why he would need to go as wel?
Would your DM want him there ?

UpaladderwatchingTV · 16/07/2023 19:55

I agree with you OP, to not even ask shows that he doesn't give a toss about supporting you or your parents. Obviously another one of those men who are happy to take but not to give. As another poster said, I'd be thinking twice about him moving in after this.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/07/2023 19:57

If he couldn't be bothered to at least ask that means he didn't want to do it at any cost so no YANBU to me.
He was perfectly fine to let you help him out but won't reciprocate, he's not so nice or dependable imo.
I wouldn't be able to trust in him for anything serious so I wouldn't move in with him ever.

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 20:01

Denimdreams · 16/07/2023 19:53

I think there is a fairly big chance they would say no!
It would be close relative not partners parent.

I'm not sure why he would need to go as wel?
Would your DM want him there ?

Show quote history

As I said, he didn't even ask. I think his boss would've said yes as DP has been an excellent employee for years. Maybe he wouldn't have though, which I could've accepted but in my opinion he didn't try - does that make me wrong?

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/07/2023 20:02

So - WIBU? DP for not being open to taking time off to support me and my parent? Or Me for expecting my partner to be there to support me and my family in the same way I would support them?

It doesn’t appear you are looking to be told you are being unreasonable here with the choices above. so why have you posted. Are you looking for reassurance that you are right and he’s wrong? Are you actually open to being told you are being unreasonable? Are you looking for justification to end things?

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 20:09

Can I ask a genuine question to anyone who thinks iabu - would it make a difference if we lived together / were married?

And re prev poster- maybe I would agree with anyone who said IWBU if they had a clear reason why he couldn't at least ask? I don't want to end things but it has made me question whether such different values can work together iwswim

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/07/2023 20:20

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 20:09

Can I ask a genuine question to anyone who thinks iabu - would it make a difference if we lived together / were married?

I think he’s given you the reason. He is in his notice period. You just don’t like the answer he gave you. I’m going to be honest I wouldn’t be willing to make waves at a critical juncture of my career to be emotional support in a situation like yours and personally wouldn’t ask another to do it. You may not understand this but even asking for things can cause issues. You mentioned you used your flexible working pattern to help out. That sounds nice. Is his job as flexible as yours?

What was his response when you asked him why he didn’t ask?

Is he qualified to give practical rehab support to a sick elderly woman? What emotional support needs to be in person that he couldn’t offer from home?

Also, yes I do think it matters that you are in an LTR vs. living as a family unit. But that is my opinion.

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 20:21

Sorry but in this situation I'd not necessarily see why he was needed.

Fair enough if there were complications, but you were there to support your DP, I'm not sure why you'd need emotional support for a week of that. I wouldn't say any different if you were married or living together.

Due to my age there are a lot of scenarios where DCs have to rush off and support DPs through things, it's always the actual DC who does it.

ThanksFun · 16/07/2023 20:26

I’ve been married 30 years and when my mum was ill recently I didn’t even consider asking dh to come with me. And even if I’d asked dh to come and he’d given the same answer as your dp, I would trust that he knew whether it was best to ask for the time off or not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/07/2023 20:31

The fact you are not married or live together would potentially make a difference for some employers op, yes. We wouldn’t grant any kind of paid leave for someone who was not a close relative so probably wouldn’t have in the case you are describing, for example. Also the fact he’s working his notice would make a difference for us too (less able to give time off as would need to ensure employee finished all outstanding work), but obvs it depends on the company.

pictoosh · 16/07/2023 20:35

I wouldn't ask this of my dh of 26 years. When my mum became ill and died a few weeks later of an aggressive cancer I did the care, support and visits alone. It didn't occur to me to ask dh...she wasn't his mum. Of course he was on hand to listen and offer comfort at any time on the phone...but his physical presence wasn't required.
Obviously we are very different fish OP but I think you're being unreasonable.

pictoosh · 16/07/2023 20:39

And damn I'm going to say it; I wouldn't want to spend a week of leave watching my dh watching his mum be ill. I'm very fond of my mil but I'm not her daughter. Of course I'd offer support...but a week off? Unlikely.

Denimdreams · 16/07/2023 20:40

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 20:01

Show quote history

I think it's a bit odd that you think he should be there as well.
Would your recovering DM want him around?
Possibly not if she is incapacitated.

Ragwort · 16/07/2023 20:47

I agree with others that unless there is something practical that your DP can do I don't understand why you need him with you. My DF died recently... there was nothing my DH could have done and quite honestly it was better that my DM and I just had time alone together in my DF's last few days ...
I have been the 'spare part' during my DH's family's illnesses/deaths and whilst I am happy to do practical tasks I just don't think it's appropriate or necessary to intrude on family at such a sensitive time.

Original poster

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 20:51

I didn't say i asked him for a week. He could've asked for a couple of days, either at beginning of week or end. He could've, for example, got train up Thursday morning and I drive us back this morning when I came home ( his child with Mum this weekend before anyone asks).

Parent is not incapacitated incontinent bedbound etc but cannot be left unsupervised. Practical support could've been things like going to collect prescriptions, small amounts of shopping etc - parent lives v remote, 20 mins drive from nearest small shop, 30-40 from nearest town and advice was for them to not be unattended for long periods - if family couldn't stay, they would've had to go to a respite hospice. As it was, I had to ask neighbours to come sit with them while I'll collected meds, grabbed a few shopping bits etc.

Brother & his wife are there next week, I'm back week after.

But it appears that I am a little unreasonable from some of the responses. Which I must admit surprises me, but fair enough.

OP posts:

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 16/07/2023 20:54

Is he usually not reciprocal? Takes more than he gives? I think its more of an issue if its a pattern, and that is what he is like, rather than a one off.

fluffi · 16/07/2023 20:57

I think it’s unreasonable for you to expect this, regardless of notice period.

I would not expect my partner to use up their annual leave in this situation, given they would be very limited practical support, DC care is already covered.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 16/07/2023 20:58

Did he ask you to help with his parents?

Lemons1571 · 16/07/2023 20:58

Bear in mind that there will be lots of posters who have never been in your position. They’re telling you what they think they’d do in the same position. Often very different to what you actually need when you’re slap bang in the middle of the storm. There’s really nothing wrong with needing him there just because that’s what you need, it doesn’t always have to be logical.

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