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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP & time off work

96 replies

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 19:34

DP & I been together 10 years. Don't currently live together as both have children from previous relationships and blended wouldn't have worked for us. Plan was to move in once youngest left college (in 2 years) but due to the following I'm not so sure.

Recently, one of my parents was diagnosed seriously ill and needed life threatening surgery that involved a period of rehab and recovery. They live 3 1/2 - 4 hour drive away. I arranged for my kids to stay with their Dad so I could go stay for a week to help during recovery. I asked DP about taking some time off work to come with me for practical and emotional support. DP said he couldn't take time off work as due to change jobs next month so in his notice period. He didn't even consider asking.

I think this is pretty crap tbh. When one of his parents was ill I used my flexible working pattern and lieu time to help take them to appointments and whatever else needed doing as, as far as im concerned, they needed help and i was able to provide it. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported. I think he could've at least asked - most half decent employers (which his boss is) would be considerate in the circumstances.

So - WIBU? DP for not being open to taking time off to support me and my parent? Or Me for expecting my partner to be there to support me and my family in the same way I would support them?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 16/07/2023 22:34

It sounds tough OP, but I thought you were only there for the week. What is happening for the following weeks ?

Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 22:34

Hospital would only discharge if 1-2-1 supervision available. If condition continue care home or live in carers will be put in place but it is hoped surgery will alleviate worst of the symptoms and minimise risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 22:36

rookiemere · 16/07/2023 22:34

It sounds tough OP, but I thought you were only there for the week. What is happening for the following weeks ?

Brother is there with his wife for a week, then I go back, by which time we should know if surgery successful and support can be reduced.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 16/07/2023 22:37

Prescription aside, all other shopping you could've got on your way there so wasn't really a need for you to leave either if you'd prepared.

WandaWonder · 16/07/2023 22:40

I don't see why it takes 2 people to what you need to do? You didn't have to take time off and no I don't buy this 'well I decided I am going to do a lot because I chose and if you don't do the same you are wrong' from either partner

Londonlassy · 16/07/2023 23:01

@WandaWonder. I agree. Unreasonable Expectation DP takes a week off work so OP doesn’t have to have a late night shower and because DP may need to run into town once in the week to go to the shops.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 16/07/2023 23:18

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 22:11

The reality of my week has been having to be awake from 5am when parent starts waking up, having to go for a wee with door open so I can hear them, showering at 11pm when they're asleep, asking nearest neighbours to sit with them while I nip out for a few bits & prescription. Having someone there to assist with supervising would have been a huge help. Thankfully it should only be for a few more weeks.

If he had asked & been told no or unpaid only I would feel differently.

Can I see his point of view? Yes. Can he see mine though?

It sounds exhausting but I'm afraid I don't think it was appropriate to ask your DP to take annual leave to come and support you.

I can't even imagine asking DH to come and help me in that situation. My parents wouldn't want him there anyway as he's not their child, and I wouldn't want to put him in that kind of position either.

FreeBagofB00ks · 16/07/2023 23:20

To put into perspective

Does anyone have a good friend that would take a week off work to do something similar, several miles away ?

It is a big ask

StarDolphins · 16/07/2023 23:25

Denimdreams · 16/07/2023 19:53

I think there is a fairly big chance they would say no!
It would be close relative not partners parent.

I'm not sure why he would need to go as wel?
Would your DM want him there ?

Show quote history

He wouldn’t be asking for compassionate leave, he’d be using a few days of his owed holidays so I would see no reason for his employers to say no based n your reasoning.

Deathbyfluffy · 17/07/2023 00:01

Coolhwip · 16/07/2023 19:49

He has 8 days leave, of course he can take leave in his notice period.

He is choosing not to.

He is happy to take but not so willing to live.

Take this as a warning and be very careful about moving in with him.

How does it work when you see him, does he come to yours? Do you cook for him? Does he contribute?

Impressive how you know the employers policy, without even knowing where he works 🙄

Daffidale · 17/07/2023 00:17

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 22:11

The reality of my week has been having to be awake from 5am when parent starts waking up, having to go for a wee with door open so I can hear them, showering at 11pm when they're asleep, asking nearest neighbours to sit with them while I nip out for a few bits & prescription. Having someone there to assist with supervising would have been a huge help. Thankfully it should only be for a few more weeks.

If he had asked & been told no or unpaid only I would feel differently.

Can I see his point of view? Yes. Can he see mine though?

This sound really tough OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

have you explained the above to your DP? that you really need someone else around to help with the practical stuff.

Did he know the reality of the help you needed or did he maybe think you were just asking for some moral/emotional support?

did you suggest the compromise of him just taking a day or two off at the end of the week, or just joining you for the weekend?

I’ve spent a lot of time looking after elderly parents and generally my DH didn’t come with me (similar distance - 4 hrs ish drive). For that reason in the face of it from your OP I would say YABU. But I generally had practical help available. In your situation as you’ve explained it more in the thread I would probably have asked him to come with me. I’d have understood if he didn’t though. It’s a lot to ask

I think you need to talk to him properly about the kind of support you expect from a life partner, and why you feel let down. You are in a long term relationship and they take work and communication. If there is a gap in what you expect of each other you need to talk about it, not just dump him.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 17/07/2023 01:06

Does he have a professional job, OP? Do you?

If he is in a professional role where he essentially manages his own workload, as opposed to the kind of job where his boss manages the cover for him when he isn't there, then I can totally see why he might not have even asked for leave. He knows what needs doing in the time that he's got left, and so he already knows whether or not he can accommodate some time off.

In that kind of job, his boss might well have agreed to him taking the time off, but if he knew it wasn't feasible to take it and get everything done in time, then there would be no point in asking.

If you work in the kind of role where your work doesn't mount up for you when you're not there, then I can see why you might think that it's worth an ask. But he might well be stressed about everything he needs to get done before he goes and feel that he hasn't got the capacity to take time off right now.

LadyJ2023 · 17/07/2023 02:11

I wouldn't expect my hubby to do this in his last days of work. I would want him to come out with a good reference etc for his next job.

IceCreamQueen86 · 17/07/2023 03:29

cuppaandabiscuit · 16/07/2023 19:46

Sorry - didn't mean to drip feed - he hasn't taken any leave this holiday year so has 8 days owing when he leaves

So those 8 days will be paid out & maybe he’s budgeted with that in mind? Do you know anything about his finances?

Pawpatrolsucks · 17/07/2023 03:34

He didn’t ask because he didn’t want to. It’s up to him how he uses his annual leave. You need to remember this when he asks for help. I don’t know if I would end the relationship over just this, but you know where you stand with him.

Nugg · 17/07/2023 04:11

We had a minor family emergency at a similar distance when I was working my notice last year. Due to prior work commitments there was no way I could take any leave during my notice, I had to be paid for 12 days and tag 5 onto my notice as well take them when I left. Sometimes it's not possible, you know this without even asking.

It's not a deal breaker for me OP. Maybe if there are other concerns around commitment.

4weeknoalcohol · 17/07/2023 04:48

Did he come and help on his days off? If not then I would have felt like he didn’t care.

Charley50 · 17/07/2023 05:11

I think YABU. It was a big ask and I think it's fine that he said no. Tbh I think he was unreasonable to ask you to do stuff for his parents when you would usually be at work, but you could have said no to him as well.

The situation with your parent sounds stressful but you were able to ask neighbours to sit with them. What would happen if they were left alone in a chair or bed for an hour?

countrygirl99 · 17/07/2023 05:37

I work for a large company where you aren't allowed to book leave once you have handed in your notice. If he knows that's the policy where he works there wouldn't be any point him asking.

Denimdreams · 17/07/2023 05:38

StarDolphins · 16/07/2023 23:25

He wouldn’t be asking for compassionate leave, he’d be using a few days of his owed holidays so I would see no reason for his employers to say no based n your reasoning.

Show quote history

In the context of taking immediately.
There is usually a period of notice required-you can't just take leave anytime you fancy it unless an emergency.
So close relative emergency -yes.
Partners relative -no

LightSpeeds · 17/07/2023 07:17

"DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported."

Just the fact that he thinks you're 'unreasonable' for feeling upset, given the circumstances, would have me thinking VERY HARD about whether to continue the relationship. He's not supporting you in very difficult circumstances - what does this say about him and about what you can expect in the future.

(And surely a job you're leaving is no longer a priority!?)

janeyredlion · 17/07/2023 08:32

pictoosh
And damn I'm going to say it; I wouldn't want to spend a week of leave watching my dh watching his mum be ill. I'm very fond of my mil but I'm not her daughter. Of course I'd offer support...but a week off? Unlikely

Where are all these posters getting a week off from? OP said a couple of days. But this is AIBU where people don't let the facts get in the way of sticking the boot in

OP I'd be so disappointed if a partner of ten years was so reluctant to put themselves out to support me when I needed it.

PP's are completely missing the humanity in your post and making it all about how you "can" manage the situation, therefore you should. But you have a partner, a long-term partner, and it's a normal expectation (in the real world!) that they would do what they can to be supportive. Sometimes what they can do is still not enough. But the emotional refuelling from knowing that they have tried, they care, you are loved and valued etc, helps human beings to plod on, to manage in stressful times. By not being willing to even consider an adjustment to his own life he has shown his true colours.

ZenNudist · 17/07/2023 08:44

YABU. It's very needy expecting him to take holiday for this practical matter. It's the kind of thing you do on your own when you are married.

If you have separate households he's probably looking forward to the holiday pay.

Coolhwip · 17/07/2023 09:19

Deathbyfluffy · 17/07/2023 00:01

Impressive how you know the employers policy, without even knowing where he works 🙄

Show quote history

OP herself has said the employer will likely say yes, rolly eyes.

pictoosh · 17/07/2023 09:43

@janeyredlion

It wasn't my intention to stick the boot in.

The OP said "I arranged for my kids to stay with their Dad so I could go stay for a week to help during recovery. I asked DP about taking some time off work to come with me for practical and emotional support."

Reads like a week off was the expectation to me.
She mentioned she was looking for a couple of days later on.