DP & time off work

[cuppaandabiscuit]

DP & I been together 10 years. Don't currently live together as both have children from previous relationships and blended wouldn't have worked for us. Plan was to move in once youngest left college (in 2 years) but due to the following I'm not so sure.

Recently, one of my parents was diagnosed seriously ill and needed life threatening surgery that involved a period of rehab and recovery. They live 3 1/2 - 4 hour drive away. I arranged for my kids to stay with their Dad so I could go stay for a week to help during recovery. I asked DP about taking some time off work to come with me for practical and emotional support. DP said he couldn't take time off work as due to change jobs next month so in his notice period. He didn't even consider asking.

I think this is pretty crap tbh. When one of his parents was ill I used my flexible working pattern and lieu time to help take them to appointments and whatever else needed doing as, as far as im concerned, they needed help and i was able to provide it. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported. I think he could've at least asked - most half decent employers (which his boss is) would be considerate in the circumstances.

So - WIBU? DP for not being open to taking time off to support me and my parent? Or Me for expecting my partner to be there to support me and my family in the same way I would support them?

I think what's happening is you put your needs aside for him. You notice when he needs 'rescuing' and change your behaviour to make sure his needs are met before yours are.

He doesn't behave like that. He puts his own needs first.
Unfortunately women are socialised to look after the needs of men. Also, when we become mothers we have to put the baby's needs first, so we head off even further down that path.

Men won't 'notice' and then offer assistance. Because they've likely had a woman in their lives who is rallying around them 'mothering' in the background.

Whereas some of we women are watching for fragility and what part of their partner or child needs mothering and then zoom in and offer to help.

So not only has he refused to help, he thinks you are unreasonable to be upset?

Well he sounds like a selfish arse.

You do not have to make any decisions now, but I absolutely would be taking this information on board and storing it.

What is the balance and reprocosity like in the relationship.

Does it balance out?

Do you give and he happily takes?

If so, definitely reflect.

Balance is very important.

I wonder have you noticed this before in him but this has brought it into full focus for you?

You would be wise to take note.

I don’t think anyone else has picked up on the fact that OP’s brother is getting help from his wife when it’s his turn to look after OP’s mum. That’s interesting that most people think OP is unreasonable for expecting some help from her partner too.

The partner was given a choice of upsetting an employer he’s leaving anyway (obviously they annoyed him somehow or he would stay) or upsetting OP who’s going through a rough time. I wouldn’t LTB over that, the timing just sucks, but nothing wrong with feeling a little hurt.

I don’t think anyone else has picked up on the fact that OP’s brother is getting help from his wife when it’s his turn to look after OP’s mum. That’s interesting that most people think OP is unreasonable for expecting some help from her partner too.

People are ignoring the situation with OP's brother because it isn't relevant. We don't know their situation, whether they both work or have children or how far away they live from the parent.

@cuppaandabiscuit

I'm sorry the week has been so stressful

I do wonder if practically it has been a little more difficult than it needed to be. You initially said that the advice was not to leave your parent alone for extended periods - this feels like a 10 minute shower or even a 40 minute trip to the shops might be OK.

Like others, I do think there is a difference between moving flexible hours around to help with local in-law appointments, and taking leave from work to provide emotional (and possibly a small amount of practical) support. The first I would do gladly, the second I would be less likely to do unless there were additional needs (e.g. one of my family members has ASD). If there were a clear practical task that my help was needed with, that would probably be different.

I hope you manage some rest during your 'off' week, and your parent continues to recover.

It's unusual in my experience for both people to go. But we have no idea of the SILs circumstances, if she isn't working then she would be much more able to come along.

OP has not said her partner thinks she is unreasonable for feeling upset, but that he thinks she is unreasonable for feeling 'let down and unsupported'.

Many on the thread agree with his level of support in this scenario.

I can understand why you are feeling a bit let down and disappointed in your partner. I would be too. Maybe he could come at the weekend.

Ok, he also can't see that she's upset! No point mincing over words. A partner's job is to support you in times of difficulty (regardless of the issue).

Semantics IMO.

It sounds like such a stressful time for you OP, hope your mum is recovering well!

I do think your expectations in this scenario are a bit unreasonable here though.

If your DP works in any kind of professional or corporate role, during his notice period he should be working to handover to his replacement and leave his projects in a good state, so that he leaves on good terms (smart conscientious employees do this to ensure a good reference, or in case they ever need to work for that same employer again). Asking to take leave during your notice period for helping a partners parent out would be seen to be taking the absolute piss in the corporate world.

I think it would be reasonable to ask him to come and spend the weekend at your parents place with you, for light practical
and emotional support, but not to ask for time off work for this…. Sorry OP.

And in my opinion (and likely that of many employers) I do think it makes a bit of a difference that you are partners who do not cohabitate, rather than a married couple. That may not be fair but that is how many workplace policies would view this.

And gently…. Is 100% true that your Mum can’t be left unattended for 10-20mins at a time? Even in a respite facility she would not have someone sat by her side for every minute of every day

You made some great points @roseotter Asking to take leave during your notice period for helping a partners parent out would be seen to be taking the absolute piss in the corporate world. And And gently…. Is 100% true that your Mum can’t be left unattended for 10-20mins at a time? Even in a respite facility she would not have someone sat by her side for every minute of every day

I think this might be it too. Given that you don't even live together or have dc together it would just look like an excuse during the notice period. Maybe he wants to be paid out his leave rather than do use the leave. Sorry about your mum op , can he come over the weekend?

A partner's job is to support you in times of difficulty (regardless of the issue).

Yes, but as this thread shows, people have very different ideas of what "support" means. I would never expect DH to take time off work to help me care for my mum - and equally he'd never ask me to take time off work to care for his mum.

I would support him in other ways - maybe by picking up more jobs around the house, or being there for him to vent to after work. I'd also happily be on the end of the phone if he needed support that way.

If my mum was unwell I'd honestly never even consider asking DH to take time off.

I am exactly the same as you. It’s very timely as DH has gone to support his mum who suddenly became poorly. I didn’t consider going with him and he wouldn’t consider asking. I have obviously reassured him I’m holding the fort at home and texting and phoning to check in and be supportive.

But is your DH in the same situation as OP? Sounds like she could have done with his suppoer instead of relying on neighbours.

The reality of my week has been having to be awake from 5am when parent starts waking up, having to go for a wee with door open so I can hear them, showering at 11pm when they're asleep, asking nearest neighbours to sit with them while I nip out for a few bits & prescription. Having someone there to assist with supervising would have been a huge help. Thankfully it should only be for a few more weeks.

When one of his parents was ill I used my flexible working pattern and lieu time to help take them to appointments and whatever else needed doing as, as far as im concerned, they needed help and i was able to provide it. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported.

Will be interesting to see if he feels let down and unsupported next time he needs your help and you say no.

Yes practical support would be useful to him but life goes on. We can’t have 2 adults taking care of 1 sick parent. It’s tough on him - and the OP - but temporary.
Many of us get to an age when we have sick parents and it’s not practical for more than 1 person to down tools unless it’s a crisis situation.

Hopefully my SILs will get there to relieve my DH, similar to the OP’s situation - at least there is a sibling to share some of it with.

Another who thinks your expectations are unreasonable.
No, it wouldn't make a difference if you were married/ living together.

He wasn't needed, and it would be difficult for him to be there. Potentially, (obviously I don't know the dynamic, but from life experience generally) if your Mum is recovering and probably feeling vulnerable, him being there wouldn't have been helpful anyway, but it certainly wouldn't be expected, no.

@UsingChangeofName them being married would make (some) difference to the perception of the request for time off (and entitlement to take to take leave for this reason) though… which may explain why the DP doesn’t want to ask his employer… because “I know I’m working my notice but can I have a few days off to help my partner look after her sick mum” really would come across to be taking the piss, and look like he was making excuses to not have to work his notice

@roseotter
Sorry, yes, I perhaps didn't phrase that well.
I meant, for me, even if you were married I still don't think that it would be reasonable to expect leave for this circumstance.