DP & time off work

[cuppaandabiscuit]

DP & I been together 10 years. Don't currently live together as both have children from previous relationships and blended wouldn't have worked for us. Plan was to move in once youngest left college (in 2 years) but due to the following I'm not so sure.

Recently, one of my parents was diagnosed seriously ill and needed life threatening surgery that involved a period of rehab and recovery. They live 3 1/2 - 4 hour drive away. I arranged for my kids to stay with their Dad so I could go stay for a week to help during recovery. I asked DP about taking some time off work to come with me for practical and emotional support. DP said he couldn't take time off work as due to change jobs next month so in his notice period. He didn't even consider asking.

I think this is pretty crap tbh. When one of his parents was ill I used my flexible working pattern and lieu time to help take them to appointments and whatever else needed doing as, as far as im concerned, they needed help and i was able to provide it. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling let down and unsupported. I think he could've at least asked - most half decent employers (which his boss is) would be considerate in the circumstances.

So - WIBU? DP for not being open to taking time off to support me and my parent? Or Me for expecting my partner to be there to support me and my family in the same way I would support them?

Yes he did

I have been in the same situation and no I didn’t ask my DH to rearrange his work schedule to travel with me. But nice try at discrediting those who don’t agree with the OP

Personally I do think YABU and that wouldn’t change whether you were married or lived together. If I had to do stuff to help my parents I wouldn’t expect my partner to be involved and I don’t consider things to do with his parents are anything to do with me so if the roles were reversed I’d leave him to it. I’d give/expect support if they died but short of that no I wouldn’t expect him to be involved.

If you are asking for reason in AIBU then you're in for disappointment. Some posters just lurk here to be horrible. And you can tell from some of their replies just what kind of people they are.
Of course you aren't wrong to expect some support from your DP. How anyone can say you aren't is beyond me. He accepted your support didn't he, when he needed it. And yet it seems your perfectly reasonable expectation that he may help you in return has been met with refusal.
It's not that his boss may refuse, it's sadly that he actually doesn't want to help you. That's why he hasn't asked him.
OP, there are are two kind of people in this world. Givers and takers. I think we can guess which camp he falls into. And no matter what some of these other posters seem to think, I'd be doubting and reconsidering this relationship.

You said you took advantage of your flexible work schedule. Did you have ask for time off?

You never did say what his response was when you asked him why he didn’t ask for time off

That sort of makes a difference I think.

He wanted help with his parents from you but he won't do the same for you and your parents.

Guess you'll know what to say next time he asks

I have been in this position and I can't really see why someone not related would need to go as well?
Meds and shopping can be delivered.
Is he being paid for the AL as he's working his notice,maybe he doesn't want to use it rather than be paid for it?

I had to clear it with my boss yes as I worked compressed hours for a couple of weeks. I accept my job at the time allowed that flexibility though.

And when I asked him earlier why he didn't even ask he said he just didn't think he should.

Sorry OP but I think you are being unreasonable. If I was an employer I would not allow a new starter to take leave to support a partner who is supporting her parents i think this request is an absolute stretch of what I would consider compassionate leave. I suspect your DP thinks the same hence why he won’t make the request

He's in his notice period. He hasn't started the new job yet. He didn't seem to have a problem asking OP for her time when he needed help did he?

If he'd asked and boss had said only unpaid that would've been different.

Pharmacy doesn't deliver regularly to parent home due to how remote it is and it was an unscheduled prescription. Likewise can't get small food deliveries - can't even get uber eats or delivered there. But yeah I do accept the practical support was not massive, maybe sitting with parent while I showered (instead of me having to wait til they were asleep) or going to shop for bread milk eggs and cheese (for example).

OP,

I think you have just seen the real him.

I think his behaviour is very poor.

He most certainly hasn't your back, even for a few days.

Words are cheap, actions are what you go by.

You see really who a person is when things get tough.

His boss most likely would have said yes.
He knows this.

He just doesn't want to put himself out.

Ten years you are together and you helped his parents and he couldn't even halp for a few days.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Then that’s your answer then. His judgment (which as others have explained) was that the timing was bad for his job.

Only you decide if this is a turning point for your relationship. I don’t really have an opinion because I don’t know your relationship. I am glad to hear your willing to take on different perspectives, though.

I’m also sorry your mum is sick. That is a stressful time regardless of other things going on.

Which is also a bit of my caution to you. It sounds like no immediate decisions need to be made with your relationship. Get a little further removed from this illness and then talk to him. I’m guessing you’re both carrying a lot right now.

This.

I meant as he has taken it he will be paid for it in his final wages.
I still think it's strange that a partner would take time off to go with you.

It was you that was wanting the support

It was not his direct relative that required the support

I am not excusing his behaviour, but perhaps he thought that he could not offer any practical help, but he would be on the end of the phone

Hasn't!!!

I wouldn’t have asked him to come.

I'm reading your OP as though you took time off to actually help the elderly relative, whereas you asked your DP to take time off to support you.

I think it's a small but significant difference. I've sorted my day around to help take my in-laws to appointments or to pick up a prescription, but I wouldn't really consider taking time off to work to support DH while he did those things.

You also say your parent lives four hours away - I assume if you're helping DP's parents to appointments that they're fairly nearby? I do think that's fairly significant too - my in-laws are round the corner so helping them is easy, but my own parents are a fair drive away so it's a much bigger commitment.

I don't think I would expect DH to take time off to help me in your situation, regardless of the work situation. I wouldn't take time off work if I was asked either, I have to say.

What exactly would you want him to do?
Help nurse your mother? Not everyone would be good at that and would be a bit strange.
Do you just want him to talk to? You can always phone.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast. Completely agree. This leave request is not really about elderly parents it’s about OP. I would not ask DH to take leave in this situation and nor would DH ask me

The reality of my week has been having to be awake from 5am when parent starts waking up, having to go for a wee with door open so I can hear them, showering at 11pm when they're asleep, asking nearest neighbours to sit with them while I nip out for a few bits & prescription. Having someone there to assist with supervising would have been a huge help. Thankfully it should only be for a few more weeks.

If he had asked & been told no or unpaid only I would feel differently.

Can I see his point of view? Yes. Can he see mine though?

If your mum needs that much supervision then I think rehab hospice sounds more appropriate.

I mean it’s unlikely they’d 1:1 constant care in a facility. So maybe you’re overreacting a little bit to their needs?

They’d have*

I recently changed jobs and during my notice period had certain projects/tasks that I had to either complete or get to a certain stage then hand over.

It was really stressful abs I ended up working late some evenings.

I wouldn't have asked for annual leave during this period in your DPs shoes either, even if I thought my employer would have said yes because it would've only added to my stress levels.

I don't think he did anything wrong.