To be struggling with the very idea of exercise

[frumpalert]

I used to be superfit, 100lbs, fell runner. I then became ill, and have spent 10 years trying to get help from an NHS that repeatedly told me I was delusional or exaggerating. Finally been diagnosed and am due to have major surgery soon. But in the meantime, I've been so unwell that I've been confined to bed for long periods and put on 93lbs, meaning I am now nearly 200lbs, clinically obese, a size 16 and very severely depressed (my career is in the toilet, and I am on drugs that pull your mood down).

I have been told my likelihood of recovering from the op, which as I said is major surgery with a 3 month recovery, will improve if I diet and exercise, which I know is good advice. But I hate my body and even though I used to love running I now feel completely humiliated at the idea of going out in public and exercising.

Just getting out of the door is a huge hurdle. It's not the exercise, it's the feeling of utter humiliation and worry about the comments and looks I might get. As a former runner, I know this is A Thing.

A giant factor is that I cannot find clothing that I feel comfortable in. A lot of the plus size ranges are skimpy bras and tight leggings with a bare midriff. Don't get me wrong, it works for loads of women and they look great, but it absolutely does not work for me. AT ALL. I just feel ridiculous and the very idea of going out like that makes me feel like crying. (I am 45 and very pale so exposed skin isn't a great idea practically either. Yes, I really lucked out in the genetic lottery!!)

A lot of other ranges are just the same garments for thin women but in larger sizes. This means that cut off points don't cover my bum or my bits. I never dress like that for a reason. I would feel much more comfortable with something that came down to mid thigh, but a lot of the fitness dresses have tight tops and I look like a horribly bundled sack of potatoes in them. I cried in Decathlon when I tried theirs on today.

I am at a point where I'm just considering buying an XXL mens T-shirt for running and using that, but it will be baggy in weird places. I'm hoping that someone on here has some advice to help me. Please don't tell me to put my big girl pants on and put up with skimpiness, I just absolutely do not have the emotional strength to do that at this point.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear all of that and I hope you are getting some help with your depression and hope your surgery goes well!

I run a lot and I run in baggy mens t shirts all the time (I'm slim so it's not just a thing for bigger women). I know what you mean about looks and judgement- I also happen to live in an area with a large % of a highly religious community which is perhaps one of the reasons I wear baggy t shirts as it helps reduce the looks. But I also hate the skimpy things when exercising as they make me self conscious.
I would also suggest that whilst your immediate thought as a former runner is to go running, maybe you could start rebuilding confidence and fitness by going for long walks first, maybe some hills or maybe cycling etc. Going from not much exercise to running can be daunting and, if it doesn't go well the first time, demotivating which could put you off doing any more.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you have been through a lot over the last few years - please go easy on yourself.

Honestly, if I were you I would avoid running for the moment - it may be too harsh on your joints and you will be too self conscious like you said. But there are so many other exercises you can do at home, where nobody is watching and judging, and you can wear whatever is comfortable and it doesn't matter.

Actually I would focus on diet at first, and just gently introduce exercise after a while. But there are some great cardio or beginner weights workouts on youtube, just try a few and find an instructor you like - it's totally free and you can do it whenever you have time. Eventually it would be good to build up strength with weights, but just get your body moving with low impact stuff at first so as not to injure yourself.

Here's a 20 minute low impact cardio workout to try -

I suppose it's avoiding rather than confronting the problem, but if you can afford them would something like Zwift or Peloton work for you?

I am in exactly - and I mean exactly - the same boat as you. I have lupus and all sorts of health issues and I’m 4.5 stone overweight, after being very slim all of my life. I’m on steroids and I just can’t lose the weight easily. I’ve got an operation in the next month or so.

What I will say is try and do some you tube fitness videos. This is what I’ve been doing. There are lots, walking ones, dance ones, low impact ones (I can’t do high impact) and so on. It’s really hard to be motivated but I’d rather do that than go out right now.

Also, for fitness plus size stuff look at Yours and Asos. Yours also do a lot of longer length tops that work well with basic leggings for exercise. At size 16 you’re right at the lower end of their range but it’s worth a look - I’m a size 18/20 and I always up size for an oversized look anyway which is fashionable at the moment.

I am sorry you have been suffering too. But, meant kindly and gently, people really will not give you more than a moment's thought out there running. You are not that important to them...they have their own shit in their own lives.

If I see an overweight/obese person exercising/running I may give them a tiny thought (mostly good on them) but seriously, that is it. Nothing else.

I run. Slowly. But 4 times a week at 6am. Rarely see anyone else apart from dogwalkers and the odd other runner. Oh and people in cars...meh. And some nearly all of the other runner overtake me. If they judge me for my slowness do you think that says anything about me? No. It says something about them.

So please, just get on any old kit. Get out there. (Happy to friend you on strava if it helps).

There are exercise clothing ranges for Muslim and orthodox Jewish women which may meet your requirements for being longer length and less fitted.

OP, You don't need special clothes to exercise in, all you need is a baggy tshirt, whether male or female. Yours or Simply Be sell a good range and often have stuff in the sale.

I understand judgement, but I had to decide long ago not to let these bitches get under my skin, or I would never have taken my daughter swimming when on holiday

1. Don't go running. It's too high impact on the joints for where you are right now. This will only be exacerbated by your past as keen runner, as you'll set overly-ambitious targets. You've been through the milll as it is. Don't add running injuries to it.

2. Don't look in the sportswear section. Get a women's sizing lightweight cotton t-shirt from the everyday wear section.

Sorry you’re feeling crap OP. As someone who is bigger but working on being smaller I have never found it difficult to find nice work out wear. I’m currently a size 16 and have picked up nice bits from H&M and the other usual sports retailers. I don’t think you should obsess about covering your bum particularly- I think outfits are more flattering if they skim rather than flap around. For running I would wear the long line cycle shorts from H&M with one of their co-ordinarily tops. For weights I was wearing oversized T shirts from Primark but I don’t feel the need to hide my shape anymore. As a previous poster has said maybe start off by walking although I do weights, Pilates, ride an bike and swim a lot with a bit of running thrown in.

( as an aside I have always admired runners when I’ve been out and about. I’m not naturally a runner but the times I have run I have never encountered any negativity. Either you have been privy to some very unfortunate stories or your illness / medication is disproportionately affecting your thoughts on this issue. The majority of people do not care about a middle aged woman exercising. )

Wow, thank you all so much for these brilliant suggestions. So sorry to hear of the experiences of others in the same boat - it is really hard, and I am sending you love and solidarity.

I will check all these suggestions out, and I do mean all of them, thank you. I do hear many of you on doing things at home and I have been exercising on a stepper and a rowing machine indoors in my underwear (with the curtains closed of course)!! But part of me misses running outdoors. Another part of me is terrified at the idea though, and painfully self-conscious.

The workout clothes for muslim/Jewish women is particularly a superb idea - I will check that out.

Just to clarify the comments thing, I haven't run for 10 years or so, so I may be out of date! But when I was thinner I had lots of men (of all ages) yelling horrible things at me - both sexual and just plain aggressive - and one time someone actually grabbed me on the street. However, I am much less visible in my 40s than I was in my 20s/early 30s so it might well have changed a bit. I am definitely finding other things have changed - I'm still getting on top of all the apps and devices there are these days to help you out!! I still don't know what half the buttons on my smart watch do.

Also, a lot of the public comment/gaze thing is on me. I am not feeling confident or strong right now and I am ridiculously thin-skinned. The smallest act of aggression or negativity makes me cry. I need to woman up, but it's hard while I'm on drugs that cause really low mood and all kinds of hormonal upheaval.

(when I say I have been exercising, I mean for the last 2 weeks, not any longer! Just realised the way I put that is really confusing).

Oh and M&S have a nice fitness range too…. Usually some nice leggings.

If it was me I would first focus on diet and just go for walks.

once your comfortable maybe start couch to 5k. This is what I did. I also put a playlist on Spotify earphones in and then I can’t hear anybody! They can shout what they like I’m oblivious.

clothing. I usually wear leggings, sports bra and a vest too over the top when it’s cooler outside I wear a long sleeved gym top.

I don’t like skimpy clothes because like you there’s certain parts of my body I just don’t like so I don’t show them off.

you can get lots of long sleeves gym tops or T-shirts in places like sports direct

I identify with a lot of what you have said. A few years ago I was very slim, quite muscular, ran 4-5 times per week, pretty speedy, could go a fair distance. Since then I’ve developed lupus and ache after just walking to the shop. I desperately miss exercise but doing it ruins me. I do try though - I know it will help my mobility if I manage it. I have put on some weight - now a doughy size 14 with very little muscle. It’s so hard to keep your weight down when you can’t move anywhere near as much as you used to isn’t it?

However, just do it. Nobody is looking, nobody really cares what you’re doing as they’re all too busy thinking about themselves. If it helps your self esteem, the really high waisted leggings from Gymshark are brilliant for sucking everything in whilst being comfortable (get them from Vinted as they’re not cheap). Team them with whatever to makes you feel comfortable. If that’s a giant mens T-shirt then that is fine. I tend to go for a fitted ladies running top but not a tight compression one as I hate my lumps and bumps in those at the moment. You can get looser ones that skim instead of cling.

Practically, take it slowly. Just building up walking for faster and longer will help. Running is hard so if you really want to do it, walk/run will be better on your joints. Low impact gym stuff like a cross trainer would probably be better. Swimming is good too but I hate it.

good luck and let us know how you get on.

Big hugs to you, what a journey. I wonder if you find something different to running that makes you feel as you did when you ran? I used to be a runner and as I’ve got older have fallen in love with strength training/crossfit which is super adaptive as to where you are in your post op recovery. Also it is a new benchmark so no comparisons in how you previously ran, which is kinder on your soul!
I like lululemon and sweaty Betty for gym stuff, and the Nike plus size shorts and tops are lovely .

I joined a running group last year that were doing the couch to 5km for new members. It is a great fun inclusive group. Might be worth seeing if there is anything like that where you live?

And remember if any idiot does make comments it says far more about them than you!

Stop worrying about having exercise clothes for exercise.

as long as you have a decent sports bra, and comfortable clothing, that’s all that matters.

I generally wear loose fitting trousers and a t shirt. I won’t get changed to go for a walk. I have some stretchy but loose trousers from M&S- more “loungewear” than what we see as sportswear now but they do the job, and like you I don’t want to wear the tight fitting Lycra.

If you run, go really really slowly and gently, with lots of walking breaks. Yours knees will hate you otherwise.

I’d second the idea of walking group or a beginner’s couch to 5k group to get outside regularly, but do it gently. And be nice to yourself and your body!

I hear you and can relate. The start of my exercise journey started so small. But it worked so well. Look up Lucy Wyndham-Read 7 minute workout. I literally got out of bed and did it in my pyjamas every morning. But I didn’t push myself and I only did 5 minutes of it. But I did it consistently.

After about 3 weeks I put a little more effort in and built up extra minutes. 2 years later I’m fully back in to weightlifting, cardio etc.

It would have been WAY too overwhelming to do anything big to begin with. The key was getting a little bit out the way early in the day and telling myself I could give up after 5 minutes. It’s getting over the mental hurdle before the physical.

I was so self conscious when I started running that I used to go out at 6am when no-one else was really around and as I got my confidence back, I went at busier times.

I’d start moving again with either long walks or fast walks, or home DVDs maybe? I love the Jillian Anderson ones, have a look at the thirty day shred. Good luck!

I would just start with walking at first, and not miles and miles but just to start with 20-30 mins a day and then slowly build your time up from there. Walking garners no attention at all so this is a great way to be outdoors exercising without the worry of randoms making stupid comments, it’s a win win, good luck OP.

Exercise fills me with a I don't know how to describe it; sort of panicky rage? I hate being sweaty, have shitty (rolly eyed bitches at school who I still hate) motor skills and it is all about eating anyway.

If you want to exercise, do but it is not essential to lose weight if that is what you want.

It seems like you've overfixated on the clothing a bit - realistically that's the least important thing, as long as you've got a good bra and trainers, the rest is irrelevant. I literally just wear my older vest tops to the gym rather than buying new stuff just to get worn out and sweaty.

I was going to say join a 24hr gym so you can go when it's quiet if you feel self conscious - most of them have apps that show exactly how many people are in at each time, but if you want to run outdoors then take advantage of it being summer and light so much and go earlier in the morning/late at night, or in the rain! When I started running and felt self conscious I would make a sort of interval-training game out of it, in that I ran whenever there was nobody around, then stopped and walked when someone came round the corner and caught my breath, then ran again once they were out of view. Made it quite fun tbh!

Get a really good playlist or podcast to listen to so you actively want to go out and hear the next section. Or if you like imagining things there are running training apps like Zombies! Run!

In case you aren’t aware parkrun also have walkers now. If you have a local one near you look at the latest results. They have a tail walker as well as park walker volunteers. Wishing you all the best whether you parkrun parkwalk or not. Wishing you all the best 🌺

Good luck for the op, OP.

Do you have a parkrun anywhere near you? I would strongly recommend it. I am in my early 60s, overweight, not at all fit, and never took much exercise until a few years ago when I started going along there, initially to volunteer, and then to participate, when I realised that the slowest times at our parkrun were a touch slower than my own walking time would be. I have worked up to doing a bit of running there, but never reached the giddy heights of continuous running for all 5k. Currently I mostly just walk it as briskly as I can. I can honestly say I've been aware of nothing but support and positivity from the other participants and volunteers. I am fairly thick-skinned, I suppose, but I really do think most people are sincere.

(If you've never done parkrun, the way it's set up there are two volunteers whose job is to be tailwalkers and finish last. That way nobody else needs to worry about being last. Stroke of brilliance.)