To be struggling with the very idea of exercise

[frumpalert]

I used to be superfit, 100lbs, fell runner. I then became ill, and have spent 10 years trying to get help from an NHS that repeatedly told me I was delusional or exaggerating. Finally been diagnosed and am due to have major surgery soon. But in the meantime, I've been so unwell that I've been confined to bed for long periods and put on 93lbs, meaning I am now nearly 200lbs, clinically obese, a size 16 and very severely depressed (my career is in the toilet, and I am on drugs that pull your mood down).

I have been told my likelihood of recovering from the op, which as I said is major surgery with a 3 month recovery, will improve if I diet and exercise, which I know is good advice. But I hate my body and even though I used to love running I now feel completely humiliated at the idea of going out in public and exercising.

Just getting out of the door is a huge hurdle. It's not the exercise, it's the feeling of utter humiliation and worry about the comments and looks I might get. As a former runner, I know this is A Thing.

A giant factor is that I cannot find clothing that I feel comfortable in. A lot of the plus size ranges are skimpy bras and tight leggings with a bare midriff. Don't get me wrong, it works for loads of women and they look great, but it absolutely does not work for me. AT ALL. I just feel ridiculous and the very idea of going out like that makes me feel like crying. (I am 45 and very pale so exposed skin isn't a great idea practically either. Yes, I really lucked out in the genetic lottery!!)

A lot of other ranges are just the same garments for thin women but in larger sizes. This means that cut off points don't cover my bum or my bits. I never dress like that for a reason. I would feel much more comfortable with something that came down to mid thigh, but a lot of the fitness dresses have tight tops and I look like a horribly bundled sack of potatoes in them. I cried in Decathlon when I tried theirs on today.

I am at a point where I'm just considering buying an XXL mens T-shirt for running and using that, but it will be baggy in weird places. I'm hoping that someone on here has some advice to help me. Please don't tell me to put my big girl pants on and put up with skimpiness, I just absolutely do not have the emotional strength to do that at this point.

I run ( very slowly) with a second running top (zip up one) tied round my waist which gives me a pocket to put my car keys in and stops me worrying about my bum in leggings as I struggle past people. I am not a natural runner at all but C25K was amazing at getting me going and if you are an ex runner I’m sure you will feel it coming back together quicker than someone who has never run. I do think there is sometime very positive about just being outside but if you fancy something for indoors Adrienne yoga on YouTube is great.

I've just signed up to Parkrun😀

Good luck OP! Just came to say add mileage very slowly over time. I've gone back to running after a few years off recently and promptly got myself (mildly) injured. It's hard to take things slow when you know you could have easily done a 20k/half marathon a few years ago, but now 3k is a major achievement...

I've now started doing exercise bike and summer HIIT to crosstrain and it's great. Relatively low weekly mileage but progress is good. Actually starting to like the exercise bike - the Fulgaz app is brilliant for adding some interest to what would otherwise be very dull.

YANBU to be struggling, or to feel unhappy with your poor health.

But you know you have to do this. Its not for fun, its more like going to the dentist when you have a phobia. Big baggy t-shirts and loose shorts are fine. Focus on making progress and your end goal, not how you look now.

It's not the exercise, it's the feeling of utter humiliation and worry about the comments and looks I might get. As a former runner, I know this is A Thing.
There's a certain type of bloke who resents women who run faster than he does. That might be what was going on before.

Offer open to anyone on the thread but OP if you want a 60 day peloton app trial, PM me
It has walk/run audio, bodyweight stuff, yoga, stretching, meditation. Just cancel on day 59 (or keep it and pay!)
It doesn't gain me anything, I just genuinely love it

I'm a size 16 and peloton has been amazing for me. I always exercised but my exercise allergy got so bad I had to stop for years. They got me a drug that worked and I had to start back again and I made the best decision by choosing peloton
Yes people say it's a bit cult like but I love that it's encouraging, they are progress over perfection and never ever mention weight

Clothes wise I wear these leggings (scroll down for plain ones) and a 2XL works
https://www.sturdybydesign.com

If you can't find a longer top, sometimes I wear a shorter t shirt with a long length vest top (from Matalan) under it
Bam clothing I think it is do some longer ones, and I find Nike good on sizing

Forty something former elite runner here. Would like to get into some sort of fitness again too.

When you were much fitter, what did you think when you saw women your size going running? Every runner out there - I guarantee - thinks massive kudos to that person, out of shape but determined to do something about it.

Headphones on so you can’t hear the comments, baggy gear, record a little video clip to yourself afterwards reflecting on your run, don’t be afraid to do walk runs (I did 1 min run / 5 min walk for my whole first ‘run’ route then 2mins / 4 mins etc and kept progressing until I ran all the way).

I get it. I had a 4 mile route I’d knock off as a morning run every day doing my main training later and that seemed insurmountable but when you find you can do it after all you gain confidence in so many unrelated aspects of your life too.

good luck!

That would certainly explain why I've never encountered this! I've seen tortoises moving faster than me ...

M and S good move range leggings are fantastic, high waisted with pockets and their sports bras are fab. Primark do oversized t shirts that are a nice length for covering up. Just start with brisk walking, listen to a podcast or audio book, then you can build up to running again. Don't beat yourself up. Read these two books - why we eat too much by Dr Andrew Jenkinson and the full diet by Dr Saira Hameed. They will change your life hopefully. Good luck!!

There's a certain type of bloke who resents women who run faster than he does.

HIDING for ridiculous obsessive sexism

I hear you. I was slim (size 8) my whole life until I fell ill with something that took ages to diagnose. Then steroids made me balloon.

I would say don't be harsh on yourself, do what makes you feel good. If that's exercising at home for now or just walking and dieting then that's fine. I am not well enough to exercise much yet but am losing weight with a gentle diet.

This kind of post always makes me feel torn. It's hard for you. But you're implying that until you got fat, you judged others who were and still find bigger bodies disgusting/morally reprehensible and thought you were better than that.

Well thanks, I'm a similar size to you now and have been most of my life. You don't like joining the gang you've been judging all this time.

There is no person who couldn't be heckled when running. If they're not shouting about fatness it could be about skinniness or sexual attributes. Headphones are your friend.

Have you tried some female dominated activities - zumba, aqua fit, women's gym sessions etc. All full of plump ladies, no one gives a shit about the size of anyone else's arse.

Clothes - you just need to feel comfortable. I wear leggings and t shirt in lightweight Lycra. Not much left to the imagination but I don't give a fuck.

Honestly? Don't go out yet. Exercise at home. If your headspace is taken up with how you look, the exercise bit will be harder. Start with small things at home and build up from there. Eventually you'll want to go out because you're ready fitness wise and you won't care about what you're wearing.

I'm a size 8-10, and I just wear any comfy t-shirt, and any comfy shorts or trousers. They are usually baggy. You don't need to buy specific gym clothes to exercise.

You can also buy modest swimsuits that are baggy and flattering, and cover lumps and bumps. Swimming is good gentle exercise and you burn extra calories from your body trying to keep warm.

I also suspect this is the case- because I'm 50, run 5k slowly three times a week, and am size 14 and have had nothing but positive, encouraging comments if any (although mostly just get ignored).

However I'd also say that weight loss is 80% diet 20% exercise so you'll lose more weight watching what you eat than running (something I need to figure out, also).

Running brands all make T-shirts with more coverage - I’ve recently bought size 14 UnderArmour, Reebok and Nike tshirts which all had plenty of coverage. Look on Wiggle or CycleStore.

Good luck with it - am also in a similar situation (though my weight gain was baby-related), and it is hard to suddenly be “the fat person” when you have always been active.

I have always hated running in public, because men around here do catcall (regardless of your weight), so I run in the gym at quiet times. Nobody bothers you on a treadmill in a quiet corner with your headphones on. Lots of gyms have women-only areas or sessions as well.

That actually made me laugh, lljkk! Have you never met one?

Another vote for M&S workout clothes. After having a meltdown in the running shop, M&S saved me.

I'd say try yoga too. Maybe online at first. If you can do it regularly the increase in strength is really fantastic which underpins other exercise and I think it also helps you like the body you have while improving it. You need to be in the right class though - hence starting online. Wish you could come to my friend's 'slow yoga' class which is amazing and adapted for everybody including significant disabilities.

I'm in my fifties.
I've not owned a crop top since i was in my 20s.
I have pt sessions in a gym where others train for competitions so I'm easily the least fit there but they're a friendly bunch.
If i see someone running who is not super fit and clearly trying i think good for you.

I agree with pp - running probably won’t be the best form of exercise for you right now.
You’ll very likely compare your results to your previous ones which won’t be favourable and could make you feel worse.

Besides, running makes me, at least, very hungry! Nobody else has this problem? Weight lifting is much better in that respect.

Also, I disagree with judgement of runners, I’ve never thought anything other than ‘good for you!’ when I see people running, regardless of weight or outfit, and I’ve never heard anyone else judging either!

M&S GoodMove range goes up to about size 26 and does plenty of tops that cover your bum, as well as leggings and joggers.

I’m sorry to hear of your situation OP!

Does it have to be running?? If I was in your position, I’d start with long walks - in nature. Find some beautiful trails/places to wander around and prioritise your experience of exercise over the way you look whilst exercising. If you can get in to hiking, the sunshine on your face, the beautiful surroundings, the sound of the birds - all this stuff will whip you away mentally as well as physically.

I hope that makes sense - being out in nature is good for your soul.

I would start with a really good sports bra. I'd imagine you didn't have to worry at 100lb but if you're already self conscious bouncing breasts won't help and you'll be really uncomfortable. Then get to decathlon and get some high waisted running leggings that won't slip down - you don't want to have to keep lifting your top to hoik them up.

Ignore all the tik tok 'I'm a gym girl' bollocks with full make up, flat stomachs and filters. Wear a comfortable loose fitting top but bear in mind you'll get hot especially when you first get back into it.

Invest in some decent trainers. Start slow, don't compare how you are now to the past. I'd run early morning on trail and just enjoy watching the day arrive in the peace and quiet.

I always thought running was about physical health, but it's incredible that difference it makes mentally

Good luck!