To be struggling with the very idea of exercise

[frumpalert]

I used to be superfit, 100lbs, fell runner. I then became ill, and have spent 10 years trying to get help from an NHS that repeatedly told me I was delusional or exaggerating. Finally been diagnosed and am due to have major surgery soon. But in the meantime, I've been so unwell that I've been confined to bed for long periods and put on 93lbs, meaning I am now nearly 200lbs, clinically obese, a size 16 and very severely depressed (my career is in the toilet, and I am on drugs that pull your mood down).

I have been told my likelihood of recovering from the op, which as I said is major surgery with a 3 month recovery, will improve if I diet and exercise, which I know is good advice. But I hate my body and even though I used to love running I now feel completely humiliated at the idea of going out in public and exercising.

Just getting out of the door is a huge hurdle. It's not the exercise, it's the feeling of utter humiliation and worry about the comments and looks I might get. As a former runner, I know this is A Thing.

A giant factor is that I cannot find clothing that I feel comfortable in. A lot of the plus size ranges are skimpy bras and tight leggings with a bare midriff. Don't get me wrong, it works for loads of women and they look great, but it absolutely does not work for me. AT ALL. I just feel ridiculous and the very idea of going out like that makes me feel like crying. (I am 45 and very pale so exposed skin isn't a great idea practically either. Yes, I really lucked out in the genetic lottery!!)

A lot of other ranges are just the same garments for thin women but in larger sizes. This means that cut off points don't cover my bum or my bits. I never dress like that for a reason. I would feel much more comfortable with something that came down to mid thigh, but a lot of the fitness dresses have tight tops and I look like a horribly bundled sack of potatoes in them. I cried in Decathlon when I tried theirs on today.

I am at a point where I'm just considering buying an XXL mens T-shirt for running and using that, but it will be baggy in weird places. I'm hoping that someone on here has some advice to help me. Please don't tell me to put my big girl pants on and put up with skimpiness, I just absolutely do not have the emotional strength to do that at this point.

I bought a five pack of men's white t shirts to wear over summer with cropped leggings and get out cycling. I need to lose weight.

I hope you can get over this hurdle and get back into gentle exercise and try not to overthink your exercise gear. No one really cares about what you are wearing.

I am in my 40s though and don't give a flying f*ck about stuff these days.

OP I'm really sorry for what you've been going through.

I will say for someone who has been very fit and active in the past, you have a bit of a head start in that regard re getting back into exercise as you know the good feeling that a workout can bring and the benefits. But as others have said definitely start small and gentle and build up. I'm currently doing a 6 weeks to rebuild your fitness program on Apple Fitness which I'm enjoying as it really is building it up in increments so nothing feels impossibly hard.

As to what other people think - whilst I agree it's important to feel comfortable in your workout clothing and I don't like skimpy revealing stuff either, I genuinely don't think anyone else will be giving you a second thought. The reason I don't worry about other people when I'm red faced and sweaty at the gym is because I'm not looking at or thinking about what they look like, I'm focused on what I'm doing, so no reason to think they're looking at or thinking about me.

Hello everyone, OP here. I logged in yesterday with my phone and then could not for the life of me find out how to log in with the same username! To get back in, I had to log in with a different email address. Sorry! It's been a while since I was on Mumsnet!

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the constructive suggestions. The idea of religions 'modesty' workout gear is a particularly ingenious one, and I will check that out. I also hear everyone advising moderation. I am lucky enough to have a neighbour who is a very, very good personal trainer (she advertises herself as the trainer for people who hate the gym) and she as very kindly offered to help me put together something safe. She's going through some similar but milder version of this illness herself, and she specialises in menopausal/hormonal stuff, so she gets it.

To clarify: I have never been fat phobic. I hope that I wouldn't be that kind of person. But it also wouldn't be in my interests, since I've battled with weight since I left home. I just have the kind of body that will gain pounds if I eat more than a few hundred calories a day and if I don't work out constantly. I grew up in a very unsafe environment where food was severely restricted as a punishment. I heard somewhere that this can mess up your body so that forever after, it thinks you might starve and holds on to any energy it can get. I have no idea if that's true, but I think it might explain why I have to work so very hard to be a normal weight.

I said in my original post that the abuse I had experienced was when I was thin. I've had men yell horrible, abusive things at me. I've had them yell sexual things at me. I've had them get angry because I'm faster than them. And because I'm slower than them. I've had them yell inappropriate but encouraging things, and inappropriate and deeply discouraging ones. I've even been grabbed, on two occasions, on the street which is deeply frightening (I have been seriously sexually attacked when not out running, so this is a big trigger for me). I never ran at anti-social times, and I wore sensible clothing to run in (I shouldn't even have to write that, but this is Mumsnet so there will always be someone ready to put the worst possible construction on your words), but I was out for quite a few hours each week. My explanation is that a certain proportion of men (and this includes boys too) will just find ways to object to the presence of women in any public space instead of accepting they just have a right to be there and leaving them alone to get on with whatever they are doing. So they have to find ways of drawing attention to themselves, whether that's with aggression or so-called "humour" or whatever. And if you're out for long periods, you'll probably run into them from time to time.

As I said, I was in my 20s/30s at the time, and I suspect that now I am in my 40s I will be less visible to them (this is certainly the case with other forms of street harassment so I'm hoping it translates). But right now, my sense of self and my confidence are so low that any negativity feels far more shattering than it ought to and I really am worried about whether I will have the emotional strength to respond to anything nasty that is said or yelled, however thoughtlessly.

I am horrified to hear of your experiences of people shouting at you and grabbing you when you were running. I have perhaps been really lucky or not run so much but so far so good for me. Most of my running is at parkrun. (And I am a size 16 now - was 18 until recently and towards the back of the pack).

Also wanted to say Contra make running clothes on a wide range of sizes as another option. I might go an look at the other brands suggested now.

Good luck with the surgery and whatever exercise you choose.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and i think its brilliant you're making plans for getting out there again!
I think running has changed over the last ten years because its so much more popular and mainstream. So more people of different shapes and sizes abd fitness doing it. And fewer people would take any notice of a runner because they're so common.
Good luck and enjoy! Running outside is so great and i really hope you get back to enjoying it soon.

Is it possible that when you say things don’t suit you, you’re comparing to what your fell running body looked like ? Very, very few people look like that and perhaps you need to be focussing on what ‘normal’ people look like. Someone suggested parkrun, which would be great - reset your ideas to what most people look like when wearing lycra - quite a few bulges and they probably don’t think they look great, but are wearing it for its performance and comfort. And no-one else cares !

M&S active wear is great and I’ve just discovered ‘Amazing Jane’ which goes up to size 20.

You can do this!

XXL men’s t shirt, the comfiest leggings which won’t fall down, baseball cap, head down, let’s go!

Unfortunately, you are going to feel uncomfortable for a while, but push this phase, it will be worth it in the end.

Start with walks, and then run/walk, listen to your body, you know what to do. 😊

I honestly think you're being far too hard on yourself. At a size 16 you're about average size for women in the UK, no one is going to bat an eyelid at you walking past in a pair of leggings!

I do wonder if things have changed a lot in the last 10 years - there are definitely more runners around than there used to be! And more of a range of shapes and sizes, which is wonderful really. The idea that I'm worrying about nothing is a comforting one.

"Is it possible that when you say things don’t suit you, you’re comparing to what your fell running body looked like ?"

I've wondered this. My honest, hand-on-heart response is that I just look terrible. Bear in mind I'm not a healthy 16 who is fit, active and glowing with vitality from exercise! I spent January to April of this year unable to leave bed or the house because I was so ill and in constant pain. I look shapeless, lumpy, and frankly frumpy. One of the drugs I'm on is hormonal and it's wreaking havoc inside and out - my skin is horrible, grey and sensitive to everything, my hair is lifeless and dull, and I visibly lack power and strength of muscle tone, like I have cellulite everywhere. I think you can also see the physical pain I've been through in my face still, even though the actual pain is very much more manageable now. The lines of it are still etched on, if that makes sense. The hormones are attacking my oestrogen, and I just feel less feminine too, which is a bigger loss of identity than I thought it would be.

I am absolutely determined to try to get myself physically better (this thread is not about looking for excuses not to do it). But I have a fear of being vulnerable and exposed in public. Like many who are seriously chronically ill, I've had a lot of sources of external validation taken away by illness - my career, social life, and financial situation are in the toilet - so it's very much me (and supportive DH and a few close friends, for whom I am truly grateful every day) trying to shore up my sense of self from internal resources only. I feel like I'm made of glass and the slightest knock could break me. (This is a me problem, and I've had therapy to work through it, but I'm still quite fragile).

You don’t need any special clothes for walking - why not just do that for now? It’s still exercise.

OP, you've had some helpful advice. I'd second the suggestion of getting out and walking - that and missing out/delaying breakfast helped me lose weight reasonably easily and keep it off. Listen to something you enjoy, wear good trainers and eg baggy t shirt and leggings if that's what you feel best in, and walk briskly/up hills if you can. Get a sports belt or bum bag so you aren't carrying a bag. If you have a friend who likes walking, see if they will join you.

When you feel a bit fitter/more confident, you could start run/walking, either C25k or make your own programme (eg when I've had time off running for illness, I walk to the park, alternate run/walk round it, walk home, build up).

It is brilliant you have good advice from your neighbour.

I've enjoyed Lottie Murphy Pilates at home (free youtube channel and a paid subscriber one). And I subscribe to Les Mills at home and see they have launched a new low impact programme called Thrive.

I wish you all the best and am sorry you have had such a hard time.

OP, I'm just echoing what some other people here have said, but: I'd really recommend that you focus on your diet and on just getting 10,000 steps in each day, as a start at least. Improve your diet and reduce your calorie intake, and get yourself out of the house in the daylight and walking. Exercise is "good" for all sorts of things, esp sleep and mental health, but it's not actually very effective for weight loss - losing weight is mostly about calorie consumption.

Running can come later, IF you want to. But, honestly? Lots of people swear off running as they get older. I am slim but at 45, I mostly stick to power walking and weights, not running; I've tried running but it made my joints hurt and that worried me. If you start trying to run with a lot of weight on you, I'd imagine that there is a non-trivial risk of knackering your knees. Be careful. And it's probably just way too big a jump right now. Focus on getting yourself out and about and walking lots and eating less. You can review running as a possibility later on, but get started with some really basic stuff first. Do stuff that is feasible and build up some small successes first.

I think part of the reason why your brain is jumping to "running" is because you used to be a runner and were slim at that time, so your mind basically goes, "I need to make myself the way I was before... and what did I do before? I RAN! So I need to RUN!" Well, it's one way, but it's not the only way, and the type of exercise that is optimal for you may be different right now.

I'm 205lbs, 5'6, size 18, 60 with fibromyalgia. I road run, and couldn't care less if anyone comments. They comment whether you're fat, thin, tall short. Don't let them curtail your life!

I ran 16km yesterday.

I wear a good sports bra over my normal bra (no bounce at all), control pants under cheap running leggings, and a stretchy long t shirt (mine's a Huel t shirt, I love it!) I wear a running style bum bag thing to hold my phone etc. nothing skimpy not too baggy. If you haven't got a good sports bra for the first time out just wear 2 bras! Go to a park and walk round then add in 32 (4 x count of 8) running strides, then walk again. Repeat until you're ready to go home.

Try not to let your head rule you- you're overthinking it. Just get out there fir the first time. You'll be glad you did!

"I ran 16 km yesterday"

Wow! That's amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. And you're right - the violence will be there whatever. I think I might have a bit of a solution - my lovely DH has offered to come out and run with me, even though I am significantly slower than he is. This should be a bit of a shield for me, and makes me feel a bit more protected.

I should have said at the start: I am very focused on diet. I'm committed to eating 1200 calories a day even though I'm absolutely starving right now as I adjust. But obviously, there's a close relationship between diet and exercise: every calorie you burn is one you can bank or eat in addition. In the past, when I've lost significant amounts of weight it's always been via a combination of diet and exercise. If this sounds a bit extreme, bear in mind that the reason I need to lose weight fast is because I've been advised to do so by the consultant who will be operating on me. It's major surgery with an element of risk (meaning a few people per 1000 die as a result) and a 2/3 month recovery, so I need to take as many pounds off as I can in the run up. Due to the state of the NHS, I have no idea whether it will be next week or months away, so all I can do is my best in whatever timeframe it turns out to be. My hospital has put everyone on a huge standby list, and you do your pre-op and then wait, without any certainty about when your surgery will be. It means I can't plan for anything, which is really anxiety-provoking - especially given the risks.

I hear you all on walking too - I've been building up steadily on that since I got access to a new drug in April which stabilised my condition. That's the only reason I'm able to contemplate something more energetic, with more cardio, now. Though if I do get out there and do it, the running is going to be incredibly slow, probably not much quicker than a fast walk anyway, so practically speaking we might be talking about virtually the same thing! 😀

That's great about your DH! I "run" with my faster DH and he loops back for me, or eg in parks he does extra little bits while I stick to main paths. We manage quite a difference - last week he did 10k to my 7k on the same route, both running at our happy speeds, so could manage a bigger difference if he slowed down IYSWIM.

Brisk walking is brilliant exercise I think (and I do quite specialised strength training and lots of other stuff) and I agree in terms of general cardiovascular fitness there is not much in it, between that and slow running (and as said below you can do both on same outing anyway). I would do what you enjoy and works for you, for now. IME and IMO consistency is what counts, and that means something you enjoy and that fits with the rest of life.

That seems a very low daily calorie intake but I understand your situation is unusual - has a clinician advised on that at all? The waiting and uncertainty around surgery is horrible and incredibly draining. You will feel so much better once you are the other side. Good luck.

Gosh, you've been through the mill, OP. I hope you don't have to wait too long for the operation. I suppose it might help with the waiting and uncertainty if you think the longer the delay, the better shape you'll be in to cope with the surgery and the recovery period. You sound like an amazing and determined woman and I'm so pleased to hear you have a good husband to support you through all of this. You will make it. Good luck!

Sorry to hear what's happened to you OP.

I can recommend TK Maxx esp in the men's exercise clothes section. I also love these https://www.uniqlo.com/uk/en/product/airism-seamless-boat-neck-longline-t-shirt-462671.html tops from Uniqlo. They a lovely quick dry fabric and nice and big. I've just noticed that they do shorts too but haven't tried those. Ok for at home workouts if you don't want to wear shorts out running.

Have you thought of starting with some at home exercises videos? There's some great threads in the exercise section with Growingannas, Heather Robertson and Caroline Girvan highly recommended. They all do free workouts on YouTube and often 30 day or 6 week plans.

All the best for your return to exercise journey!

Could you start by walking? No special clothes needed? Music/ podcast/ audiobook on, nice scenery? Maybe arrange it with someone else with a stop for a cup of tea if that’ll make it go better? I’m a size 14 on the cusp of obesity and have been exercising the whole time- no illness etc just poor diet I guess. I wear full length gym leggings and a loose black exercise t shirt I bought from sports direct.

Hopefully once you get into it you will care less what other people think x

good luck x

@frumpalertt This helped me so may be worth a try - whenever you encounter a mirror, put on a big smile before looking into it, like you're greeting a friend. You look a lot better when smiling (and it's nice to see someone smile back at you). I'm smaller than you, but I do have a disproportionately big tum and all the wrinkly saggy skin that comes with age, but I'm able to look at myself and think "hey, you're not looking bad!"

Though if I do get out there and do it, the running is going to be incredibly slow, probably not much quicker than a fast walk anyway I have a friend who runs marathons at walking speed. She arranges with the organisers to start three hours early! And I, walking, often find I'm going as fast as runners. So you won't be alone.

I'm sorry you're finding it so tough.

One thing that I really wanted to say is, I know it's different from how you were before, but I honestly don't think anyone would stare at a size 16 person at a gym or exercising, it's really not huge or at all unusual.

Starting with walking is a good idea; I like the gym which I don't enjoy in itself but I like how I feel afterwards, but it you do that, do get an instructor to advise what will help you the most to achieve what you would like to.

Wishing you the best of luck.

You're only a stone heavier than me and I'm a short arse. I'm sure you think you look worse than you do.

I'd do as previously suggested. Focus on diet and just walk for now. A nice walk will perk you up and you won't feel self conscious just walking as it won't attract any attention.

Good luck

Park(run)walk would be a good confidence boost at getting moving again in public and with others who are exercising. Look up the finish times of local runs, they're generally about an hour these days. The rewards for participating are very motivating too and it's refreshing to have events where it is participating (as a walker/ runner or volunteer) is valued over performance.

I would say that leggings are pretty ubiquitous because they are so comfortable and practical. What you won't want is chaffing, and it's not purely a size issue, as my thighs will testify! A long, loose fitting t-shirt will do a lot to reduce the feeling of exposure.

Strength work is worth adding in. Muscle mass is always a good thing, boosts your metabolism, reduces stress on your joints and reduces injury risk.

1200 calories is too little for you, you should be able to eat about 1800 and still loose weight if you get moving a bit too.