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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I’ve made a massive error. Do I tell him?

78 replies

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:52

Ok. I think I’ve made a massive error in my life.

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

We broke up.

About 2 months after breaking up, a guy who knew my ex started speaking to me on FB.

There was ridiculous flirting right from the off set, even exchanging photos and videos etc (bad choice I know).

Anyway, we met up twice. The first time we kissed and the second time we had sex. It was easily the worst sex of my life. It was like he was all talk but couldn’t perform at all.

Anyway, I completely go off the guy because of the sex and because I’m pretty sure he actually has a girlfriend (he added me on Instagram after the sex and I did some snooping when he left and if they’re not together now, they definitely were when we were really flirting) so I ghosted him basically and just scratched it up to a lesson learnt.

My ex then gets back in contact with me. I realise I miss him and we get back together basically a week after I had sex with the other guy.

Do I tell my boyfriend I had sex with the guy he kind of knows? They both have some of the same friends and I can’t help but think these guys will talk and it’ll come out and my boyfriend will be ambushed with the information.

Also, I’m completely aware I’ve made some absolutely terrible decisions and hurting my ex wasn’t on my agenda. I do want to tell him but is that only to absolve myself of guilt? Will hurting him to make myself feel less guilty be the best thing or should I keep quiet? I think he’s knows I’ve slept with someone else when we were apart and I don’t know if he has and I don’t want to know if he has.

I think I really want a serious future with my boyfriend and I think I’ve seriously f’d it up.

(also, protection was used and I’ll be tested just to be sure)

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/07/2023 13:57

His behaviour was absolutely abysmal

and

I think I really want a serious future with my boyfriend

??? Contradictory to say the least.

OP, you did nothing wrong and were single when you saw the other bloke.

The main issue is, getting back with your ex sounds like a terrible idea.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 13:57

Sorry op but fuck them both off?! Ex is a ex for a reason and you’ve screwed his mate now! It’s not like everything’s dandy and the stars have aligned is it infact the exact opposite LOL your behaviour looks abysmal too screwing his mate!

Original poster
Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:58

I know. I sound mental. I have a lot of horrific sh*t in my life right now and I think actually, if I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me we could be good, but now I’ve done this, I feel racked with guilt.

OP posts:
ReachForTheMars · 16/07/2023 13:58

It's your choice but if you tell him I think you just need to be direct and unapologetic and make it clear you dont owe an apology, nor do you need to make it up to him and if he isnt ok with it you cant have a relationship:

We were broken up and I slept with X. I'm telling you so that you have the full facts before we restart our relationship and so that you dont hear it on the grapevine.

Not:

I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I missed you and it just happened...

NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2023 13:59

Why do you want a serious future with someone who behaved abysmally?

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

ReachForTheMars · 16/07/2023 13:59

If you have a lot of horrific shit in your life its nit angst place to start a relationship.

Original poster
Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:59

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 13:57

Sorry op but fuck them both off?! Ex is a ex for a reason and you’ve screwed his mate now! It’s not like everything’s dandy and the stars have aligned is it infact the exact opposite LOL your behaviour looks abysmal too screwing his mate!

It’s not his mate. They know each other. They share friends but they’re not friends and yes my behaviour is abysmal I know this.

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 14:01

Honestly drop him I think when you do tell him the ball won’t be in your court anyway tbh. It’s now doomed…

Original poster
Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 14:01

ReachForTheMars · 16/07/2023 13:58

It's your choice but if you tell him I think you just need to be direct and unapologetic and make it clear you dont owe an apology, nor do you need to make it up to him and if he isnt ok with it you cant have a relationship:

We were broken up and I slept with X. I'm telling you so that you have the full facts before we restart our relationship and so that you dont hear it on the grapevine.

Not:

I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, I missed you and it just happened...

Yeah this sounds like the way I should do it. Thank you.

OP posts:
LaughterTitsoff · 16/07/2023 14:02

I think you need to spend more time looking at yourself and why you appear desperate for a man whose behaviour is abysmal.

Sack them both off and use the time for self-reflection.

Original poster
Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 14:02

NuffSaidSam · 16/07/2023 13:59

Why do you want a serious future with someone who behaved abysmally?

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

Honestly? No haha. My self worth is at an all time low if I’m honest. Even worse, I’m divorcing my ex husband who was physically and mentally abusive to me so I know I’m looking for something in someone who really probably doesn’t deserve my time. Ahhh. Life.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 16/07/2023 14:03

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:58

I know. I sound mental. I have a lot of horrific sh*t in my life right now and I think actually, if I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me we could be good, but now I’ve done this, I feel racked with guilt.

Well if you have a lot of horrific shit in your life already you don't want to add to it by taking up with someonewhose behaviour towards you in the past was abysmal. What makes you think anything will have changed?

Just let the ex stay as an ex and move on.

Original poster
Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 14:04

LaughterTitsoff · 16/07/2023 14:02

I think you need to spend more time looking at yourself and why you appear desperate for a man whose behaviour is abysmal.

Sack them both off and use the time for self-reflection.

Sigh. You’re right. Desperation for something ‘normal’ seems to be what I want right now but cannot obtain it.

OP posts:
Thewildling · 16/07/2023 14:04

I think you need to take a step back and read what you’ve just said here. “If I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me then we could be good”
No. Because it will happen again, it’s not a case that you need to forgive, you need to move on because trust me, it will happen again and you’ll be stuck in a toxic cycle. Stop feeling guilty but you owe him nothing. This is not a reason to go back to him.

LaughterTitsoff · 16/07/2023 14:06

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 14:02

Honestly? No haha. My self worth is at an all time low if I’m honest. Even worse, I’m divorcing my ex husband who was physically and mentally abusive to me so I know I’m looking for something in someone who really probably doesn’t deserve my time. Ahhh. Life.

Show quote history

Well yes 'haha' indeed.

So you're going to be back on here in the very near future, posting about yet another abusive man and wondering where it all went wrong.

Please say you don't have children to drag into this horrible situation you're choosing to get yourself into?

Dotcheck · 16/07/2023 14:07

OP
step away from dating. Seriously.
None of these men are not good. Men are actually not required for a good life. Sort yourself out then think about dating. 8 months and the guy already behaved abysmally? What does that even mean?

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 14:08

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 14:02

Honestly? No haha. My self worth is at an all time low if I’m honest. Even worse, I’m divorcing my ex husband who was physically and mentally abusive to me so I know I’m looking for something in someone who really probably doesn’t deserve my time. Ahhh. Life.

Show quote history

You need to be single and on your own. I know you wont , and this car crash will play out, but you should.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2023 14:13

raise your standards and develop some self esteem.
if you have no respect for yourself, why would anyone else?

LIZS · 16/07/2023 14:18

Sounds like you need a clean break. Your standards seem pretty low.

LadyJ2023 · 16/07/2023 14:24

Well you were single when you did it but being a friend he will probably find out another way if you say nothing. Seriously you need your head screwed on and take time for yourself instead of making mistakes

Jongleterre · 16/07/2023 14:29

The ex is going to treat you abysmally again and you telling him that you slept with someone he knows whilst you were split up is giving him ammunition as a feeble excuse to treat you abysmally again as that's what abysmal creeps do.

Go without a man for awhile and concentrate on you and your self esteem and get to the bottom of why you feel you should accept being treated badly and why you so easily slept with a casual acquaintance when you are actually looking for a relationship where someone is your equal partner and treats you with respect.

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 14:32

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

and yet you still went back????

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/07/2023 14:32

Bin the ex as you're just feeling sorry for yourself.

It's got nothing to do with him in any case what you did when you were single.

willWillSmithsmith · 16/07/2023 14:32

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:58

I know. I sound mental. I have a lot of horrific sh*t in my life right now and I think actually, if I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me we could be good, but now I’ve done this, I feel racked with guilt.

Um no. Do you not read all the threads on here (there are many) of women who are lumbered with horrible men? You want to join them? Have better standards for yourself than convincing yourself this ex is worth investing in.

FOJN · 16/07/2023 14:34

You've made some bad decisions and continue to make them.

Please do your future self a favour and leave relationships alone for a while, you really don't seem equipped to form healthy ones at the moment.

You were single so you do not owe your ex an explanation or apology for who you had sex with during the time you were separated.