I think I’ve made a massive error. Do I tell him?

[Whatastupidchoice]

Ok. I think I’ve made a massive error in my life.

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

We broke up.

About 2 months after breaking up, a guy who knew my ex started speaking to me on FB.

There was ridiculous flirting right from the off set, even exchanging photos and videos etc (bad choice I know).

Anyway, we met up twice. The first time we kissed and the second time we had sex. It was easily the worst sex of my life. It was like he was all talk but couldn’t perform at all.

Anyway, I completely go off the guy because of the sex and because I’m pretty sure he actually has a girlfriend (he added me on Instagram after the sex and I did some snooping when he left and if they’re not together now, they definitely were when we were really flirting) so I ghosted him basically and just scratched it up to a lesson learnt.

My ex then gets back in contact with me. I realise I miss him and we get back together basically a week after I had sex with the other guy.

Do I tell my boyfriend I had sex with the guy he kind of knows? They both have some of the same friends and I can’t help but think these guys will talk and it’ll come out and my boyfriend will be ambushed with the information.

Also, I’m completely aware I’ve made some absolutely terrible decisions and hurting my ex wasn’t on my agenda. I do want to tell him but is that only to absolve myself of guilt? Will hurting him to make myself feel less guilty be the best thing or should I keep quiet? I think he’s knows I’ve slept with someone else when we were apart and I don’t know if he has and I don’t want to know if he has.

I think I really want a serious future with my boyfriend and I think I’ve seriously f’d it up.

(also, protection was used and I’ll be tested just to be sure)

In tour shoes I would have a break from dating and don't bother with either of them.

Stay single and do the freedom programme, none of these men can give you what you want.

Firstly, I wouldn't tell him because you'd split at that point. None of his business, you did nothing wrong.

Secondly, I'd really consider your worth and whether this man deserves your time. 8 months isn't a long time and in that period, you got together, had a relationship and he pissed you off enough to eventually end it. That to me suggests you weren't happy with him for very long. Bin him off!

You need to spend some time alone to process and heal. I would suggest finding a good therapist and staying completely away from the ex who's been horrible to you.

You only think you want to be with a horrible man because you fear being alone, because being alone means you have to confront yourself directly, with all that that implies. Jumping in and out of relationships won't help you become whole. Doing the hard work of stepping back and constructively processing your experiences will.

Honestly OP I think you need to stay single and maybe focus on you, and why you make these decisions.

Fucking hell, op, stop being your own worst enemy. All you're doing is making one shit decision after the other.

You don't want your ex back, you just want "someone" because you think they can make you feel better. They can't, and definitely not that arsehole.

If you get back with this man, you'll be the maker of your own misery. The last thing you need is being in yet another dysfunctional relationship. Stay single and do some work on yourself.

Stay single at the very least until you are properly divorced. Sort yourself out. I was single for 6 years after my divorce. We were only together for under 5. I was very fucked up by the relationship. It took me that long to get untucked.

Don't bring fucked up into your future. Sort it out now.

Honest advice? Step away from the men.

Three duds in a row... 🙄

It's not you. It's them. You're in a low place from your experiences and they can smell it.

You're worth more than a man who's treated you abysmally, a man who's abused you and a man who's selfish in bed.

Give it, them and yourself a break.

Being with a man is not the default must-have.

Getting independent self confidence, self reliance and self respect is.

Then, as you grow and strengthen, you may find yourself attracting men worth your attention and time.

I needed some harsh truths and I got them. I do appreciate it though a lot. Had a little cry too.

I know it may not seem it but I’ve done a lot of work on myself and come so far. I’ve just only finally got over my ex husband leaving and everything he did to me.

I know I’m making piss poor decisions I totally hold my hands up. I’m definitely just ‘putting up’ with terrible behaviour from men and then equally do stupid things. I’m usually a very level headed, nice person, who’s never slept about or slept with two different guys in a couple of weeks!

I’ve sacked the one night stand off for sure but I don’t trust that he won’t tell friends about our fling.

My ex/boyfriend - whatever we are, I’ll speak to him and just basically end it.

I’ve already done the freedom programme, I’m actually just dealing with the police for the assault my ex husband did to me. I’m not excusing my behaviour at all but I can definitely see why I’m doing certain things.

I’ll have to stay single. I just feel so incredibly lonely. I have friends and family but at night when I’m alone, the loneliness is literally killing me. I have no partner in life and I saw my life going completely differently to how it is now so I think I’m acting out.

Thank you though for all your words. Even the harsh one.

This was really lovely to read. Thank you. Definitely have a knack of picking eejits! Haha

It doesnt sound like any relationship would be a good idea right now.

Have you thought of just staying single while you sort out the shit? Maybe some counselling so you stop picking shit guys? Make some decent boundaries before you enter the dating scene again.

So you are divorcing your ex-husband, you have an ex-boyfriend and someone else you slept with? I am certainly not judging you for sleeping around, I'm sure many of us have done that. But in the kindest way just because you're shagging someone it doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship (bf/gf) with them. I think you should back off entirely and spend some time on your own without trying to pursue a relationship with any of them (or any one else). Take time to fix yourself, you are worth so much more than some guy who treated your badly.

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

Read that as many times as you need to

8 months isn't even out of the honeymoon stage, you've not invested much, move on

You aren’t even divorced yet and are making bad decisions about men.
Be single for a while

You deserve better.

Do you have children OP?

He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

Why did you get back with someone who sounds horrible?

Have some self respect and move on from this situation.

There are a lot worse things than being single and being with men whose behaviour is abysmal is one of them.

You know you make bad decisions, which is a good start, knowing this you can work on not making more bad decisions.

Being on your own is not 'literally' killing you. It can be hard but being alone needn't mean being lonely and certainly not to the extent that any shit man is better than no man.

Make space for other things in your life. You don't say if you have children. Find things to fill your evenings.

Don't settle for men like this, you're worth more.

Bin them both and move on.

An ex is an ex for a reason.
He's shown you who he is previously. You aren't in the right headspace atm to be going into another relationship. Re evaluate and build up your self esteem. Smacks of desperation.

Clearly your ex is an ex for a reason. Are you wearing rose tinted glasses reagarding getting back together?

In regards to sleeping with this other man, I do not think it will go down well.

Nasty.