I think I’ve made a massive error. Do I tell him?

[Whatastupidchoice]

Ok. I think I’ve made a massive error in my life.

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

We broke up.

About 2 months after breaking up, a guy who knew my ex started speaking to me on FB.

There was ridiculous flirting right from the off set, even exchanging photos and videos etc (bad choice I know).

Anyway, we met up twice. The first time we kissed and the second time we had sex. It was easily the worst sex of my life. It was like he was all talk but couldn’t perform at all.

Anyway, I completely go off the guy because of the sex and because I’m pretty sure he actually has a girlfriend (he added me on Instagram after the sex and I did some snooping when he left and if they’re not together now, they definitely were when we were really flirting) so I ghosted him basically and just scratched it up to a lesson learnt.

My ex then gets back in contact with me. I realise I miss him and we get back together basically a week after I had sex with the other guy.

Do I tell my boyfriend I had sex with the guy he kind of knows? They both have some of the same friends and I can’t help but think these guys will talk and it’ll come out and my boyfriend will be ambushed with the information.

Also, I’m completely aware I’ve made some absolutely terrible decisions and hurting my ex wasn’t on my agenda. I do want to tell him but is that only to absolve myself of guilt? Will hurting him to make myself feel less guilty be the best thing or should I keep quiet? I think he’s knows I’ve slept with someone else when we were apart and I don’t know if he has and I don’t want to know if he has.

I think I really want a serious future with my boyfriend and I think I’ve seriously f’d it up.

(also, protection was used and I’ll be tested just to be sure)

1 - you don’t owe an explanation to anyone who you had any sort of physical relationship with when single, unless you slept with his brother/dad/first cousin etc. Because only then is it in anyway relevant to your current relationship.

2 - I think you know you need to work on being happier with yourself before carrying on in any relationship/fling going forward. You left one guy whose behaviour in your own words was ‘abysmal’. Move straight on with a guy who sweet talks you and turns out to be crap, then instantly back to abysmal ex with rose tinted glasses firmly on. It’s not that I’m judging your sex life but it seems to me you currently don’t feel happy unless with a guy. You know that’s not really healthy for either your mental or physical wellbeing.

Being single and learning how to be truly happy with yourself is a million times better than stressing over useless men.

Take a step back, work on yourself and when you're in a good place then you can think about a relationship and meeting someone who adds to your life rather than bringing heartache and upset.

This is your only life. Don't waste it on morons. You're worth more than this.

Forget about waste of space men and focus on yourself for a bit, is my advice.

Loneliness will not kill you. Have you never been in a room full of people and felt lonely?

Learning to live with loneliness is a good idea. Once you realise it's a feeling and that is all, you can move on.

What is it you do at night with someone there, that you wouldnt do alone?

I mean probably most of us watch TV, read books, scroll through websites a lot of nights. I think you can do all that without company.

If your into clubbing or some other hobby every night, that's what mates are for.

This. Great advice from @JFDIYOLO

One of the few bits of advice my mum gave me about men was: don't get back with someone when you split up.

It's good advice.

You should not be choosing some twat over being lonely.

Stay single until you are happy and content being single, then start dating.

Right now you are choosing men for all of the wrong reasons and of course the wrong ones are going to come into your life.

Once you are happy single you will be able to pick and choose and wait for someone worth giving your time too.

None if these men care about you because ultimately you don’t care about yourself.

Be single for at least 6 months.

You shagged someone your ex vaguely knows. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that

However you ex has treated you badly, and you are clearly not long out of a second abusive marriage. Sack off all these men and spend some time alone.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Think I learnt that from Doctor Phil on Oprah but it's a good piece of advice. If your ex treated you badly before then he will probably treat you badly again. If you let him that is.

God no!

Look at why you're with him and start extricating yourself (dump him)

It's not 'life'

You're choosing this. You don't need to.

I think actually, if I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me we could be good

Say what now? Read that back to yourself. If you lie down and right the word 'doormat' on yourself, everything will be fine. Well, it might be fine for him. It'll be fucking awful for you. Don't do it. As someone who has been single for many, many years at different points in my life, being on your own is far better and far less lonely than being with the wrong person.

Your self esteem is low because your ex was abusive. Going back to someone whose behaviour was abysmal will make your self esteem worse.

Focus on finding new interests or building on those you already have. Voluntary work would help your self esteem, can build your skills and you often meet nicer men.

It's no-one's business but yours, OP.

If you say 'Ex-and-current boyfriend, I had sex with a mate of yours when you and I were split up' you are not (just) being honest. You are offering him your whole life to pronounce judgement upon. He doesn't have the right to do this - don't offer it to him.

Let's say he found out and was angry. Well, that's his own fault, he should have been a better boyfriend, then you wouldn't have found yourself single for a while. If you think he will hold it over you for years, ditch him now and save yourself the pain.

Ditching them both sounds like a plan. Pain-in-the-arse boy v. sad-sex boy. No. Neither of those deserves your time or affection.

In your current state of mind you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anybody, OP. Your ex’s behaviour was awful and things were abysmal, so you split, and then you sent photos and videos to some random bloke who had a girlfriend, and now you think you’ve got a future with the ex who was awful to you?

Whatever horrific shit you’ve got in your life right now, getting back with your ex is going to make it worse.

You need of get away from all men. Your abusive ex husband, Mr Abysmal, and Mr Shitshag.

Stop craving men to validate you.

An ex is an ex for a reason, if he’s treated you like shit once he will continue to do so in the future. You deserve better

YABU but for taking the first guy back not for sleeping with his friend. I speak from experience when I say never take anyone back - you broke up for a reason!

YABU to go backwards. There are other men out there or just learn to be alone for a bit.

Try being si gle for a while OP - see female friends and work on you. I doubt it will be bettter 2nd time round.

Another ditch them both. Why would you go back to someone who annoyed you and was seriously badly behaved at the end? Rose coloured spectacles.

The problem OP is that any time you have low self esteem you are vulnerable. Dodgy men can sniff out desperate and vulnerable women from a mile off.

Getting back with your ex might appear to help your loneliness in the short term but in the long term you'll just end up feeling miserable - and lonely in a different way. You're hoping that this ex can change into what you desperately want him to be, but he can't and he won't.

I think actually, if I forgive his horrible behaviour towards me we could be good

He's shown you who he is - Believe him.

Ahhh. Life.

It’s not life. You’ve got a choice you know, so stop making bad choices again and again, and again. Can you not just listen to your gut feeling?

Wtf have I just read?!
Do not get back together with 'abysmal behaviour' ex.
Stop having sex with random shitty men.
Do. not. have. children.