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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband’s debt my problem?

87 replies

SebHH · 15/07/2023 20:18

My husband and I pay most of our salaries into a joint account to cover joint expenses. We do this in proportion to our earnings so that we are each left with the same amount in our personal accounts to spend as we wish. Some years ago I realised my husband had built up a debt, around 30K, just accrued through spending more than he had, nothing huge but small overspends which added up over time. Around that time I inherited some money and we paid the debt off; maybe it wasn’t made explicit but my assumption was that it wouldn’t build up again. Over time though it did and, because of the interest he was paying, we again paid some of it off from joint savings and his sister gave him the money for the rest- the agreement was that he’d pay back both his sister and the money used from our savings over a couple of years (without any interest to pay). At the time I wanted some assurance that he would tell me if he we’re getting into debt again but he felt this to be unreasonable/intrusive; he sees any debt as an overspend of his personal account and therefore as his debt/his problem to sort out (nothing to do with me) whereas I can’t help but think that it must impact on me in some way/that although we have this division of joint and personal expenditure really that’s a bit artificial and it’s really all part of a shared pot

AIBU to want to know the detail of his finances because it’s his personal money/his debt to sort out or AINBU because really our money is shared/his financial position will impact on me?

OP posts:

FedUpWithEverything123 · 15/07/2023 20:20

He is an ass and of course it is your concern.

euff · 15/07/2023 20:22

I've no answer to your actual question but I would be quite angry in your shoes. That's a lot of debt to get into especially if you are managing on the same personal spends without incurring debt. Did he have any reason?

Hoppinggreen · 15/07/2023 20:23

Of course it’s your concern, you’ve paid it off for him for a start!
Also it impacts both of you in terms of what mortgage you could get, what disposable income you have etc

FOJN · 15/07/2023 20:30

It would be his debt and his problem if he was paying it off from his own money but he's not, he's been bailed out twice.

He's being unreasonable for accruing more debt after it was paid off and for claiming it doesn't affect you. You have subsidised his personal spending from inheritance and joint savings so of course it affects you.

If he wants his personal spending to remain private then he needs to live within his means.

Original poster

SebHH · 15/07/2023 20:38

I think that’s his point- that it’s his personal debt/his problem to sort out and that he would do that himself, independently of me, should it build up again… so not my concern!

OP posts:

Daffidale · 15/07/2023 20:39

It may impact your credit rating, will def impact ability to get a mortgage / rate you’re offered. Even on that basis it is your business

BUT… you’ve bailed him out TWICE. You have literally spent your own money to pay off his debts. Once from your inheritance. Once from joint savings (half of which is yours). He can’t have it both ways. Either it’s his debt so his business, so he shouldn’t be using a dime of your money to pay it off. OR it’s a joint issue that affects you both and you’ve every right to know what he’s getting you both in to

with how your finances are structured, and his pattern of getting into debt, I think he should be paying you back for the inheritance pay off as well as him repaying the joint savings.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 15/07/2023 20:41

If he was paying it off without yours or anyone else’s help then I’d say no.

but seeing as it’s been paid off from your inheritance, join saving and his sister I’d say it’s very much your concern as it’s affecting you. He clearly can’t be trusted to keep an eye on what he’s spending and then expects others to bail him out. I don’t know how he can say it’s nothing to do with anyone else?

Original poster

SebHH · 15/07/2023 20:41

Nothing in particular- he’s less anxious about debt than I am and more spendthrift- it will have been a number of small overspends over years that gradually built into a sizeable debt…

OP posts:

fuchiaknickers · 15/07/2023 20:48

Of course it is your business. If he gets into unmanageable debt and the bailiffs come knocking, it's your home as much as his.
If you didn’t pay it off, what would he have done? It would have grown and grown. Left to get serious you may even have to sell your house. You are a married couple and considered to have joint assets. It is very much your problem, and he is a very unreasonable ass.

Densol57 · 15/07/2023 20:52

I wouldnt want to be married to an unreliable man like this

LIZS · 15/07/2023 20:54

He needs to learn to spend within his budget. You are effectively picking up his slack and he is not adjusting his attitude because you and family bail him out.

Original poster

SebHH · 15/07/2023 21:00

I shan’t bail him out again- he knows this which is why he maintains that the problem, should it recur, is his to manage… though I take some of the (really helpful) points about the impact on me… thanks all for all your comments

OP posts:

Silvered · 15/07/2023 21:28

WTF? £30k is a massive amount of money to owe as an unsecured debt with nothing to show for it. How is he consistently spending beyond his means? And crucially, if he's so blase about dealing with it then why has he allowed you to pay it off twice now?

I'd be raging if my H did this. If you try and remortgage or need to take out a joint loan for any reason (home improvements?) it will absolutely affect you. It will affect you anyway because if Mr Spend-a-lot gets stuck with debt repayments what happens if costs continue to go up and you have to start subsidising him?

44PumpLane · 15/07/2023 21:32

But it's absolutely a joint problem......you've already sunk 30k into it and his sister has sunk money into it......and you've sunk joint savings into it.....which means everyone else keeps paying for him to spunk money up the wall (on what? What is all this cash going on)?

If he divorced you tomorrow his debt surely counts towards the marital pot ....so you'd be liable for half of it.

How can you get yourself financially separated from this man?

CalistoNoSolo · 15/07/2023 21:35

Goodness you're really minimising this. £30k is a massive debt to run up on fripperies, unless you're both on 6 figure salaries. And this is the third time he's done it? So circa £90k on basically nothing? And you don't really see it as a problem, because it would be divorce for me.

Hamburgerandchips · 15/07/2023 21:49

Overspending is an addiction, he won't change. I had an ex who ended up £70k in debt, loans, credit cards, overdraft. I got outta there fast when he said he wouldn't care if we lost the house because of it (he wanted to get a secured loan on the house) I feared losing the equity I had put in the house and if he had to go bankrupt I'm sure it would have affected me negatively through no fault of my own. I felt he didn't respect me or our future together if he was so prepared to put it at risk. Protect yourself and LEAVE!

PhoenixIsFlying · 15/07/2023 21:49

My ex was continually in debt which is why I never married him, it scared me so much.
Yes, if you are married then if he can't pay it off , it will be your problem too.

converseandjeans · 15/07/2023 23:56

I think you have wasted your inheritance & your joint savings.

I don't think I could stay long-term with him. Do you have children?

I don't think he will change & you risk losing the house.

INeedAnotherName · 16/07/2023 00:24

It will affect you when the bailiffs come knocking.

It will affect you when you can't buy the next house.

It will affect you if he tries to take out a loan secured on your house, and fails to keep up the repayments.

It will affect you when you have to pay all the living expenses when the monthly minimum of the debt is more than his monthly wages.

It will affect you if you ttc.

It will affect you if you try to leave. Debts are considered joint as well as assets. Half his debt will be yours.

caringcarer · 16/07/2023 01:35

If it's not your concern.then you shouldn't have bailed him out with your inheritance. I would stress so much with a DH who would do this I wouldn't be able to stay married to him. Has he repaid his sister yet?

FedUpWithEverything123 · 16/07/2023 01:42

Tbh I think his attitude towards this and towards you would spell the end of the marriage if I were you. That is HUGE debt he's built up, you've wasted your inheritance and joint savings on bailing him out. He's totally ungrateful it seems. And wtf is he spending all this money on?
He seems awful OP.

SD1978 · 16/07/2023 01:56

He's been (happily) bailed out twice. I assume he has so far failed to repay either you or his sister? He's blasé about it, and claiming he'll deal with it, because he is fully aware that you will deal with it when you inevitably find out about it again, or his family will. Does he have his name in any assets that can be used to pay this off, when it inevitably is in the thousands again? I'm so sorry- I couldn't live like this or with this man. He will fully overspends, not just by a little, and assumes he will be bailed out. He's a selfish git.

AmyFl · 16/07/2023 02:02

In the eyes of the law-because you are married -you are one entity. So it's just as much your debt as his.

P1ckledonionz · 16/07/2023 02:08

Did he pay you back for the first time you bailed him out? 30K is a huge amount of money.

Imogensmumma · 16/07/2023 02:11

I wouldn’t be having a joint savings account anymore with him, as I bet most of the savings were yours and it will stop him thinking he has that safety net there, that mummy… I mean his wife 🤣 will bail him out .

I agree you are minimising this, it’s a huge amount of money to just to overspend, that doesn’t make sense to me

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