Is my husband’s debt my problem?

[SebHH]

My husband and I pay most of our salaries into a joint account to cover joint expenses. We do this in proportion to our earnings so that we are each left with the same amount in our personal accounts to spend as we wish. Some years ago I realised my husband had built up a debt, around 30K, just accrued through spending more than he had, nothing huge but small overspends which added up over time. Around that time I inherited some money and we paid the debt off; maybe it wasn’t made explicit but my assumption was that it wouldn’t build up again. Over time though it did and, because of the interest he was paying, we again paid some of it off from joint savings and his sister gave him the money for the rest- the agreement was that he’d pay back both his sister and the money used from our savings over a couple of years (without any interest to pay). At the time I wanted some assurance that he would tell me if he we’re getting into debt again but he felt this to be unreasonable/intrusive; he sees any debt as an overspend of his personal account and therefore as his debt/his problem to sort out (nothing to do with me) whereas I can’t help but think that it must impact on me in some way/that although we have this division of joint and personal expenditure really that’s a bit artificial and it’s really all part of a shared pot

AIBU to want to know the detail of his finances because it’s his personal money/his debt to sort out or AINBU because really our money is shared/his financial position will impact on me?

put it this way, if you were to divorce, that debt would be viewed as belonging to both of you (marital debt) not his alone.
however if he was to die, unless the credit cards are linked (assuming it's a credit card and not a line of credit against the home) you would not be liable.

O yes this is massively your business as your married this is very much classed as your debt of things did go to shit! He clearly is crap with money he’s not learning you have already got him 30k out of the shit before….what a absolute asshole!

Sorry op but I’d be absolutely livid fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me!

What on earth is he buying in little dribs and drabs equating to 30k?!! Does he have a gambling problem? I’d really be digging deep here some people are just terrible with money!

Interesting that you "realised" he was in debt at exactly the same time as you inherited some money. Quite the coincidence.

I'm in a similar position right now. Thankfully not quite as much as your husband was. But my husband accrued about half of that and I didn't know. Same reasons as your OH just overspending and interest.

However it was all behind my back and I was absolutely livid. It has been made very very clear that if it happens again then we are done.

So I'm sorry OP I have no advice as I would be out the door if it ever happened again!

Stay together if your standards are that low but technically divorce him so that you aren’t financially linked. Then when he does it again (which he will as you’ve shown him it’s fine by bailing him out twice) at least you won’t be liable and will save your from repeating the mistake 3 times in a row.

Are you sure he isn't gambling?

I would leave someone who kept doing this. You’ve wasted your inheritance and savings on nothing.

£30k is a huge amount. To do it twice is unforgivable. Unless you are very wealthy, how can you live like that? His attitude to money may cost you your children's home at some point.

I couldn't live like that, knowing the rug could be pulled from under us with no warning. And his attitude shows it will happen again.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.

He’s absolutely having a laugh at your expense. There is something wrong with people who do this. Is he downwardly mobile, and trying to keep up with a lifestyle his parents could afford, but he can’t or is he flashing the cash?

what’s his salary?

I think you are being unbelievably laid back about this OP

You have an agreement that allows you each to retain spending money after bills etc accounted for.
Yet your DH has racked up an additional 30k and a further unspecified debt at least once more just spending on himself and is clearly just totally unable to spend within any limits despite them being agreed.

Why on earth did you use your inheritance to bail him out? How would the person who left you that money feel about it? And then he had the gall to ask his sister. That is 30k that could have sent your kids to uni or given them a house deposit. He is literally stealing from your kids (assuming you have or might have any) and his relatives.

But not only is he not remorseful nor seriously working to repay his debt, he is talking about future debt and so are you! It’s like it’s an inevitability and you are just discussing how it will be handled. Why on earth are you being so complacent about it? He needs serious help and possibly therapy.

I would be so furious and hurt I could not stay with this man. His behaviour is selfish, dangerous, risky and shows a total lack of care about your future.

Dp had this with his (now ex) wife
She ran up a lot of debts (including not paying bills) and he found out
He paid the whole lot off,she did exactly the same again so he left her
She was almost left bankrupt (blames him of course) and they are now divorced-we live carefully and zero debt
She's still the same-running up debts,can't pay them off and carries on as she is as she doesn't want to admit she can't afford her lifestyle
It won't stop-he'll run them up,you'll pay it off,he will then run up more etc

Right now, legally it's not your problem unless any of it is in joint names. That thing about "you're married so it's yours too" simply isn't true. If you were to divorce the debt can be divided up, but it's not a given.

The knock on effect for you (aside from the household finances aspect) is any association you have financially could affect your ability to get credit including the best mortgage deals.

The things that would concern me are:

What the hell is he spending this on? He's clearly got a habit of living beyond his means, i would want details of why this has become "necessary".

How is he servicing the debt? Borrowing money costs money, how is he meeting the repayments? If his repayment plan is "someone will bail me out again" that's a massive problem.

You will never accrue wealth with someone like that. You'll eventually find yourself in retirement in debt up to your eyeballs and no way out of it.

It’s your concern because he’s grabbed at least £30,000 from you.

At what point is he going to grow up? At what point will his overspending stop - when you have to sell your house to pay off his irresponsibility?

He won’t learn because he’s had other bail him out- id split out all finances.

This is insane. £30k is a serious amount of money - a decent car or a new bathroom and kitchen.

If you both have personal spending money and you haven't overspent, I assume this extra spending wasn't on things like holidays and socialising that included you? So he has racked up £30k in debt over spending on things for himself - what is it? - clothes, hobbies, drinking?

To be honest unless there is a visible explanation - wardrobes full of shoes and clothes, piles of records or a hectic social life I would begin to suspect drugs or gambling.

You were a fool to pay it off as he clearly has made no effort to change his behaviour.

I’m coming back to this thread after a bit of a gap- sorry… and many thanks for all your replies
After a conversation about it it’s clear that he sees this debt as accrued on his personal spending pot, so “his” debt. He experiences my attempts to manage it as intrusive and controlling and feels that expecting no debt gives him no “bandwidth”
I just wondered if anyone had any other thoughts
Thanks mumsnetters!

No bandwidth? No bandwidth for what - spending money he doesn't have?

Did you get to the bottom of how his debt is building up?

It does impact on you if you are spending your life financially linked to someone who sees no problem in regularly spending thousands of poundsmore than they earn with nothing to show for it.

He’s a leech.

If you were to split up. The debt would be considered a joint debt as would the savings each of you hold. So for example if you had savings of £50k in total and he had debt of £30k, in real terms you’d both have £15k of debt and £25K of savings.
he’s a knob!

Oh my effing god, why are you being so chilled about this? £30k is a lot of money, and was inheritance that could have gone towards some nice things for the family but he has blown it on “lots of small overspends”. How can £30k be “small overspends”? He must must be frittering away hundreds a month, and on what? Nothing.

Then rather than being contrite, he tells you “it’s none of your business, the debt is mine”.

Either he sits down with a spreadsheet and works out a budget for weekly spending which you give him after he hands over all his salary, which includes paying you and his sister back or you leave him.

I absolutely wouldn't be spending inheritance on someone else's debt.

Did he find it controlling to have you pay it off? For his sister and you to pay it off a second time? You could have a lot more savings or experiences like holidays if it weren't for his over spending. His overspending effectively moves money from you to him, I wonder how much of a contribution he's actually made to the joint bills and household when you take into account the bail out. You have been subsiding him all along. There is no equality in spending here, because other people's savings and inheritances have propped him up.

If he feels it's so controlling and it's his debt and sole responsibility then why isn't he paying you back for BOTH times? I hope he's paid his sister back fully. Though I would expect that this will just increase the debt he has. There's no way he believes you won't bail him out again. Words are just words, his actions show that he thinks he should get to buy whatever he wants and get bailed out by the women in his life.

If your DH is overspending every month then how does he plan to ever be able to service his debt? He has a problem and as you are married, you also have a problem.

I don’t know how you can be so casual about this. I certainly wouldn’t have wasted £30k inheritance bailing him out only to see him get back into debt again.

Oh god! I had forgotten that the OP had paid off his previous debt with her interitance and savings!

OP has he paid you back for that? If not this debt is absolutely your business!

Do not give him any more money to pay it off. Close all joint accounts and get him to sent his portion of the bills to you by direct debit. You need to make sure he has no access to your money.

I would not trust him at all now with any financial stuff.

If no one bailed him out he would be up to 60,000 by now. He has experienced no pain. He has no embarrassment that he had to be bailed out twice. Under no circumstances can he be bailed out again. Has he put the money back into savings? Has he...genuinely..got enough money to live out ? Keep your savings in your own name so he can't touch them.
I know it's frowned upon here giving a diagnosis but could he have ADHD where lack of control with money is common?