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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband’s debt my problem?

87 replies

SebHH · 15/07/2023 20:18

My husband and I pay most of our salaries into a joint account to cover joint expenses. We do this in proportion to our earnings so that we are each left with the same amount in our personal accounts to spend as we wish. Some years ago I realised my husband had built up a debt, around 30K, just accrued through spending more than he had, nothing huge but small overspends which added up over time. Around that time I inherited some money and we paid the debt off; maybe it wasn’t made explicit but my assumption was that it wouldn’t build up again. Over time though it did and, because of the interest he was paying, we again paid some of it off from joint savings and his sister gave him the money for the rest- the agreement was that he’d pay back both his sister and the money used from our savings over a couple of years (without any interest to pay). At the time I wanted some assurance that he would tell me if he we’re getting into debt again but he felt this to be unreasonable/intrusive; he sees any debt as an overspend of his personal account and therefore as his debt/his problem to sort out (nothing to do with me) whereas I can’t help but think that it must impact on me in some way/that although we have this division of joint and personal expenditure really that’s a bit artificial and it’s really all part of a shared pot

AIBU to want to know the detail of his finances because it’s his personal money/his debt to sort out or AINBU because really our money is shared/his financial position will impact on me?

OP posts:

TodayForTomorrow · 27/12/2023 18:39

You are married so yes. But he needs to do his part. I'd insist on him stepping up and sticking to a plan to pay back the money. Go to marriage counselling if needed. But if he won't engage then he is not playing his part, the marriage will be over and it will not be your fault.

GeneCity · 27/12/2023 18:53

I don't get it - you've bailed him out twice, yet he maintains that any debt he builds up is his responsibility. And even how the debt builds up each time makes no sense - small over-spends here and there over time. It can't really be that, it must be opening new credit accounts repeatedly over time, which has a very different ring to it. I couldn't put up with this, you should be a team, working together towards a common goal.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:00

SebHH · 27/12/2023 17:45

Hi there!
I have made progress in persuading him to close all credit cards except one and to make that one joint so I know what’s happening
My plan is to pay off current debt (and he pays back) so that we start at zero again
The agreement is that he doesn’t open any other credit cards and that we negotiate with each other before putting anything on credit
Im hoping it works…

What’s that old quote - ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result’?

You said back in July/Aug that you’d never bail in out again. What changed? And why would he change his habits if you’ll always bail him out eventually?

He needs to deal with his debt by actually changing his habits and paying it himself. You need to conserve your wealth, frankly, as he sounds a liability.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 19:02

Ask him when he intends to pay you back your inheritance and the savings you contributed to that he used on these debts that you aren't allowed an opinion on.

StoneTheCrone · 27/12/2023 19:08

Well that's hope over experience, if ever I saw it!

Why should he change if there are no consequences for his massive overspending.

I'd be wanting to see what he'd spent £90,000 on personally.

Blobblobblob · 27/12/2023 19:08

This is going to sound harsh but I am saying this with kindness and the best of intentions.

You are a mug.

He is a leech.

He does not respect you

He is incapable or unwilling to live within his means, it doesn't matter why - the end result is the same.

For the love of God wake up and put whatever spare money you have into private savings that he cannot access.

And divorce the twat. He doesn't think you deserve transparency and uses you as a resource to continue his ridiculous overspending. A petulant, entitled leech.

NumberTheory · 27/12/2023 19:20

SebHH · 27/12/2023 17:45

So you’ve bailed him out again and gone from a situation where he was running up debts in his own name and you were not legally responsible for them to a situation where he can run up debts that you are legally responsible for?

nutbrownhare15 · 27/12/2023 19:22

So you are bailing him out AGAIN? At what point will he start paying back all this debt as at the moment it looks like he is consistently overspending rather than saving to repay any of his debt to you. Why doesn't he pay off his own credit card if the plan is that he will pay this money back?

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 19:55

What small purchases cause this debt?

coodawoodashooda · 27/12/2023 19:55

Why not just give him pocket money I he can't afford to live within his means?

WhatHaveIDone21 · 27/12/2023 22:00

I've been in a similar position but not as much money. DH had a debt of a couple of thousand years ago and I paid it off. He was going through a hard time and I thought it would help to have a clean slate. We have completely separate finances.

Last year I found out he had run up a couple of thousand again. He says that it's not my concern because it's his debt and he is paying it off. I don't have debt (apart from mortgage) but he says plenty of people do and it's quite normal to be a few thousand in debt. So it seems we have completely different approaches to finances. I could help pay some of it off but I'm not going to.

It does affect me as he has poor credit so can't get a car on finance for example (which he wants). I really hate it and we have agreed to have a proper conversation this week and agree a way of him getting it all sorted.

drad · 27/12/2023 22:11

The situation you describe sounds a lot like a friend of mine. Actually, we are not really friends anymore because I am too brutally honest about her husband and they're both in denial but she keeps bailing him out along with his side of family. He is an overspender but there's also a gambling and cocaine problem too and she has basically cut me out because I stopped beating around the bush. She's enabling him and you're enabling him too (not saying there's a drug / gambling issue with you) but he's acting like a child. You're right to take control but also are you sure there's no gambling?

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