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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband’s debt my problem?

87 replies

SebHH · 15/07/2023 20:18

My husband and I pay most of our salaries into a joint account to cover joint expenses. We do this in proportion to our earnings so that we are each left with the same amount in our personal accounts to spend as we wish. Some years ago I realised my husband had built up a debt, around 30K, just accrued through spending more than he had, nothing huge but small overspends which added up over time. Around that time I inherited some money and we paid the debt off; maybe it wasn’t made explicit but my assumption was that it wouldn’t build up again. Over time though it did and, because of the interest he was paying, we again paid some of it off from joint savings and his sister gave him the money for the rest- the agreement was that he’d pay back both his sister and the money used from our savings over a couple of years (without any interest to pay). At the time I wanted some assurance that he would tell me if he we’re getting into debt again but he felt this to be unreasonable/intrusive; he sees any debt as an overspend of his personal account and therefore as his debt/his problem to sort out (nothing to do with me) whereas I can’t help but think that it must impact on me in some way/that although we have this division of joint and personal expenditure really that’s a bit artificial and it’s really all part of a shared pot

AIBU to want to know the detail of his finances because it’s his personal money/his debt to sort out or AINBU because really our money is shared/his financial position will impact on me?

OP posts:

Fingerbobs · 08/08/2023 08:30

It seems perfectly obvious to me that this debt has not been ‘cleared’. You paid off the original lender(s) so that more interest would not accrue but - and this is the crucial bit - he still has a debt. It’s to you. And he should be paying it off, to you. Every month until it’s cleared, as he would (apparently) have done himself had you ‘let’ him. Essentially you have just bought his debt, so fine, go ahead, let him pay it off. That way you are not worrying about your liabilities through his debt and he gets to feel like a responsible adult.

Mullingthediy · 08/08/2023 08:40

Gosh. There’s no hope really is there. He want his toys at all cost. He doesn’t care about you or his sister’s finances, which in turn affects the family as a whole. I’m not generally an LTB but I think if he were mine I’d be getting my ducks in a row. He’s incredibly selfish.

Parky04 · 08/08/2023 08:50

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is this reckless with money. I would have ended the relationship as soon as I found out they had built up £30k worth of debt!

He will always be in debt and at some point you will be having the bailiffs knocking on your door!

Silvered · 08/08/2023 08:56

Bandwidth for what? How the fuck has he racked up so much debt? £30k is an insane amount of money to owe with no explanation. The interest rate on it will be ridiculous. What happens if he loses his job? Or becomes ill and cannot work? His 'manana manana' approach is incredibly irresponsible, and presumably based on the fact that he thinks that you will provide.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I could not stay married to someone with such a blase attitude towards debt which is not only unnecessary, but which has been accrued for the third time (despite two previous bail outs) and with no credible explanation.

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2023 09:01

You say: Ok then, you should have refused my inheritance to pay it off but pay me back and I’ll leave your debt to you and never spare it another thought or penny. But if it stops us buying a house or similar we are on rocky grounds relationship wise, as that most certainly would affect me. Please set up a direct debit to repay me - what amount works for you?

oh. You did want it paid off and were happy to use my inheritance and don’t want to set up a dd to repay me. Well then it fucking well does concern me you hypocrite. I’m going to reduce my input to the joint account my 20 a week, and we will have to cut our spending. Please note that is US repaying me, not just you. You won’t have repaid me.

theemmadilemma · 08/08/2023 09:08

It's absolutely not on. As a married couple, living at the same address your credit records are intrinsicly linked and any debt on his side effects your ability both alone and as a couple to borrow both now and in the future.

I say this as someone who did exactly what your 'D'H is most of her adult life. Bailed out time and again.

When I sold my house and we moved to this one together and married we became more financially linked, having cleared my debts the deal was no more. Live to my means, and without the debt that was and is more than possible. And I've stuck to it. No credit here - I cannot trust myself. We regularly check over our credit records together to make sure everything is in order. I'm now very proud of my perfect credit score. It took a lot of change on my behalf, but it's absolutely no fair to spend in a way that stops you progressing together when the time comes because both your credit records are so shit.

BMW6 · 08/08/2023 09:10

Fine and dandy IF he pays back what he's borrowed from you and his sister!

Until he does he is totally answerable to you and her - how can he not see that?

Get your money back off him then cut him loose as if you are in a lifeboat tied to the Titanic.

CKL987 · 08/08/2023 09:32

Do you have a mortgage together? If you do then it is your problem. His debt will impact rates you are offered.

onefinemess · 08/08/2023 09:40

If the bailiffs come it will be for whatever is in the house or on the driveway. As a married couple, that means your stuff too.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/08/2023 09:43

Whatever he says he's abdicating responsibility because ultimately he's assuming you will bail him out. He's actually learnt that you will pay his debts. I wouldn't stay with this guy. He'll always let you do the worrying about money in your relationship. do you really want to find yourself bankrupted once you retire?

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/08/2023 09:49

As others have said he needs a wake up call - can you persuade him to at least write down everythign he spent so he can work out exactly how this persistent debt keeps on happening?

He is pissing money away that could go on paying your mortgage or into your pensions. Or if you are of the "live for today" persuasion - it could be spent on a new car or holiday of a lifetime rather than just trickling away on persistent overspending.

Jellyx · 08/08/2023 09:51

Honestly - after the 1st incident of debt you should have spoken as a couple and agreed a budget. Yes- he built up the debt but YOU failed to be engaged as a couple with your spending, you 'let him' get into debt again.
I'll make clear- that of course he made the choice to get into debt again and is responsible. But you're a couple - you chose not to talk about finances with him even after the 1st debt issue.

Kyokyo · 08/08/2023 09:53

Are you married with a mortgage ? Because if yes to either of those then his debt is your debt too because you a tied legally to each other. If he is just a DP then his finances are not linked to yours.

Personally though, I couldn't be with someone who continuously racks up debt and acts like is not a problem...

Jellyx · 08/08/2023 09:53

SebHH · 15/07/2023 21:00

I shan’t bail him out again- he knows this which is why he maintains that the problem, should it recur, is his to manage… though I take some of the (really helpful) points about the impact on me… thanks all for all your comments

Are you guys a team in marriage or not?
What if you got sick - it's not his problem???

Didn't you agree to walk together as a team - for better or worse, for richer or poorer.. why aren't you a team when it comes to finances?

I don't mean blindly keep paying for his choices - but you both managing finances with your eyes wide open and as a team

ChimneyPot · 08/08/2023 10:08

OP I worked as an advisor in debt services for years.

Given what you have written he will not change, if anything he will get worse. You cannot change his behaviour you can only change your response. Will you stay and enable his treatment of you and your family or will you leave.

Someone who was going to change would be remorseful. Your DH isn’t remorseful he feels he is entitled to spend like this.
Someone who wanted to change would have given you full access to their finances the first time they got into debt. Together you would have gone through every Penny he spent during the period he ran up debt to see where the excess spending was happening and come up with a budget to avoid future excess spending and to repay the money he borrowed from your inheritance.
He didn’t do that, he continued his excess spending and felt entitled to do so. He did the exact same thing again and then took money from you and your sister to enable him to continue his spending.
He has told you he will continue to behave this way and feels entitled to do this. You may well find that he has borrowed money from other friends and family too without telling you.
He will continue to suck money from everyone he can because he thinks he is worth it. Worth more than you, your family , his sister, her family, worth more than all of your futures.

If it took 5 years to run up £30k of debt that is £500 each month he took from your pocket and spent on himself.
You have no idea what he has spent the money on other than that he spends it on himself. It could be silly over spending or it could be gambling, drugs, porn or prostitution.
Whatever he it he has consistently put it over you, your family and your future and he has no intention of changing.
There might not be a convenient inheritance or sister to tap the next time. It could be friends or work colleagues if he hasn’t already tapped them. His parents if they are still alive.

He telling you every single day that he is worth more than you, your family and your marriage and that he doesn’t want to change.

Do you want to change or do you want to live like this?

I know that this is harsh but I have seen this so often. It’s really hard to work through when someone is committed to changing but he doesn’t even want to change.

historyrepeatz · 08/08/2023 11:38

Everything @ChimneyPot said. It has affected you, and will continue to affect you whether or not you bail him out.

DeeLusional · 27/12/2023 16:19

44PumpLane · 15/07/2023 21:32

But it's absolutely a joint problem......you've already sunk 30k into it and his sister has sunk money into it......and you've sunk joint savings into it.....which means everyone else keeps paying for him to spunk money up the wall (on what? What is all this cash going on)?

If he divorced you tomorrow his debt surely counts towards the marital pot ....so you'd be liable for half of it.

How can you get yourself financially separated from this man?

Whether it's a marital debt depends on which country/state you live in. If you're in California, you're stuffed. If you're in UK, only loans/debts taken out jointly are your problem.

Icelandic9 · 27/12/2023 16:24

Zombie thread!

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 16:39

Oh I didn't realise this was zombie. I read it aghast that someone could run up £30k on 'bits and pieces'!

@SebHH have things improved?

Original poster

SebHH · 27/12/2023 17:45

Hi there!
I have made progress in persuading him to close all credit cards except one and to make that one joint so I know what’s happening
My plan is to pay off current debt (and he pays back) so that we start at zero again
The agreement is that he doesn’t open any other credit cards and that we negotiate with each other before putting anything on credit
Im hoping it works…

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 27/12/2023 18:13

Is he planning to repay your 30K? Hard to see how you'll be "at zero" otherwise.

TheWickerWoman · 27/12/2023 18:19

So much incorrect information on this post.

I know it’s old but being married does not link you financially to someone with debt unless it’s a joint debt, a mortgage or you are their guarantor.

DeeLusional · 27/12/2023 18:22

SebHH · 27/12/2023 17:45

It won't. Sorry. He's whooping with joy that you've fallen for it again. I do hope I'm wrong but been there, done that. We separated when my children were toddlers, he never contributed a penny for their support.

AfraidToRun · 27/12/2023 18:29

He doesn't want you interfering as it would mean he has to change.

my advice)

Never turn unsecured debts into a secured debt I.e add to your mortgage
Never add your name to someone elses debt or lend money to cover debts without a guaranteed repayment plan (I.e inheritance, redundancy pay etc)

Themostimportantpartis · 27/12/2023 18:30

I had debt when I met DH, he supported me to pay it off (never paid any for me but kept me in line when I wanted to buy other things!)

Out of respect I no longer have more debt than I can pay off in full each month. We have joint finances and are honest, open and transparent. Personal debt would be a family problem.

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