To think this is a strange attitude from a ‘professional’.

[Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh]

Just graduated. First. Delighted, also nominated for a special award for writing…
ceremony booked for first day of holidays and my childminder is on holiday. We’re pretty much no contact or Xmas only with the entire family and I’ve not made any friends in this area/ couldn’t name a single parent at the school even. I’m just not very chatty/ can’t be bothered/ to busy trying to survive work and Uni etc .
so I decline the invitation at first - politely of course. The chap in the uni awards department then asks why I’m not going. I explain about having DS all day, chap says I can bring him, oh great, I shop online for a smart outfit for him and look for something fun nearby we could do afterwards. I’m then emailed again to push to buy tickets and hire gown etc. I decline the gown, explain I don’t want photos and the attire’s not mandatory. Offer to pay for single ticket for DS ( I’m free). Chap then sends a ridiculously long and weirdly worded email ( AI generated perhaps?)explaining to me that I need to purchase at least two tickets and bring another adult else DS can’t go. If I had another adult I could ask I would get them to watch DS wouldn’t I , FFS? Not sit through hours in a stuffy hall 🤦‍♀️
anyway this conversation was on my birthday, which I was spending alone with DS because that’s the reality of my life and this strange man is trying to tell me everyone has a friggin village.
anyway, I’ve told them I’m not bothered. The whole thing smacks of a money spinning exercise and if it’s anything like our ‘show’ it’ll be chaotic and poorly organised.
We’re off to the zoo instead.
the university is a joke anyway. I didn’t even bother to attend for two years of the three, I just taught myself and submitted work as if it were an online degree. Because there was absolutely nothing to gain from being there and the course and lectures were shit. WhatsApp group literally full of complaints and jokes about how awful it is.
Post graduate offer looks like a much better place. Maybe I’ll got to that ceremony. But this weird attitude from the awards office really just ices the cake of 3 years of poor experience and wishing I’d just done more research before enrolling. So even if I had another adult to come I’m not sure I’d want to give them my money now anyway!
Am I being stroppy? Or can you see my point?

Genuine question- what were you planning on doing with your DS during the ceremony? There are generally specific seats for graduates and they wait in an area that the guests aren’t allowed and then there is a big procession in. You don’t communicate with your guests at all through the ceremony part

Er, well, clearly you needed a rant and I hope you feel better for it. But no, I don't see anything that outrageous in their advice, nor was this person particularly someone who's obligated to give professional advice. You can take a child to a graduation, but you can't process with them so obviously they need another adult.

How old is the child? Unless the drip is he’s 17 then it seems pretty obvious you will be part of the graduation ceremony and wouldn’t be able to look after him.
I think the professor assumed you thought it was an adults only event and he was letting you know your DS could attend, but he was hardly going to walk on stage with you.

I was about to ask the same as your previous poster.

How old is your DS and how were you planning to manage his childcare during the ceremony? When I went to DHs ceremony, I was up on a balcony and all the graduates were down on the auditorium floor. It's my graduation in September, and I've not invited my DC as they'll be bored.

I only went to my graduation because my parents wanted me to if I'm honest. It was long, and boring, and the point of me doing my degree was to get the degree, not to get a picture of me holding a plastic tube with a ribbon on it (yes, they had you hold a fake degree certificate)

YANBU. You are a single mother, and there's some things that just aren't possible. I've had the same conversation over various things, and the attitude I get back determines whether I do whatever it is (or do it again) - eg. my dentist, who has happily accommodated me and everything from babies up to pre-teens - receptionist rocking the baby while my teeth were done, me and all the kids hanging out in the room taking our turns etc.

I have friends, I have a minder, but sometimes they aren't available. Sometimes it's me and the kids and I have no choice.

You do have a choice in going to the ceremony, you don't have a choice in looking after your child. YADNBU to be miffed that this guy didn't listen to what you were saying, and put pressure on you.

Well yes, DS would be fine he’s essentially an 40 year old man in an 8yr olds body. He would have no problem being parked next to the families of one of my Uni peers. Having said that, I appreciate that he’ll be bored stiff which was why I was going to reward him with an attraction nearby afterwards as I mentioned earlier.
it was more the way this whole thing was worded, odd style of communication and the assumption that I would be able to magic up someone to come with me when I explained the reasons I needed to bring him in the first place.
completely over it now. Looking forward to the zoo.

She told them she couldn't go because of her son. She'd assumed that it wasn't practical but was specifically told that she could bring a child she had no childcare for. That did rather imply that it would be made possible. I'm sure I've heard of a university making arrangements for a graduand to sit separately to the main group because of particular needs.

Sorry but your whole OP is strange.
Fab results in your degree. A first! Great.

Then total confusion about how a graduation ceremony works out.

And because it doesn't play out like you imagined, the whole degree course was a shitshow.

The course you were pleased to excel in.

I think you are being stroppy.

@RecycleMePlease yes! Same. I’ve had dental work done with DS sat in a buggy with an iPad next to me. The dentist kept warning him ‘drill noise coming’ ‘sucky noise coming’ and DS was intrigued by the whole thing- good as gold.

anyway, I found myself looking this chap up. He comes from a background where families tend to stay together - multiple generations in the same house, shared burdens of child rearing and so on. Maybe there’s a cultural misunderstanding somewhere and I’m being mean. It was the way he said ‘you must not come to xxxxx you will not be allowed to attend’ - like chill out, I’ve just spend £60 on zoo tickets I won’t be crashing the ceremony will I .

Yes I think you are being stroppy about your ticket for DS.

However

You are not wrong that graduation is a total money spinner, they will try to squeeze a couple of extra hundred out of you for gown and really crappy photos (even the ‘cheap package’ will likely cost you £50+ and will consist one decent sized photo and about twenty teeny tiny ones that will go straight in the bin. You will look a mess but they will take the photo and charge you anyway because there will be a queue halfway down the road)

So YANBU to skip graduation. Excellent idea in fact. Enjoy your day.

“anyway, I found myself looking this chap up. He comes from a background where families tend to stay together - multiple generations in the same house, shared burdens of child rearing and so on.”

Sorry but you are being ridiculous here. This is university policy, not one man’s personal opinion! Any I think you need to be careful about making assumptions about people’s backgrounds.

@thistimelastweek
the course I found extremely easy. I graded a full house of A’s across every single task. I’d been working in the profession already and probably should have just tried to get on an MA instead. The degree was very much about the certificate and not the experience. The uni itself is chaotic with last minute cancellations, tutors disappearing, poorly resourced and underfunded which is why my remote approach to completing it was probably a smart move.
I was happy to accept I could not go because of childcare I told them this, but then I was told I could take him, then told I couldn’t …
surely you see the frustration there? After years of ignored emails, poor management, almost no contact with staff and all they want is for me to spend more money. Meh. It’s done now.

As a graduate, a now a professional yourself. Yes, I think it's a strange attitude for you to have. You clearly don't want to go - so don't go. No biggie. No need to fuss about it.

I’ve been misunderstood here. I’m not blaming the policy or the system. It’s logical enough. This man was refusing to believe I don’t have any friends or family to help with childcare or would want to come to the ceremony . He couldn’t understand that I have literally nobody other than the childminder. If I got I’ll my kids would need to be accommodated by the LA. Without copy and pasting the entire conversation it’s perhaps hard to explain but he just wouldn’t accept I didnt have anyone else around me, he said things like ‘your parents’ ‘your friends’ and I don’t have any. That’s the bit that miffed me.

I hear you.

You've done well and you should be proud.

Truth is your boy has been spared a very boring event but it would have been joyous if he could have shared your success.

Let it go and enjoy the success you've earned

Woah, I was kind of on the fence until this bit...

A) You looked the guy up (bit weird)

but then...

B) You assumed his cultural background and then decided that that must the reason why he's given you advice that is quite clearly the policy of the university as a whole...

Yeah - think you've made yourself look a bit silly there. You are taking this far too personally, and also projecting massively. Either way, you come across as if you have a big old chip on your shoulder.

anyway, I found myself looking this chap up. He comes from a background where families tend to stay together - multiple generations in the same house, shared burdens of child rearing and so on.

Wow. That’s quite the assumption you’ve made there.

@DeedlessIndeed
at the risk of sounding childish, he started it, he persistently implied that I was just being tight about ticket purchasing and referred to ‘my family’ as if I actually had anyone that would want to come. It upset me, it wasn’t about the cost of purchasing tickets it was the fact that he couldn’t get it in his head that I don’t have anyone in my life that would be able to care for my boy or attend with me. And I declined at the beginning before being asked why, then being told I could take him and ok y at the pint I tried to buy DS a ticket I was stopped from doing so. But yeah he implied I was just being awkward and stingey by not inviting guests, they want you to buy 4 tickets each.
Also, I’m very familiar with his cultural background as I was once living within it. And yes it’s much more family orientated and people tend to stay close to their parents etc. Marriage is important etc.
it’s a fact not an inference. But I might be wrong to assume that this influenced his inability to imagine that I have zero support .

You aren't being at all unreasonable. You were told it was absolutely fine to bring a child with no childcare, then, after you'd gone to the trouble of arranging the trip and spending money, told rudely that you couldn't. I don't get why anyone is suggesting you should have known you couldn't when you were told very clearly that you could and were encouraged to do so! And yes, cultural differences could explain the attitude, as it's normal in some countries for families and friends to support one another, much less so in Britain. It's also more common in some cultures for events to be child-inclusive.

I hope you have a great zoo day anyway!

Much more fun.

I never went to any of my graduations. Far too boring and I felt it was odd going alone anyway. I never even picked up my BA degree certificate because I hated the place (Oxbridge, very similar to your uni description in my experience)!

@Indigotree thank you! You understand my point. It want the fact they couldn’t accommodate us, I was fine with that it was the fact they effectively invited him and let me buy and outfit and make plans and then backtrack and refuse to accept I didn’t have anyone else to bring.
I feel better knowing you chose not to go to yours too. I think they are just money scams to be honest. I did want to go, and I’d hot excited about the fact that DS would be there so it smarts a bit .if they’d just accepted my decision not to come in the beginning all this would have been saved and I wouldn’t be bitter about it.

This 100%

This man was refusing to believe I don’t have any friends or family to help with childcare or would want to come to the ceremony . He couldn’t understand that I have literally nobody other than the childminder.

Why are you offended at his assumption that no-one has 'no-one' in life, but happy to intrude into his privacy, by "looking him up" and then make assumptions about what might (or might not) be the case about his family life ?

Obviously, as far as the Graduation ceremony is concerned, that is neither here nor there. If you don't want to go, then don't, but would you not be more comfortable having people in your life that might be able to step in if needed ? I think your statement about the Local Authority looking after him if you were ill sounds really strange.

Yanbu (and that guy is obvs an idiot). Enjoy your day at the zoo with ds. Graduations are v boring, you'll defo have much more fun at the zoo.
Congrats on the degree!

The only "strange attitude" here is yours. You seem to think you are far superior to anyone associated with this university.

@UsingChangeofName
im not blaming him for the policy though. I’d assumed DS couldn’t go which meant I couldn’t and told him this. He then told me that DS was welcome, so I bought him an outfit and got excited about sharing the day with him. But I then attempt to purchase DS ticket and at that point an told I have to bring another adult. I say I can’t , chap says but you must, invite your family or friends to come. I don’t have any … he refuses to accept this and tries to push me to buy the extra ticket. I refuse. I’m upset because I’m disappointed now because the stupid man should have not told me to that I could take him when I couldn’t .

You looked him up and put his response down to his culture. Of course you can't take a child to a seremony without another adult.