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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a strange attitude from a ‘professional’.

103 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 20:13

Just graduated. First. Delighted, also nominated for a special award for writing…
ceremony booked for first day of holidays and my childminder is on holiday. We’re pretty much no contact or Xmas only with the entire family and I’ve not made any friends in this area/ couldn’t name a single parent at the school even. I’m just not very chatty/ can’t be bothered/ to busy trying to survive work and Uni etc .
so I decline the invitation at first - politely of course. The chap in the uni awards department then asks why I’m not going. I explain about having DS all day, chap says I can bring him, oh great, I shop online for a smart outfit for him and look for something fun nearby we could do afterwards. I’m then emailed again to push to buy tickets and hire gown etc. I decline the gown, explain I don’t want photos and the attire’s not mandatory. Offer to pay for single ticket for DS ( I’m free). Chap then sends a ridiculously long and weirdly worded email ( AI generated perhaps?)explaining to me that I need to purchase at least two tickets and bring another adult else DS can’t go. If I had another adult I could ask I would get them to watch DS wouldn’t I , FFS? Not sit through hours in a stuffy hall 🤦‍♀️
anyway this conversation was on my birthday, which I was spending alone with DS because that’s the reality of my life and this strange man is trying to tell me everyone has a friggin village.
anyway, I’ve told them I’m not bothered. The whole thing smacks of a money spinning exercise and if it’s anything like our ‘show’ it’ll be chaotic and poorly organised.
We’re off to the zoo instead.
the university is a joke anyway. I didn’t even bother to attend for two years of the three, I just taught myself and submitted work as if it were an online degree. Because there was absolutely nothing to gain from being there and the course and lectures were shit. WhatsApp group literally full of complaints and jokes about how awful it is.
Post graduate offer looks like a much better place. Maybe I’ll got to that ceremony. But this weird attitude from the awards office really just ices the cake of 3 years of poor experience and wishing I’d just done more research before enrolling. So even if I had another adult to come I’m not sure I’d want to give them my money now anyway!
Am I being stroppy? Or can you see my point?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 21:28

@Threenow
Im a skint single parent without a friend in the world . How could I possibly assume I’m superior? I’m gutted because after I said I couldn’t go because of DS he told me I could go, I spent money , bought outfits made plans. He then wouldn’t accept I couldn’t magic up another adult at the point of booking. So I’m disappointed. Whereas if he hadn’t told me I could bring him in the first place none of this would have happened.

OP posts:
AlwaysColdHands · 15/07/2023 21:28

sounds like layers of miscommunication here: and incorrect assumptions made by both of you to be honest.
My institution wouldn’t let an unaccompanied 8 year old sit with anyone else and you’ve spared him a probably dull experience at great cost.

be proud of yourself for your accomplishments and let this go. I hope you go onto great things!

fuchiaknickers · 15/07/2023 21:36

I understand now that this man was being individually pushy.
Quite natural to be disappointed. Glad you have made plans to go to the zoo instead - I think you will have a much nicer time there anyway.

I think that what this has probably highlighted though is the down-side to having literally no personal adult relationships. It makes life extremely inconvenient and (though I am hesitant to make any further assumptions on this thread) possibly rather lonely, not just for you but for your child also.

If you were to become ill, I am sure he would much rather stay with a known adult than go into emergency care.

Now that you have finished studying (congratulations!) you may find you have more time to start developing some personal connections, for both your sakes.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/07/2023 21:39

There's nothing more remarkable than you found yourself on the receiving end of a hard sell salesman. Everything you say he told you is straight out of a How To Be The Greatest Alpha Male Salesman/This Book Is The Same As An MBA book from over 20 years ago. Each time you said no, he treated you as though you were 'blocking' him and he had to knock that down. He wouldn't leave it. He would chuck in something to try and make you feel like you were getting a special deal from him and then tried guilt and lectures.

It's like sitting listening to the shit that my ex used to spout in 2000.

Bookish88 · 15/07/2023 21:45

Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 21:24

@UsingChangeofName
im not blaming him for the policy though. I’d assumed DS couldn’t go which meant I couldn’t and told him this. He then told me that DS was welcome, so I bought him an outfit and got excited about sharing the day with him. But I then attempt to purchase DS ticket and at that point an told I have to bring another adult. I say I can’t , chap says but you must, invite your family or friends to come. I don’t have any … he refuses to accept this and tries to push me to buy the extra ticket. I refuse. I’m upset because I’m disappointed now because the stupid man should have not told me to that I could take him when I couldn’t .

But you could take him. You just couldn't take him and supervise him yourself. Which anyone who knows anything about the way a graduation ceremony typically works would fully understand. He didn't lie to you. And your comments about researching his background frankly make your own behaviour far worse than anything he did/said to you.

NameChange245 · 15/07/2023 21:50

Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 20:35

@RecycleMePlease yes! Same. I’ve had dental work done with DS sat in a buggy with an iPad next to me. The dentist kept warning him ‘drill noise coming’ ‘sucky noise coming’ and DS was intrigued by the whole thing- good as gold.

anyway, I found myself looking this chap up. He comes from a background where families tend to stay together - multiple generations in the same house, shared burdens of child rearing and so on. Maybe there’s a cultural misunderstanding somewhere and I’m being mean. It was the way he said ‘you must not come to xxxxx you will not be allowed to attend’ - like chill out, I’ve just spend £60 on zoo tickets I won’t be crashing the ceremony will I .

You looked him up 🫣? Why? Where? You sound a bit creepy and OTT, OP

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 21:58

@Bookish88
I probably shouldn’t have looked at his university profile ( similar to LinkedIn) but his tone and attitude was really getting to me by now, he’s very open about his culture (a culture I know and have lived among) and they literally are very tight families whereby the grandparents almost always help with the kids etc. As for the rules regarding the graduation , Because how the hell do I know what a graduation ceremony looks like other than videos online, many of those have graduates walking across with babies in their arms and stuff. I assumed I could sit in the guests bit and that when my group was called I’d just jump onto the line. Again, if I declared that I couldn’t go because it’s just DS and I, then I assumed him telling me he could come meant some sort of arrangement had been made. I was wrong. But he was rude to keep pressing the issue of inviting this fictitious family of mine.

OP posts:
Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 21:59

You call him strange - but you're the one who started an MN thread, writing in the tone of a teenager. Looked him up and blamed his culture.
All over a simple miscommunication.
And you call him 'the stupid man'.

How on earth did you graduate with a First and win an award to boot? Or are you one of those 'academic but no common sense' types?

Baisksomwms · 15/07/2023 22:01

Also I cannot see where he kept pushing you - he sent ONE email.
That, according to you, was long and strangely worded
Not inclined to believe you tbh given how you write here

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:02

@NameChange245
on his profile page at the university ( like LinkedIn type thing) there’s a link under their signatures sometimes and it brings up a photo and some information about them. I was cross and thinking of complaining about him at that point because I was upset at the wasted money and telling my DS he couldn’t come when this bloke had said he could etc. I’m sure I’m being grumpy but for all kinds of reasons this has been upsetting for me.

OP posts:
NameChange245 · 15/07/2023 22:03

What subject did you get your first in OP?

NameChange245 · 15/07/2023 22:04

Also, how old r you?

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:08

@NameChange245
late twenties. It’s a BA in something creative.

OP posts:
GCSister · 15/07/2023 22:13

I suspect the member of staff assumed you had family coming to the ceremony which is why he said it was okay for you to bring your son. It very common for students to have no childcare because their families/partners are attending the ceremony itself.
He will deal with that scenario all the time....

He shouldn't had made those assumptions but I can see why he might.

There's no way you can leave an 8 year old unaccompanied during the ceremony. I can't believe you thought you could.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:14

@Baisksomwms
I wouldn’t even describe myself as academic. I have a talent and a niche knowledge around one particular thing. Executive functioning, socially and practically I’m an absolute shit show.
I can’t drive, I don’t have a friend in the world, I can’t cook and I’m fucking hideous to look at.

OP posts:
Wheezycheezeball · 15/07/2023 22:16

I’m not going to say where this was as people here may have attended and this is already outing. I graduated a few years back with my then 5 year old sat on my knee and he came up with me to receive my award, he was also hit on the head with the hat thing and got the biggest cheer from the crowd. It was a creative qualification so maybe they’re more relaxed but I pointed out how unfair
and discriminatory the system was (and expensive!) for single parents and was told of course he could take part. That said there were a variety of strangely behaved graduates so my five year old fidgeting was the least disruptive.

these ridiculously outdated ceremonies need to get with the times.

AutieNOT0tie · 15/07/2023 22:20

Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 20:42

@thistimelastweek
the course I found extremely easy. I graded a full house of A’s across every single task. I’d been working in the profession already and probably should have just tried to get on an MA instead. The degree was very much about the certificate and not the experience. The uni itself is chaotic with last minute cancellations, tutors disappearing, poorly resourced and underfunded which is why my remote approach to completing it was probably a smart move.
I was happy to accept I could not go because of childcare I told them this, but then I was told I could take him, then told I couldn’t …
surely you see the frustration there? After years of ignored emails, poor management, almost no contact with staff and all they want is for me to spend more money. Meh. It’s done now.

They probably 'ass'umed you were bringing a partner who would watch the child. I'm guessing this man has never had to organise childcare

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:21

@GCSister I appreciate this. I get it. But the venue is small. I’ve never attended anything like it before, so how could I have known about how long it would take and the processes involved. I saw graduation videos of people there with their kids . I assumed I could sit with him and just go collect the bit of paper. I had no intention of doing the photos or wearing the gown or anything so we could have skipped this bit. It’s the order the information was given to me, it was really a case of wishing he’d just accepted my email to decline to begin with. Also the way he kept discussing my guests , I don’t have any for upsetting reasons and he lacked any awareness of this.

OP posts:
saraclara · 15/07/2023 22:22

Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 20:46

I’ve been misunderstood here. I’m not blaming the policy or the system. It’s logical enough. This man was refusing to believe I don’t have any friends or family to help with childcare or would want to come to the ceremony . He couldn’t understand that I have literally nobody other than the childminder. If I got I’ll my kids would need to be accommodated by the LA. Without copy and pasting the entire conversation it’s perhaps hard to explain but he just wouldn’t accept I didnt have anyone else around me, he said things like ‘your parents’ ‘your friends’ and I don’t have any. That’s the bit that miffed me.

Show quote history

Presumably he assumed that you'd have a family guest or partner attending. And that their attendance would mean that they couldn't provide childcare for your son at home. So allowing your son to come and sit with that person would make perfect sense.

Your life is unusual in that there is no friend or relative that you want to invite. So it's quite reasonable for him to assume that there would be.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:25

@Wheezycheezeball this sounds fabulous! And I’ve seen videos of ceremonies like this with kids involved and I suppose a bit of me hoped this was what it would be like. I’ve bought a bloody dress now! And DS a shirt . I’ve never got any reason to wear the damned thing , I’m furious about it. It does sound like the zoos gonna be a better option but I just wish I’d gone with that from the off.

OP posts:
GCSister · 15/07/2023 22:25

I completely understand that if you've never attended a ceremony before that you might not know how they work. I remember that feeling.

However, I think the staff member was just doing his job and trying to he helpful so I feel you've been a bit harsh!

For many students graduation is a big deal so staff will often do what they can to help students attend.

Paperbagsaremine · 15/07/2023 22:32

Wheezycheezeball · 15/07/2023 22:16

I’m not going to say where this was as people here may have attended and this is already outing. I graduated a few years back with my then 5 year old sat on my knee and he came up with me to receive my award, he was also hit on the head with the hat thing and got the biggest cheer from the crowd. It was a creative qualification so maybe they’re more relaxed but I pointed out how unfair
and discriminatory the system was (and expensive!) for single parents and was told of course he could take part. That said there were a variety of strangely behaved graduates so my five year old fidgeting was the least disruptive.

these ridiculously outdated ceremonies need to get with the times.

Yes, I was thinking OP should have a grumble to the "Diversity and Inclusion" (or whatevs) rep.

She has an admirably pragmatic view of the graduation ceremony, and is irked, I suspect, more by the very mixed, unhelpful messages coming from the uni, than by not being able to do the darn thing. Get your story straight, guys!

But the next single Mum might want to do it - just for herself perhaps.

UsingChangeofName · 15/07/2023 22:40

But you could take him. You just couldn't take him and supervise him yourself. Which anyone who knows anything about the way a graduation ceremony typically works would fully understand. He didn't lie to you. And your comments about researching his background frankly make your own behaviour far worse than anything he did/said to you.

This ^
and
This

Presumably he assumed that you'd have a family guest or partner attending. And that their attendance would mean that they couldn't provide childcare for your son at home. So allowing your son to come and sit with that person would make perfect sense.

Your life is unusual in that there is no friend or relative that you want to invite. So it's quite reasonable for him to assume that there would be.

I assumed I could sit with him and just go collect the bit of paper. I had no intention of doing the photos or wearing the gown or anything so we could have skipped this bit.

How can you have got to the stage of getting a degree, without being aware that the graduation ceremony is just ceremonial ? Well, reading all your posts, you haven't - you said you accepted you couldn't go, earlier on, so you did know. If you opt in to a ceremony, then you accept the way that ceremony is. Of course you need a gown. You don't have to take photos of it, but that's somewhat unusual to go to the trouble of dressing up and not doing so.

Original poster
Stuckinthemiddlewithhugh · 15/07/2023 22:57

@UsingChangeofName
It clearly states that he cap and gown is not compulsory but smart clothes are. I wasn’t going to do the cap and gown. If it was just my school at the ceremony we would be looking at about 60 graduates or so, I later discovered that there are multiple schools across the Uni being processed together. Its not a popular or highly ranked place, and I equated its low status, and the optional academic attire as meaning it would be a more causal and flexible approach. Clearly I’m thick. I appreciate this now. I will return the clothes and consider it lesson learnt. I’m suffering a particularly persistently period of depression at the moment and I normally wouldn’t care about something like this but I’ve been in tears for days with it. I want to forget about it because I’m disappointed and they persisted with emails (which I should have ignored, but here we are) dragging the whole thing out. I’m sure I’ll regain some perspective now it’s been settled and I’ve arranged something nice to do instead.

OP posts:
ocdisrubbish · 15/07/2023 23:04

Hi Op, congratulations on your degree and try not to let this miscommunication marr it for you. I know you said upthread you have difficulty with socialising etc so let me try to explain what I assume the man was thinking in this scenario:

Man: ah the graduate thinks that children aren’t allowed! I better let her know that they are allowed and she can bring her son so no one misses out.

op: ah great, I can bring my son and just get a ticket god him.

man: oh dear, the graduate hasn’t realised she’ll have to get tickets for the family/friends watching her son too. I assume she had discussed with fellow students how the graduation works and that guests sit separately so I assume she has already arranged for her family and friends to attend

op: this man keeps referring to family and friends that I don’t have and is being pushy

man: I just want to make sure that all guests who I assume are attending the graduation have tickets so everything runs smoothly

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