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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DD going away over Christmas?

81 replies

ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 15:23

I feel really bad about it as it means ExH won’t get to go away either.

Share DD 9, with ExH. CAO in place.

We live close enough that we split Christmas, 1 year I have her Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning until 12.30pm and ExH has her 12.30pm Christmas Day until 9am on 27th, then next year we switch, although we tend to do 2 years in each arrangement then switch for 2 years.

ExH has just asked if he can have DD 23rd December until 27th December as a one off. His parents are going away to their holiday home in Scotland for the first time since precovid and he’d like to join them.

DD wants to do our usual arrangement, this year its ExHs turn to have her Christmas Eve and morning, and I was really looking forward to having her for lunch with my very elderly grandparent who adores her.

If I say no then ExH has nowhere to go due to his sibling and their family joining his parents and he won’t not want to see DD at Christmas. Due to the reasons for the split he cannot join us for lunch so after lunchtime he’d be alone.

AIBU to say no?

For context ExH has DD every other weekend for 2 nights, no other times at all even though he lives 2 miles from us and could see her anytime he wanted. He won’t even have her extra in the summer holidays and if he has AL he usually goes away with friends rather than DD. It’d be the first time he’s ever taken DD away on holiday although she has been on school residentials and Brownies Camps so is used to staying away from me for 3-4 nights at a time.

OP posts:
Bookish88 · 15/07/2023 15:27

I'd probably be led by DD. You have to explain to her she can't have the usual arrangement this year, it's one or the other. Attach no guilt to her decision and allow her to decide. If she chooses to go, you can have your own Christmas with her the week before/after.

nokidshere · 15/07/2023 15:28

Well if it were my daughter I would first have a conversation with her and take it from there. If she wanted to go then I would let her.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:29

I have to say when I was a child I was very appreciative that my divorced parents rotated Christmases and we didn’t have to endure half days. I feel a bit bad for kids who have to do the two-Christmas dance because neither parent wants to lose out.

It sounds like it would be a lovely trip with a man you presumably trust and presumably she’s close to? You can’t deny that just because your grandparent adores her. Can’t the adoring grandparent see her another time?

I know she’s said she’d rather do what she normally does but I find kids tend to go with what’s easiest, rather than what a parent known will be nicer for them, and a Christmas in Scotland would be a lovely experience.

Whattodo112222 · 15/07/2023 15:30

I'd let your DD decide tbh

MollysBrolly · 15/07/2023 15:30

It's one year that will different.
Does she know you don't want her to go because that's juke be influencing her

Parisj · 15/07/2023 15:33

I understand giving older DC the choice, but presumed with younger children the parent should choose to agree or not to the change? Otherwise children will have too much responsibility for parents feelings? As he has asked well in advance and you understand his reasons, and if it's likely to be a decent family occasion for DD, I would have been inclined to say yes, but obviously it doesn't suit you and that's ok too.

Original poster
ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 15:33

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:29

I have to say when I was a child I was very appreciative that my divorced parents rotated Christmases and we didn’t have to endure half days. I feel a bit bad for kids who have to do the two-Christmas dance because neither parent wants to lose out.

It sounds like it would be a lovely trip with a man you presumably trust and presumably she’s close to? You can’t deny that just because your grandparent adores her. Can’t the adoring grandparent see her another time?

I know she’s said she’d rather do what she normally does but I find kids tend to go with what’s easiest, rather than what a parent known will be nicer for them, and a Christmas in Scotland would be a lovely experience.

@WeetabixTowels The half days where decided in court and all 3 of us are happy with the usual arrangement of split days, he lives literally 2 miles from me so it's not like she spends a few hours in the car, we usually alternate between him picking her up with his dogs and me dropping her off.

OP posts:
Whinge · 15/07/2023 15:33

I suspect your DD has said she wants to do what she normally does as she doesn't want to upset you by going away. I think it would be a fantastic trip and you should encourage her to go.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 15/07/2023 15:35

I'd encourage her to go as a one off. May work in your favour if in the future you need her for longer etc.

Qilin · 15/07/2023 15:36

Your dd wants to keep things as normal. I think she's old enough to have her view listened too.

And dh not having anywhere to go - could he not have dd as planned and then travel to his parents on Christmas Day after dropping her off.

You're concerned that he wouldn't want to miss his Christmas time with dd. Is he concerned you wouldn't want to miss your time with dd over Christmas too?

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:37

ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 15:33

@WeetabixTowels The half days where decided in court and all 3 of us are happy with the usual arrangement of split days, he lives literally 2 miles from me so it's not like she spends a few hours in the car, we usually alternate between him picking her up with his dogs and me dropping her off.

Show quote history

Fair enough, in which case I think it’s a good opportunity to remind him ‘If I want to amend the order for a holiday, then when my time comes you say yes’.

Qilin · 15/07/2023 15:38

I feel a bit bad for kids who have to do the two-Christmas dance because neither parent wants to lose out.

Not all children feel that way though.
My nieces, who are both old enough to decide, chose the split day as THEY want to see both parents.

Coffeeforus · 15/07/2023 15:40

Be guided on what DD would like, but bear in mind she may be getting negative vibes from you and want the statue quo to please you. A Christmas in Scotland with her paternal family sounds lovely for a change and it’s only one year.

My parents were divorced when I was 5 and we lived in another country back then (other side of world). My DF brought me to the UK 3 times when I was 7, 9, and 11 years old to stay over Christmas for 8 weeks with my paternal family. It was absolutely wonderful for me to re-connect with my relatives from the other side of the world and I still have fond memories of the trips. Let your DD go, and you, like my DM (who also did the bulk of the parenting), can have a belated Christmas with your family when she is back. No, it won’t be quite the same, but look at the bigger picture of your DD building a relationship with her paternal family which is invaluable.

MummaEllie · 15/07/2023 15:46

If it was me I would ask my daughter what she wanted to do at Christmas. I would also ask what was putting her off the trip?
If your daughter was comfortable with it maybe he could take her and cut his trip shorter to bring her home.
I would never force my children to do/go somewhere they didn't feel comfortable

Addymontgomeryfan · 15/07/2023 15:49

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:29

I have to say when I was a child I was very appreciative that my divorced parents rotated Christmases and we didn’t have to endure half days. I feel a bit bad for kids who have to do the two-Christmas dance because neither parent wants to lose out.

It sounds like it would be a lovely trip with a man you presumably trust and presumably she’s close to? You can’t deny that just because your grandparent adores her. Can’t the adoring grandparent see her another time?

I know she’s said she’d rather do what she normally does but I find kids tend to go with what’s easiest, rather than what a parent known will be nicer for them, and a Christmas in Scotland would be a lovely experience.

When I was at court for the CAO for my DC my barrister advised me not to ask for a split of the day, but to ask to alternate Christmas day. It's much better for the children and they actually end up with 2 Christmas days every year.

doingthehokeykokey · 15/07/2023 15:49

Ask her. It sounds like you’re listing reasons that work towards what YOU want. I’d feel the same, but don’t deny her just because he’s a bit lightweight.

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 15/07/2023 15:49

If I'm honest, I'd encourage her to go and have your elderly folk and her for a lovely dinner on 28th.

it's a one off and causes less ripples, I expect she is saying no for your sake

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 15:53

Due to the reasons for the split he cannot join us for lunch so after lunchtime he’d be alone.

If he can’t join you I’m assuming some kind of abuse, controlling or coercive behaviour on his part meaning you won’t have him in your home? If that’s the case then he only has himself to blame! YANBU to say no.

42wordsfordrizzle · 15/07/2023 15:54

He can have her on 24th and morning of 25th, then he can go up to his parents place. Or you have her 24th and morning of 25th and then he drives to his parents with her.

It's his parents holiday home, it's not as if she won't get lots of opportunities to go there again.

Your daughter is allowed to want to be with both parents over Christmas, and not made to choose which one to spend Christmas with. She's 9, she's doesn't need a change at Christmas, she will want everything to be the same, just like most of us. And you're the primary parent so of course she'll want to see you at Christmas.

And you're allowed to think about how you feel, and that you want to spend Christmas with her. Not unreasonable to say no to 23rd to 27th, he can have her before or afterwards- he's the one who's going away, don't be guilt tripped into letting her go. It's only because it's Christmas, I can't imagine- from my own similar experience- that he'd be asking if it was any other time of the year.

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 15:56

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 15:53

Due to the reasons for the split he cannot join us for lunch so after lunchtime he’d be alone.

If he can’t join you I’m assuming some kind of abuse, controlling or coercive behaviour on his part meaning you won’t have him in your home? If that’s the case then he only has himself to blame! YANBU to say no.

Or maybe the OP left him for another man and the other man wont allow he ex into the house?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 15:58

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 15:56

Or maybe the OP left him for another man and the other man wont allow he ex into the house?

Show quote history

True! In that case I’d think the OP probably is being unreasonable so perhaps not possible to really advise without the full story.

42wordsfordrizzle · 15/07/2023 15:59

All these posters saying it's a one-off - why would it be? It's his parents holiday home in Scotland, why wouldn't they go every Christmas? And want to have her every second year for 5 days over Christmas?

Her father has made the decision that he's going away over Christmas - and lovely as lots of Scotland is, it's not a once in a lifetime opportunity for the OPS daughter, and she is likely to miss her mum.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:59

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 15:53

Due to the reasons for the split he cannot join us for lunch so after lunchtime he’d be alone.

If he can’t join you I’m assuming some kind of abuse, controlling or coercive behaviour on his part meaning you won’t have him in your home? If that’s the case then he only has himself to blame! YANBU to say no.

Or maybe OP just really doesn’t want her ex in her home on Christmas Day! Who would!

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 16:00

Soontobe60 · 15/07/2023 15:56

Or maybe the OP left him for another man and the other man wont allow he ex into the house?

Show quote history

Wow, with that kind of reach S Club 7 should write a song about you!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 16:01

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:59

Or maybe OP just really doesn’t want her ex in her home on Christmas Day! Who would!

Show quote history

Yes, it was just the way she said ‘due to the reasons for the split’ which made it sound like more than just her not wanting her ex in her home, it made it sound like there was some sort of drama or negative reason surrounding the split. Maybe I interpreted that wrong though, as I said it was just an assumption and not something I stated as a fact.