Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to DD going away over Christmas?

81 replies

ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 15:23

I feel really bad about it as it means ExH won’t get to go away either.

Share DD 9, with ExH. CAO in place.

We live close enough that we split Christmas, 1 year I have her Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning until 12.30pm and ExH has her 12.30pm Christmas Day until 9am on 27th, then next year we switch, although we tend to do 2 years in each arrangement then switch for 2 years.

ExH has just asked if he can have DD 23rd December until 27th December as a one off. His parents are going away to their holiday home in Scotland for the first time since precovid and he’d like to join them.

DD wants to do our usual arrangement, this year its ExHs turn to have her Christmas Eve and morning, and I was really looking forward to having her for lunch with my very elderly grandparent who adores her.

If I say no then ExH has nowhere to go due to his sibling and their family joining his parents and he won’t not want to see DD at Christmas. Due to the reasons for the split he cannot join us for lunch so after lunchtime he’d be alone.

AIBU to say no?

For context ExH has DD every other weekend for 2 nights, no other times at all even though he lives 2 miles from us and could see her anytime he wanted. He won’t even have her extra in the summer holidays and if he has AL he usually goes away with friends rather than DD. It’d be the first time he’s ever taken DD away on holiday although she has been on school residentials and Brownies Camps so is used to staying away from me for 3-4 nights at a time.

OP posts:
Karrpt · 15/07/2023 16:03

"DD wants to do our usual arrangement, this year its ExHs turn to have her Christmas Eve and morning, and I was really looking forward to having her for lunch with my very elderly grandparent who adores her."

She wants to do the usual arrangement and he can just drive to his parents on Christmas Day

caringcarer · 15/07/2023 16:05

I'd listen to your DD and stick to court order. Your ex could have DD Xmas Eve and Xmas morning then drive up to be with parents after bringing DD back to you. I would not be even considering what exh was doing or not doing as no longer my business.

Sapphire387 · 15/07/2023 16:09

Your priority is your daughter - ex is pretty irrelevant aside from that. You don't need to feel guilty - he hardly sounds like dad of the year. If your daughter wants to do the usual arrangement, then I would go with that.

LlynTegid · 15/07/2023 16:09

New Year is a bigger deal in Scotland, would be better in my opinion for the DD to go then.

gogomoto · 15/07/2023 16:15

I would say to your dd that this year she has 2 choices and she gets to choose which. Assure her you are fine with whichever she chooses (and mean it) say she can either go with her dad to Scotland or stay home with you but her dad will be in Scotland. Varying arrangements is normal and the right thing to do as they get older. If she opts for staying with you explain next year she can spend all Christmas with her dad if that's what they want. Very much be excited for her. Remember child contact is for her, spending time with extended family will be fun

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 15/07/2023 16:16

I think DD is too young to be asked. It's too much responsibility.

Is tHe family the type to make a fuss over her? Maybe it would improve the relationship with her dad, if he has concentrated time with her and support from his family.

I'd be minded to let her go and do a special Christmas when she gets back. It's a one off and it's important she has chances to maintain relationships with her wider family.

Original poster
ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 16:21

We split due to abuse and violence from him towards both of us, hence the little contact he has. He is always invited to school things but never goes.

I have no issues with Ex-PIL and know DD will be well cared for, I just feel a bit like it's too long but he may well get it if he took me to court.

DD is very much a home body, she doesn't mind going away with school/Brownies but says if they didn't go she wouldn't be bothered either. She struggles with the overnights with her dad, and usuaully calls me while there.

I've never been to the holiday home, I was never invited. DD has been once before, 1 Easter pre-covid and wasn't particularly bothered to go again.

OP posts:
Karrpt · 15/07/2023 16:25

Quite the drip feed. He's uninterested and abused your daughter who wants to stick to the normal arrangement.

No brainer

toffeeappleglow · 15/07/2023 16:32

'Interesting' that he's not usually very involved in her life above the minimum, yet doesn't want to miss out on seeing her at Christmas. I'd prioritise what your daughter wants or needs, sounding her out without telling her that it's up to her to decide. If she'd rather not go away with him, I wouldn't agree to it.

The history of abuse makes a difference, though. She may not feel comfortable going away with him for longer than usual, or further away than usual. I wouldn't be comfortable myself letting her spend more time than necessary with him, if he's actually been abusive toward her!

Flowerblooms · 15/07/2023 16:36

If your daughter doesn’t want to go then stick to the normal arrangement or ex goes on his own and you have your daughter the whole of Christmas.

Raindancer411 · 15/07/2023 16:37

If she doesn't want to go, I would not make her.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/07/2023 16:37

Er, no. I was going to ask from the first post if it was because he was abusive. As the answer is yes he can fuck off.

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 15/07/2023 16:38

Karrpt · 15/07/2023 16:25

Quite the drip feed. He's uninterested and abused your daughter who wants to stick to the normal arrangement.

No brainer

Yes, this a quite tye drip feed. I agree with @Karrpt now, stick to the normal arrangement.

Iwasafool · 15/07/2023 16:41

ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 15:33

@WeetabixTowels The half days where decided in court and all 3 of us are happy with the usual arrangement of split days, he lives literally 2 miles from me so it's not like she spends a few hours in the car, we usually alternate between him picking her up with his dogs and me dropping her off.

Show quote history

We did the split Christmas thing and my now adult children had no issue with it. It wasn't doing two Christmases as they did Santa presents in the morning with one of us and nice breakfast, then did other presents and Christmas dinner later. They seemed to like it.

As for deciding this is a man you trust I have no idea if you trust him or not. Presumably you aren't together for a reason but we don't know the reason and frankly don't need to know.

I can see it is a difficult choice for you, could he do a shorter trip with DD so he has her Christmas Eve and travels up to his parents overnight? No idea where you are or where they are going in Scotland so don't know if the journey is doable.

Iwasafool · 15/07/2023 16:42

Oh God just saw your update. No don't let him have her for that long if he is abusive. Presumably you don't trust him!

Curseofthenation · 15/07/2023 16:45

You should have mentioned the abuse in your OP. You probably would have a lot more people in your favour. Who gives a crap if he is alone for half of Christmas? He'll probably trundle off to Scotland without your DD anyway.

Your DD doesn't want to go either, so it's a no brainer. Why would his needs ever come first? Goodness me.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 16:47

I’m amazed he is allowed to have access to a small child he was violent towards! WTF!

AngelinaFibres · 15/07/2023 16:54

I have been you Op.Let her go if she wants to. You can do Christmas with her before she goes or when she gets back. Scotland at Christmas will be beautiful. Next year you can do something with her that needs an extended period of time. The anticipation of a different Christmas is worse than the reality. Plan lovely things for yourself and nice things to do with her when she gets back .

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 15/07/2023 16:56

Oh come on OP, you can just drip massive ocean into the thread.

You know full well that would have informed people's answers, had they known. 🙄

Mumof4plusbonus · 15/07/2023 17:01

How is it unfair that he won’t see her over Christmas but it’s ok for you not to? Yanbu.
I wouldn’t hold it against ex if he went with his family though.

Original poster
ChristmasIWantToSeeHer · 15/07/2023 17:15

I didn't say in my OP about the abuse because he's not set a foot wrong since the order was made, and is consistent, I didn't feel it's relevant, everyone asked.

DD likes going to contact and there's no reason to think there's anything bad going on, we just didn't work parenting together, and while it doesn't excuse the abuse I had my part to play.

I felt bad for him because if I didn't see DD over Christmas, I'd be gutted but I also have family here I can spend time with like my grandparent (assuming they're still around at Christmas that is, they're in their 90s) but if ExH doesn't go to scotland he's got no-one as his parents and sibling are his only family.

OP posts:
DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 15/07/2023 17:23

Why doesn't he just drive up to Scotland after having your dd as normal 🤷

Curseofthenation · 15/07/2023 17:26

Well, if he does want to go to Scotland and DD doesn't then he can either miss Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with his DD or drive up to Scotland once he has dropped your DD off. It's not like he would be doing anything else in the afternoon, so he may as well drive. I'm still struggling to see why your DD's and your own desires are coming after your ExH's...abuse or no abuse. His needs = low priority.

Holly60 · 15/07/2023 17:27

I'd let her go. Scotland at Christmas can be magical. Your elderly parent will be delighted to see you and will understand seeing DD a few days later.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 17:29

Scotland at Christmas can be magical

Well, it depends. I once went out with a bloke from Annan, the only thing magical about Annan is being able to leave 😂

Swipe left for the next trending thread