To ask for your positives to having an only child

[LongRoadtoNowhere]

I have one DS who’s 2. He was very much planned and wanted, and we’re very lucky to have him.

I never wanted children when I was growing up, I just wasn’t hugely interested. When I met my DH, this changed and I was keen to have one, although he always wanted 2.

I had a reasonably straight forward pregnancy and birth, he wasn’t a hugely difficult baby, just the usual lack of sleep / stress that comes with a child really. But I’ve never felt the urge to have another.

Many of my friends with kids the same age either already have another, are pregnant or are going to start trying soon. I seem to be the only one that doesn’t want more.

My DH has brought it up a few times and I feel really guilty, but equally don’t want to have a baby just to make him happy when it would be me sacrificing my body/career and taking on the lion’s share of responsibility.

Although I can’t see me changing my mind in the near future (and I’m not young enough to wait very long anyway), I’d love to hear positive stories about people who have one child - just to put my mind at ease about it all!

We have an only, not by choice, but it’s actually pretty great. If he gets invited to a party I get a couple of hours totally child free whereas everyone else has their other child(ren) to look after. Costs (childcare, clothes, shoes, activities) are obviously less than for a typical family and logistics are much easier - no juggling to get child 1 to football at the same time as child 2 to karate on the other side of town.

Emotionally I find having one child exhausting enough and i don’t know how well I would have managed stretching myself thinner.

I have one dc & that was always our plan. The advantages are (for us at least), she gets 100% of us & we are able to spoil & treat her because there are no other siblings to have to take into account, if she needs something we can just get it. We aren’t so stressed & impatient with multiple kids to look after or make arrangements for, our weekends aren’t consumed by ferrying around children to different hobbies/clubs & weekends are relaxed & spent together, we can take her on longer & better holidays regularly. I can only speak for my experience but I have friends & family with 2+ kids & their lives seem so chaotic compared to ours & I wouldn’t want that just for sake of giving her a sibling. There’s no reason she would be close to a sibling anyway, I know a couple of people who detest their siblings as adults & have nothing to do with them which would hurt me more as a parent than never giving her one in the first place.

Now he's finally started sleeping through the nights (aged 3), I don't have to go back to the start with sleep deprivation.

Not what you asked, but I'm the youngest of three. My oldest sibling frequently comments on how they enjoyed being an only child. None of us get on particularly well, lots of sibling rivalry and no support.

One of my DP friends is an only child and loves it. His parents has plenty of time and money to spend with him. He isn't lonely as he has lots of friends.

And I can afford a more comfortable life for my only, than if I had to spread the resources across two or more children.

This is me too.
And she has never known any different so doesn't feel like she is missing out by not having a sibling.
There is more money in the pot for everything too.

Just read all the threads on Mumsnet about nightmare siblings!

We really wanted a second but it didn’t happen. Thinking back I don’t really know why I thought it was so important. Now DS is 24 and I never even think about it, let alone regret it. He’s a happy well adjusted young man. He was very happy growing up, and we are all close now - in fact we are all on holiday together at the moment.

Can your DH put into words why have wants another? I certainly don’t think you should have a second child if you don’t want to, even to please your DH.

I have one and in my experience, parents of more than one just become referees.

I am glad that my son is growing up seeing his cousins on a regular basis so he's not the only child at weekend family bbq's, christmas etc.. but then it's nice to come home and just be the three of us.

My DS is 6 and is an only (he’s adopted, and has birth siblings that he doesn’t have any contact with or know about yet - don’t judge me I only found out about them myself recently so planning how to tell him as they won’t ever have contact in childhood).

Me and DP could have a bio child if we wanted but we don’t. We love him being an only child. He has SEN but our home is mostly peaceful and a relaxing environment for us all. We can afford the luxuries for him. We are giving him a really great life. He has an amazing group of friends outside of school and cousins the same age who he sees regularly so I don’t feel he’s missing out at all. He really benefits from being the main character in our story 😂

There are advantages and disadvantages of course. I am an only and really wish I had had at least one sib. I ended up having 6 of my own. There will be people here who hated their sibs and chose only to have one child.

I am an only child, although it wasn't planned that way. Just the way it worked out for my parents. I would say there are lots of benefits in terms of time and money available and when they died, the modest inheritance made a huge difference to my life. I know several other only children and I would say the notable thing about us as adults is our ability to do things alone, generally being comfortable in our own skin and able to occupy ourselves without needing someone else around. Oddly, we are also all long term single so perhaps that says something negative, I don't know! I do think as a society, however, we don't view independent women in a particularly positive light.

The negatives came when dealing with aging alone. It was very hard to deal with my mum's dementia in particular and having no one to just talk to about it. I made her promises I couldn't keep because of the dementia and I feel dreadful. I also have no one who.knows my parents like I did, no one with a shared history and that feels lonely at times. However, I recognise that even with siblings, the situation may not have been different.

I have had 3 children myself and as teens they are close and I hope.this continues. But I can also see.that anything I am able to leave financially will not mean the same split in 3 and that saddens me at some level. There are pros and cons, I guess.

I have 1 and there are loads of benefits.
He doesn't sleep well so I can cosleep with him and not feel guilty about neglecting my other child(ren).
He doesn't have to miss out on parties or activities because of time/money/the need to take his sister to ballet etc.
The house is generally calm and quiet when he needs quiet time.
We were quite old when we had him so parents are elderly and would struggle to manage more than one but are happy to look after him in school holidays or in the evening for me and DH to go out.

equally don’t want to have a baby just to make him happy when it would be me sacrificing my body/career and taking on the lion’s share of responsibility.

So don't. Seriously, don't do it.

1. You can give them your undivided attention.
2. You can afford more financially, not just time.
3. You will be able to do more adult things with them as they grow.
4. You will have more you time/partner time/freedom later earlier.
5. You don't have to deal with sibling rivalry and referee.
6. You currently have no health/SEN issues with yours.

If your husband is broody, he can have a puppy that he takes all responsibility for.

I've only ever planned on one and she ended up quite a difficult baby and even now at 10, has issues with sleep. Being an only child means I can manage her sleep and making sure she gets the wind down she needs in order to actually sleep.
She might be ND actually, which explains the sleep but also explains that she loves her own space, having her own room, it's her little escape and safe space. I can also give her full attention if she's having a meltdown or is overwhelmed with feelings.

The only time I saw she was seriously affected by being an only child was during lockdowns but hopefully your child will never have to deal with those.

Just a few quick thoughts.

DD is entering her mid teens, I am a liitle sad that my active parenting days are almost over and I miss those younger years.

DD and I have lots of shared interests, and she is a good companion she likes eating at restaurants and going to the theatre.

Having one meant she was easy to parent, had no one to annoy, and no one to annoy her. She has ASD and it was mentioned during the assessment process that she was able to cope without a diagnosis until she moved to Secondary simply because the nature of her only child / single parent lifestyle meant we naturally had a regular routine and natural calm environment and that with siblings and the chaos that can bring its likely she would have struggled much more. She has always been mature and old before her time, it's hard to tell whether that is the ASD or only childness, she is happy and content but that uncontrollable laughter you often get when children are together has always been missing.

Dd is 11 and is a very happy one and done child. I love that our house is calm, that I can treat her and take her opinion into account without cries of favouritism and support her in pursuing her love of sports.

Her school report speaks about her emotional intelligence, being a team player and she's got a wicked sense of humour. She's absolutely the best child for us and calls the dog her sister!

I work a full on job in the NHS and need downtime so dh can take dd out and I can chill out completely. They're out at the moment so I've had a lie in, washed my hair and now have some energy when they return home.

Plus financially it's easier. We're saving up for her future now and can afford to pay for clubs etc. Hopefully we'll have enough to give her a boost into adulthood.

I took some advice from this book when raising dd https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Only-Child-Challenges-Raising/dp/0767906292/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=5LNLXLX0CL7X&keywords=susan+newman&qid=1689414414&sprefix=susan+new%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-4 My fave recommendation was to parent like you have 3, don't hover and make time for you that would have been used by siblings. They don't need to feel the eye of Mordor on them and it's ok to be bored sometimes. I also let her have friends around whenever she wants.

It's a lovely life if you focus on what you have and enjoy your space too.

Not what you asked for, sorry, but I think the issue with being an only child is being an adult only child. And I say this as someone who is one. My parents are getting old now and I have no one to help. Sorry to be a downer, and there's no guarantee any number of kids you have will help their parents or their siblings, but it's something people don't seem to consider. Only children grow up.

So sorry to hear about your ageing parents and the struggles. If it is any comfort, my mum is one of 4, and we lost my beloved gran 3 months ago. She had NO help from her siblings. She couldn't lean on them in any way even if she had wanted to.
I live in Europe and between January and now I have taken 12 planes (6 there and backs) to help her and gran. So having siblings is not guarantee of having help. I am an only and I will not be having a large family. Having seen her experience, I see no benefits. Oh and surprise surprise, they will inherit equally.

Having a sibling as an adult is no guarantee of support I'm afraid. Siblings aren't around or reliable for many reasons. I'm saving up for care now and I hope dd will have her own support network but I'm not going to have a second child because they might have helped her a bit in 40 years time. She might be off abroad or go no contact with me. It's her choice.

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from but I have 2 siblings & the sibling who has 3 kids does f all to help with our DD who is now starting to suffer with age related illnesses, she’s far to busy with her kids..my other sibling & I have just 1 child each & can offer him much more support..just a thought about reality of having more than 1 child

We have one and she’s an absolute joy. She has some strong friendships, including with a family that she calls her brothers. Peaceful house. We’re not running from pillar to post all the time. We can support her better in following her main activity. She gets to chose (ish) where we go on holiday once a year. Babysitters love coming to us as it’s easy! More straightforward to fit one extra bed into a hotel room. If she has a sleepover at friends or a school trip then we have complete adult time! She has amazing relationships with extended family. She seems to be more confident with adults as she’s just cracked on and been with us and adult friends for socialising. We get to do some great adventures that would be more difficult with 2. It’s meant that both DH and I can continue to work FT and not feel (too) guilty as we’re not spreading ourselves too thinly.
And most importantly my DH mental health has stayed intact (just). I never intended to have just one as both DH and I come from bigger families. But after DD was born he really struggled so I can to terms with just having one and can see huge benefits in it. We just make sure that she has plenty of time with other kids outside of school to help with things like conflict management!!

I have one child (now in his 20s). He's grown up learning how to make friends easily. He's always been able to have my full attention for help with things like schoolwork or if he's just had a bad day.

Financially, having just the one has almost certainly made out lives easier, especially when he went to university - I would have struggled to be able to afford the parental contribution for more than one child.

We have an excellent relationship now he's an adult and I do feel some of that may be because he's not felt he had to fight for my attention or to be heard in the family.

Decisions are much easier when you don't have to think about whether you will be able to do the same for subsequent child (eg hobbies, private school, transport to activities).
You can do things that would be much harder with multiples - if you go to a museum, you can move on when they're bored without another child being annoyed, or stay ages at the bit that really grabs their attention. We both performed in concerts, and the one not performing could bring her to the final rehearsal and stay as long as she was interested - which might be 5 minutes or 75!
No sibling bickering makes things like eating out much easier.
I work mainly from home, but when I had occasional meetings, after-school childcare could be covered by playdates (often reciprocally, as some friends' mums were in a similar position).
Currently doing uni open days - glad we only have to do it once, and that we don't have to drag round a sibling or say no to visits that clash with siblings' activities.

Oh, and listen for people saying "if my first had been as bad (sleeping/crying) as my second, they'd have been the last". I used to joke that I'd taken note and quit while I was ahead!

DD is very happy as an only. I think a sibling would have helped in lockdown, but she's not convinced.

The bit we haven't got to, obviously, is being the only child dealing with elderly parents. OH is an only so we'll be doing it from that end before long. But look at the number of threads on here where siblings are falling out over caring for parents or inheritance, and think about all the families who are scattered over the globe. We'll do what we can to make sure we're not a burden.

To my surprise, life is still "not fair" - not because there's a sibling getting something you haven't, but because you are the ONLY person in the house who has to ask before getting a biscuit!

I've posted on here about only children before and how I wish society was more positive towards them. I have an only DD, she's 5 now. Loves school, loads of friends, we can afford to spend money on her hobbies.
She wasn't an easy baby or toddler and I had post partum psychosis. I would still have another but I think in my heart I couldn't cope well with 2 kids. Loads of DDs friends are onlys and are lovely kids. None of them seem to be missing out at all.

The whole 'looking after elderly parents' think is bizarre and many siblings do not help, are not around to help or make things worse. My brother is a drug addict and will not be any help to me when my parents die.

Having one child is amazing and a blessing and I refuse to bow to societal pressure, as society would not be looking after 2, it'd be me! 😆

The main character in your story🥹! I adore this🥰! You sound like a beautiful family🩷.