To ask for your positives to having an only child

[LongRoadtoNowhere]

I have one DS who’s 2. He was very much planned and wanted, and we’re very lucky to have him.

I never wanted children when I was growing up, I just wasn’t hugely interested. When I met my DH, this changed and I was keen to have one, although he always wanted 2.

I had a reasonably straight forward pregnancy and birth, he wasn’t a hugely difficult baby, just the usual lack of sleep / stress that comes with a child really. But I’ve never felt the urge to have another.

Many of my friends with kids the same age either already have another, are pregnant or are going to start trying soon. I seem to be the only one that doesn’t want more.

My DH has brought it up a few times and I feel really guilty, but equally don’t want to have a baby just to make him happy when it would be me sacrificing my body/career and taking on the lion’s share of responsibility.

Although I can’t see me changing my mind in the near future (and I’m not young enough to wait very long anyway), I’d love to hear positive stories about people who have one child - just to put my mind at ease about it all!

We have 2 but one was so much simpler. I didn't realise it at the time of course because it was still the hardest that life had ever been in terms of balancing things.

But when we only had 1 we:

• had regular solo free time
• rarely needed to miss work for illness (ours or toddlers)
• were always on time (once into toddler hood)
• house was tidy
• house was clean
• generally on top of life admin
• generally well rested/slept well
• were completely child free occasionally if DS went for a sleep over at grandparents (they aren't able to look after 2 at the same time)

In theory one parent can look after both children but it's just so difficult. Especially when one decides they're going one way and the other goes in completely the opposite. They both want your 100% undivided attention but obviously can't have it. It's utterly exhausting in a way that 1 just wasn't, we were much better able to take turns and gives ourselves time to recharge.

Thinking about now... Let's just say as much as I don't want to wish their childhood away and as much as I love them... I'm struggling with everything. Theres's never enough time, always late, always stressed, massively over stimulated. DC are almost 2 and almost 4 and it's so hard in a way that 1 definitely wasn't. 1 was overall very enjoyable (hence having a second child 😅😁).

There was a thread the other day where someone posted that their kids were growing up and they didn't know how they were going to be happy ever again. I literally couldn't identify with anything they said. I think some people are really built to be parents, and I'm not. It plays to all my weaknesses and very few of my strengths.

If you think you're best at 1 OP then you're probably best staying at 1. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it

I have one dd, she's a teen now. She's great, not had the severe teen angst (maybe I should put yet), but I have a lovely relationship with her. She comes to me with all her thoughts, will tells me most things. Having one has meant we can do lots more with her (financially we'd struggle with 2). She's got a lovely social circle, has a hobby and no she doesn't get lonely or bored. All my friends with dc have 2+ children and they all moan about how hard it is, how much they argue and bicker. I do sometimes sit there quietly smug as their complaints are things I've never had to deal with.

Oh yes, a definite advantage with my DD as she grows is that I can monitor her online activity better and she also shares a lot with me so she doesn't mind me doing that.

Thank you everyone for such lovely messages. The gist of what most people are talking about are basically my reasons for wanting an only - financial, time, attention, wanting to be able to keep a bit of my own time as well.

I totally understand about the issues with being an only child when your parents are older. My DF passed away 7 years ago and my brother and I did lean on each other a fair bit. We also now both help my DM with various tasks as well, so having a sibling has really benefitted me here.

Having said that, it isn’t a strong enough pull for me to want to go through trying for a baby / being pregnant / giving birth / baby and toddler years all over again. I love our family so much as it is, I just have no pull for another so know I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons if I were to agree to a second.

Thank you all again - this has been a really refreshing read after feeling like there’s something wrong with me for not wanting another.

There are just too many to mention

I love having one. We have such a close and special bond. My life is easy and simple. Both dh and I were able to continue with our careers, I work part time and tto as we can afford it. Dd is never lonely. She has cousins of similar ages and lots of friends. She does a full on hobby which keeps us busy. We holiday 5 times a year. Obviously some of this is down to finances, but had we had more than one I wouldn't have retrained due to the cost, travel and stress and now wouldn't have a great job. If I look at those who have 2 or more I'd say they're no happier for it and their lives are more stressful, especially with sibling rivalry to contend with.

I can see soooo many advantages to having the one! We haven’t yet started TTC but this thread really makes me think. The only reason I think I’d have another is so they had each other, but I am very low contact with my sibling anyway so it’s not a guarantee

definitely makes it much more affordable. also you will get some of your own time back again much more quickly... if you add another later it's more school runs, more washing... more general stress. I love that it's just my gorgeous DS and I. And importantly, peace and quiet in the house!

There aren't any, as an only child growing up it was lonely and shit,and as as an adult even worse, when my parents became ill and incapable it was all on me. if you can have more then do it, they will love and support each other

I know it's not all about the money but holidays are much more affordable. Lots of package holidays offer one free child place which helps us afford annual holidays abroad.

This isn’t a positive story about one child but a sense check of more than one. I was an only and didn’t want to have an only. Years ago I had a thread asking what only children themselves went on to choose for their family size and it was a pretty even split.
Ive now got three and of course I love them beyond measure and luckily they get on but it is harder and more expensive than I imagined and looking back I think some of my decision making was outdated. It is much more common to be an only nowadays- no longer an oddity as in my day and my kids have plenty of only friends who socialise extensively so they don’t miss out at all. And have extensive ranges of hobbies and holidays. Life now is much much more expensive and it’s difficult with 3.
To properly parent a couple of emotionally labile teens and a 10.5 yr old whilst both working is exhausting - being mentally available to talk and parent constantly, deal with exams and friendships and girlfriends. And affording driving lessons and car and gym membership for eldest and three tennis lessons a week for middle and riding and one to one swimming (anxious so needs it) for youngest plus 5 now essentially adult meals when eating out or flights on holiday etc is pricey.
If you have the financial resources for one person to have a very part time, undemanding job and you WANT another, perhaps! But it is a hard option. I crave the time to myself and the luxuries I don’t have which I would have had if I only had one!!

I have an 3 year ds old and think he may be an only due to me being so unwell when I had him and 2 recent miscarriages/preeclampsia. I do yearn for another but he's such a joy, sleeps well and we aren't stretched for time and attention compared to many parents. I don't expect him to nurse me when I'm elderly.

I have a brother less than 2 years younger and we aren't close now. We did play nicely as kids though.

DH and I currently have one and are discussing trying for a second.

If I’m totally honest, as morbid and pessimistic as this seems, one of my main drivers in considering a second is the thought of what we'd do if something happened to DS.

If I knew he'd live to 96 in good health then I'd stop at one. But the prospect, however remote, of losing a child and no longer being a parent is too awful to contemplate. At least if we had two, we'd still be parents even if something terrible happened to one.

I have thought about this too, it’s awful isn’t it?

@greglet yes I've thought about this too. I thought I was the only one. Makes me feel awful for even thinking it though.

Equally morbid but if I lost dd I think there wouldn't be any other dependents to consider and I could throw myself into grieving and make whatever choice I needed to about carrying on

I’m in a similar position to@LongRoadtoNowhere where most of my friends with 2 year olds are having the second (all it seems incredibly easily!) and I’m questioning whether I can deal with continuing the upset I’ve had the last couple of weeks with pregnancy announcements - we’ve been trying fairly hard for a second which isn’t happening (unlike the OP). Im getting to the point where perhaps it would improve my happiness to take it off the table and enjoy just having the one. Did anyone feel left behind after all the mum friends started having the second?

rickety no, I absolutely didn't feel 'left behind' when some of my mum friends had their second. I was an older mum (42) so a couple of my friends had already 'completed' their family by the time I got pregnant, some of my friends chose not to have DC, other friends have grown up DC .. so I didn't really have a 'group of mum friends' .. I did make some friends at NCT and out of seven couples, two of us stayed with one DC and the other five couples had their second DC after two year (so predictable !). It really wasn't a factor at all.
I have never, ever regretted having an only DC. I don't know how people have the emotional energy to have more than one, let alone the financial and time demands. My DS (now early 20s) seems very happy, confident and has lots of friends .. he has said to us that he genuinely likes being an only DC and doesn't like the noise and stress levels when he visits fiends with siblings!

We have 1 DD. She's 12. It was more my choice than DH that we stuck with one, but now neither of us could imagine our family being any different.

I've enjoyed every stage of parenting, but I have zero desire to repeat any of it for a second child.

DD is mature, sensible, confident, responsible, has a wicked sense of humour, she's up at the top of the class at school. I feel like she benefited from all the attention we can give her. She's got a huge group of friends that are incredible. We're able to afford her clubs and hobbies (2 out of school clubs, 2 musical instruments) If we had a second we'd have needed a bigger house. We're just about able to save something for her future. Thinking about uni costs, a car, house deposit... We'd like to help get her set up. Another child would half that help.

I was conscious that she lacked the built in friendship of a sibling when we went places like soft play/ playgrounds/ holiday clubs etc So when she was very little we used to talk to her about "single serving friends" (got the idea from Fight Club!) We needed her to be capable of making a friend to run around with for a couple of hours. Out of her school friends she was always the one that was willing to join a new club without a friend (Of course she'd prefer to go with a friend) which made school holiday childcare so much easier!

@FlyingSoap @blahblahblah1654 yeah I hate that I’ve even thought about it but I can't avoid it. I had multiple miscarriages before having DS so I’m very aware of how fragile it all is.

I can’t recommend it enough. No bickering, you can afford to have a life, we afforded private education. Much less stressful all round.

@DarkForces fair enough - for me, though, becoming a parent was such a difficult and upsetting process that the idea of having it wrenched away from me is too awful to contemplate.

As an only who had for situational reasons a pretty miserable childhood, I think all it comes down to is parenting.

IF you can provide stability, encourage friendships, want to spend time with your child and do all the stuff listed in this thread then it should be fine.

My only is 21, I just never wanted another, and it wasn't an age thing either, I was 23 when I had her.
She's happy and has never wanted a sibling and I love being responsibility free at 45.
You have the kids you have and then make it work, I could never have had another out of obligation, that's abhorrent to me, I'm a woman, not a baby machine, I was done after one.